Directed by David Kramarsky

Screenplay by Tom Flier

Effects by Paul Blaisdell

Run Time: 78 minutes

The Monster Shack happily presents a guest review by Randy Landers.

Summary: In an inhospitable wasteland far from civilization, a powerful alien touches down and begins tampering with nature, turning calm animals like birds and chickens into violently aggressive bears that attack members of a dysfunctional family.

It had been years since I’d last seen this movie, and after seeing it again, I remember why.

Opening narration is almost always a bad thing. “I need this world,” begins the alien conqueror. It goes on to explain the entire plot of the movie, how it will come to Earth and take over the minds of animals and watch everything that we will do. “You will come to know me as the beast with a million eyes!” Okay, so we now know the plot, so we can get started, right?

Nope.

One opening narration is almost always a bad thing, but two opening narrations? We’re in deep trouble now. Paul Birch now takes the time to explain how miserable their lives are on the date ranch. His farm is going under; his wife hates him for it and hates their daughter because she’s going off to college. So we meet the family:

Alan (played by Paul Birch) is a reasonable man if a touch fatalistic. He’s a war veteran who doesn’t talk about the war.

Carol (played by Lorna Thayer) is the mom. And man, can she not cook. She must ruin practically every meal she tries to bake. She keeps burning the cake she’s trying to make for Sandy’s birthday, and to top it off, she’s just really a self-centered bitch until she has a change of heart.

Sandy (played by Dona Cole) is the movie’s teenager (well, she’s supposed to be a teenager—she actually looks like the younger sister of Lorna Thayer, who plays her mom). She’s actually probably the most interesting of the family, swimming in the watering hole in her one piece definitely caught my interest, but that voice of hers is much like June Foray’s from Bullwinkle. I’m not sure if I could sit through a date with her if she talked much during dinner.

Deputy Larry Brewster (played by Dick Sargent—yes, the second “Darren” from Bewitched) is Sandy’s love interest. We don’t know much about him, but he’s there, and appears to be a complete afterthought to the movie.

Him (played by Leonard Tarver) is a mute who works on the date ranch. “We don’t know his name, so we call him ‘Him,’” explains Sandy. Right… So Him stays in a shack on the ranch, its interior walks decorated with G-rated pinups. (We learn at the end his name is Carl, but since no one calls him that, we’ll just call him Him.)

Duke is the family German shepherd. He’s a good dog until he goes bad.

Old Ben is a local dairyman with one cow, one murderous cow. Ol’ Duke and Ol’ Ben are pretty much of equal importance to the story.

The title character is just, well, let’s just say he’s not worth mentioning.

Okay, so let’s start the story.

After the two useless narrations and a cursory introduction to the family, Mom is cooking in the kitchen, Alan’s out and about, and Sandy is swimming when they hear this high pitched whine. “Must be one of those new fangled jets,” says Ben. The noise breaks all the glassware and china in Carol’s house (it’s not like they’re going to be used for fine dining anyways). Sandy actually is sorry for her mom about the destruction. “It’s all you have left,” she tells her. Yeah, she doesn’t have a husband or a daughter. All she had was her china. Geez…

Our friend the deputy shows up to investigate the broken glassware and china (Carol called the police), and immediately goes for a walk with Sandy. After explaining who Him is, Sandy and the deputy return to the farmhouse where he claims, “It’s hard to believe a jet did this!” looking at all the broken glassware. Soon everyone leaves Carol behind going on various places that allow the next dramatic sequence to take place. Duke had been in the desert when he came across what looked to be a small satellite sitting in a gully. The dog returns to the farm, and promptly attacks Carol. We’re not sure if he’s put her out of her misery or not.

Him wanders off into the desert, drawn to whatever drew Duke out there.

Sandy and Alan return from their shopping trip to find the lights off, and we’re supposed to be relieved that when the lights are turned back on, Carol’s still alive. Duke is dead, and Carol explains that she had to defend herself from the dog. Sandy is angry that her dog has been killed and storms off, leaving Carol and Alan to reconcile. The incident has changed Carol’s personality; she’s now a loving person again. Not sure if why killing the dog with an axe would have this affect on a person, but hey, I didn’t write it.

Sandy storms off into the desert and meets Him in the desert. They look at something, and Sandy says, “It’s pretty, isn’t it? I wonder what it’s doing way out here.” Oddly enough, we don’t get to see it, and it’s unclear as to why. We’ve already seen the spacecraft (the dog had seen it), so why they didn’t think to show it again strikes me as very odd. They return to the farmhouse, and Sandy tells her dad that she’d found herself in the desert, as though she’d been sleepwalking. They go inside, and Sandy reconciles with her mom.

After dinner, Alan and Carol discuss whatever force drew them out into the desert, and we learn that Sandy and Him together were more powerful than that force. (Now, this is one of those scenes that you’re supposed to remember later.)

The next morning, Old Ben gets trampled to death by his milking cow, Sally. Carol gets attacked by flying chickens in their coop, and Alan saves her from being pecked to death with a blowtorch. It’s not like we see the chickens burned. We just see Alan waving it about. We don’t really see the chickens attack her. They head back inside for more talking (we see Alan writing a letter to the Veterans Administration—jinkers, it’s a clue!), and Sandy and Carol have more reconciliation, especially after Sandy shows her mom how to bake.

Alan and Him drive to the date grove while Carol and Sandy have some mother-daughter moments. Alan drops Him off, and leaves Him with an axe. What an axe is used for date farming, I’ll never know. But as soon as he pounds a stake into the ground next to a date tree, Him heads off to see the satellite. Alan visits Ben since the family didn’t get their milk delivery, and finds Ben’s been killed. “We thought it was all over; it’s just beginning,” Alan surmises. Not quite sure why he thought “it was over.”

Meanwhile, the killer moo cow shows up at the date ranch and supposedly nearly tramples Carol to death, but Alan returns in time to shoot Sally. Not that we see it. We see the cow. We see Carol falling on the ground screaming. We hear the gunfire. We don’t see the cow get killed. We don’t even hear the cow fall onto the ground. Maybe the rifle was set to disintegrate… Alan tries to call Deputy Larry, and doesn’t get through. Why he doesn’t ask for the sheriff, I don’t know, but he tells the girls to go for help and to bring back Larry and a couple of men.

Alan discovers he didn’t get through because blackbirds have struck the power transformer. Why that affects the phone lines, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just overthinking this a bit. Those birds…they keep showing up in the story, striking car windows whenever Alan’s driving, causing mayhem.

Anyways, the family drives to the date grove to check on Him. Alan goes a lookin’, and the ladies basically reiterate Alan’s lines for those of you who were too busy doing Sudoku to actually pay attention to them. He dispatches them to drive to town, and he’s attacked by birds. Shooting at them with the rifle does no good, but waving it around like a magic wand makes the birds go away. He walks back home to find Carol and Sandy are at home instead of rounding up the deputy and his men. “I was depending on you!” Alan hollers. Carol leads him out to the car which is riddled with birds. Alan says, “Birds can’t think….There’s something guiding these birds. Suppose that plane wasn’t a plane.” And he basically repeats the alien’s plan from the narration. I guess the beast with a million eyes doesn’t like to be talked about, because the birds attack again.

Him returns to the ranch as well and lets the air out of the tires on their car, and heads down the road. Meanwhile, Deputy Larry determines that the family is in trouble and heads out to the ranch. Him is waiting for the deputy, and after hitching a ride with Larry, bonks him on the head, causing an accident. Him then heads out to the desert, followed by Larry. They fight alongside the crater where the disco satellite of love is flashing lights at them. Larry knocks Him out, and heads back to the ranch.

At the ranch, Sandy tells her mom the cake is beautiful, and Carol says, “It wouldn’t have been a cake if you hadn’t remembered to take it out of the oven.” (See, even Carol knows she can’t cook.) And Carol and Alan talk some more. “Together. That’s our strength, Alan. Together we are stronger.” (Just like that conversation I told you to remember earlier.) They decide to try the car, and discover the tires are flat. Meanwhile, Sandy is really upset about her crappy birthday, and heads out the window .

There’s the wonderful scene where Larry and Sandy are wandering in the grove. Sandy is calling for Larry (goodness only knows why—it’s not that they’re expecting him). Him grabs Sandy and forces her out into the desert. Larry shows up at the house, and the door opens as he hears a scream behind him. Now, most lawmen I know would’ve gone to investigate, but Larry goes in looking for Sandy. (Guess he doesn’t know what she sounds like when she’s screaming.) Larry and Alan head out to the desert on foot as Him delivers Sandy to the spacecraft. “Do you hear what I hear?” asks Larry and they get behind some rocks (they’re hearing birds and the high pitched whine of the alien ship), but see Him and Sandy.

Finally, at the crater’s edge, Alan calls to Him, “Carl, give her to me.” And after a lengthy internal debate, Him gives Sandy to Larry before collapsing. They meet up with Carol at the remains of an old water tower, and Larry heads back to town for some help. Sandy recovers, and Alan tells her, “Together, we can defeat it. If we fight it together, we’ll win.” Sandy passes out, and Alan knows that’s the secret. He restates the premise told to us by the alien narrator, who apparently is happy. “Very well, Earth man. I have some secrets, too,” says the alien dude who announces he will trade Alan and Carol’s lives for Sandy’s.

“I and my kind have no material body of our own. We feed on brains.” And using the James Bond villain technique, again tells us of his plans for worldwide conquest. “But instead of weakening, you’ve grown stronger.” The alien wants to Sandy back to his world, and Alan and Carol realize that love is their strength. They refuse, but head to the crater with the rifle. “We’re not afraid of you.”

The door to the ship opens up, and we seen an eyeball superimposed over a Blaisdell puppet alien. Wait a minute! The creature says they have no body, but we’re watching one right now? “We can defeat it,” Alan says, and they look at it meaningfully, and it falls over dead. Then the ship takes off, somehow its exhaust not burning Alan to death.

Even the writers knew that the puppet thing didn’t jibe with the “we have no bodies” thing since they added some dialogue saying that it must’ve been using that body to pilot the spaceship. Then bizarrely, they postulate that the alien has moved on to another form, and they see a rat. Suddenly, a hawk swoops down and eats the rat.

Larry’s suddenly there (wasn’t he supposed to be heading for town to round up a posse?), and together, he and Sandy walk off as Alan and Carol watch them.

Oh, boy…

Now that’s what I call a bad movie.

Randy Landers (May 2011)

Read more about The Beast with 1,000,000 Eyes! at

Directed by Terry O. Morse

Written by Millard Kaufman

Run Time: 74 minutes

Tagline: Drilling into the forbidding depths of the Earth!

	Dr. Morley (Victor Kilian) The man behind the miracle…but will he survive the ardous trip?
	Wright Thompson (Bruce Kellogg) Big Daddy Deep Pockets comes through with the cash…but only if he can tag along.
	Dr. Joan Lindsey (Marilyn Nash) Joan Lindsey, medical doctor and "ardent feminist" (!) and recent winner of the Annual Award by the Confederation of Women Scientists. And she’s cute, too.

This rather bleak underground "adventure" is based on the fact that an atomic war will destroy the world (duh), so we better find another place to live if it happens (again, duh). The pessimistic Dr. Morley is so convinced that humanity will soon be wiped in a nuclear war (remember that this film was made in 1951), that he establishes The Society to Save Civilization. Unfortunately, the SSC is broke. Sooo….Morely roams the world drumming up funding for his plan to build a "Cyclotram" (read: big drilling machine) so that he and his crew can explore the Earth’s crust for possible shelter where mankind could reestablish itself and begin anew. The starting point? Why, the world’s largest extinct volcano, of course.

Now…what about the cash?

Now that looks like a good plan.

The Cyclotram. Yep. There you have it.

After reaching a series of financial dead ends, Morley’s project seems to be a lost cause until handsome newspaper scion Wright Thompson says that he’ll cough up the dough if he could tag along with the rest of them on the journey. With his back to the wall, what choice does Morley have? None. So Wright joins the rest of the crew: Andy the ex-Marine, Joan the cute biologist, and a few other bland characters that are quickly killed off, so I can’t really remember their names. Paxton and Coleman I think. Who cares.

Wright once again reminds the world that money talks.

