"The Man Who Saves The World" (1982)
Directed by Çentin Inanç
Run Time: 91 minutes
"Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam" (Original Turkish title)
"Turkish Star Wars" (USA bootleg title)
Murat: "Begin to your famous whistle which no women can resist."
"Our world which had been formed into matter from rays and energy five billion years ago, got fragmented into dust clouds under the influence of laser rays in the Galaxy Age."
"But in reality, how strong their weapons be; the enemies of the earth in galaxy; did not have brains."
After over 2 years running this web site, watching crapping movies, drinking beer, and generally abusing my mind and body, it is rare that a movie comes along that literally leaves me speechless. A film so utterly incomprehensible, jaw-droppingly incompetent, and shamelessly plagiarizing, that I found myself transfixed to the screen, unable to move. Unable to think. Unable to turn it off. Unable to escape.
I give to you "The Man Who Saves the World", more affectionately referred to as "Turkish Star Wars" in the cult-film circuits. Released in 1982, a mere 5 years after the original Star Wars (should I refer to that one as "American Star Wars"?) The story is a complete copy of the Star Wars, and in fact, unhesitatingly uses, and re-uses, and re-uses, and re-uses footage from the original. (In some hilarious shots, due to a conflict in film-formats, "Death Star" footage is horizontally compressed so the "Death Star" looks more like the "Death Egg".) The score is a mixture of music taken from such diverse sources as "Star Wars" (naturally), "Raiders of the Lost Ark", "Flash Gordon", "Planet of the Apes", and so on.
Everything I've read about this film insists that it's a completely serious production; which makes it all the more entertaining. If it had been a spoof, I would have rolled my eyes after the first 5 minutes and then turned it off.
This was a serious endeavor.
I want to say that the screen shots are the best I could do. The film itself varies from green tinted, to red tinted, dark, light, blurry, scratchy; pretty much a textbook study of how not to photograph a film...all of which makes it difficult to get clear shots for this review.
The film's dialog is in Turkish, naturally, with English subtitles which adds yet another dimension of hilarity: misspellings and grammar which run the gamut from atrociously incompetent to surrealistically sublime. By the way, all quotes of the dialog in this review are verbatim, i.e., all grammatical and spelling errors come directly from the film. I want to say that although I make fun of the subtitles, I realize that the person who translated them obviously was not a native English speaker. But still, couldn't they have found somebody to proof them?
Once again: This movie is completely serious: and in my opinion, the world is a better place for it.
Here's a gift for you: at the time of this review, you can watch this movie for free HERE.
Open in, surprisingly enough, outer space. (Which seems like a good place to begin a blatant Star Wars rip off.) An eclectic mix of sepia-tinted V-2 rocket footage, along with Star Wars clips, help accentuate the narrator's bizarre recounting of human history in space.
"The Space Age is a progression era for mankind," we hear as we watch Rebel pilots hopping into their X-Wing fighters.
A shot of the Death Egg indicates that man has moved from merely living in the space age to the more advance way of life: the "Galaxy Age".
"Civilizations and history had become past, mankind started to be contended with a simple life style as in primitive ages." (More sepia-toned V-2 rocket stock footage.)
Yes, the story continues. As the Millennium Falcon floats by we hear that "Only one earthly life form and tribe consisted the humans of the earth in Galaxy Age." I'm not sure what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it's clear that humans are living in "danger of extinction as a result of a crazy nuclear armament." (!)
Wow, like, crazy man.
I may be reading behind the lines here, but I'm assuming the Earth was blown up, or at least partially, as the narrator hints: "However in some cases earth had been disintegrated into parts." (I don't see how it's possible to disintegrate the Earth only in "some cases", but let's cut this film a little slack.)
We now see the Millennium Falcon flying in reverse (!) as the narrator drones on about the spread of nuclear war throughout the galaxy.
"Our world which had been formed into matter from rays and energy five billion years ago, got fragmented into dust clouds under the influence of laser rays in the Galaxy Age."
Apparently there is a "very strong power" that humans are trying to conquer. We "started to resist with a crust which was welded with human brain and willpower...A coating which was formed by compressed human brain molecules was protecting the earth."
