InAlienable (2008)

Blurb: Still guilt-ridden over the accident that took his family’s lives,

Eric Norris discovers that his body is host to a parasite from another world. Except, it is more than a parasite: it carries his DNA… Is this his new son or–as the government believes–a threat to mankind?

Comments: Man, he accidentally kills his family and hosts an extraterrestrial parasite? Talk about a having a bad day!

Las Vegas Abductions (2007)

Blurb: Faced with the extinction of their species, shape shifting, evil alien monsters descend on earth [sic] with the intent to mutate with humans. They choose Las Vegas as their destination, seeking to blend in with Sin City to hatch their plan. Little do they know what they will be up against when they cross paths with Cindy, a hypnotherapist. and Lucas, a mystery man. Divining their evil intent, it is up to them to turn the tide and restore balance. An exciting roller coaster ride, THE LAS VEGAS ABDUCTIONS is sure to entertain and raise questions from the audience about what really might be ‘out there.’

Comments: How do you "mutate with" something? I guess you’ll find out if you bother to watch this flick. You just gotta love a movie that pairs up a hypnotherapist and a "mystery man". Oh, and I’m quite sure several questions will be raised by the audience after seeing this one, like, "Can I get my money back?"

Illegal Aliens (2007)

Blurb: “Charlie’s Angels” goes sci-fi, with a touch of “Men In Black”. Three aliens morph into super-hot babes and arrive to protect the earth [sic] from the intergalactic forces of evil.

Comments: Once again, isn’t "Earth" supposed to be capitalized? Oh, and gee, "Charlie’s Angels" is going to be Brundle-Fly’ed with "Men In Black", I can’t wait.

Centipede (2004)

Blurb: David is about to get married and give up his adventurous lifestyle. Jake, David’s childhood chum, talks him into coming on one last caving expedition within the deep and treacherous Shankali Caverns. David and his trusty friends arrive in India and enthusiastically enlist a local guide to take them into the underground caverns.



By campfire, the Guide [why caps?] offhandedly tells of the mysterious legend of the Shankali Cavern. Intrigued, the group wakes early the following day and race to an adventurous climb. But danger lurks in the crevices close by. [I think we've all probably exprienced a few 'dangerous crevices' in our time, am I right?]



As something sinister watches form [sic] the shadows, a member of the group wanders into an expanse to find driftwood. Attacked and killed by an unseen insect, his oil lamp spills onto the sulphorous floor, instigating a tremendous explosion. As the cave walls fall in, our heroes are trapped and the giant insects start to sense their prey.



The depleted group desperately searches for a way out of a terrifying world of shadows. Descending into the crevices below, Sara hangs down from a rope and sees a pair of glistening eyes watching her from the shadows. Thinking her mind is playing tricks on her, she doesn’t tell the others.



Splitting up to cover more ground, Owen now gets separated and wanders into a large musty cave with slimy walls; it’s a larvae nest. Before he knows what’s happening, enormous hungry maggots surround him. [Man, I hate when that happens.]



Meanwhile, at the surface, local law enforcement has arrived and tries to blast open the cave-in, but the attempt fails and the chances of survival for the group are diminishing. Could a stronger frequency on the police radio tune into the group’s walkies?



At last, David sees a mysterious darkness at the distant end of the tunnel but as the group approaches the light [What? Wasn't it a mysterious 'darkness'?], the giant Centipede attacks their Guide and Jake is only just cut free. At the same time, David sees a giant black centipede crawling into the dampness and another is digging its way up from behind the crevice. Cutting the creatures in half, David finds that both halves have remained very much alive.



While Jack meets up with the police cavers that have come to help, David and Sara try to distract the King Centipede and this means climbing into the breeding den where each vibration leads the giant centipedes closer to them.

Comments: Good grief…that was a blurb?! Actually, I kinda want to see this.

Dangerous Worry Dolls (2008)

Blurb: Serving time in a brutal women’s detention center, Eva (Jessica Morris) makes a wish to a box of tiny South American Worry Dolls. The Dolls then possess her, turning her into a creature of vengeance intent on slaughtering those that have wronged her…

Comments: It just goes to show that anything can be ‘scary’. What next? Dangerous Worry Beads?

Insecticidal (2006)

Blurb: These girls have a new major … Survival! [Ho! Ho! Get it?]

Brilliant sorority girl Cami’s experiment in insect intelligence goes awry, leaving giant, mutant insects hunting for food in a sorority house – and the only thing to eat is beautiful sorority sisters! The insect horrors increase in size while their source of food shrinks. The girls fight a savage hit and run battle with whatever weapons they can find. But the insects have more on their super-intelligent minds than food. Beautiful Josi becomes a host for more than sorority parties when she is infected with the next generation of mutant insects! Cami and a few survivors survive the night, leaving insect carnage throughout the house. But to deal with a bug problem, you have to kill them ALL …

Comments: Sorority chicks having sex with giant bugs? Sure. Why the hell not?

