| After the standard opening sequence, which I'm already tired of after just 2 episodes, we immediately cut to the action with the Rulon's riding a pack of dinosaurs across the wilderness. Well, hey, that's cool, at least we hit the ground running. (Just curious, at the end of episode 1, Krulos had lost control of his T-Rex, but now he's shown riding on top of it again...what the hell?) Luckily for the Valorians, Llahd is out for a joy-ride on his pterodactyl that he's pimped out as a hand-glider! And yes, he's named his scaly friend "Terry". Get it? Terry? Pterodactyl? When you've stopped laughing, please read on. Anyway, Llahd realizes that the Rulons are attacking (well...duh!) and flies back to warn the others.
By the way Questar, why don't you post some scouts in the surrounding area so you don't get caught flat-footed every time the Rulons attack?! And what about radios? You know, those things that were being used back in the 1930's? Why don't you equip everybody with them so they don't have to flap back to warn you every time an attack is imminent? Sheesh! Ahh, Questar, I guess you're lucky you have looks, because your military skills are sorely lacking, pal.
Wait a minute. After Llahd breathlessly informs Questar of the impending assault, Questar transmits a warning to all the Valorians via his telepathy crystal...so why didn't Llahd just do the same when he first spotted the enemy from the air? Ah...the mysteries of the Dino-Riders.
"It's about time we saw some action," Yungstar gushes as he mounts his purple (!) battle-bird. (And yes, I know that pterodactyls aren't birds...and they aren't purple either!)
"War isn't a game," the lovely Serena gently chides him.
"Dino-Riders...remember our training," Questar says from the top of his brontosaurus (who could hear him?!), "our dinosaurs must not be hurt!"
Yes, because they're the good guys and nobody, and I mean nobody, can ever be injured in this soft, oozy, squishy universe. But still, if they're so damned concerned about keeping the dinosaurs safe, then why did they mount lasers on them and take them into battle? Just how in the hell could they expect them not to be hurt?
But yeah, OK, Questar, I guess you've covered your ass so that if a dinosaur does get hurt you can always say "I told you so". What a moron.
After some bogus battle footage, a lone Rulon parks his triceratops just outside the Valorian compound, takes aim, and destroys one of their fortress walls. (Hilariously, this same wall was just mentioned by Questar in the previous scene as "this will hold them for a while!" Yeah, a while...one rocket!)
The valiant Valorians stem the tide of Rulons storming the breached wall..well, there's 2 Rulons at least. Gunner manages to trip (!) Krulos' T-Rex resulting in the dinosaur stumbling to the ground and having its brain-box knocked off its head. (Gee...how about actually fastening it to the dinosaur's head next time!)
The T-Rex goes amok (as in the last episode...do I sense a pattern emerging?), and instead of eating Gunner, Krulos, and everybody in sight, the beast sort of lumbers off into the jungle. Rasp swings by on his purple pterodactyl while Gunner tends to his wounded "torasaurus". (WHAT!? A dinosaur was actually wounded?! Oh dear!)
Serena, in a show of limitless altruism, somehow transfers some of her energy into the dinosaur to heal its wounds. This tremendous effort on her part has the unfortunate side-effect of sapping all of her strength and putting her in danger of dying, so I must question the actual value of doing this in the first place.
Questar acts quickly:
"There's only one thing that can save her: the ancient Valorian Right of Restoration."
(Uh..the what?)
Anyhoo, Yungstar (now appearing much more buff in the arms than last episode, but still stuck with a fey voice) and Turret run back to the ship to retrieve the STEP crystal. (Boy, is that thing multi-functional or what?)
Meanwhile, Krulos has his lackeys, Rasp and Hammerhead, stand at attention while he chews them out for their latest military failure. After a bit of monologue, Krulos admits that he knows of a Dino-Rider weakness that will allow him to destroy them before the day is out. This hitherto unrevealed weakness begs the question of just why in the hell he didn't exploit this weakness in the first place, but there you have it.
Back with Questar and the others, we see that the Right of Restoration process has begun in earnest. As Questar and the others stand in a circle around Serena (who was rather unceremoniously dumped on the ground), the Dino-Riders concentrate with all their might on transferring their "life force" into the nearly-dead Serena via the STEP crystal which they have set upon her chest. (Sound stupid? Yup. It is.) And yes, even a couple of triceratops step over, close their eyes, and concentrate as well. (WHAT?!!)
Soooooo...after a <cough> tense moment, Serena opens her eyes and is A-Ok.
And the point of all that was?
While Questar has been busy with that idiotic ceremony, Krulos and the other Rulon's have been capturing and brain-boxing more dinosaurs in typical Rube Goldberg fashion. After a few hours of work, Rasp displays his new collection of captured dinosaurs, about 10 in total. Krulos, as usual, is unimpressed.
"I need an unstoppable stampede of dinosaurs," Krulos grumbles, "This time I will trample the Dino-Riders into the dust!"
You know, maybe it's just me, but all these attack plans just seem so, oh I don't know, low-tech, for a race of beings that happen to have an inter-stellar space ship at their disposal. I mean, they're capable of creating (a seemingly endless supply) of custom-fitted, mind-control metal helmets to control dinosaurs...then they simply want to charge them into battle and try to squash the Dino-Riders. Where's the finesse? It's like having an army of soldiers equipped with Mark-23 Advanced Laser-Plasma rifles and ordering it to grab their weapons by the barrel and beat the enemy to death with the rifle butts.
Meanwhile Questar calls a staff meeting in anticipation of the Rulon's next attack. (Which makes sense because, well, what the hell else is there to do besides attack each other.) As the others look on, Questar asks for advice from his military advisor, Icon.