After the Cyclotram is built and outfitted for the journey (Joan brings along a few rabbits for study: Plot Point!), Morley and the others are dropped off on a remote island where they drive the lumbering Cyclotram up to the top of the volcano. Thankfully, there is a convenient network of "ledges" that allow them to slowly drive down the inside of the volcano’s cone deeper into the Earth.

Actually I never understood why they bothered to drive all the way up to the top and then back down again…I mean, the Cyclotram is just a big drill anyway, so why not just point the damned thing "down" and start digging from the base of the mountain? Oh, that’s right. They managed to burn up nearly 8 minutes of run time on the drive up.

All hail the Cyclotram!

Thanks to the ship’s handy "Depth in Miles" (!) gauge, we are blessed with several cut-away shots of the gauge’s needle falling lower and lower on the graph. So…how does this thing actually measure their depth? Air pressure? Don’t they realize just how heavy air is? More on this later…

“Max depth 2500 miles below sea level”…how do they test these things?

After reaching position "R-18" (whatever), Dr. Morley declares that they’ll have to park the ship and head out on foot in order to find a passage to follow…but wait a minute? Can’t the thing just drill its way through?! Sure, I guess it would be easier to follow old lava tubes, but…sheesh, should they really be exploring on foot? After poking around some caves (No monsters?! What?!), they come across a plaque placed in the cave wall by the "Engstrand Expedition" noting that this point is the deepest point that anybody has ever reached and wishing anybody who would want to go further "good luck." Wow, that doesn’t sound very encouraging, does it?

The Engstrand Marker…abandon all hope, ye who watch this movie!

And man, they walk and walk and walk…no monsters. Zzzzz.

The incredibly advanced Cyclotram controls…and the only man who can understand them.

After spending the required run time walking around caves, the crew searches a rock wall and finds a point of "least resistance" (whatever that means since everything is rock). Andy blows a hole in the wall which causes millions of tons of magma to pour out and kill everybody. Nope. Just kidding. That would have been too exciting for this movie.

Instead, the explosives open a massive hole in the wall leading to…another cave. Great.

"I wonder what we’ll be running into?" Andy murmurs.

"There’s only one way to find out!" says Soon-To-Be-Dead Paxton as he starts the Cyclotram and starts blindly driving into the gloom! Good grief! Get this guy away from the controls!

Ah, of course. On the other side of the wall are more caves (actually, still pics from Carlsbad Caverns)…and they walk and walk and walk. Egads, this is dull. Not even a single giant spider is around to menace them. C’mon! How much could that have cost? Also, why are they bothering to explore this place…shouldn’t they be drilling, you know, down the whole time? (OK, actually, it’s easy to forget that this movie isn’t a "journey to the center of the Earth" type of deal..but still, they probably should be generally heading downward if they are to find anything new that geologists don’t already know about.)

After drilling down over 100 miles they take a break and discuss how lonely they feel. Boy, this is exciting cinema. This pause in the "action" also allows the writers to indulge themselves with a lot of deep dialog regarding man vs nature, does man define nature, or the other way around, or blah blah blahdiddy blah. For some reason, Coleman gets pissed about something somebody said so decides to head out on foot!!! What?! Paxton tags along since it might be dangerous. (You think!?)

Well…of course it’s dangerous! The cave suddenly fills with poison gas and kills Coleman and Paxton. This time I’m not kidding. And these guys were the scientific cream of the crop?

So, the journey continues, just as the boredom does. At the 250 mile mark, Joan discovers that the ship’s water tanks are empty. After a round of finger pointing, Wright finally admits that he forgot to close the valve after taking a drink earlier in the day. So, yeah, you’d think that turning off the water faucet after taking a drink would be a top priority 250 miles under the surface, but there you have it.

Thankfully, these scientists were smart enough to have plenty of reserve water with them. Oh wait. No they didn’t….so….they set out on foot again (!) to look for water. (I couldn’t help but note that nobody has their gas masks with them this time either…and this is only 10 minutes after 2 of their crew were killed by poison gas.)

Ok, timeout. They’ve reached a point 250 miles below the surface of the Earth and are just walking around. Let’s forget about the fact the temperature rises about 30 degrees centigrade per kilometer!, and think about the air pressure: They are effectively standing around with 250 miles of atmosphere pushing down on them. At sea level we have about 10 miles of "air" above us which equates to, duh, one atmosphere of pressure (about 1 bar). So down there, our friends are strolling around 25 atmospheres of pressure on them and they’re not even breathing hard. Wow.

Hot water-searching excitement!

Hey! They found some water. Yum. That must be tasty stuff down there.

So, yep. After 45 minutes of run time, 2 guys have died of poison gas and the others have drank some water. Pretty exciting movie, eh?

And…..the drilling continues. As the Cyclotram passes the 850 mile (!) mark, Wright finds the time to flirt with Joan; a scene which leads to nowhere since we all know that women scientists are incapable of emotional attachment (especially ones that are "ardent feminists").

After some hot drilling action (no, not between Wright and Joan, you perverts!), the crew finally bores into an underground river. (The word "bores" being quite appropriate at this point.) They park the Cyclotram on the beach and head out to explore. Wright quickly discovers some pearls ("How much are they worth?" he shouts), but is disappointed when Morley explains that they are just "cave pearls". In a nearby pool of water they discover a blind fish, Morley explains that it’s a rare species, but it’s still edible. Uh, you first, Morley.

The magic of the Unknown World

Not satisfied with this underground cavern, Morley and the others push on. Great. More walking. This time Wright falls down a hole and hangs on for dear life from a ledge. What a maroon. Andy hears his screams for help and rushes over to save his fellow crew member. After tossing a rope over the side, Andy scrambles down and helps Wright back up to safety. I was actually surprised when the rope broke causing Andy to fall to his death. But then again, why did Andy have to go down and get Wright? Couldn’t he just have tossed down the rope and let Wright climb up by himself? RIP, Andy…we hardly knew ye.

With Andy gone, Wright takes his place at the controls (how poignant …I think.) and the Cyclotram plunges further into the darkness until they happen upon a gigantic open area illuminated by bioluminescent fungi. (It had to be well lit since this new "world" was filmed in Bryson Canyon in the middle of the day.) To everybody’s amazement, this newly discovered paradise is complete with waterfalls, wind and clouds (!), and even fossils. (Joan cringes and turns away in disgust when she spots a fossilized fish because, you know, she’s a girl.)

The Unknown World…at last!

Although it appears that this cavern could turn out to be Morley’s "Promised Land" since it has everything that humans might need to thrive underground, all hopes are bitterly dashed when Joan’s rabbits are discovered to be sterile. Joan immediately concludes that if the rabbits are sterile, then humans would also necessarily become sterile. (Why would animals become sterile just because they are underground? And then, doesn’t this mean that Joan is now sterile as well?)

Joan and her poor little rabbits

Before Joan can make a closer examination of the rabbits, a nearby volcano erupts (of course) causing a thunderstorm and a flood. Everybody runs back into the Cyclotram to return back to the surface, but Morley refuses to admit defeat and stays behind to die in the deluge. Soo…after some more "thrills", like sinking in an underground ocean to an incredible depth of 2500 miles (!!!), things Turn For the Better and the Cyclotram bobs back to the surface somewhere in the middle of the Pacific ocean. (I couldn’t help but notice they ascended at over a mile per second through the water! Talk about getting a case of the bends!)

This movie has finally hit bottom. Ha ha.

"I feel like I’ll live forever," Wright says with a smile as the film abruptly ends.

Well…I guess I’m outta here then.

Dennis Grisbeck (February 2011)

Read more about Unknown World at

Directed by Kurt Neumann

Run Time: 78 minutes

Tagline: PLANET ROBBER TRAMPLES EARTH…STEALING ENERGY FOR OTHER WORLDS!

Kronos is a little 50’s sci-fi treat that I somehow missed earlier in my misspent life. And since I thoroughly enjoyed it I’m going to feel a little guilty as I make fun of it. So I want you to know that I’m making fun of it with love. The same kind of love that I feel for Hostess cupcakes. A shameful, guilty love, but one I can’t resist. And actually, it’s a good thing I didn’t see it as a kid. For I’d probably have had the same reaction as my friend Doug McKeown, who wrote me:

Last time I saw (Kronos) was, I believe, the 3rd or 4th week of April, 1957. I was several months over ten years old by then…I did not enjoy myself in the darkened Forum Theatre on Main Street. A lot of talk by dull adults. The monster? Just a big metal thing chugging along the horizon (as I recall) and no grotesque alien monsters or giant squids, apes or lizards.(It’s a sign of how seriously Doug takes grotesque alien monsters that he went on to write and direct 1983’s The Deadly Spawn.)

Grave charges indeed, and alas, true. But I would argue for a suspended sentence because Kurt Neumann and his talented crew tried to do something rare – make a low-budget sci-fi film that was relatively plausible and adult. In this they succeeded with a surprisingly good looking production that features Karl Struss’s elegant cinematography and Theobold Holsopple’s handsome production design. And thankfully, it still has plenty of campy charm, 1950’s style. Now it’s time to line up the usual suspects – i.e., have a look at the cast:

	Dr. Leslie Gaskell (Jeff Morrow) Ah Jeff, he of the strong chin, warm yet gravelly voice, and puppy dog eyes. He was certainly no stranger to menaces from outer space, he even played one! His soulful performance as Exeter in 1955’s This Island Earth is a one reason it’s such an enjoyable blast of sci-fi pulp adventure. 1957 was a big year for Jeff; he not only confronted Kronos, he went up against The Giant Claw too! That must have been a traumatic experience, because his IMBD history records no further sci-fi activity until something called Octaman came out in 1971. (I will, of course, now have to track down Octaman.)
	Vera Hunter (Barbara Lawrence) Poor Vera goes through a significant portion of the movie in a bad mood – because her boyfriend Dr. Gaskell is the kind of distracted worrywart who cancels a date when a 4.9 mile wide planetoid starts plunging towards the earth. Scientists, sheesh! Kronos is the only sci-fi work that Barbara Lawrence ever played in, according to the IMBD. And while she doesn’t have Mara Corday’s spirited va-va-voom, or Faith Domergue’s sultry mystique she does a decent job with a thinly written part.
	Dr. Hubbell Eliot (John Emery) Dr. Eliot isn’t himself today, and you’ll find out why in the review. Like Barbara, John is something of an alien presence (ha ha!) in 50’s sci-fi, with Kronos being the only example he was in. He did, however, co-star with Vincent Price and Eva Gabor in 1954’s The Mad Magician.
	Dr. Arnold Culver (George O’Hanlon) Dr. Culver is a single guy, a programmer, a lover of Mexican food – and has a computer for a girlfriend. Thus he is possibly the movie’s most accurate prediction of the future. (Listen carefully to Dr. Culver, and he might sound very familiar. George O’Hanlon’s most enduring legacy is as the voice of George Jetson. A role he reprised in 1990’s Jetsons: The Movie.)
	SUSIE SUSIE is a classic 1950’s mega-computer, and Dr. Culver’s “girlfriend.” I have to admit, she has nice lines.
	Kronos Alien energy-absorbing technology meets the International Style of architecture. Can mankind be saved?
	Dr. Albert Stern (Morris Ankrum) It’s Morris! What 50’s sci-fi movie would be complete without him as the tough, no nonsense general who heads up earth’s brave defense against whatever was attacking it that week. He performed this heroic service in such gems as: Red Planet Mars (1952) – as Secretary of Defense Sparks Invaders from Mars (1953) – as Col. Fielding Earth vs. Flying Saucers (1956) – as Brig. General John Hanley Beginning of the End (1957) – as General John Hanson The Giant Claw (1957) – as Lt. General Edward Considine Kronos let’s Ankrum show off his range. Here he plays a medical, not a military man, and it’s a little disconcerting to see him out of uniform. He’s still tough and no nonsense though!