Moto-cross Zombies From Hell (2007)

Blurb: Up and coming motocross racer Cody and his teammates get more than they bargained for when, during the biggest motocross race of the season, the Zombies and their un-dead manager Ivan target them for elimination of the deadliest kind. [Uh, 'elimination of the deadliest kind'?...I'm not even going to touch that one.] It takes more than a fast
bike to win! It takes guts and a shotgun to survive! The race is on… Win or get eaten!

Comments: Zombies need a ‘manager’?!!

Dead Heat (1988)

Blurb: Violent criminals who can’t be killed are shooting up Los Angeles, and the investigation leads LAPD detectives Roger Mortis and Doug Bigelow to a mysterious pharmaceutical firm. But when Mortis is suddenly murdered, his coroner girlfriend and loose cannon partner discover the company’s ‘resurrection machine’ that turns Roger into the walking dead. Now the department’s most unstoppable cops must battle zombie hit men, a butcher shop gone berserk and the deceased industrialist who may hold the key to it all. But can Mortis solve his own homicide case before he completely decomposes?
Comments: Gotta love criminals (violent no less!) that can’t be killed. That’s gotta suck to be a cop on that beat.
Starring SNL’s Joe Piscopo. (You’re getting old if you remember that guy!) Anyway, I vaguely remember this movie coming out but, to be honest, don’t remember if I saw it or not. Probably doesn’t make much difference. Even though from the storyline I’m pretty sure I’d remember something this goofy.

Hell Comes To Frogtown (1987)

Blurb: In the radioactive wasteland of the future, Sam Hell is one of the last fertile men on the planet. But when Hell is seized by a female organization intent on repopulating, he is sent on a deadly mission to rescue – and impregnate – a group of beautiful women held captive by the violent bipedal amphibian leader of Frogtown. Who will survive the Dance of the Three Snakes? And will the female sex ultimately get their fill of Hell?
Comments: Stars "Rowdy" Roddy Piper from the good ‘ol WWF days. As mentioned in the blurb, Sam Hell comes to Frogtown. Get it? Hell? Ha Ha. Let’s see, Roddy Piper vs a bunch of guys in rubber frog suits. Go frogs! Unfortunately, I want to see this movie, even if it takes place in a future where the only "fertile" male is Roddy. (Yech!)

Illegal Aliens (2007)Killer Tomatoes Eat France (1991)

Blurb: The razor-toothed tomatoes return in "Killer Tomatoes Eat France," affectionately known as Part IV of the Tomatoes Trilogy. This time they’ve developed an appetite for dining a’ la Francaise! Filmed in France, the juicy plot unfolds as the evil professor Gangreen (John Astin) and his bungling henchman Igor (Steve Lundquist) create a new strain of tomatoes to devour the country. Only a young American tourist claiming to be Michael J. Fox (Marc Price, Skippy from "Family Ties") and his girlfriend (former Miss Universe, Angela Visser), who’s one hot tomato herself, can stop them!
The battle rages from the dungeon of France’s newest tourist attraction, "Igor’s Really Big Castle," to a Ben Hur-style car chase around the Arc de Triomphe and a heavy metal rock riot at the Louvre.
Comments: You know, I saw the first "Killer Tomato" movie way back when and even as a kid I hated it. I’m all for silly movies, but I just feel I missed the boat with all this Killer Tomato movies. Am I missing something here? Anyway, these movies are so goofy that I can’t stand them. I mean, isn’t there anything better to waste your time on?

Play-Mate of the Apes (2002)

Blurb: In the far distant future, sexy and fearless U.S. Astronaut Gaylor (Misty Mundae) and her shipments (Anoushka, Sharon Engert) crash land on a grim and desolate planet. Quickly out of their spacesuits and into each other’s arms, unbridled lesbian seductions become their only hope for survival. But Gaylor and crew discover the planet to be dominated by a tyrannical race of intelligent talking apes led by the dastardly general lade who plots the enslavement of all humans. The three astronauts are caught and imprisoned, yet Gaylor’s smarts, girlish charms, and hot erotic beauty immediately catch the fancy of human-friendly ape Dr. Cornholeus [!!!] (Debbie Rochon) as well as the luscious wild woman Uvala (Darian Caine). Soon, no woman can keep her “filthy” paws off Gaylor’s young, scrumptious body, and a revolution of untamed and uninhibited female lust threatens to bring down the repressive ape society… or set it free!
Comments: Takes place not in the distant future, but the "far"distant future…now that’s
the future! Oh yeah, and the planet they crash on is not just desolate: it’s "grim" too!
Straight-to-video soft-porn. Take it or leave it. By the way, the star of the film, Misty Mundae, also played ‘Clitoris’ in Gladiator Eroticus: The Lesbian Warriors. Aren’t you happy I told you that. If you really want to know, her sister, Chelsea also appears in this film, er, genre…notably The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String. (Oh, brother…)