(I thought the earth had been disintegrated? Oh, maybe this was one case where it wasn't. Thank god for that coating of compressed brain molecules.)
OK, now we cut to the meat of the narration. The bad guy, named the "Wizard", is trying to build a weapon made of a human brain (and human will power (?!)) so he can penetrate our lovely coating and, in this case, disintegrate us.
Unfortunately for the Wizard, there's a hitch: "But in reality, how strong their weapons be; the enemies of the earth in galaxy; did not have brains." (Yeah, that's gotta suck for them.)
Cut to see Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, no, sorry, I mean "Murat" and "Ali", who have , along with all the humans, "declared war to the unknown enemy." Murat and Ali zip around and fight the Wizard's evil forces. As footage from the final Death Star battle is rear-projected behind the actors (occasionally projected backwards!), our heroes lay waste to TIE fighters, X-Wing fighters, and basically blast everything that was ever blown up in Star Wars.
"I'm increasing my altitude," Murat shouts into his radio. What meaning "altitude" has in the context of outer space is left for you to discover.
Inside the Death Egg, the Wizard makes his rounds. (He sort of reminds me of the Statue of Liberty dressed up like a hockey goalie dressed in drag.)
The Wizard declares that the Earth will be "very easy to conquer" because of its weakened state. the Wizard's right-hand robot, stands complacently at his side. (Complete with spinning construction lamp on its head. Oh, and for simplicity's sake, let's call him Turkish Robby Robot.)
A massive invasion force is mustered to attack the Earth. Naturally, this invasion force is a battalion of X-Wing fighters. (I'm guessing Murat and Ali are flying TIE-fighters but then again, they're shown blowing up both kinds so who knows.)
One particularly entertaining aspect of this film is that the battle scenes projected behind the pilots will often include jump cuts to other shots...all of which is supposed to be taking place "outside" his cockpit. What I mean is, ok, Murat is sitting in his space ship and in the background you can see another space ship flying behind him. Suddenly the background shot will cut to the Millennium Falcon (flying backwards!) even though we've never cut away from the cockpit!
One can only imagine the nerves of steel it took to make the directorial decision to include that in the film.
(Ah, yes. There it is: A clip of Darth Vader in his TIE-fighter. Thank you.)
Boy, it's pretty strange to see guys named "Murat" and "Ali" fighting Darth Vader while listening to the soundtrack from "Indiana Jones".
By the way, I love how Murat "dives" his fighter by simply bending his head down towards his knees. Nice.
People fly around. Things blow up. Who in the hell could ever keep track of what's going on?
Meanwhile, the Wizard is pissed off because his attack has been thwarted by the human's will power. Or something. "If I capture a human brain I can capture the world as well," the Wizard concludes.
"Turkey's strongest pilots": Murat and Ali.
Back outside things have turned for the worse for Ali and Murat. "An unknown force is attracting us towards itself," Murat reports, "I don't know what this force is. We are in a very dangerous situation. You must be careful!"
Unable to penetrate the coating, the Wizard cuts his losses and pulls back his remaining fighters. Although he's vanquished this time, the Wizard promises to return and conquer the earth at a later time. "Then I will be the most powerful one in space!" he ominously promises.
Cut to a barren desert on some distant planet. Ali and Murat stumble from the wreckage of their space ship and begin walking across the desert on foot. (Uh, how in the hell did they get there?)
"We must know where we are. Otherwise here we may die in famine and thirst," Ali observes as he and Murat stumble across the rugged terrain. (Terrain composed of desert scenes and footage of the Great Pyramids!)
Our intrepid duo stumble across some alien ruins (i.e.: the Pyramids and the Sphinx) and discern from the hieroglyphics that "millions of years ago [these people] also had faced an unstoppable force and enemy." (So the force was unstoppable but not the enemy? Or what...?)
"It was a big war," Ali trenchantly notes.
Our friends continue with their friendly banter to pass the time. What if this was a planet inhabited solely by women, they joke.