THE STORY:

We open in outer space when a classic, and quite decent UFO ejects a small ball of bright energy. Down it flies towards the innocent and unsuspecting planet earth, and to a lonely road that winds through the nighttime desert. Here we meet an average American guy minding his own business and whistling to the radio as he drives his average American pickup truck – until the engine mysteriously shuts off. Getting out to have a look under the hood he has an unearthly encounter with that ball of energy, and the next thing we know he’s driving to the off-limits and probably hush-hush LabCentral. Overpowering the guard he makes his way to the office of head scientist Hubbell Eliot. Moments later the guards rush in to make sure the good doctor is OK, only to find the intruder dead. Eliot seems strangely unconcerned and merely orders the guards to take the body away.

Dr. Eliot wants the dead body to stop cluttering up his very cool mid-century modern office. Who can blame him? And note the lamp over his desk. Then look at the image below…..Coincidence???

Unaware of the commotion going on down the hall, Dr. Leslie Gaskell is caught up in an excitement all his own – checking on the co-ordinates of M-47. It’s a new “asteroid” he’s just discovered and has yet to name. Pressed by Dr. Culver we get some scintillatingly risqué banter:

Culver:
She’s a beauty alright. Have you named her yet?
Gaskell:
I don’t think I know her well enough to call her by name. After all, I haven’t even computed her ecliptic yet!

Rim shot! But Gaskell has more than a name to worry about, take a look at M-47!

Cue ominous music.

Just when you start to wonder if Gaskell isn’t the sharpest pencil in the cup he redeems himself by noting that the glowing, metallic looking saucer-shaped “asteroid” has “slightly” changed its course. And indeed we see it do a zig-zag before shooting off the screen. Culver doesn’t notice these extreme maneuvers (!) but Gaskell is so excited he delays his movie date with Vera to make some additional measurements. She’s a scientist too, though not a Ph.D. mind you. Yet waiting along with the guys for the most current results she pouts, “SUSIE gets a lot more affection than I do.” Culver tries to cheer her up by explaining what SUSIE means: Synchro Unifying Sinometric Integrating Equitensor.

Synchro Unifying Sinometric Integrating Equitensor.
(And yes, there WILL be a quiz after the review.)

Eliot, meanwhile, has been doing something mysterious in the “Insulation Chamber” and SUSIE soon goes on the blink. “I can’t figure it out.” an upset Culver exclaims, “The interlace in the diode loop went right out of sync for no reason.” To which Vera purrs, “Seems like your girlfriend is getting temperamental.” (Me-aow!)

Fortunately for the earth, whatever Eliot did in the “Insulation Chamber” wasn’t very effective, and before long Gaskell and Culver are in his office with new readings that show a 4.9 mile wide planetoid will strike within 16 hours. Pressing a strangely apathetic Eliot, they get him to contact the military and we are soon awash in stock footage showing U.S. testing of captured V2 rockets. And here I’d like to tip my hat to the movie, because the V2 stands in for a missile meant to hit an asteroid in the upper atmosphere – and not an interplanetary spaceship. Much more plausible, and it’s these little touches that really count with me.

Plausible, but alas, ineffective. For although the way-before-it’s-time missile defense system manages to hit the target, the “asteroid” stays on course to strike the earth. With an ominous roar it races across the North American sky, only to crash into the ocean off the Mexican coast. Meanwhile Eliot, lurking creepily in the hallway collapses in a faint.

Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, except Gaskell. Picking up on the “asteroid’s” strange behavior he becomes convinced it is controlled by an intelligence. And with Eliot in the hospital he’s free to brow-beat, I mean inspire, his colleagues to travel down to Mexico for a look before the thing under the ocean “makes a move of it’s own.”

Down “Me-hi-ko” way we enjoy the “calm before the storm” with Gaskell, Culver and Vera as they ride around in a helicopter, burn their tongues on home-cooked Mexican food, and prance about the beach in unfortunate shorts. As a bonus we get a “From Here to Eternity” moment near the surf as Vera finally manages to pry Gaskell’s attention away from the extraterrestrial menace lurking off the coast. And wouldn’t you know it, the blasted thing picks just that moment to radiate a huge glowing dome of energy that’s visible from the shore. Poor Vera just can’t get a break.

What the well-dressed scientist of 1957 wears down to a Mexican beach.

Meanwhile, back in a hospital in the good ol’ U.S. of A., Eliot is under the care of Dr. Stern (Morris!) – who is mystified by the case. Eliot babbles about being controlled by some alien intelligence after Stern tries electro-shock therapy, so Stern does the rational thing and has him sedated. – Later Eliot seems to calm down, and he stops spouting paranoid nonsense. That’s a relief. Only once he “calms down” all of his brain readings get really weird. It’s a neat plot twist. When Eliot’s brain waves are normal he babbles on about a fantastic invasion from space. When his brain waves are weirdly off the chart he acts normal. What to make of it? Think Dr. Stern, think!

Back in Mexico it’s the morning after the glowing energy bubble appeared, and as the sun raises everyone notices that a 10-story tall metallic structure has appeared on the beach. Flying out in the helicopter to investigate, our intrepid three land on top and experience weird energy vibrations before the surface under their feet splits apart to reveal the great machine’s unearthly interior. (“Jump Vera!” Gaskell shouts encouragingly.)

Now that the special effects have started in earnest, I’d like to take a moment and credit Kronos writer, special effects meister (he also worked on Rocketship X-M, and The Atomic Submarine), and sometime production designer (Forbidden Planet!) Irving Block. This man of many hats and his five (5!) credited partners obviously worked hard to make the effects look good. Today they look quaint and dated, of course, but they were made in 1957 for little money. Which leads me to the budget. According to my gi-normous Overlook (Sci-Fi) Film Encyclopedia (it’s actually made of paper!) Kronos cost $160,000 to make. I then found something on the Internet called The Inflation Calculator, and discovered that this translates into $1,205,500 as of 2009. (The calculator hasn’t reached 2010 yet.) That’s pretty low-budget for a theatrical release movie. But it got me to thinking I’d like some more context, and I become curious what a really low-budget movie cost back then. So I did some checking and found that according to Wikipedia Plan 9 From Outer Space, which was shot in 1956, cost $60,000. That comes to $468,336 in 2009, by the way. Wow. That’s more than I would have guessed!

Going the other way I looked up the cost of David Lean’s epic The Bridge On The River Kwai, which won the best picture Oscar in 1957. It cost $3 million ($22,603,129 in 2009), and this almost shockingly low figure says a lot about how the economics of movie-making would change, and change soon. Just a couple of years later came Ben-Hur. In 1959 it cost $15 million, which in 2009 would have been $109,171,076. And of course in the actual 2009 we had Avatar, which cost something like $230 million. (If you’re interested, that would have been $30,526,746 in 1957.) It’s interesting to note that Ben-Hur had thousands of live human extras in period costumes and dozens of huge, life-size sets, while Avatar was mostly created on a computer screen.

So anyways, Kronos cost $160,000 in 1957. I hope that’s clear.

Back at the hospital Dr. Stern reviews the outlandish claims made by Eliot during his “lucid” moments. Namely, that a great energy “accumulator has landed on this earth under the direction and control of his incubus. Unless stopped somehow, others will land and suck the earth dry of all electrical and atomic energy resources.” Dr. Stern can’t bring himself to believe this, until…..but we won’t go into that.

He’s not the only one who’s slow on the uptake. Reports of a giant alien robot landing on the Mexican coast have reached the U.S., complete with an artist’s rendition. (This was before satellite uplinks, cell phones, email, and even home video cameras, after all. Another way to think of it is that the people in this movie were closer in time to the dinosaurs than they are to us.) The preposterous image of the “Kronos” amuses the smug, period anchorman.

That’s right,smile, you fool, smile!

Gaskell, however, is ahead of the curve. Even before the 10 story robot appeared he mused, “I never looked at the night sky without an awareness that there’s more out there then we can ever hope to understand. Things we might sense, if we weren’t too stupid to admit their existence.” Gaskell’s willingness to insult the intelligence of the human race is one of his more endearing qualities. At least to me. And I’d like to take another short, geeky detour. Here are some things out in space we had yet to understand by 1957:

Quasars: The first real breakthrough in understanding these
didn’t come till 1962 through the work of Cyril Hazard and
John Bolton.

Cosmic microwave background radiation:
This leftover radiation from the Big Bang was first
observed by Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson in 1964.

Dark Matter: First hypothesized by Fritz Zwicky in 1933, confirmation
didn’t come till 1975 with the work of Vera Rubin and
Kent Ford.

Dark Energy: Proposed by Michael Turner in 1998, to explain
the increasing rate of expansion of the Universe.

Kronos: As of May, 2010, no independent verification. Of course-
that doesn’t prove that it DOESN’T exist.

Back to Gaskell and his gloomy meditations, which prove more and more on the nose as Kronos lumbers off towards the Nevarez Electro power plant. There he, Vera and Culver witness the destruction of the power plant, as well as a squadron of fighter planes from the Mexican air force. Racing back to the States they find Dr. Eliot back at work in the neat looking Insulation Chamber. Gaskell is horrified to learn that Eliot has approved a U.S. plan to drop an atomic bomb on the Kronos. “I am convinced the giant sucks up energy like a sponge. Feeds on it. Is a walking storehouse of energy.” He explains. “And you propose to feed it the most concentrated dose of pure energy that man has ever been able to devise!” But Eliot is unmoved, and we cut to a sleek, silver B-47 bomber taking off from a desert air force base. Loaded with an atomic bomb it flies towards the Kronos in a desperate bid to prevent it from entering the United States. At the same time Vera searches for Gaskell with some important news from the hospital – only to run into Eliot instead.

And here I’ll end the review, as I hope you’ll check Kronos out sometime, and I don’t want to give away all the sensational thrills to come.

“YOU’LL HAVE TO BE SHOCK PROOF – TO WITHSTAND THE EMOTIONAL ASSAULT…OF SCIENCE FICTION’S BIGGEST THRILL SENSATION!”

Sean Ledden (May 2010)

Read more about Kronos at

Directed by Dan Milner

Written by Richard Bernstein

Run Time: 73 minutes

Tagline: Frightmare! Born of Jungle Witchcraft! Created by a Curse!

	Dr. William Arnold (Tod Andrews) Mandatory Good Guy, Will refuses to let anything come in between him and the object of his desire: Dr. Terry Mason. Even an Earth shattering scientific find like a walking, sentinent tree is in danger of being tossed in the local pool of quick sand so he can get back to wooing his love interest. Dedicated scientist indeed.
	Dr. Terry Mason (Tina Carver) Jungle skin disorder expert, and designated cutey, Terry is determined to revive the “Tabanga” using her patented “Formula 447″…even though it’s only been tested on parrots and monkeys. Can you guess what happens?…
	Mae Kilgore (Linda Watkins) Loathsome cougar (kids…ask your dad), and wearisome Comedy Relief, Ms. Kilgore runs the local trading post and cracks lame ‘randy’ jokes to break the film’s non-existent tension. (One has to wonder at the prudence of setting up shop on a plague-ridden, Tabanga-infested South Pacific island populated by hostile natives, but there you have it…)
	Prof. Clark (John McNamara) An expert in “trees and plants”, Clark plays the required sober ‘third wheel’ for Will and Terry’s tepid relationship. Oh, he’s also some sort of scientist that does and says things when the script requires it.
	Tabanga Yes, the demonic resurrected spirit of “treacherously murdered” Kimo: A walking tree. Are you scared yet? (But oh, man, would I love to find this monster-suit on eBay!)
	Chief Maranka (Baynes Barron) Scheming, power-hungry Maranka masterminds the trecherous murder of Kimo in order to possess his wife, Korey. Unfortunately, Maranka must not have paid attention in Local Legend School since he decides to bury Kimo in a tree trunk, thus paving the way for Tabanga’s return! Doh!
	Witch Doctor Tano (Robert Swan) Pity poor witch doctor Tano; his “medicine” is never strong enough to counter the White man’s “devil dust”. Everybody keeps dying and even the Tabanga gets away from him: Now that has to suck when you can’t even outwit a tree!

From Hell it Came is one of the many cheapo sci-fi films that polluted the theaters during the 1950′s; although this one is much more than a run-of-the-mill crappy movie. Produced by the wizards at Allied Artists, a notorious Poverty Row studio, one can only imagine what kind of return they’d hoped to garner from this ridiculous movie. Then again, given that the cost to make it must have been close to zero, I suppose nearly any box office return would have been a positive investment. Let’s put it this way, From Hell it Came makes any Bert I. Gordon flick look absolutely lavish in comparison.

