Summary: A nostalgic look at how things once were…"One with all the calculator know-how you’ll probably ever need."

I’m not sure of the date of this reel, but it’s a freakin’ silent movie, so can it be from the 30′s? Earlier? I tried to find the date of this one on the Internet but to no avail. Feel free to drop me a line if anybody knows out there.

OK, open with a slide that informs us that:

The aforementioned Mr. Newhouse is now shown staring longingly at a display of…some sort of electrical contraption. I have no idea what it is. It could be anything from a dishwasher to an atom bomb. Oh, ok, they’re heaters…sorry "Electric heating devices," as Newhouse explains to his friend that pops up and gives him a warm handshake.

"I’m interested in these electric heating devices…"

The two men continue to gesticulate and "talk" even though everything is completely silent. Now, ok, I’ve had a few beers (give me a break: could you sit and write reviews of these things completely sober?!!), but man, this silence is really weird. Newhouse’s friend puts forth a cryptic offer…

Please. Don’t ask me. I just review here.

There’s about a million images running through my head at this point, and most of them are giving me the creeps. Nevertheless, Newhouse takes his leave along with his friend to get into his "electric". (I’m guessing that’s the guys car…did they have electric cars back then? Master Proof Reader Sean Ledden seems to believe that they did. I’ll take his word for it.)

The two friends go outside, plop into Other Guy’s car, and take off down the street. A new slide greets our eyes:

Ahh, yes. Who doesn’t enjoy a charming electric recreation from time to time, eh?

Newhouse and Other Guy, and to make things easier, I hereby dub him Mr. Electric, arrive and Mr. Electric’s house and go inside.

Well, I spoke too soon. Mr. Electric, I hereby dub the Mr. Wise.

(Insert your own joke here.)

Newhouse and the Wise’s chat for a while, and really, what’s the point when it’s a silent film?

Anyhoo, the tour of the Wise estate begins. The eager trio ascend the stairs and enter the first room.

The first item on display? Why the everyday key-driven vacuum cleaner:

Honey…have you seen the keys to the vacuum cleaner?

Sure enough, Wise inserts a key into the wall, turns it, and the vacuum cleaner comes to life. I’m assuming. There’s no sound remember.

The Vacuum Cleaner.

Another turn of the key and the colossal vacuum cleaner shuts off.

Let’s move to the next item, shall we?

Why yes, it’s Mrs. Wise’s electric sewing machine. Happy Happy Joy Joy.

Let the good times roll.

(Damn. A Labatts would taste really good about now.)

More conversation, sort of. I mean, I can’t hear a damned thing, so can’t we just get on with it? Mrs. Wise eventually sits down and sews something as Newhouse watches in amazement. (Ack.)

After a demonstration of the electric iron (don’t ask), Mrs. Wise tells her husband to show Newhouse the "bathroom outfit" while she goes downstairs.

In the bathroom Wise shows Newhouse…something. I have no idea what it is, but it is attached to a long cord so it’s either an electric shaver, a sheep shearer, or a vibrator. God knows.

Mr. Wise announces: "The electric kitchen is the pride of our household."

Boy, this is going to be fun.

More silent demonstrations of kitchen appliances; ovens, water heaters, waffle irons (?).

I’m really struggling to stick this one out, but I’m going to try and hang in there because it’s actually pretty surreal from time to time.

Mrs. Wise demonstrates her new Electrical Appliance. (Whatever the hell it is.)

After showing Mr. Newhouse a gadget with lots of spinning gears and wheels that does something to something, they go into the next room and chat with a maid who is busy ironing clothes with an electric iron. (Hey! No fair! They already showed an iron. But it’s still soooooo exciting.)

Mr. Wise takes Newhouse into his workshop to demonstrate the miracle of the soldering iron. OK, I may be freaking out here, but watching 20 seconds of erotic silent footage depicting molting solder dripping from a soldering iron is just too much to take right now.

Dear lord…please let this newsreel end…

Ahh…time to move on to the "chafing-dish luncheon".

People eat. People say things…but I can’t hear what they’re saying, so screw it.

People make toast in electric toasters. Coffee in electric coffee makers….

After lunch, Mrs. Wise tends to the baby while the men enjoy, and I kid you not, "electric lighted cigars". (!)

By the way, the electric cigar lighter is as big as a freaking telephone, so that’s just gotta be safe to have laying around the house.

Upstairs, Mrs. Wise warms up something or other with an electric something or other…and…oh screw this.

Conclusion: Pretty wierd…but would make a cool Nine Inch Nails video.

Summary: A nostalgic look at how things once were…"One with all the calculator know-how you’ll probably ever need."