Matthew Blackheart: Monster Smasher (2002)

Blurb: During World War II a renegade scientists invented green goo capable of transforming the dead into an army of monsters to fortify enemy troops. In retaliation, America gave life to the antidote — Matthew Blackheart — a monster-smashing machine, built from the reanimated reamins [sic] of American war heroes. Now, fifty years later in New York City, Blackheart returns after being frozen in time. The world has changed – but the monster domination remains the same. Armed with super-human powers and an old-fashioned sense of justice, only Matthew Blackheart can beat the undead at their own gruesome game! Comments: Blackheart returns to NYC to battle the monsters controlling the city. I always knew there was something about Donald Trump…
Anyway, a lot of people seem to like this movie. I have to admit, there’s something alluring about somebody who kills zombies while wrapped in an American flag.

Alien Factor 2: The Alien Rampage (2004)

Blurb: Witness the return of Baltimore’s greatest alien terror in this monstrous saga from low-budget cult director Don Dohler (Fiend, Nightbeast). Watch in horror as alien space specimens escape to pillage the countryside, leaving pandemonium in their wake!

Comments: Gee. Don’t tell us about the movie or anything. Wouldn’t want to give anything away regarding this Oscar winner. Wow…nothing like pandemonium to set your nerves on edge. Really makes me glad I never saw this nor the first "Alien Factor

Submerged (2005)

Blurb: Steven Seagal (Under Siege, Into The Sun), the world`s most deadly anti-terrorist agent, is going down under – under the sea, where waves of deceit are set to torpedo his command… permanently. Chris Cody (Seagal) is summoned from his military prison cell and promised a presidential pardon – with a hitch. An American Ambassador has been assassinated – by the U.S. Secret Service. Now the C.I.A. wants Cody to uncover and terminate this deadly operation, but they don`t tell him the truth. Cody ends up overpowered and trapped beneath the waves… but hardly out of his depth.

Comments:“…where waves of deceit are set to torpedo his command…” Oh BUH-rother! Steven, can’t you just go away?…To think that he was once married to Kelly “Woman In Red” LeBrock…(sigh). I’m assuming somewhere in the film there’ll be some sort of 10 minute monologue on global warming and/or the health of the world’s oceans.

American Nightmare (2002)

Blurb: On Halloween night, the pirate radio show ‘American Nightmare’ is broadcasting through the night. The show’s cynical and sadistic presenter has invited listeners to phone in and share their worst nightmares while he commemorates the massacre of four college students one year ago. At a local cafe, seven friends have gathered for dinner before heading out for a Halloween party. With the radio show playing in the cafe, they each take a turn to phone in and describe their worst fears. But unbeknownst to them, a killer is lurking nearby – a killer whose only intention is to turn their fears into a violent reality.

Comments:Oooo…not a pirate radio show! Now that’s cutting edge! I’m not a fan of “slasher” movies, and I really don’t understand people that are. Give me giant bugs any day. This is a prime example of the reason the government shut down all those damn pirate radio shows back in the 1990’s…look what it leads to: murder! And even worse: crappy movies. (End sarcasm)

Chained Sinners – Medieval Fleshpots (2003)

Blurb:…recently died and his son and heir will have a new virginal bride selected for him from amongst the princesses by the high priestess. But before the selection can begin, the beautiful princesses must be freed from their jealous kidnappers, who have forced them to work naked in the silver mines!

Comments:Somebody on IMDB swears that this movie isn’t porn….damn. Lead actress Rena Mero is appearantly some sort of wrestler, and goes by the moniker of ‘Sable” in the WWF/WWE pseudo-universe. Could be entertaining for somebody, but not me.

Cutaway (2000)

Blurb:U.S.customs agent Victor Caruso (stephen Baldwin) is a special operative who goes “Deep Cover” to bring down some of the worlds [sic] most notorious drug lords. He works under various alaises and he always brings these criminals to justice. He discover that a group of fanatical drug smugglers have been using parachutes to skydive drugs at night. Gradually, Caruso blurs the line that separates his mission from his new found passion having ultimately to choose between his duty and his lifestyle which he has come to obsess.