Open with Polynesian music playing over a hand drawn picture of a jungle-ish island scene. The pleasant music actually makes the opening scene the best part of the movie. Well, the best part except for the part where the words "The End" appear.

So, yeah, I guess if you look at that way, everything between the opening credits and the words "The End" pretty much sucks.

Ahhh, yes, an opening scroll provides the back story. Cheap and gets the job done with minimal effort. Let’s take a look:

In Haiti, a corpse walks, as a Zombi!

In primitive India, the dead return as animals!

[Wow! They! Sure! Loved! To! Use! Exclamation! Marks!]

On certain Pacific Atolls, a warrior treacherously murdered, may turn into a tree! [WHAT?!!]

Or so it is said by the Shamans…

Ok, we’ll just take the word of the "Shamans" but really, murdered warriors come back as…trees? Man, that has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve heard. But hey, without movies like this there wouldn’t be the Monster Shack, now would there?

Oh crap, more back story…

Our story occurs on a savage island where a Prince is killed unjustly.

Oh hell, read it for yourself…

So. Ok. The legend states that if a "treacherously killed" warrior (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean) is buried in a tree trunk his soul will return in the form of a living tree. Yeah. Sure it will.

It might just be me, but isn’t it obvious then that if you "treacherously" kill somebody…don’t freakin’ bury him in a tree trunk!!!

Anyway….

Cut to the "savage" island where a group of islanders sit around watching Tano, the village Witch Doctor, stab a voodoo doll with a knife. (A Voodoo doll?! Aren’t those from Haiti?)

The new village Chief, Maranka, accuses Prince Kimo of the "great sin" of joining sides with the local American scientists and using their "bad medicine" on the villagers to curse them with a "Black Plague"; the most recent victim of which was Kimo’s father, the previous village chief. These accusations are of course BS, but somebody has to be "treacherously killed" or we wouldn’t have a movie, would we? Even Kimo’s wife, Korey, goes along with the ruse since she now has the hots for Maranka. (I don’t get this: If she wanted to be married to the man in power, why betray Kimo? Being the prince, wouldn’t he be next in line for the throne anyway?)

Kimo, staked out on the ground with a bunch of chickens scratching around his head (!), swears his vengeance before being dispatched with a ceremonial dagger. (Kimo’s execution takes place off screen probably to spare the teen-age audience anything too "icky".) In a strange little touch, the executioner uses a dagger with a goofy plastic skull attached to the hilt. I guess it’s a "native" thing. With the job done, the natives engage in a listless Hawaiian dance number. (Nothing like eating up run time with a boring dance number….beer break. Back in a minute.)

Little do the villagers realize that the Ms. Kilgore, the middle-aged owner of the local trading post, has witnessed Kimo’s brutal betrayal and rushes off to tell the other Americans…

Meanwhile, back at camp, our 2 male leads, Dr. Will Arnold and Professor Clark, jump into high-expository gear and spew line after line of bland back story as the hapless viewer tries to take it all in.

Basically, it runs like this:

"Hey, it’s a good thing we’re here to help the natives."

"Yeah, especially after the radioactive fallout. They sure do need our help."

"Yeah, it’s too bad that freak typhoon carried the fallout all the way over here to this remote, savage island."

"Yep, it sure is."

"Yeah, boy, the natives sure are surly lately."

"Yeah, I guess we better be careful."

"Yup, we sure better."

"Yessirree."

Yes, radiation reveals yet again one of its baffling and hitherto unknown characteristics: It can transform dead people into a demonic trees. Boy, radiation sure is mysterious.

After this exciting exchange, Will starts whining to Clark that the woman he loves, Dr. Terry Mason, is too dedicated to her work to have any time for him, i.e., she refuses to give up her career, marry him, and move back to the States to be a housewife. Sheesh, women, huh?

"She considers marriage as a type of prison," Will laments.

"What do you expect from a pretty girl a few years out of med school…she wants excitement and adventure," says Clark.

"Sometimes I think I could just…kick her beautiful teeth in," says Will as he gives us an intimate glimpse of his romantic side. (Boy, I just can’t see how Terry couldn’t be attracted to this guy.)

Anyway, Kilgore manages to struggle through the movie set, er, jungle, and reaches the camp perimeter before letting out a ear-splitting scream and fainting to the ground. (Hey, it was the 50′s…what did you expect a woman to do?)

Cut back to the native village where some sullen tribe members carry Kimo’s body (now ensconced in a tree trunk…why bother?!) to an open grave and plop him into the ground.

And again, folks, if there’s a legend that involves the revenge of betrayed people if their body is buried in a tree trunk, then why do it???!!!

And…..cut back to the camp where Kilgore, in an amazingly irritating Cockney accident, spouts about the recent murder of Kimo.

"It was ‘orrible! Simply ‘orrible!" (Yes, lady, your accent truly is ‘orrible!)

In order to calm Kilgore down, Professor Clark gives her a stiff shot of booze which she immediately gulps down before saying "Don’t be stingy at a time like this!" Quickly snatching the bottle from Clark’s hand, Kilgore refills her glass and continues drinking. (By now your Odious Comedy Relief Sensors should be off the chart…this is going to be a long haul…)

The next day, Dr. Terry Mason, arrives on the island via Stock Footage Airlines.

Realizing that his dream girl has coincidently be sent to the island (what are the odds…what are the odds?), Will eagerly volunteers to hop into the jeep and pick her up. On the way to the heli-pad, Will drives directly by Kimo’s grave, which means the main road must go straight through the natives cemetery. (No wonder the locals are so pissed!) The camera helpfully zooms to Kimo’s grave where a a spooooooooky skull atop a stick has been plunged into the ground. (So whose skulls are they using to mark the graves?) A close up at the dirt (yeah, it’s as exciting as it sounds) reveals that it’s starting to heave and crack as something buried in the ground begins to push out…mwu ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

In some boring back-story scenes, Terry explains that she doesn’t mind being assigned to the island even though there’s a plague going around. Will explains that the real danger isn’t the plague, it’s the latest change in the native’s disposition, as confirmed by a quick cutaway to a group of 4 extras dressed in Polynesian garb trying to act surly. (So were they just standing 10 feet away from them the whole time?)

Back at camp, or the trading post, or whatever, (how much trade can you expect on an atomic wasteland island?), Terry meets Mae Kilgore, and banal dialog ensues. (God…what a talky film!)

As luck would have it, one of the local (and beautiful) half-Dutch native women, Orchid, is to be Terry’s lady-in-waiting. To facilitate the plot, it turns out that Orchid is an exile so "she’s not subject to tribal law." I’m sure the reason for so many damned characters will become apparent later in the film. [Note from the Future: It won't.]

Later that night we witness a secret rendezvous between Kimo’s ex-wife, Korey and her lover, Chief Maranka.

"Ever since [Kimo] died," she complains, "the fire of your love has grown cold."

"I’d never have a traitor like you for my wife," Maranka shoots back. Wow. I guess the honeymoon is over.

Yadda yadda yadda, Korey knows that Tano has been sleeping around with another native girl, Naomi. And, hey, right on cue, Naomi shows up with a bowl of fresh poison berries for Tano’s "Poison Darts For The Americans" project. Korey, furious at being snubbed for a younger, hotter chick, stalks off to plot her revenge.

Meanwhile, Will has his hands full trying to convince Terry to marry him. Unfortunately for Will, Terry is an unusually strong-willed woman (I’ve run into a few of those in my time too…), so she really doesn’t want to be tied down to a humdrum life in the civilized world "being cooped up in a stuffy apartment…having my ears blasted by rock-and-roll."

"Rock and Roll? Wait to you hear the natives’ drums…they’ll really rock you."

Will, you are one smoooooooth talker, bro.

Getting frustrated, Will blurts out, "Terry, will you stop being a doctor first and a woman second? Let your emotions rule you, not your intellect."

As this stimulating conversation winds down, Terry just happens to look over and spot Kimo’s grave-skull-stick-thingee topple over.

"Is that the natives’ cemetery?" Terry asks. (No, babe, it’s Arlington National. Good grief, what the hell do you think? And if you remember from earlier in the film when Will drove out to pick up Terry, Kimo’s grave was right next to a road. Now it’s sequestered in a tree-filled grove in the middle of nowhere.)

Puzzled by this strange growth protruding from Kimo’s grave, Terry and Will decide to have Prof. Clark take a look since he’s an expert on "jungle trees and plants." (Wow…trees and plants?!)

Later, after examining some drawings of the outgrowth, Clark decides that it’s probably just a "malformed bush". (Yep, he’s an expert!)

In walks a local native couple that the Americans have been treating for radiation burns, Norgu and his wife, Dori. (The poor guy playing Norgu looks like he’s being forced to wear a pair of shorts wedged way up high…) Norgu (complete with a farmer’s tan!) happens to glance at the drawings and quickly identifies it as the "Tabanga". With the scene petering out, in comes Orchid and informs everybody that the strange growth has gotten larger and even has a ceremonial dagger sticking out of it! (Yowsa!)…so off to the cemetery we go.

Upon reaching Kimo’s grave, Terry whips out her stethoscope and takes a listen. "It’s a human heartbeat," she concludes. (Huh? It’s a what heartbeat?!)

Despite Norgu’s pleadings to throw the damned thing into "the quicksand at the edge of the forest" (Plot Point!), the wise scientists opt instead to just leave it in the ground and radio Washington for instructions. With a neck-breaking jump cut the instructions are returned: Dig it up and study it.

"Well, that’s that!" Terry glibly remarks, "Now the only thing to do is to go out, dig up the monster, and bring it back to the lab!"

(Uh, doesn’t anybody in these movies ever watch crappy monster movies? Don’t you know what happens when you bring things "back to the lab"?!)

Will, a man truly devoted to science and discovery, says "I say we throw it in the quicksand and forget about it." (!)

Meanwhile, back in the village, Chief Maranka plans to enslave the Tabanga for himself via a special poison so that it will "kill when I tell it to!" (Yes! Aim high, brother, aim high!)The first on the hit list is Norgu, because he likes hanging out with the white folks and trusts their "medicine" more than his. Oh, and Maranka also wants to murder Korey because, well, I guess there just aren’t enough subplots in this movie yet.

But wait, Korey JUST HAPPENS to overhear the conversation and runs off to tell the Americans about the plot against them.

After Korey spills her guts about Tano’s plans to take control of the Tabanga and use it as a murder machine, Will and the others agree to take her under their protective American wing. With no time to lose, the Americans rush off to the cemetery to procure the Tabanga before Tano can get his hands on it. Naturally, any footage showing the actual removal and transport of the Tabanga would have been too costly (and too hilarious), so we simply cut to the lab with the Tabanga already laid out on a gurney.

"It reminds me of a chemistry project I once had at middle school," Terry muses as she listens to its heartbeat. (What the hell kind of school did you go to?!)

(And I wish the camera would stop focusing on the pulsating "heart" because it really is reminding me of something else that I’m not going to go into right now.)

"It’s dying! The pulse is getting weaker," Terry says, "Probably a clot in the aorta." (Sure it is.)

"Can’t we try to stimulate the adrenal glands with an electro resistor?"

"He much energy do you need?" Clark asks.

"I’ve read of experiments where they used seven hundred and fifty amps at one thousand volts," Terry responds.

When Clark and Will realize that the camp’s generators can’t produce that kind of juice, they decide to call it quits. But, oh, not Terry! She rushes to the fridge and whips out, Tada! "Formula 447".

"I’ve used this on monkeys and parrots before," Terry reassures the others. (So, yeah: parrot, monkey, Tabanga, it’s all the same.)

Before anybody can call "Bullshit!", Terry whips out some Formula 447 and administers it to the Tabanga via an IV drip!

After standing around staring at the monster and noting no changes in its condition, the Americans begin to lose hope. Terry, however, points out that the last time she used the formula on a living creature it took around 8 hours before effects were seen. (Well, at least when the formula was administered to parrots, so what the hell? It will probably take just as long on a Tabanga, right?)

With nothing to do but wait, Terry and the others wisely set up a guard rotation, put on a pot of coffee, and dig in for a long night of careful observation.