Open with a strange montage of voiceovers bitching about the costs of "paper work". Why, I wonder if there is any product out there that can alleviate our woes?

"There’s gotta be an answer!" a voice pleads.

"Introducing: The Answer"…yes, pull back camera to show the Sharp Calculator…all 8-digits of computer power at your fingertips…"A really fast thinker!" we’re informed.

Yes, marvel at the "world’s smallest electronic calculator": the size of a dollar bill.

Oh, and you’d better hurry and take advantage of this one time low price: $345 (!!!!)

At that price, I’ll take two.

Conclusion: You know you’re getting old when you actually remember these things…

Summary: Asbestos is your friend!

You thought asbestos was bad for you? Nooooo….not at all! A little light music and a friendly narrator will change all that!

As a young couple sit in their living room dreaming of a new home, the narrator (Big-N) explains just what a home means to people, "Home brings a sense of security to a man…and to every woman, her homes means a setting for gracious living." (heh, heh)

Next comes the decision concerning what to have on the outside of the house: brick, wood, stone, stucco…but wait! What about a NEW and exciting material: asbestos!

As a montage of Science shots grace the screen, we learn how asbestos is just another product in the long line of useful household items that make life sooooo much easier for the modern family.

Big-N explains how asbestos is made up of millions of tiny fibers (yes, the ones that get in your lungs and cause cancer) that they glue to cement or something.

And hey! Asbestos won’t burn! So why not cover your house in it?

Gee! Where do I sign up?

Now we see shots of the, *ahem*, beautiful suburbs of the 1950′s…i.e., rows, and rows, and rows of identicle houses as far as the eye can see:

Asbestos as far as the eye can see…I can’t wait to move there!

Well, now we visit a nationaly knows archetect who toots the asbestos horn and tells us how lovely it is. "Now other material will look as good on this house," he says pointing to a drawing, "than asbestos cement!" If you say so. Another developer notes, "It’s not only good, it’s economical too." (Reminding me of that old ‘Ren and Stimpy" skit with the child’s toy ‘Log’: "It’s better than bad, it’s good!" I guess you had to be there…)

Hell, you can get an asbestos roof and floors! Just sign up for a "lifetime of beauty…"

And fade to black.

Conclusion: I feel my lungs clogging up just watching this show.

Summary: Experience the magic of plastic wrap!

A car drives up. A 1950′s family piles out of the car for a picnic. It is Dad’s first day of vacation and they discover that amidst all the confusion of the previous day, they’ve forgotten to pack something to cover the picnic table. (Ahhh…the big issues of simpler times.)

The reason for the previous day’s confusion? Let’s take a look.

As Papa works on the garage, we cut to the kitchen where Mama is making a birthday cake for little Kathy’s sixth birthday. "Everything is under control," says the Narrator. (There is always this bizarre theme of ‘control’ in these news reels.)

The phone rings.

Alas, it turns out that "the food demonstration for the new freezer" is taking place on that very day. Oh darn. And today is Kathy’s birthday! Oh dear! You see, Mary and Jack have saved and saved for a new freezing, and today is the day when the "home service representive from the local utilitiy company" is going to stop by their house and show them how to best use their new freezer! Just try getting someone to do that today. I dare you.

Well, Mama has to buy a bunch of food for the demonstration, so she asks her husband, Jack, if he could finish the cake while she’s at the store. Well, you should know that a man of the 1950′s wouldn’t be caught dead baking a cake, but Jack relents and goes inside to put the icing on the cake. Mama even puts an apron on him before she leaves. Har-Dee-Har!

Mama, and the viewer, learns a great trick for storing hamburger patties: Stack them with a piece of plastic wrap between them. (Quick! Write that down!) Then wrap the whole stack together in one big piece of plastic wrap. Cool!

As The Home Service Representative shows Mama how to wrap "any type of roast, or a whole chicken or turkey", Jack struggles to make party favors in the living room for Kathy’s birthday.

Fascinating!

Oh yeah, here’s how you can wrap a chicken:

"After wrapping the giblets separately [Important point!], place all the pieces of chicken, including the wrapped giblets, in the center of the square of film. Try to arrange the pieces so they fit together snugly…giving you a nice compact grouping. Wrap the package as tightly as you can, sealing out as much air as possible. With a little care, you can get a neat, firm package."

Now we move to the living room, where we learn to make party favors using plastic wrap.

I can’t take anymore.

Oh yeah. Cut to the following day. Guess what they end up covering the picnic table with?

Conclusion: Boy, the things I actually sit and watch for this web site…