"Then start your famous whistle that no woman can resist," Murat teases.
With a coy smile, Ali begins whistling his "famous" whistle.
Out of nowhere rides a gaggle of mounted skeleton warriors.
"You whistled wrong," murmurs Murat.
"Instead of women, skeletons came."
I have to point out that the 'skeletons' are merely dudes wearing sewn-on 'bones' and paper Conquistador helmets.
A battle breaks out with lots of punching, kicking, flipping, sped-up footage, stock footage of horses jumping around, and do I really have to continue? (It is, however, rather fascinating in its absurdity.)
Anyhoo, after killing about 20 skeletons, even though we clearly saw only 5 or 6 riding up in the opening shot, Ali and Murat dust off their fists, take a couple of horses, and ride on their merry way. (Cue "Indiana Jones" music.)
The well known sounds of the Indiana Jones theme song quickly segue into a hard rock anthem as Murat and Ali meet their next adversary: cardboard robots. Said robots, perched in some sort of sandstone building, open fire with their flashlights, er, I mean laser pistols, and knock Murat and Ali from their mounts.
Pow! Pow pow pow! Zap! Zing! Ka-bloowie!
"What are they? What strange things they are!" Ali says.
Anyway, they're taken prisoner and placed into a group of other captive humans, I think. No matter. It looks like Turkish Robby Robot has arranged a Battle To The Death for the Wizard's viewing pleasure.
"This is a game of death," Turkish Robby Robot unnecessarily explains, "Losers, when you die our master becomes happy." (Uh, yeah. I think we would have gotten that. But thanks for explaining.)
"I am afraid they are taking us to a place where they will put us into eternal sleep without a lullaby," Ali says. (Way to keep a stiff upper lip, Ali)
The Wizard, watching the combat from his space ship (?) gloats, "The feeble ones are dying. The galaxy era is my immortality era." (This dude has some real issues.)
Murat and Ali are forced to watch the mayhem as the Skeleton Warriors and a bunch of robots beat up on hapless prisoners. However, after seeing Turkish Robby Robot kill some kid, Murat and Ali spring into action and lay waste to the evil horde.
To the Wizard's great delight, Ali and Murat receive some cuts and their blood is discovered to be of human origin. "Catch them!" Turkish Robby Robot commands his platoon of Silver Robots. To avoid capture, Murat and Ali merely run away and take refuge in a friendly family's stone house.
Inside the house, Friendly Woman (aka, Princess Leia) bandages their wounds. Sparks fly, sort of, as she and Murat exchange strained smiles in an effort to convey mutual attraction. (In my opinion, their smiles bring to mind 'mutual constipation'.)
As Ali and Murat lick their wounds, so to speak, a gentle, old wise man (uhhhh...Obi Wan?) begins talking with them because, "We are alike. We are humans." How nice. Old Guy tells the sad story of his people and how they destroyed themselves...and yadda yadda yadda.
Old Guy goes on and on about their current plight. "One of those parts of the earth is this place and its owner the Wizard is about to conquer the earth," he relates to a Murat and Ali, who listen in rapt attention. (After reading that last subtitle, I'm seriously considering sending a box of commas to the Turkish film industry.)
So, yes. The earth was blown to bits by an atomic war way back when. One of the pieces has become this planet, somehow "owned" by the Wizard and now he wants it back, but he can't because of the compressed brain-molecule coating and...dear Lord, I need an aspirin.
Cut to the Wizard. Cut to the Millennium Falcon. Cut to the Wizard.
Man, sometimes I just want to cry.
"I did not forget you, Earth. I have waited one thousand Space Years to destroy you," the Wizard mutters as he watches Star Wars footage.
The Wiz passes the Space Years.
"You can not find me," he continues, "but I can find you any time." (Uh, is he talking to Earth?)
"You'll be mine pretty soon!"
("Pretty soon"...now how's that for conviction!)
"You'll be destroyed! YOU'LL BE destroyed! YOU'LL BE DESTROYED!" he finally shrieks.
Mr. Wizard, I'm a bit confused. Do you want to conquer Earth or destroy it? You might want to choose one or the other before you proceed.