Uh, actually, no. That’s not what they do. Even though that’s what everybody else on this planet would have done.

No, in this stupid movie everybody makes a deal to meet back at the lab at 6 a.m. and heads off to bed.

Sure enough, the next morning, everybody returns to find the lab in shambles and the Tabanga nowhere to be seen. (The Tabanga’s resurrection and rampage is, naturally, not shown; most likely due to budget constraint.)

"The reaction never took less than eight hours," Terry mumbles in confusion. Well, Terry, the Tabanga isn’t a parrot!!!

Clark wisely suggests that the natives broke into the lab, stole the Tabanga, and smashed their equipment like "angry children."

"I know this sounds crazy," Will says, "but maybe the Tabanga is real…"

Gee, what tipped you off, doc? The fact that it has a pulse and bleeds?

Anyway, they also discover that the radio room is ransacked so they are, <sigh>, "cut off from the outside world." (Ooooooooooof course you are, of course you are.)

Later that day Korey spies Naomi swimming in The Local Lagoon. (Or is it Naomi spotting Corey?! I can’t tell them apart!!!) A really, really poorly choreographed cat fight ensues and Naomi (I think) bonks Korey (I think) on the head just hard enough so that she faints and the other can run away.

Hey kids! Look who shows up! Tabanga!

The Tabanga tosses Korey into Ye Ould’ Local Quicksand. Obviously, the poor guy in the rubber Tabanga suit had limited vision, not to mention that the suit’s arms barely bend, so he was forced to drop her on cue about 2 inches from dry land. Thus to make the scene "realistic", the actress had to actually swim away from shore so she could drown in the mire.

Sooooo….Naomi, scared out of her wits, runs back to camp and tells Tano that she’s just seen the monster.

"Well, how did you know it was the Tabanga?"

Really, Tano, do we have to answer that?

Anyway, Tano and Naomi rush off to the cemetery in order to find out if what Naomi saw really was Kimo resurrected in the form of a Tabanga, or if it was just some other random ambulatory demonic tree. Upon arrival, Tano, smart as a whip, quickly notes that Kimo’s grave is empty, and is forced to admit that his ex-rival is now a Tabanga.

"It will kill us all!" Naomi whines.

"Not if we kill it first," says Tano. (I guess that’s why Tano is the village wise man.)

Realizing that it was the Americans who dug the Tabanga out of the ground, Tano gives a sinister smirk and adds, "After the Tabanga dies, the Americans die!"

Naomi then leads Tano out of the cemetery and back to the forest where she recently fought with Korey and saw the Tabanga.

When Korey’s body is nowhere to be find, Tano concludes that "Tabanga must have thrown Korey in the quicksand…We must find the Tabanga!" (Wow. This guy is good!)

Meanwhile, back in the village, Chief Maranka is standing around sharpening his spear. (You know what I mean!) Being the village chieftain and presumably top warrior, Maranka still fails to notice a living tree "sneaking" up behind him. When he finally does spot the Tabanga, Maranka takes careful aim with his spear and tosses it clear over the monster’s head…from 3 freakin’ feet away! Good grief. Whatever. As you can imagine, instead of, oh, I don’t know, running away!, Maranka allows himself to be cornered and killed by a monster that moves at 1 yard per hour.

When Naomi and Tano return from the quicksand pit, the nervous villagers confront their wise witch doctor: "Maranka is killed by the Tabanga. Tano, why did you not kill the Tabanga with medicine?" After a rousing speech, consisting solely of "Come! We must kill the Tabanga!", Tano and the villagers rush off to build a trap.

Back at the American’s camp, a breathless Orchid warns the Americans that the Tabanga is alive and busily stomping around killing people.

"Oh no, I just wanted it to live…not to destroy," Terry laments when she realizes that the Tabanga’s resurrection is pretty much her fault.

"Don’t blame yourself, Terry," Will consoles her, "The radiation dormant in the monster must have set off a chain reaction."

Uh, yeah. Sure it did.

Anyway, Orchid tells them that the villagers are pretty pissed off about the whole Tabanga business, so they’d better keep their distance while looking for the monster.

Back at the village, the trap is set and Tano bravely uses himself for bait.

As can be seen from the screen shot above, Tano’s awesome plan is to stand in the middle of an open field until the Tabanga shows up, and believe me, this makes for some exciting cinema. Man, they should warn people about scenes like this in case somebody has a heart condition or something. Sooooo…the Tabanga eventually shows up and shambles after Tano who deftly sidesteps the lumbering monster. Caught completely off guard by Tano’s amazing footwork, the Tabanga falls into the pit at which time the excited villagers emerge from their hiding places and toss in a bunch of torches. With a few token cheers of joy, the natives presume the Tabanga is now burnt to a crisp and go back home.

Oh. And obviously, nobody bothers to stay behind and actually MAKE SURE the Tabanga is truly dead, because hey, how could it EVER survive that?

Hey! What the hell?! After the villagers leave…the Tabanga pulls itself up from the pit and, I’m totally serious, it’s STILL ALIVE!

WOW!!!!!! I thought for sure the movie was over. Now that was clever writing right there, buddy, lemme tell ya.

Like I said, since none of the natives actually, you know, bothered to ensure that the Tabanga was really dead, the monster crawls out of the pit and "flees" into the forest. (Just how the Tabanga managed to clamber out of the hole is not shown since the rubber suit can’t even bend at the waist.) Anyway, a few minutes later some local yokels are totally surprised to see the Tabanga strolling along a forest path. With a few shouts of horror (laughter?), the natives turn tail and rush back to the Americans to beg for help. The Americans, maybe feeling somewhat responsible, agree to assist in dispatching the Tabanga once and for all.

After grabbing their weapons, the Americans are rushing out the door, when in bursts Ms. Kilgore who breathlessly explains that she’s been so scared lately she hasn’t dared to leave her house, blah, blah, blah. "You girls stay here," Clark insists. (Well, it was the 50′s after all. Killing Tabangas was no job for a woman.)

"I’m not staying ‘ere alone! What if that ‘orrible thing comes back?" protests Kilgore in the WORST ACCENT EVER.

"She’s right," Terry agrees, "locked doors mean nothing to that monster." How she knows that is unclear since the Tabanga has never been locked in anywhere. (On second thought, maybe she’s referring to the fact that it broke out of the lab after receiving that fateful dose of X47. Who knows. Still, it’s a pretty bold statement to make.)

Anyhoo, since the girls have to come along so that one of them can be captured by the Tabanga (Oops. Sorry.), Eddie, the local Army attaché , procures an extra pair of weapons for the women. (Just how many guns did these guys think they would need to study skin diseases? This place is a freakin’ armory!)

Well, it looks like Tano’s time is up. In a wild jump cut, we see the doomed witch doctor tripping over a log and screaming as the Tabanga slooooooowly bends over and reaches a rubbery arm towards the ground. Obviously, since the rubber suit was too stiff to actually bend all the way over (and how could a tree bend at all?!), the camera cuts away as a scream is foleyed onto the soundtrack. We next see the monster tossing Tano’s body into a crevice where we notice that he’s been impaled by a branch or something. Oh…the irony.

Sooooo….5 minutes to go, so hang in there folks.

Cut to Will, Clark, Eddie, and the 2 "girls" tramping through the jungle. With Ms. Kilgore yapping away the whole time, nobody notices that Terry, last in line, has stopped to take a pebble out of her shoe. (Somebody, please, please, toss her to the Tabanga and I will forgive the rest of the film of all its faults…) As you probably have guessed, Terry looks up after putting her shoe back on and notices that she is completely alone. (Yeah, after 10 seconds…everybody else is just gone. Not a sign of anybody. Uh-huh.) What Terry doesn’t seem to notice is a 10 foot-tall living tree with a skull-tipped knife sticking out of it standing 2 feet to her left. (I’m assuming that Tabangas are not known for their stealth, so just how in the hell that snuck up on her is beyond me.)

After a couple of seconds of "suspense", Terry looks up and finally notices the Tabanga standing right beside her. Understandably upset, she proceeds to let out a couple of unappealing screams…very hoarse and low pitched. Ugly screams. Definitely not the type of scream that would make me want to fight off Tabangas just to save her. (Now, the cute chick from King Dinosaur had a nice scream.) Anyway, to facilitate things for the ungainly Tabanga, Terry faints directly into its arms so that it doesn’t have to actually reach over and pick her up.

The others meanwhile, still stomping along without even bothering to do a head count to make sure everybody is still there, hear Terry’s shrieks and dart off to the quicksand pit.

"It’s Terry!" Will astutely notes upon spotting the Tabanga carrying, well, Terry.

Will, using his Hero’s Amazing Powers of Deduction, concludes that shooting the knife further into the Tabanga may do the trick.

"Fire for that knife! If we hit it, we might drive it through the monster’s heart!" Will orders.(Thanks to Sean for reminding me that, yes, the Tabanga is still holding Terry in its arms as they open fire.)

I assume by now you know what’s going to happen so I’ll be brief. The Tabanga, after being bombarded with bullets, tosses Terry to the ground and turns to give the Americans a perfect target. After yet another barrage of bullets, and yes, watching people shoot a tree is as exciting as it sounds, Will hits the mark. (Naturally he does, since he’s the hero and all.)

Anyway, Will’s amazing marksmanship drives the knife through the monster’s heart and, acting as some sort of on/off button, the monster instantly dies and topples backwards into the quicksand.

One of the, <cough>, natives turns to Clark and admits, "We know now that American magic is better. [Well...duh!] Maybe we need new medicine maker to replace Tanto [sic!]…Will you be our witch doctor?"

"Isn’t that thrilling?" Kilgore coos as she cuddles up to Clark. (Ack.)

"By the way professor," says Kilgore as she longingly stares at Will and Terry smooching at the edge of the quicksand pool, "are you married?"

Oh dear, oh dear.

Fade to black,

The End.

Dennis Grisbeck (April 2010)

Read more about From Hell It Came at

Directed by Gene Fowler Jr.

Written by Herman Cohen and Aben Kandel

Tagline: "The most amazing motion picture of our time!"

Run Time: 76 min

Other titles: "Blood of the Werewolf "

Before I watch a movie, I feel it is very important to do a little background research first. It is far too easy to take an old "B-movie", watch it, and say "Man! That movie was stupid!" If a viewer knew a little bit more about the ‘zeitgeist’ when the film was made, a deeper understanding and possibly appreciation can be engendered. Ok, yes, a movie can still be bad and corny, no matter how much you peek into its past, but at least it can be seen in the context of its creation and release.

This extra research is especially important when seeing films from the 1950′s and 1960′s. Needless to say, the mindset of the public, and the way of life were very different. (Don’t ask me: I wasn’t alive then! I’ll just take my parent’s words for it.) Interests, past times, technology, dreams, desires, everything centered around a different set of life style and values than they do today. These differences are obviously reflected in the films of those times.

One important difference was the immense leaps in space technology that we have made since these films were first made. It is easy to laugh at the ridiculous concepts proposed in "space" films of that era (for example, the ability to walk around on the surface of Mars with just nose plugs), but the viewer must remember that most of these films were made years before the first man walked on the moon! People just didn’t know what it was really like out there, so the filmmakers took liberties in their films in order to make the film "work" and advance the plot: Liberties that if taken today would make the a laughingstock!

Another important trend that took place just after World War 2, was the baby-boom. Millions of soldiers returned to civilian life, and unsurprisingly, immediately started families. These "baby-boomers" grew up in an era of unparalleled economic prosperity. Never before had the "average" working class family such a large amount of disposable income. This extra money trickled down to the teenagers, who could suddenly afford cars, motorcycles, and, something the filmmakers did not fail to notice: the teenagers had a pile of money to spend at the movies!

In order to lure the teenagers to the movies, the film makers created "teen" movies, specifically targeted at the teenagers, dealing with "teen" issues: Isolation, alienation, and of course: rebellion. Teenage rebellion was introduced to the public for the first time in the 1950′s with motorcycles, rock-n-roll parties, leather jackets and so on. In addition, the movies also began to star teenagers (or at least actors that looked young enough to pass as teenagers). These famous icons included James Dean in "Rebel Without A Cause" (1955), Marlon Brando in "The Wild One" (1953), and of course Elvis Presley, gyrating his hips to the horror of all the parent’s, in "Jailhouse Rock" (1957) and "King Creole" (1958).