"There's a sixty-seven percent chance that we can destroy the Rulons if we launch a surprise attack before nightfall," Icon says after activating the gaudy crystal mounted atop his silver staff. Oh and by the way, Mr. Military Advisor, maybe your chances would be better if you launched your surprise attack after nightfall under cover of darkness. Moron.
"How many casualties could we expect?" Questar asks.
"No more than thirteen percent."
After a moment's thought, Questar deems this figure to be totally unacceptable. (!!!)
OK, time out.
You send out 100 guys, and you can expect 87 to come back with over a two-thirds chance of completely wiping out the Rulons once and for all...and that's not worth the risk?!
"There must be another way," Questar mumbles to himself.
Yeah, just sit there behind your blockade (which the Rulons breached after, oh, 3 seconds) and continue to repulse their attacks until you're all dead. Good plan, Questar.
Out of pure luck, Questar happens to spot a box of crystals sitting on a table.
"That gives me an idea..." Questar murmurs as we fade into the next scene.
We next see Serena, Yungstar, and Llahd out cruising the skies on their pterodactyls. Spotting something interesting, the happy trio land and discover a clutch of dinosaur eggs which just happens to hatch at that very moment. (Whatever.) Out pops a baby triceratops which looks a hell of lot like Abe Vigoda ("Detective Fish" from Barney Miller...if you remember that show then you are getting old.)
Meanwhile, Krulos has finally gathered enough dinosaurs to begin his stamped. In a rare moment of lucidity, Krulos explains that since the Dino-Riders would never hurt a dinosaur, he can simply send his dinosaurs into the Valorian camp and have them flatten everybody and everything.
And you know what?
He's absolutely correct! You can't believe how refreshing it is to hear something that actually makes sense.
With his pre-battle spirits high, Krulos forms his dinosaur herd into a wedge formation and charges them towards the Valorian encampment.
As usual, the Valorians, in their continued refusal to station any sort of forward-positioned lookout, expect nothing. In fact, instead of preparing for battle, Turret has been dicking around with the STEP crystal and has managed to "increase its energy." Oh. Wow. Everybody's impressed.
"It should allow us to actually see what's happening back on Valoria," Turret proudly explains.
"Hopefully this will let us see why we must continue to fight Krulos..." Questar adds. I'm not sure what that means, but, oh, whatever, Questar, whatever.
I'm actually a bit confused now. Didn't they go through a time warp to get to Earth, or was it just a sort of "teleportation" to Earth? What I'm getting at is that it seemed pretty clear in the first episode that the Valorians were projected in both space and time. So how does the energized STEP crystal allow them to see into the 'future' back home? God, I wish somebody would straighten out this cartoon.
Turret engages the STEP crystal and the crystal's protective dome displays the image of Hammerhead and Rasp arguing over who will ascend to power since Krulos is missing. Now, at this point you may be asking yourself what the hell is going on here. Me too. Is this the future? The past? What the hell?
"That's all I dare see," Turret says as he shuts down the crystal. (WHAT?!)
At that moment, the Valorian ship starts shaking as the Rulon stampede approaches. Questar sends out a mental message to the other Valorians to man their posts and prepare to defend themselves, but then again, if they had been at their posts in the first place, the Rulon's wouldn't have been able to surprise them. God I hate these guys.
At Questar's order, Gunner engages the Valorian defenses, which consist of
a) a big net suspended between some trees.
b) a wooden fence.
c) some wooden poles stuck in the ground.
Needless to say, none of the above devices manage to stop the rampaging horde of 10-ton dinosaurs. Wow. What a surprise.
Anyway, Questar does the only thing he can at this point and orders the Dino-Riders to fall back.
Krulos, realizing that the STEP crystal must not be damaged by the stampede, orders the dinosaurs diverted away from the Valorian ship and into the...courtyard? Who knows. As Questar and the others watch through binoculars from a distant hilltop, Krulos hops down from his dinosaur and saunters, unobstructed, into the unguarded (AGAIN!) Valorian ship.
Unbeknownst to Krulos and the others, Questar has arranged some sort of trick for the evil Rulons. I'm not sure what the hell it is, but I guess we'll find out pretty soon since there's only 4 minutes left in this episode. So, yeah, where were we? Oh yes. Krulos grabs the STEP crystal, declares victory, and returns to the Rulon camp with the crystal safely in hand.
Later we see the despondent Valorians surveying their destroyed camp.
"What a mess...we'll never get this cleaned up," Yungstar whines. (Yeah, like that's the biggest concern right now?)
Anyhoo, Questar takes everybody inside and reveals the essence of his trick: He had switched out the STEP crystal with a common quartz crystal from Llahd's rock collection. (Oh..BUH-RUTHER!)
"I gotta admit, that was pretty clever," Yungstar smarmily remarks. (Bucking for a promotion, are we?)
Back at the Rulon ship, Krulos believes he has the real STEP crystal, feeds a bunch of power into it, and blows up half of the ship's control room. Ho ho. That'll teach you, Krulos!
Later that day, we see the Valorians busily rebuilding their defenses exactly as they were before. I guess nobody remembered that these defenses didn't do jack shit to stop the stampede. Ahh, I spoke too soon. Questar has built a ring of "shallow tar pools" around the ship to ensure that Krulos never tries a stampede again.
Shallow tar pools?!
Wrap it up with Serena, Yungstar, and Llahd flying around and waving "hi" to those weird Abe Vigoda-dinosaur baby things.
Fly off into the sunset. Fade to black.
Dennis Grisbeck (August 2008)
Somebody should really hang Questar from the nearest tree for criminal military negligence. Where are all the look outs?!
|
Back to the Dino-Riders episode guide.
|