Meanwhile back on Planet X, Murat and Ali descend into some catacombs while the villagers sleep. Exactly why they would decide to head down into these tunnels is left to the imagination. Oh gee. A bunch of mummies pop up from the ground. Well, maybe 'mummies' is stretching it a bit. How about a more accurate description such as "guys wrapped in toilet paper with black felt 'claws'"
It appears that the mummies simply walk up the stairs and attack the sleeping villagers, which makes me wonder why they haven't done that before. Or why they're doing it now. Or why nobody is guarding the stairs if there are mummies down there. Or why I don't just get a life.
Anyhoo, Murat and Ali lead the villagers through a tunnel, since the villagers would never have thought to do that themselves, and the monsters give chase. After a short while they all emerge into a large chamber and block the entrance with a gigantic stone.
No wait, scratch that. (I think.) There's some sort of werewolf thingee in the room now, but Murat and Ali are nowhere to be seen. (Editing?) The werewolf swings his <cough> claws back and forth and the villagers drop like dominoes. (Including the ones that are nowhere near the werewolf. My God, was this actually rehearsed? It makes the mind reel...)
Cut outside the tunnels to see Murat, Ali, Friendly Woman, and her little brother emerging safely onto the surface. (Screw the others I guess.)
Back inside, the Wizard shows up, somehow, and begins drinking the blood of the dead people. (Through a long, winding rubber hose, no less.) When the bodies have been relieved of their, er, bodily essence, they transform into Toilet Paper Mummies. Once again, feel free to tell me what the hell is going on because I have no idea.
Cut to the next day. (Or is it the next 'Space Day'?)
Murat and Ali are busy working out while Friendly Woman and her young brother watch in silent admiration. With nary a Nautilus machine in sight, Murat and Ali are forced to improvise by punching and karate chopping boulders.
Anyway, the first half of the day's training climaxes as Murat karate chops a gigantic rock in half because, you know, he's just that strong!
Cut to see Friendly Woman patching up Murat's bloody fists while they exchange those constipated smiles again. After getting patched up, Murat continues his exercises by executing a ridiculous 'hopping' routine (see it to believe it), before concluding his daily regime by kicking large stones into a rock wall where they explode (!?!?).
Meanwhile, the Wizard is punishing the local villagers for helping the humans. Said punishment consists of gluing toilet paper to their skin and having them shamble about like zombies. Oh, and the Wizard also transforms a pair of unfortunate villagers into red, furry monsters. (read: red carpets tied to the actors' bodies.)
Murat and Ali take their leave of Friendly Woman and her brother. "I'll be back," Murat promises before kissing the lucky lady.
First stop on their journey? The Turkish equivalent of the Star Wars Cantina bar scene, of course.
Naturally, this scene includes a healthy dose of stolen "Star Wars" shots in order to create 'atmosphere'; mostly various shots of the aliens in the bar. When the movie makers dare to include their own 'alien' patrons, it quickly becomes evident as to why they chose to steal the majority from the original movie. (They even had the gall to realize an 'alien' by having some guy where a rubber devil mask; complete with horns, pointed ears, and goatee!)
(Surprisingly, the filmmakers chose to accompany the scene with a bland Rock-n-Roll riff instead of simply stealing the music from the original Cantina bar scene. Sirs, I applaud your restraint.)
Star Wars, this movie aint.
Unsurprisingly, a fight breaks out. This time it's between Murat and some guy wearing a rubber Fu-Mancho mask. Not to be outdone, Ali also joins the Rubber Mask Melee.
Being the party pooper that he is, the Wizard teleports into the bar, complete with Evil Laugh and Echo effect. As is typical of his ilk, the Wizard dives into a dense monologue regarding how he's just soooooo powerful and all that bullshit. For some reason a red filter covers the camera lens to signify something...red, I guess.
"I brought you here," the Wiz finally admits, "I will beat the earth using you." (Does this mean he's going to grab Murat by the legs and bang him against the ground?)
"What I want is always under my possession," the Wizard brags. I'm not sure how you could 'want' something if you already had it in your possession, but there you go.