Our feature presentation, "I Was a Teenage Werewolf" was the first of the "teenage monster" movies. Preceding all the others, it was a huge success: Shot in only 7 days and costing $82,000, it raked in over $2,000,000 in the first 2 weeks! The writer and director of the movie, Herman Cohen, capitalizing on the anger, alienation, and rebellion that teenagers felt at the time, had hit the jackpot.

Michael Landon, in his first starring role, plays the teenage werewolf, Tony Rivers (although he was 21 at the time). After starring in this smash hit, Landon went on to star in a western called "The Legend of Tom Dooley" (1959). He was approached later that year to star in a TV pilot called "Restless Gun", which changed its name to "Bonanza" when it was picked up by the networks in 1959. After 14 years of playing "Little Joe" Cartwright on Bonanza, Michael Landon had become a household name. (Landon was terribly embarrassed about his role in this film, and it wasn’t until much later that he could look fondly back on it with a bit of humor.)

Riding on the success of "I Was a Teenage Werewolf", the monster movie makers begin to crank out other "teenage" monster movies. Often of dubious quality, these films would almost always feature the word "Teenage" in the title, in order to lure their target audience to the theaters. Such titles include (among others):

This particular movie is not your normal werewolf movie. There is no full moon to trigger a transformation, rather the werewolf is brought out by hypnosis and an experimental serum. There are also no silver bullets, since he is gunned down by normal pistols at the end of the film. Actually, the monster in this movie reminds me more of the caveman in the 1980 William Hurt film "Altered States", another film where a mental regression to our "primitive beginnings" actually brings about a physical transformation! However, the title "I Was A Teenage Werewolf" certainly had a ‘bite’ to it, and the rest is history.

So yes, this movie is corny (a werewolf walking around in a high-school jacket!), and the, er, science proposed to us is dubious at best (man has descended from werewolves?!) , but this film paved the way for all the other corny, teenage-exploitation monster movies that followed: Films that have given "bad movie" lovers so much joy over the years.

Enjoy the show!

The Cast:

	Tony Rivers (Michael Landon) The alienated, hot tempered youth. Quick to throw dairy products when irritated, Tony is manipulated and exploited by Dr. Brandon leading to a tragic end.
	Det. Sgt. Donovan (Barney Phillips) The good-hearted detective that tries to save Tony from himself. Patient and kind, he unknowingly refers Tony to the sinister Dr. Brandon in order to get psychological help. Ironically, he is the man who has to kill the werewolf in the end.
	Arlene Logan (Yvonne Lime) Tony’s caring and naive girlfriend ("Wow! This party is really percolating!"). At the time of the film’s making, Yvonne was the real-life girlfriend of an up-and-coming entertainer named Elvis Presley. Elvis would often come to the sets to visit her.
	Dr. Brandon (Whit Bissell) Aircraft plant psychologist and mad scientist. Realizing that man is on a course to self-destruction, he decides to regress the human race back to its primordial roots: Werewolves! Long on ambition, but a little short on logic, he creates the werewolf and seals his doom in the process.
	Pepe (Vladimir Sokoloff) The friendly police station janitor from the Carpathian Mountains. An expert on werewolves since he is from the, er, "Old Country", Pepe uses his esteemed position as janitor in order to see police files whenever he wants to.

The film opens with a scene at "Rockdale High School". The day is sunny, and we hear kids screaming and shouting. The camera pans over to a group of kids standing in a circle watching 2 boys have a fist fight. One of the boys is of course Tony Rivers (Michael Landon), and Tony is getting his butt kicked. The kids punch and throw each other around a bit (contrast this fighting to the way people settle disputes today: pulling guns) and the other kids root for their perspective favorites ("Go Jimmy!", "Give it to ‘em, Tony!", etc.) A police siren grows louder and louder and the kids disperse as a police car arrives on the scene to break up the fight. Two cops get out of the car (One of them, Detective Donovan, is in a 3-piece suit! Those were the days!) and try to get to the bottom of the argument.

It turns out that Tony is the one that wanted to fight, even though Jimmy is much bigger than him and even apologized over what really was an innocent mistake (Jimmy slapped Tony on the back, or something. Tony freaked out and wanted to fight). Donovan has had run-ins with Tony before and realizes that he’s quite the hot-head. Donovan, being the cool cop that he is, isn’t going to make a big deal about the scuffle in his "report", but nonetheless, the school principal will have to hear about it. Furthermore, he wants the boys to shake hands because it will "look better in the report" (??). Tony and Jimmy shake hands and Jimmy walks off.

Donovan has a few words with Tony before he leaves. He points out that Tony is too much of a hot-head, and too suspicious of other people. (See Classic Lines) Donovan also points out that he’s had to break up fights involving Tony 3 times in the last month alone, and even mentions a horrible act of violence in a super-market that Tony was involved with. (See Classic Lines again) Donovan, turning into the good-cop now, tells Tony that he needs to seek help or he’s going to end up in serious trouble. (Like what? Turn into a werewolf, for example?) Tony seems open to the offer and Donovan tells him about a "prominent doctor", Doctor Brandon, "a consulting psychologist out at the aircraft plant" (!?). If those credentials don’t convince you to seek his help, then I don’t know what would! It turns out that Brandon does a lot of work with troubled teens, and just might be able to help Tony overcome his hot temper. It turns out that Brandon is a "modern" doctor and uses hypnosis to help the kids adjust. Tony balks at the idea of seeing a shrink, despite Donovan’s efforts to convince him otherwise. Well, being the rebellious teenager, Tony stalks off while Donovan warns him that next time the police get involved…he’s in big trouble!

Tony’s girlfriend Arlene is waiting for him in the bleachers. She asks if he’s OK, to which he starts shouting at her to mind her own business. Tony quickly apologizes and blames it on his temper (Dude, get some help already). He explains to Arlene that Donovan wants him to go to a psychologist and he aint having none of it! Arlene bats her eyes a bit and sticks her chest out a little and Tony changes his mind. He grudgingly agrees to give Dr. Brandon a try, but only if he can do it "his way." Mmmmkay.

Back at home, Tony’s dad says that the principal has called and said that Tony has been in another fight. He exposits that Tony’s behavior has gotten worse and worse since his mother died, and he is just cruising for big trouble some day. He further tries to explain to his son that he just has to try and get along with other people, telling a story about himself as an example. You see, he works in a factory with a jerk for a boss and "..everytime I put a motor together he beefed!" (Um..I don’t want to know how somebody ‘beefs’, thank you very much.) He sums up this strange analogy by saying "Tony, sometimes you just have to do it the other fella’s way." Well, as any rebellious 1950′s teenager knew, that just aint going to happen! Well, daddy has to get back to the factory before the boss starts ‘beefing’ again. He tells Tony that there’s some lamb chops in the fridge he can eat and to "not eat them raw like you did the hamburger last night." (!) When his dad leaves, Tony takes out a bottle of milk and smashes it against the wall! (Is this what you call a ‘dairy intolerance’? Sorry couldn’t resist. By the way, do you remember glass bottles of milk?! You do? You’re getting old….)

Later that night, Tony arrives at Arlene’s house to pick her up for a date. He doesn’t bother going to the door, but rather honks the horn a few times from the curb. Arlene’s ‘square’ parents don’t particularly like Tony, and wish that she would date somebody different, but Arlene sticks up for Tony, explaining that she ‘…just likes him…likes him a lot’. Well, Arlene’s father wants to have a word or two with Tony before he allows her to go out on this date. Arlene hesitates, but her mother reassures her by saying, "Go ahead…we won’t bite him." (This movie has a lot of corny little one-liners like that. Kind of funny actually.)

Arelene’s dad begins to chew Tony out (ha ha! Get it? ‘Chew out’! Nevermind…) for not coming to the door to pick up his daughter. Well, Tony explains that he never feels welcome when he does make the effort to come in and pick up Arlene. ("I feel like you’re going to swat me with a baseball bat.." says Tony to Arlene’s father. Well, I guess I would honk from the curb too…) Arlene’s mom tries to calm things down by saying that it’s probably just Tony’s imagination. Her father snidely adds, "Yeah, it must be…unless you fell guilty about something!" (Piss off, old man! Sheesh!)

They then start harping on Tony about getting a respectable job, even noting that a person has to "…bow to authority." Running late, Arlene notes that it’s Halloween and they really have to go to the party. Arlene’s dad gives Tony ‘Ye Old Have Her Back By Midnight’ speech, and the kids are out the door.

As Tony and Arlene get in the car, Arlene asks Tony once again to try Dr. Brandon. Using the old ‘bat the eyes’ trick and laying on a lot of guilty "please?…please?". Tony shouts at her again, saying that there is no way he’s going to go see a shrink. She silently slides into the car, and they drive off.

At the party, kids are dancing to some music: rock-n-roll! You squares!. You can tell this is a ‘cool’ teenage party because the basement (or wherever) is full of symbols of rebellion: A guy passed out on the sofa, stolen traffic signs leaning against the walls, even a dude playing bongo drums! It’s really a hilarious party scene when you listen to the kids talking and acting cool, always mentioning the "squares". (See Classic Lines) We even have the couple making out on the sofa resulting in the girl slapping the boy in the face for getting too ‘fresh’.

After the song is over, the kids head to the bar for a few beers. Pleased with the party locale ("Boy, this pad is really crazy!"), one of the girls notes that it was Tony that found the place and got permission to use it. One of the girls asks if the place is haunted at which time Bongo Boy shouts "Boo!", scaring the girl resulting in a scream (boy! How those women could scream back then!) We find out his name is Vic when somebody makes an announcement that he is going to sing a song for them (Uh oh! This is going to be good!)

Vic runs onto the stage and the music begins. He begins to lip-sync a goofy 1950′s rock-n-roll song, which is pretty damn funny to see. Not that he does a bad job (hell, he lip-syncs a lot better than Jennifer Lopez!), it’s just such a corny 1950′s scene that you just have to smile. After the song, the kids play some silly practical jokes on Vic’s girlfriend, resulting in some screams and laughs. Ok, whatever. Some more Halloween shenanigans take place before Tony pulls Vic off to the side to ask him something in private. Hoping for something juicy to happen, Tony asks him if he "can play the big drums as good as he can play the bongos" (I hope so!). Tony tells him that the drums are in an adjoining room, Vic opens the door and a bucket of water falls on him (I’m not sure how he rigged that up since the door opened inwards…but anyway). Ok, Ok. I get the point now. Being a teen is fun. Let’s move on.

After the laughter dies down (theirs, not mine), the kids head over to the buffet to eat. As Tony is filling his plate, Vic comes up behind him and blows a toy horn in his ear (this horn sounds suspiciously like a dubbed in trumpet blast). Tony flips out and punches Vic right in the chops. (Who can blame him? Somebody comes up behind you and blows a horn right in your freakin’ ear? They deserve a smack in the face!)

Ha ha! Now you’re deaf!

After he smacks Vic, he even gives Arlene a shot to the chops. Tony looks around, as in a daze, while the others stare at him like he’s lost his marbles. Tony gaze meets Arlene’s, silently pleading for him to get help…Fade to black.

We fade into Dr. Brandon’s office where Tony has just finished taking a physical, because, as Dr. Brandon explains, "Before we can know the mind, we must first know the body." (Hmmm…you just keep your hands away from me, doc.) Brandon goes on to explain that there is a very good chance that he’ll be able to help Tony, to which Tony remains rather pessimistic.

Tony gets on the couch and Brandon gives him a mild sedative to drink. He then leaves the room and tells his assistant, Hugo, "…prepare the scopolamine!" Hugo begins to object but is reassured by Brandon that he knows what he’s doing (don’t they all?). Brandon explains that after years of searching, he has found the perfect subject, both because of Tony’s mental instability and "…certain tell-tale marks on his body only I would recognize." (Umm…ok Doc, so how many teenage boys have you examined?)

Hugo repeats his concern for the boys life, to which Brandon, in typical ‘mad scientist’ fashion, explains that the loss of one life is nothing compared to the advances of science (in a nutshell, you know how mad scientists love to talk a lot and beat around the bush…See Classic Lines).