Comments:Yes! The rock’em-sock’em kick ass team of Stephan Baldwin and Dennis Rodman are back together again! (Did I just type that?!) Anyway, I thought it was pretty funny that they didn’t capitalize “stephan” in the movie description. Ouch. Then why did they capitalize “Deep Cover”? I suppose it’s all just random. I didn’t know somebody could ‘come to obsess’ their lifestyle, but there you have it. By the way, Rodman’s character is named “Randy ‘Turbo’ Kingston.” WARNING: Never see a movie with a character named “Turbo”.

Gladiator Eroticus – The Lesbian Warriors (2001)

Blurb:The Year is 69 A.D. Beautiful and powerful Roman General Eroticus has just vanquished her latest enemy with superior forces, cunning warfare and body-weakening lesbian seductions. Fading Emperor Gluteus Maximus wishes for the popular Eroticus to lead Rome into a new democratic era, but his spineless son Dickus Minimus will not give up the throne so easily. Arrested, savagely seduced, then left for the vultures, Eroticus vows revenge. Taken into slavery, she must first survive the sensual rigors of becoming the most feared and least clothed female Gladiator. She is the ultimate lesbian warrior! Friends, Romans, Lesbians…Lend Me Your Eyes.

Comments:I just wanted you to read this story line too. Some sort of ‘erotic-spoof’. Now there is a genre that is under-represented in today’s cinema. This movie features the characters of Eroticus, Orgasmus, Dickus Minimus (!!), and Slave Master Fellatio. I bet you want to see this, dontcha?

Some Things Never Die (1998)

Blurb:Shannon Griffin and her family move into the country to get away from the pressures of city life. Their peace is shattered when several townspeople die mysteriously and their bodies are found to be infested with a form of insect lava…

Comments: Infested with a form of insect “lava”? I guess that would be rather “mysterious”… Stars Randy “Cousin Eddie” Quaid and even has “Downtown” Julie Brown (!). If you don’t know who she is then go ask your parents about the history of MTV. Seems like an Arachnophobia rip-off, but might be OK to see if I’m in the right mood.

Invasion (1997)

Blurb:It begins on Arizona when three college friends, Beau (Luke Perry, Johnson County War, Beverly Hills 90210), Cassy (Rebecca Gayheart, Urban Legend), a srudent teacher, and Pitt (Christopher Orr, Shaft), a four-year medical student, discover a meteorite – stinging hot to the flesh – in the parking lot of a Phoenix diner. Within hours of touching it, Beau falls ill with strange flu-like symptoms that defy rational diagnosis. By the following morning, he has not only recovered, but feels euphoric. In fact he feels changed. But Beau isn’t the only one who has undergone the transformation. The strange flu has spread rapidly, affecting each victim with the same inexplicable exhilaration. The phenomenon inspires Beau to team with a billionaire entrepreneur to develop “The Institute for a New Humankind.” It’s a chance for its newly-illumnated members to experience the world as they never have before – and change it. Cassy and Pitt, suspicious of beau’s newfound “Cult,” are compelled to investigate. What they uncover is unfathomable but terrifyingly real: the virus is an alien intelligence systematically infecting the bodies and minds of everyone on Earth. Their attempt to solicit help from the Centre for Disease Control elicits only fear. For the CDC, along with the Police, are already among the changed. Tracking the course of the meteorite assault over the Internet, it’s up to Cassy and Pitt to stop it. Their underground fight takes them to an isolated government germ warfare base where a secret Portal to another world – and a life-or-death confrontation with Beau, the leader of the new alien race – awaits them.

Comments:Luke Perry…oh dear. Are times that hard for you? “The virus is an alien intelligence systematically infecting the bodies and minds of everyone on Earth.” Isn’t that a lot like the Republican party? A made for TV movie that sounds pretty crappy. Sounds like a rip-off of The Stand and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Stay away.

Komodo (1999)

Blurb:Emerald Island, a tropical haven, where 15 year old Patrick (Kevin Zegers) spent many happy summer holidays. But now ever-expanding industrial plants have replaced the summer homes and in place of the friends with whom he played, a hidden and unimaginable terror lurks. Within minutes Patrick’s world collapses as his family are attacked by fearsome creatures, leaving him orphaned and unable to describe the traumatic events he barely survived. Patrick’s grandmother locates Victoria Juno (Jill Hennessy), a fiercly committed young doctor who beleives she can help him. She decides that the best way to dislodge Patrick’s memories is to return him to the scene of his terror – the island whose bloodthirsty inhabitants robbed him of the ones he loved. But the devilish terror that existed before has grown in number and ferocity. When Patrick, Dr. Juno and their party arrive on the island they are met with deadly consequences. Dr Juno must take on insurmountable odds in order to recover Patrick’s psychological well being and Patrick comes face to face with his greatest fear. But can any human overcome the predatory instinct of the Komodo Dragon?