You know, the Wizard would get a lot more done if he'd shut up about his 'powers' and just do it already. Sheesh.
Anyway, the Wizard informs us that he's captured Friendly Woman and her brother and is now holding them prisoner. Now Murat and Ali will be forced to travel to the Wizard's palace and free them and blah blah blah. To emphasize his point, the Wizard teleports in a couple of silver robots with flashlight pistols to take Murat and Ali prisoner.
Once they're transferred to the Palace (off camera, of course), Ali is placed in a cell while Murat is brought before the Wizard to see if his "will power" can be broken. Why? I don't know. I think it has something to do with that brain coating or something.
With Ali alone in his cell, the Wizard's space Queen teleports into Ali's holding cell in order to seduce him into revealing the "secret of human will power."
"Where do come from the power and resistance of human brain?" she asks in a demonstration of expert interrogation technique, if not questionable English.
Murat eventually appears in the Wizard's Court. For some reason, Murat and Ali have been dressed in, and I quote, "festival suits". These suits include gold trim, satin jackets, and an embroidered flower above each breast.
"Welcome to the land of darkness, mystery and infinity," the Wizard begins. (Boy, that reminds me of Minnesota in the winter.)
Like usual, the Wizard brags about his "infinite powers", and to be honest, it's getting more than a little tiresome.
This time the Wiz opens a box and reveals his latest discovery: a gold-colored brain.
"Once I take your brains as well," Wiz gloats, "the world and the universe will be mine." (Isn't that a bit redundant to mention "the world", since, I mean, if he's already gotten the universe, oh...never mind.)
Murat refuses to join forces with the Wiz. Understandably irritated at Murat's obstinacy, the Wizard orders Friendly Woman and her brother to be brought in. Sure enough, a couple of guys wearing carpets with eye-holes cut into them, oh sorry, I mean furry space aliens, lead in the captives. (The sound of elephants (!) is foleyed at this point.) After displaying his prisoners, the Wiz orders them immediately taken away. (So...the point was...?)
Time for another fight.
Wiz teleports away and a bunch of Skeleton Warriors and Rug Monsters flood into the room and begin wildly swinging at Murat.
Big shocker, Murat dispatches about a gazillion Rug Monsters, skeletons, and what have you, and wins the fight.
Seriously, this fight is taking over 5 minutes. And once again, what's with the elephant noises?
Whatever, Ali somehow escapes from his cell and makes his way back up to the main Court in order to lend a hand to Murat. A new mad melee ensues.
After several long minutes of this nonsense, it seems that even the bad guys are getting bored. "Warp them!" one of the soldiers orders the Silver Robots. Said robots point their flashlights at Murat and Ali and knock them unconscious.
"I have captured them," Wiz notes, "now it's my turn!" (Actually, Wiz, not to point out the obvious, but you did have them captured already. Idiot.)
Anyway, the Wizard tortures them by having Rug Monsters push big blocks of styrofoam on their necks. Murat and Ali refuse to give in. Out of frustration, the Wiz next orders them to be buried alive since it is "...the worst torment to living kind..." (Next to watching this movie, of course.)
With Murat and Ali bound and placed into a hole in the ground, a gang of Toilet Paper Mummies covers them with sand. As usual, the Wizard brags about how they won't be able to endure such torture, and in a truly funny bit, as he's gloating, Murat and Ali simply sit up from under the sand (!) and are totally fine. (So much for the Wiz's 'infinite powers'...what a maroon.)
"They bared [sic] the torture," Wiz notes, "Take them to the arena and disgrace them." (Isn't appearing in this movie disgraceful enough?)
As Murat and Co. are led to the arena where they are to "loose their self-confidence" (no, that's not a typo), the Queen reports her failure to obtain Ali's brain. In a fit of pique the Wizard points his wand at her and transforms the unfortunate lass into a stock footage witch from an entirely different film.
Oh, and then she disappears and turns into a spider. (I think that's what happened. I'm pretty sure my brain's higher functions are shutting down at this point, so I'm becoming a bit foggy.)