Brandon and Hugo discuss Tony’s tell-tale body markings…

Brandon helpfully exposits his plans to Hugo (and us):

"Through hypnosis, I’m going to regress this boy back…back into the primitive past that lurks within him. I’m going to transform him, and unleash the savage instincts that lie within him."

Ok, I’ll buy that.

But why on Earth does he want to do all this? Well, he helpfully continues with the exposition:

"Mankind is on the verge of destroying itself! The only hope for the human race is to hurl it back into its primitive dawn…to start all over again!"

This plan brings up a small issue I would like Dr. Brandon to address: Where in our evolutionary tree were humans werewolves? I guess Darwin overlooked that branch.

Well, Dr. Brandon’s insanity safely established, he goes back into his office and administers the injection to the sedated Tony. Hugo takes the used syringe and exits the office, leaving Brandon and Tony alone. Dr. Brandon begins to hypnotize Tony, explaining the process of discovery through hypnosis and other psychiatric gobbledy-goop.

They begin the old "count-backwards-from-100" trick and Tony quickly falls into a hypnotic state. Brandon pushes Tony further and further back into his past. After a few minutes of reliving Tony’s childhood, Brandon wakes Tony up and says that they will continue in a couple of days. Don’t want to push all the way back on the first visit.

Next scene, Tony is back with Dr. Brandon under hypnosis (obviously this is the next session because Tony is much further in the past). Now Tony has been pushed to the point in history where human’s were werewolves (!?). Tony is encouraged to remember what it was like "…to run over the hills in the moonlight…to hide by the stream, to wait in silence…until…remember how wonderful it was when you sprang suddenly…you dug in your fangs…" and so on.

We cut to another cool party at the crazy party pad. Vic is tapping on the bongos while others tell him how good he is (just in case we didn’t notice). Tony is feeling ‘out of it’ and decides to take Arlene home. Tony offers to give one of his friends, Frank, a ride home. Frank isn’t ready to leave yet and says he’ll walk home later, taking the short cut through the woods. (Uh oh! I hope little alarm bells went off in your head at that line!)

The next sequence shows the hunting down and killing of Tony’s first victim. To be honest, I think it is quite an effective scene, and at the time the film was released in the theaters, probably quite scary. Frank walks alone through the woods when he senses somebody is following him. When Frank stops, we hear somebody else take a couple extra steps before also stopping. He continues for awhile, and stops again, listening…sure enough, the second set of footsteps continues for a few more steps before stopping. He calls out, "Who’s there!?", to no effect. He quickly realizes that he’s in danger and frantically runs through the woods, where he is eventually cornered and killed. We don’t get to see the werewolf in this first attack, we only hear its footsteps, giving us the same feeling of uncertainty as Frank must have felt. I also feel that it was an effective change of pace to have a boy running through the woods, falling over tree roots, crying out in fear, and so on, instead of the typical ‘helpless female’ that has been used in horror films ad nauseam.

The next morning at the police station, Detective Donovan is going over the murder report with Chief Baker. The cops are stumped, the only clue they have are two slash marks on Frank’s throat, which they believe to be caused by…you got it…fangs! The Chief has a hard time believing this, but in the face of the evidence, what else could it be? They decide to keep quiet about the case until the "final report". (No sense in alerting people to the fact that there is a wild animal tearing out people’s throats in the park, eh?)

Donovan leaves the Chief’s office to go down to the crime lab. On the way down, he passes Pepe, the janitor, who is of course knowledgeable of werewolves since he’s from "..the old country…" Pepe puts down his mop and asks the duty officer, Chris, if he can take a look at the picture of Frank’s’ body. Following the special police rule that states all janitorial staff have access to police files, Chris shows Pepe the picture. The janitor immediately announces the cause of death: Werewolf!

Back in Dr. Brandon’s office, Tony has arrived early for his next hypnosis session. (See Classic Lines for some good psycho-babble from Dr. Brandon). He leaves the confused Tony is his office and goes to prepare another injection. Despite Hugo’s pleadings to reconsider, his efforts are in vain and Brandon injects Tony again.

Meanwhile, the police are going over the scant clues that they have. They have ascertained that Frank was walking home from a party that took place at the party pad, an abandoned house called "The Haunted House" by the teenagers (Those crazy kids!). One of the officers has contacted all the surrounding farms to see if they have had any animals escape. The livestock is all accounted for. Being the thorough investigator that his is, Chris even investigated a mink farm (!!) but was told that "They were all baby mink…the first thing they do is cut off their teeth." (Whew! Well, I guess that rules out a ‘were-mink’ as the cause of death!)

We cut to the next victim, er next scene. A teenage girl, Theresa, is practicing gymnastics in the school gymnasium. Her coach is pleased with her progress and wants to call it quits for the day. Theresa decides to practice a little later on her own (alarm bells!).

Tony is also at the school where Principal Ferguson has called him into her office for a "little chat". She tells Tony that she’s just read a report from Dr. Brandon and is pleased with his progress. She is even going to award Tony the much vaunted ‘Honor Certificate’ at the end of the year if he keeps up his good behavior. With Tony’s high grades, and Honor Certificate, Ferguson is even planning on recommending him to the State College. (Wow! State College! Cool! Screw Harvard!)

On the way out of the school, Tony happens to pass by the gym where Theresa is putting in some extra practice. Tony watches her for a bit, then moves quietly into the corner of the gym. Unfortunately he stands right beside a bell hanging on the wall. The bell suddenly goes off right beside his head, startling him, and setting in motion a transformation into the werewolf.

Theresa continues to practice, doing some sort of stretching on the parallel bars requiring her to bends over backwards. On the next stretch she sees the werewolf approaching her, and we see him from her point of view, giving us our first view of the werewolf with an upside-down angle. This shot is also effective because it forces our attention away from the makeup (which in fact is decent, given the time the movie was made). By seeing the monster upside-down, we are disorientated and taken by surprise (bet you weren’t expecting that!), just as his victim was.

Tony chases the terrified Theresa around the gym, finally cornering her and killing her. Unfortunately for Tony, her screams are heard by Principal Ferguson and some other students who happen to be in the area. The students run into the gym and see him standing over the body. With a growl, he runs past the shocked students and out the school’s front doors.

The police are called and we see Donovan talking to Principal Ferguson while Theresa’s blanket covered body is carried from the gym. Ferguson tells Donovan that when the monster ran from the gym, she recognized the jacket and pants as belonging to Tony. Busted!

Sure enough we see the werewolf running through the woods, wild-eyed and frothing at the mouth. Where could he be heading? Could it be back to Dr. Brandon’s office? Back to the source of his troubles? To the man who used and manipulated him for his own selfish, nefarious desires? Ummm…could be!

In the meantime, Donovan has driven to Brandon’s office and is asking him about Tony and if he actually could have turned into this murderous beast. Brandon plays it cool and is understandably not too forthcoming with any information for Donovan. Brandon goes into a long history of the werewolf legends and dismisses them as fantasy, coldly telling Donovan that he "lives in facts!" (and bizarre logic).

Now comes a sequence of scenes showing Donovan interviewing people, or, in cop-talk, ‘getting to the bottom of things.’ He interviews Arlene and her parents, but to no avail. Arlene’s parents ask him to leave because he’s upsetting her with the questioning, but first he has the photographer who is with him take some pictures of her (!?). Next he interviews Tony’s father, who thinks that Tony’s behavior is possibly due to the fact that he was raised without a mother in the house (An interesting issue to bring up in a 1950′s teenage monster movie, or any monster movie for that matter).

That night, the police have rounded up a posse and are going to search the woods. Besides guns and flashlights, the men have also brought torches because "…animals are afraid of fire, maybe werewolves are too." (!) After stomping around the woods for awhile, the men stop and light the torches. All of this activity does not go unnoticed by Tony, who watches from the bushes, still in werewolf form.

While the men roam around the woods, Tony is spotted by a German Shepard and attacked. They tussle around on the ground, both dog and werewolf exchanging growls and bites. Some men from the posse hear the dog barking and come up to investigate. By the time they arrive, the dog has been killed and the men run off to inform the others. Deciding it’s too dark to keep looking (ok, why did you start then? Was it any lighter 5 minutes ago?), they post some guards and leave for the night.

Back at Tony’s house, we see Tony’s father and Donovan drinking coffee and waiting for Tony to come home. Suddenly the phone rings and Tony’s father picks it up. Expecting Tony to be calling, it turns out only to be Tony’s father’s boss, calling to say that he won’t dock his pay for not coming to work that night. (I guess he’ll have to use one of his "My-Son-Is-A-Werewolf" sick days.)

The next morning Tony wakes up in the park and we see that he has returned to human form. He sneaks his way through the, er, perimeter, that the men had set up around the woods and makes his way into town. Once in town, he almost getting arrested for J-walking (ha ha, how ironic, eh?) as he runs across the street to a phone booth. Tony takes the phone and calls Arlene. For some reason, he doesn’t say anything and just hangs up the phone. The cop at Arlene’s house asks her if she recognized his voice, to which she replies "I couldn’t be sure." (Well, I couldn’t be sure either since he didn’t say a freakin’ word!) (Oh ok, Arlene says that he did say "hello", well, my bad.)

Finally (as in, finally we get to the climax of the film…), Tony returns to Dr. Brandon’s office. Tony tells Brandon that he knows what he has done to him (and is not too happy about it, I must say). Tony grabs Brandon and begs him to help him. Brandon sets Tony on the couch and goes into his lab to fetch another injection. Hugo, never giving up, tries again to convince Brandon to stop the experiments. (Hello, Hugo…he’s not listeningggg to youuuu!) Brandon gives Hugo a camera in order to film the entire transformation from start to finish, that way he can prove to "even the most exacting scientist" that he has perfected the world’s first case of regression (or something).

Anyway, Tony is hypnotized and the injection given. As predicted, Tony quickly transforms into the werewolf while Hugo dutifully catches it all on film. Suddenly Dr. Brandon’s phone rings (!)(DOH!). Since we already know that Tony has a something against bells, he freaks out and starts smashing up the office (including the camera, thus exposing the film (double-doh!))

Brandon runs from the office and into his lab, leaving Hugo to have his throat ripped out by the werewolf (thanks, boss!). Finished with Hugo, Tony corners Brandon and stalks him around the lab. After smashing a few beakers and test tubes, Tony grabs Brandon, throws him to the floor and kills him (Ahh…poetic justice in such a pure form).

At that moment, Donovan and Officer Chris break into the office and see Hugo’s dead body laying in the office. They draw their guns and move into the lab where Tony is standing over a mutilated Dr. Brandon. As Tony approaches the policemen, Donovan has no choice but to fire: forced to kill the teenager whom he so badly wanted to help.

Tony’s body lies on the floor (curiously without bullet holes, but oh well…), and we see that he has changed back into human form. Donovan takes a glance at Dr. Brandon’s body and says that well, the score is at least even. (heh, heh, I guess he won’t be shedding any tears for him!)

As we fade to black, Donovan sagely notes that after the newspapers are finished with this sensational story, "…one thing will be clear, it’s not for man to interfere in the ways of God."

Yep, leave the transformation of teenagers into werewolves up to God. Don’t wanna mess with none of that. Not me.

The End.

Dennis Grisbeck (March 2005)

Read more about I Was A Teenage Werewolf at

Written and Directed by: Robert J. Gurney

Tagline: “From Time Unborn … A Hideous She-Thing!”

Run Time: 66 min

Other titles: "Cage of Doom ", "The Girl from 5,000 A.D."

Summary:

Scientist break the "time barrier" and bring back an unexpected visitor with sparkling fingernails and spacey high-heels.

Recap:

Two scientists, Prof. Erling and Victor, are busy researching "the time barrier" but end up pushing "the voltage too high" during a "forced experiment". This extra voltage results in the materialization of a statue in some sort of ‘time chamber’. Erling nonchalantly remarks "Oh, just another statue", but this one is different. (Huh?! Are they so jaded that materializing statues from other times has become as exciting as taking out the garbage?)