Comments:I actually saw this movie a few years back. Psschaw…what can I say? I had a few beers in me, so I thought it was mildly entertaining. You could certainly do a lot worse.

Replicant (2001)

Blurb:A deranged serial killer is on the loose. And only one man can catch him. Garrotte aka “The Torch” (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is being tracked by veteran police detective Jake Riley (Michael Rooker) to no avail. Each time Jake gets one step closer to Garrotte, another victim surfaces. Tormented by Garrotte’s insanity, Jake quits the police force and joins a special agency in a top secret mission to eliminate Garrotte. As part of Jake’s new assignment, he is teamed with a Replicant (Jean-Claude Van Damme) cloned from Garrotte’s DNA. In a race against time Jake must learn to trust the mind of the one person he has been trained to kill and control the thoughts of a madman he cannot stop.

Comments:Van Damme up to his normal post-career-meltdown antics. Looking a little worn around the edges in the poster, some reviewers say that this film signals Van Damme’s cinematic come back. I’m not holding my breath.

Tornado (1996)

Blurb:Samantha ‘Sam’ Callen (Shannon Sturges) is assigned to pull the plug on Dr.Branson’s (Ernie Hudson) tornado project, an untested machine to track and predict dangerous twisters. In the few days she gives him to finish his researches she meets, and falls for, Jake Thorne, a tornado chasing cowboy who, along with his friend Tex, shows her the devastating effects a twister can have on an entire community. Sam then begins to understand the importace of Dr.Branson’swork and realizes she wants to help. It’s then that Jake receives world of a real monster tornado heading their way – a deadly gale force maelstrom – an opportunity to test Dr.Branson’s machine but at a great risk as Sam and Jake enter the vortex and face imminent death!

Comments:Hmmmm…a made for TV movie that came out the same year as Twister. What a “coincedence”. For some reason the storyline writer fails to mention the lead, Jake Thorne, is played by Bruce “Evil Dead” Campbell. (!!) Now how bad Twister was, and it was bad, I’m betting this one is a whoooole lot worse…

Forbidden Rage – White Slave Secrets (2002)

Blurb:A small group of young women are captured and enslaved by the cruel forces who own the only source of water that is not infected by the deadly plague.

Comments:Apparently a soft-core lesbian flick. I guess it was about time the whole captured-lesbian-slave-deadly-plague niche market was exploited. Starts Fawnia Mondey, crowned 1999 “Miss Nude Internet”. She also starts in an instructional video called “Lap Dancing & Entertaining Your Man: Volume 4″. Now I know what I’m asking for next Christmas. It might be bad, but it’s probably better than Tornado.

Asteroid (1997)

Blurb:This is the amazing story of the greatest catastrophe in human history. Two giant asteroids are on a collision course with earth, hurlling towards us at 34.000mph and each could hit with 10.000 megatons of explosive power, creating shock waves and a fireball that would obliterate the human race. As panic and terror spread, two people hold the key to mankind’s survival – a top female astrologist and the head of the government’s federal emergency agency. When the first asteroid causes cataclysmic disaster as it crashes into Kansas City, the world’s resources are turned against the even larger rock hurlling [sic] through space. And as the eve of total destruction approaches, the entire planet holds it [sic] breath.

Comments:Stars Michael “John Connor” Biehn. You know that if one asteroid slamming into the Earth is exciting, it’s gotta be twice as exciting if there’s two! Right? Wow, you know it’s going to be an fun movie when Kansas City gets wiped out and the hero is the director of FEMA. zzzzzzzzzzzz

Countdown – The Sky’s On Fire (1998)

Blurb:A city is threatened by a firestorm, as a hole in the Earth’s ozone layer increases. Researcher Evan Thorne investigates a number of cases of severe sunburn and discovers a hole in the ozone layer threatening the lives of millions in the city. With his sister, Jennifer (Josie Bissett), and her pilot fiance Racer [!!!], Evan calls for the evacuation of the city but Dr. Aaron Schiffren, of the Atmospheric Research Committee resists. Evan is forced to tell the media and there is panic in the city. Finally Dr. Schiffren is convinced and prepares an ozone bomb for Evan and Racer to explode inside that deadly hole. But their plane has trouble climbing to the right altitude and down below Jennifer, along with many thousands, is feeling the effects of the lethal radiation. Evan and Racer are their only chance for survival!