Cut to the Arena where Murat is forced to fight a brown Rug Monster as the villagers look on.
Anyway, the brown monster kills Murat.
Just kidding. I was just seeing if you're still awake.
In an incredible turn of events, Murat vanquishes the rug.
For some reason, Murat's victory over this Rug Monster really pisses off the rest of the evil Silver Robots and red Rug Monsters.
"Get them!" Turkish Robby Robot shouts to the other robots as they shamble en masse over a large open field to catch them. (Uhhh...weren't they already their prisoners? I give up. And how in the hell did all the bad guys end up at the far end of a field?!)
Incredibly enough the robots manage to catch Ali once again; can't this guy do anything right? I think Murat got away, but the scene was too green-tinted to make out who it was that was captured.
"I will seize his brain and add increase my power," the Wizard prematurely gloats. (By the way, those are his words, not mine.)
OK, yes, although Ali was captured, Murat got away and is cuddling with Friendly Woman. (Aren't there more pressing issues at hand?) Later that evening Murat prepares to battle the Wizard and rescue Ali. "The arrest of Ali will let me gain time," says Murat. (When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, eh?)
Murat makes his way to a shrine where a priest explains that this planet "break off the world a 1000 space years ago." (Wow..."a 1000 space years." Now that's old.) The priest gives Murat a little talk about Islamic history, and since I know so little about Islam, I can't say whether what the priest is saying is true or not. (Not the "space years" part, obviously. Give me a break. I mean the semi-historical stuff the priest says afterwards.)
OK, I see. This priest, i.e., the Obi-Wan Konobi prototype, is Friendly Woman's father. He tells her to lead Murat to a temple nestled in the mountains. Inside the temple is purportedly a magic sword and a brain (!) that Murat can employ to defeat the Wizard. (Or something to that effect.)
As instructed, Friendly Woman leads Murat through a wasteland inhabited by red Rug Monsters. On a side note: I think the red ones are the most dangerous, although the brown ones do kick ass. It would be interesting to study the biology of these most fascinating creatures some day.
Time for a fist fight, since, you know, there's really not much else to do in this film. About, oh, let's see, 8 or 9 guys jump out. Whoever they are, they're adorned in a mixture of Conquistador helmets, vegetable steamers, fencing masks, and what looks like oversized oil funnels. Anyway, like I said, they jump out of nowhere and, brace yourself for a shock: Murat kicks their asses.
Meanwhile, Ali is tied down to a table with telephone cords, which I suppose represents yet another one of the Wizard's ineffectual torture techniques.
Ouch. Oh please, Mr. Wizard. Stop. Ouch.
Murat and Friendly Woman finally reach the legendary temple, which, I must point out, looks suspiciously like it's from a different movie. Anyway, the pair make their way into the innermost sanctum. Nestled in a nook in the wall is the Magic Sword and the Magic Brain. Murat reaches for the sword and, through the magic of a jump cut, is instantly attacked by a couple of guys dressed in gold lamé body suits. Sorry. I mean a couple of magic statues.
Murat vanquishes the statues in shorter time than it took for me to type it up, then takes the sword and brain from the cubby hole.
Friendly Woman, who is supposed to be a mute (we just find out...thanks guys), finally speaks her first words: "You succeeded!" She goes on to explain that, "I could not have spoken until the sword and the brain were seized by a mortal man."
Oh...so that's how it works.
Anyhoo, Murat nonchalantly tosses the brain back into the cubby hole (!), takes the sword, and exits the chamber.
In the passage way they run into Ali. Unfortunately the Wizard has brainwashed Ali, which quickly becomes evident when Ali snatches the sword from Murat's hands and attacks him. (I love how the 'swiiiiissshhhh' sounds occur even when Ali is holding the sword absolutely still!)
Oh wait. It wasn't Ali after all: It was a werewolf in the shape of Ali. Let me restate that: It's werewolf footage from an entirely different movie in the shape of Ali. The monster considerately stands completely still and growls as Murat impales him with the sword. (If you look closely as the werewolf dies, it reverts back into the form of a guy who's not even in this film. You really have to admire the way they paid attention to detail.)
"A trick of the Wizard," Friendly Woman remarks. (Gee, honey, you think?)
As Murat makes his way back to the Wizard's palace (and getting into yet another wild sword fight with a bunch of Rug Monsters...I never tire of watching that footage over and over again), the Wizard is busy trying to "transfer" Ali's brain into his own.
Whatever it is, it's really exciting to watch.
As usual, there's a fly in the ointment: "We are unable to perform the brain transfer of the human. His brain is not free," a computer reports. (Is it just me, or does the Wizard's mainframe look like one of those damned 'Furby' dolls?)
Somehow Murat breaks into the palace and frees Ali from the torturous Telephone Cord machine. Things are happening fast now: Ali knocks Murat unconscious and takes the sword for himself. Well, will the surprises never end? With Murat temporarily out of the picture, he brings the sword to the Old Priest Dude, who is actually the Wizard in disguise...or, well, that's what it looks like. Hey, I'm just writing the review, so cut me some slack.
Ali tries to wrench the sword out of the Wiz's hands, but the Wizard gives him a royal Space Ass Whooping. Thankfully, Murat arrives in the scene, the Wizard laughs and disappears. Nevertheless, Murat rescues Ali from what would have been a really embarrassing thrashing, but not before the Wizard gets to "touch the sword and the brain".
With the Wizard "infinitely powerful" (really...how 'infinite' can you get?), Ali gets pissed off and charges him. (Wait, didn't the Wizard just disappear? What the hell is happening?!) OK, well, Ali manages to step on a mine or something and is mortally wounded.
Now Murat is really pissed.
He melts the Magic Sword, sticks his hands in the goo, and pulls them out to reveal that he is now wearing Golden Gloves. (Magical Golden Gloves, I presume.)
Oh, and Golden Boots as well. (!)
Back on the surface, the villagers attack and kill a bunch of Bad Guys.
Let me try to describe what I'm seeing:
Murat attacks the Wizard, I think...No, it's a Red Rug Monster...(why am I hearing elephants?) WTF! Now he's jumping and ??? Huh? Indiana Jones music? and, man, is this editing really, really, really bad. Why did that Rug Monster just explode? What's with the STAR WAR FOOTAGE?!! Where did the fog come from??!! The Death Star? No, wait. He just punched a Rug Monster in half!!! What the....?! What's with the sound of somebody barfing into a vacuum cleaner? The aliens from the Cantina Bar are here?! Now he just punched the heads off of 3 Rug Monsters in a row. How can that monster continue to growl even though his head is ripped off? Hey! Isn't that C3PO footage?!!! Why did that Toilet Paper Mummy's head just explode? Now those statues are in the fight? From the temple?! Cut to see the Millennium Falcon...flying backwards???!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I'm really losing it now, but I'm going to try and hang in there.
The Wizard teleports down to the planet's surface and begins fighting with Murat...but man, there's a ton of smoke and explosions, so it's difficult to see what's actually happening. After a lot of jump cuts, Murat kicks an exploding rock at the Wizard. (Actually, it's the same footage from his earlier 'training' scene...waste not, want not.)
I swear to God I'm not on LSD, but this is what happens next:
Murat grabs the Wizard, rips off his mask, and begins karate chopping his head like there's no tomorrow. After a long barrage of chops, Murat delivers a mega-chop which splits the Wizard in half. (Each half of the Wizard explodes in a massive fireball, well, his head is still on the ground in two parts. I think.) Cut to the Wizard's newly parted head...to realize this special effect, the director covered one side of the camera lens with a piece of paper so it looks like it's just half his head!!!!!!!!!
Murat emerges victorious from a cloud of yellow smoke (?) as the villagers cheer "Hooray for the earth man!" Or some such nonsense.
As the triumphal sounds of Indiana Jones fills the soundtrack, Murat boards the Millennium Falcon and flies off into more Star Wars footage.
"Protect your future," the narrator concludes, "Because the future is in the peace."
Who can argue with that?
Dennis Grisbeck (March 2007)