Comments:Another made for TV film which sounds a hell of a lot like The Day After Tomorrow even though “Countdown” came out first. If you find “ozone bombs” your cup of tea, then rent this flick. Otherwise you might want to stick to “Forbidden Rage”.

Boa vs. Python (2004)

Blurb:Two of nature’s biggest and most terrifying scaled predators square off in an action-filled battle of fangs! When a gigantic python is on the loose on a private reserve, the FBI [!?] must release an equally large boa to track and capture it as a group of wealthy big game hunters try to bag the python as a trophy themselves.

Comments:Well, I guess it was a matter of time. I have to question the FBI’s conclusion that the only way to capture a giant python is to release a giant boa. Now that I think about it…the FBI was put in charge of this? Dear God…please forgive me, but…I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!

April 2010: NOTE -> Here You Go!

Creatures from the Abyss (1994)

Blurb:Five teenagers on a boating trip discover a mysterious ship and decide to board it and investigate. Inside they find scientific equipment and a man in a state of shock. Then their dinghy sinks in a flash storm and they are stranded on the ship. Curious, they try to find out what has taken place – but then horrific things begin to happen to them. Dorothy vomits strange, small creatures, Margaret is bitten in the neck by a fish, Bob and Julie taste some powder and transform into hideous monsters. Mike eventually comes up with the answer – radioactive waste contamination from the abyss – but can he survive the terror and get to safety?

Comments:Dorothy vomits strange, small creatures…” as opposed to vomiting normal small creatures? I also feel to see how Margaret being bitten in the neck by a fish is equally as “horrific” as Bob and Julie “transforming into hideous monsters.” It just seems that Margaret got off a little easy there. “…radioactive waste contamination from the abyss.” Well, it’s nice to see that even Satan in the abyss has trouble dealing with radioactive waste.

Cherry Falls (2000)

Blurb:Cherry Falls is a quiet little town – until the night that a serial killer begins preying on its youth. After a third teen is found slain, the killer’s modus operandi emerges: the victims were all virgins. Sheriff Marken (Michael Biehn), is concerned for the safety of the teens in general and in particular his own daughter, Jody (Brittany Murphy), who is still a virgin. Once the students realise that to save their skins, they’re going to have to lose their virginity NOW, a meet-and-mate party takes shape. Jody finds herself at the centre of the mystery and the mayhem. As the students’ ‘Pop Your Cherry’ ball gets going off-campus, Jody takes matters into her own hands, in more ways than one…

Comments: Did I read that correctly? Be very afraid of anybody that recommends this movie to you…

Demonicus (2001)

Blurb:A man resurrects a long dead gladiator when he kills all of his friends… On a hiking trip in the Italian Alps James discovers and [sic] ancient burial cave filled with gladiator artifacts. He becomes possessed by the spirit of Tyranus, a demon gladiator, and goes on a killing spree to revive the true spirit of demonicus [sic lower-case]. A professor, Gina, and her students are to be the sacrifices to the demon Tyranus. Can they outwit Demonicus before becoming offerings to the evil god?

Comments:Gladiator meets Dawn of the Dead. I can’t imagine that Russell Crowe turned down the lead in this. What was he thinking about? Oh yeah…his career. I wonder how Gina, professor, will fare against Demonicus, demon…

The Unbelievable (1999)

Blurb:A group of hikers led by a college professor are searching the woods for an ancient Indian burial mound. When they discover a likely site, three members of the group reveal themselves to be grave looters, and tie up the others so they can keep the valuable artefacts [sic] for themselves. In the course of ransacking the mound, one of them stumbles across a cursed crown that unleashes the mound’s guardian: an invisible monster that begins attacking everyone it finds. Will anyone make it back to civilization alive?

Comments:Oh gee…an “invisible monster”…that’s going to make for some fun viewing. “Will anyone make it back to civilization alive?” Will anyone make it through the entire movie wthout turning it off?

Project Vampire (1993)

Blurb:Three medical interns escape project Alpha, a diabolic scheme injections. [sic...did the writer fall asleep there?!] An additional injection of Antidote allows the vampire to masquerade as a human in the daylight. The Superserum as an antdote is distributed worldwide. The vampires produced are physically controlled by Doctor Fredrick Klaus, the master vampire. His goal, with Project Alpha, is politics and business, dominated by vampires. Only intern Victor Hunter struggles to regain his humanity and stop klaus and his addicted followers. But time is running out before Victor is one of them…

Comments:If you can make any sense of that storyline then feel free to see the movie. I got lost after the first sentence.

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

Blurb:The mighty warrior, Kain (David Carradine), crosses the barren wastelands of the planet Ura, where two arch enemies, Zeg (Luke Askew) and the evil degenerate Balcaz, (William Marin) fight incessantly for control of the village’s only well. Kain sees his opportunity and announces that his sword is for hire…but his eyes stay clearly on the beautiful captive sorceress Naja, (Maria Socas) and his newly awakened purpose.

Comments:More 1980’s ’sword-n-sorcery’ sludge. Starring David “Kung Fu” Carradine. (ouch!). Hmmm, let me get this straight: I’m supposed to spend 90 minutes watching Zeg and Balcaz battle “incessantly” for the village well. Oh gee. Let me brace myself for that. Is it just me, or does that poster look a bit like the original Star Wars posters? Hello, Mr. Lucas…? I really don’t want to think about David Carradine’s “newly awakened purpose” if you get my drift.

Bugs (2003)

Blurb:A cop on the track of a criminal finds himself in the midst of an unfinished subway tunnel, when his flashlight reveals a startling discovery: a three metre long scorpion-like Bug. With one slice of its massive tail the bug fells the man and devours him. FBI agent Matt Pollack is brought in to investigate, and when forensics reveal the source of the problem, he turns to his friend and entomologist Emily Foster for help. Her studies have chilling results. Matt and a team of crack SWAT commandos must go down and rid the underground of its evil predators. Once in the tunnel, the team is attacked by an army of the creatures. They retaliate with massive firepower, causing the collapse of the tunnel entrance. Their only way out is ten miles ahead through an emergency exit. Matt and his team must get there and exterminate the bugs before they escape into the city causing chaos and destruction.

Comments:A Sci-Fi Channel made for TV movie. Obviously a totally lame rip-off of Mimic. Why is “Bug” capitalized in the first sentence? Did I miss something in English class? Wow, an FBI agent who has a hot female friend that happens to be an entomologist. That was convenient.

Deep Core (2000)

Blurb:Scientists unwittingly unleash an explosion whilst attempting to drill to an oil rich deposit under the ocean floor. Miles away a Siberian town disappears through a sink hole…

Comments:And the connection is…?

Hypersonic – Air Race Earth (2002)

Blurb:In the spirit of the new millennium, six leading nations have agreed to each enter a team in the ultimate hi-tech competition. A 24 hour round-the-world supersonic jet race. The skill and bravery of the selected pilots will be tested in the extreme as the aircraft will be set [sic] a punishing zig-zag course over oceans and through narrow canyons. Determined to revenge [sic] the recent death of three comrades, a renegade Chinese pilot decides to bring live combat in to [sic] the competition creating havoc for the American and British pilots and a political nightmare for the organisers and governments involved.

Comments:Wow! A “zig-zag course over oceans” ! Now that’s crazy!!! A renegade Chinese pilot! Who would have thought. Well, I guess since the cold war is over we can’t blame the Russians for every Evvviillll in the world… Thank goodness the American and British pilots are still buddies. Oh, and he decided to bring “live combat” to the competition…as opposed to?

Blood Dolls (1999)

Blurb:Virgil is an eccentric freak, a brilliant billionaire with a head the size of an avocado. He finds amusement in his personal ‘house band’: four beautiful rock and roll girls-in-a-cage who play on command…He’s also a ‘biological inventor’. His latest creations, Blood Dolls, are obedient little creatures with deadly features. About to be betrayed by those he most closely trusts, Virgil and his ‘family’ of freaks are about to exact the ultimate revenge.

Comments:Hmmm, reminds me a bit of those Puppetmaster movies. Or was it Demonic Toys? Anyway, I’d love to get my hands on this one. “Four beautiful rock and roll girls-in-a-cage”… How can you go wrong? Why is “rock and roll” unhypenated while “girls-in-a-cage” is? Oh nevermind…

Antibody (2002)

Blurb:An international terrorist has the detonator to a hidden nuclear device secreted within his body. If he dies, the nuke explodes. In the style of ‘Inner Space’ and ‘Fantastic Voyage’, a miniaturised crew enters the fanatics [sic] body to locate and neutralise the device!

Comments:Is it the detonator or the nuclear device “secreted” in his body? Nevermind, I don’t want to even think about it. Oh yeah, this movie is “in the style” of Fantastic Voyage…I guess they didn’t want to say “ripped off”.

Deep Freeze (2002)

Blurb:A scientific expedition to the frozen wastes of the Antarctic promises many riches for the oil exploration company, Geotek. When a scientist discovers the frozen remains of a prehistoric creature, they decide to transport the unknown species to Geotek’s lab in America for a detailed examination. As the creature slowly thaws, they discover that they have imported a vampire-like prehistoric menace that thrives on death and destruction on it’s [sic] quest for human blood.

Comments:OK, why the hell can’t people remember that “it’s” is a conjunction of “it is”, not the possessive “its”. People get paid to write this crap! Anyway, a “vampire-like prehistoric menace that thrives on death and destruction”. Sounds like my old girl-friend. Could be worth seeing.

Dark Descent (2002)

Blurb:35,000 feet beneath the ocean lies a mining community forgotten by most except for their profit-chasing employers. In an effort to reduce their employees time in decompression and so increase working hours, the company is testing an experimental decompression serum on their workers. When a section of the mining complex floods resulting in the death of 30 miners, investigator Lee Ramsey suspects foul play. With the help of the eccentric veteran miner Jeffrey Lotte, Ramsey sets out to destroy the evil bosses and eliminate their cruel money-based motives!

Comments:Oh my God! A company that chases profits! Bastards! I bet you the rough-n-tough team of Ramsey and Lotte will take care of those “cruel money-based motives”! Thank goodness I work for a company that’s not interested in making profits. I’m also a little confused here…what’s the connection between the experimental serum and the flood? If 30 miners die and the only people that know about the place are the “profit-chasing employers”, then who sent in the investigators. Ugh. This looks like a mindless Blame Big Business potboiler with no redeeming factors. Avoid.

Prison of the Dead (2002)

Blurb:Kristof, an eccentric rich kid, tricks his high school friends into getting back together for a reunion of sorts under the pretence of a funeral. The group of twenty-somethings is forced to spend the night in an old, abandoned witches’ prison. During a Ouija board séance, the schoolmates accidentally unearth three undead executioners from their graves. A little confused, and quite a bit angry, the Crypt keepers initiate a killing spree that will only end up when everyone is dead. Fortunately, the schoolmates were all wearing black – too bad it’s for their own funerals.

Comments:Why is it pointed out that Kristof is rich? Because money is bad? Yeah, he’s rich, he implicitly deserves to be slaughtered by re-animated Crypt keepers. Should we feel more pity for a poor kid than a rich one? “An old, abandoned witches’ prison”. As opposed to an old yet fully-operational witches’ prison? “…a killing spree that will only end up when everyone is dead”. Can a killing spree end before everybody is dead?

Python (2000)

Blurb:Sleepy New Haven California is a small town with a big problem. A sixty foot slithering horror has arrived and shattered the town’s tranquility on it’s [sic] path of death and destruction. Growing violent and more savage with each attack the gigantic creature soon becomes an unstoppable feeding machine raging beyond the control of it’s [sic] creator, leaving only the stripped bones of it’s [sic] victims in it’s [sic] wake.

Comments:I think this must be a new record…they used “it’s” instead of “its” EVERY SINGLE TIME! Congratulations! Oh, how does a python strip a victim to the bone?

Body Melt (1993)

Blurb:Injected with an experimental drug, the research chemist RYAN leaves a mysterious rural health farm and drives to the outer city suburb of Homesville. As Ryan’s body starts to deteriorate and his driving becomes more erratic, a cruising police car starts to chase him. Charging towards a group of houses in Pebble Court, Homesville, Ryan leaves a cryptic message on his Dictaphone: ‘The first phase is hallucination. The second phase is glandular … The third phase is …’ Before he can finish the sentence Ryan crashes into a parked car and dies. The cops and various residents approach the wreck but do not see the bizarre tentacles that crawl out of the dead man’s neck. Senior detective SAM PHILIPS and his rookie partner JOHNNO [?!] starts investigating the death. Was the dead man trying to contact one of the residents of Pebble Court? and why? Strange things begin to happen to the residents. PAUL MATTHEWS drinks an innocent looking vitamin powder and starts to hallucinate, a ghostly apparition coming from his ribs. two [sic lower-case] young Italian boys SAL and GINO drive into the outback and are captured by a feral, mutant family and the patriarch PUD. the [sic lower-case] pregnant CHERYL RAND loses her placenta. It hides in the house and then attacks her husband BRIAN. the [sic lower-case] NOBLE family go to a health farm for ‘a holiday they will never forget’. The cops begin to piece the puzzle together, making connections between the bizarre events in Homesville and the so-called health farm run by the insidious Dr CARRERA and his assistant SHANN. But can they stop Carrer’s crazy scheme? Or will everything just keep melting?

Comments:Was the guy who wrote this storyline on speed? And why is everbody’s NAME in CAPITAL LETTERS? A woman loses her placenta, which proceeds to attack her husband? I was thinking about dropping some acid this weekend but I think I’ll just watch this movie instead.