This in itself is rather odd, since carbon dating reveals the age of item based on atomic decay, so how in the hell they could place an objects age in the future is just one of those fun little anomalies found in 50′s sci-fi. My advice to you: go with the flow. Moreover, as mentioned above, carbon dating works on, duh, carbon, i.e., material that was once "alive". Thus, carbon dating would be of no use if used on something metal. But hey, let’s just see what happens.

Erling sends the statue to a Museum Curator, Dr. Hedges (Which museum? Who knows. It simply says "Museum Curator" on his door.) Through a helpful wad of exposition (and when the run time is only 66 minutes, you know there’s going to be a lot of it!), Hedges wonders out loud why Erling would send what appears to be a brand new statue to him for carbon dating. (I was wondering that too since carbon dating works on, duh, carbon, i.e., material that was once "alive". Thus, carbon dating would be of no use if used on something metal.)

Later that night, Hedges is going over the startling results of the carbon dating: The results were negative! (???) Ok. Stop. If carbon dating dates objects from the past, I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that things from the future would have a negative carbon date. Even for a 1950′s sci-fi movie this "negative result" monkey-business is a little hard to swallow.

Anyway, Hedges calculates, via the, *ahem*, negative result, that the statue is from the year 5200. (Um, then why exactly isn’t the film called "Terror from the Year 5200"?) Unable to accept the fact that the statue is from the future, Hedges opts to send it to the "Eastside Laboratories" for chemical and metallurgical analysis. Sure, like that’s gonna help!

At the labs, a couple of scientists (complete with white lab-coats of course) find out that the statue is radioactive ("It’s hot as a firecracker!"). In order to neutralize the radioactive threat, they pick up the statue with a pair of tongs and toss it into a convenient bucket of water (!). When Hedges comes to hear the results, one of the Eastside scientists suggests that Erling sent the statue to Hedges in an effort to kill him by radiation poisoning ("It would be the perfect crime!"). Hedges blows off that suggestion, but still, the seeds of doubt are planted.

Unable to contact Erling, Hedges books a flight down to Florida to visit Erling in person and get to the bottom of this nonsense. Upon arrival in Florida, Hedges picks up his rental car and notices that somebody is giving chase. Could this be the evil Prof. Erling intent on killing him? (This whole "Erling might be trying to kill Hedges" sub-plot really comes out of left field, and makes no sense to me at all. You would think that a movie that lasts just a couple minutes over an hour would barely have time to deal with just the main plot, let alone side-track into a pointless side story.)

Hedges finally pulls over after a…yawn…exciting ‘chase’ scene. It turns out the person in the other car is none other than Claire Erling, yes, Professor Erling’s young daughter. Claire explains that it was she who sent the statue under her father’s name in order to "shock [Hedges] into sending a response" (?). Ok, if you say so. Claire promises a full explanation once they get back to her and her father’s house.

It turns out that the Erling residence is located on a swampy island, requiring Claire and Hedges to be ferried out by Angelo, Erling’s handy-man. On the way over, Claire explains that she and her father had to move to an island because his "electrical equipment is so powerful that it messes up TV reception for miles around." There you have it.

By the way, will there be any terror happening soon?

Well, the electrical equipment is also so powerful that it stalls the boat motor, requiring them to row half-way across the bay. Wow! Terror from the Year 5000!!!!

OK, let’s get this moving along here. As Hedges, Claire and Angelo arrive (sweaty and exhausted no doubt) at the island, Victor (who is also Claire’s fiancee) notices the viewing window on the ‘time chamber’ has been shattered. Scary music plays as he replaces the broken glass. Terror! You see, due to the radiation, Erling demanded that all experimentation be discontinued until he and Victor could discover more about the "powers" they’re dealing with. But Victor has been a bad boy and has secretly continued his time experiments.

In an effort to keep tabs on Hedges, the wily Victor lies and says that the key to the "spare room" is lost, and has Hedges share his room instead. (Dude! You could at least sleep on the sofa!) Later that night, Victor sneaks out and into the "spare room" and removes a suitcase from a dresser. Hedges is awoken by Victor opening the door to the spare bedroom and follows Victor out into the swamp where he sees Victor toss the suitcase into the water.

Terror! Terror! Terror! Oh terror? Where for art thou?

The next day, Hedges and Claire are out for a swimming trip (!). (Umm, is Victor OK with that?) Instead of the ‘normal’ swimming spot, Hedges decides to take a dip in the same location where he saw Victor toss the mysterious suitcases so he can see what’s inside. While Claire ducks behind a stand of palm trees in order to put her suit on (Hedges already had his trunks on underneath his clothes (!)), Hedges dives down and opens the suitcase to reveal: a dead four-eyed cat!

The terror continues as Claire and Hedges play around in the water. Angelo, in the meanwhile, has been watching their aquatic frolicking from a nearby tree. After checking out Claire’s goodies while she changes, he pops out and tells them that Erling and Victor have the "experiment" prepared and are waiting for Hedges so they can begin.

Back in the lab, we see that Erling has placed a bottle in the chamber and managed to transform it into another statue. Erling explains to the amazed Hedges that the bottle hasn’t been transformed, it has been "traded" for the statue with being in the future. (Um, how exactly is this all supposed to work?)

Hedges is still a bit skeptical (What? After all this terror?) and demands that Erling place his college graduation ‘key’ in the chamber to see if this is all just some sort of pre-arranged hoax. What comes back is a flat coin with 2 greek words on it which Hedges translates as "Save us".

Moving right along, Hedges agrees with Erling to stop the experiments because of the radiation. Victor gets pissed because he wants to continue, not to mention that he’s jealous as hell because Claire seems to side with Hedges on the whole "stop-exchanging-items-with-a-future race" debate. (As much as Victor is a jerk, I have to side with him. Let’s keep this in perspective: They are capable of teleporting and receiving physical objects to and from the future…yet they want to suspend experiments because the objects that ‘come back’ are slightly radioactive?!)

Later that night, Victor is at it again. This time more than just a statue comes back. A black arm reaches out of the chamber and attacks Victor, cutting his arm with its claws, but Victor manages to force it back in and teleport the creature back to the future

For some reason, Angelo is spending time peeping into Claire’s room, but is chased away by Hedges when Claire’s screams bring him running. For his bravery, Claire promptly rewards Hedges with a tongue-wrestling session (Is Victor OK with this?). Alas, Claire’s father walks in, catches them kissing, scowls, and storms off. But this fatherly disapproval is not enough to stop them from another hot round of 1950′s kissing.

Finally having his fill of Hot Lips Claire, Hedges scampers out of her room and spots some blood on the floor. He follows the trail and discovers that Victor has an injured arm. With a typical "Amazing Jump In Deductive Logic", Hedges concludes that Victor has managed to bring back life from the future, and the dead animal that he threw into the water was one of his failed attempts. Hedges confronts Erling with this information, but Erling poo-poos the accusations as just Hedges’s way of discrediting Victor in an attempt to win over Claire. (Whatever. Do they really need a love triangle in this movie?)

Hedges says he can prove it and goes out to pull up the suitcase from the bottom of the marsh. Victor sees what he’s up to and follows him to the water’s edge where an exciting fight ensues. (By the way, I was being sarcastic when I said this scene was exciting.) To make a long, long scene short, Hedges kicks Victor’s butt, drags him up on the beach, and shows Erling the radiation burns on Victor’s arm.

Now that the cat is out of the bag (no pun intended), they evacuate Victor to the mainland hospital in order to find out how much radiation he’s actually absorbed. As Hedges, Claire, and Erling go downtown to get some dinner, they leave Victor behind in the hospital to await the results of the tests. But no! We see Victor sneaking out and heading to a bar for drinks (!). When Hedges and Erling hear of the escape, they assume that there’s just some "confusion" at the hospital and decide to see a movie (!!) until things settle down. (The movie they end up seeing is "I was a Teenage Frankenstein", which coincidentally enough is a AIP production, ahh..good old AIP, "The House of No Shame")

Victor gets drunk, steals a boat and returns home. Inside the house, he forces his way back into the lab and fires up the ‘time chamber’. Meanwhile, back in town, Hedges and the others find out what Victor is up to and rush home to confront him.

This time Victor’s experiment is a ‘success’ and we see that he has managed to bring back some sort of creature. (A woman wearing a sequined body suit. Terror!) Erling and Hedges rush into the lab and find that Victor has been beaten half-to-death and is laying on the floor in a state of shock. Victor is carried to the sofa where his condition eventually ‘stabilizes’, but he keeps mumbling about something "horrible". (No, not this movie.)

The next day Angelo is out by the water and spots the sparkling woman from the future. She promptly attacks and kills our friendly peeping-tom.

Meanwhile, or the next day, I don’t know, Hedges dives down and retrieves the mutated little beast that Victor had thrown into the water. (Oddly wearing scuba gear this time! Why does he need gear now?) While Hedges is busy retrieving the cat, Claire walks around a bit and stumbles across Angelo’s body laying in the reeds: covered in ‘horrible’ radiation burns! Terror!

When Victor hears of Angelo’s murder, he admits that he brought a creature through the time machine. (Doh!) Realizing that Something Must Be Done, Hedges and Erling try to come up with a plan to keep the "Terror" from escaping the island "and killing somebody else".Later that night, a nurse has been dropped off to help care for Victor while he recovers. Oddly, she is shown trudging through a dense marshy area…so I can’t imagine why they didn’t drop her off at the docks which are, oh, 50 feet from the house. Oh yes. I see why. It’s so the Woman can ‘sneak’ up on the nurse and kill her.

Instead of immediately killing her, the Woman calls out to the nurse in Greek. ("A Language from the Year 5000"! She calls out in Greek because of the Greek lettering on Hedge’s college ‘key’ that was sent to the future) When the nurse calls out "Who’s there?", the Woman begins speaking in English. (Whew! That was convenient!) As the Woman comes out of the shadows, the nurse sees her disfigured face (a few plastic warts and a set of those "Jim Bob" false teeth) and tries to flee.

After running for several hundred yards (just where the hell did they drop her off?), the nurse stumbles over a branch and is killed by the Woman. The Woman then takes out a blank rubber face and "steals" the nurses face. This was kind of cool actually. Future Woman uses a blank face ‘template’ that removes the face of the victim, leaving a blank, featureless head. Kind of creepy actually.

Inside the house, Hedges and Erling take on their radiation suits (convenient!) and head out to deal with the threat. As they are heading out the door, the, *ahem*, ‘Nurse’ appears at the door and goes up to ‘take care’ of Victor. (Oh no!)

In Victor’s room, the ‘Nurse’ reveals her true identity (and gives us some useful exposition…really…anything to move this plot along is more than welcome!) It turns out that "…due to the ever increasing radiation in the atmosphere, by the year 5000 every fifth child born was a mutant." The mutants have been placed in isolated colonies, where they suffer from increasing mutations. Anyway, Victor’s time machine "probed" one of these colonies, and now the future-mutants want Victor to come back, or um, forward, whatever, to the colony to help them. Future Woman explains that if they could just use his "clean blood" and "undamaged pre-atomic genes" they might be able to reverse the increasing rate of mutations.

Terror ensues as Claire pops in and suspects something fishy between Victor and the Nurse. (Victor doesn’t tell her who the nurse really is because he was hypnotized by the nurse’s fingernails (!!!) when she told him who she was.) In an effort to be rid of Claire, the Nurse suggests that Claire go to bed and get some sleep. Claire reluctantly obliges but first she’s going to get the Nurse some fresh water. Fumbling with the water pitcher, Claire spots the Nurse’s "Shoes from the Year 5000"! Terror! (I’m not making this up), and immediately suspects the worst.

After the coast is clear, Victor and the Woman go down to the lab and prepare for the trip to The Year 5000. The Woman removes the nurses outfit revealing her cool, flashy, spacey, body suit while Victor dons a radiation suit to protect him once he arrives in the apocalyptic future.

Meanwhile, Erling and Hedges, still stomping around the swamp in radiation suits, find the ‘faceless’ nurse, realize what’s happened, and scurry back to the house to deal with her fraudulent replacement.

Back at the lab, Claire discovers Future Woman’s plans and a cat fight breaks out when she tries to stop the abduction. During the scuffle, Claire rips off the Woman’s face revealing her true identity. (Victor upon seeing the Nurse’s true identity: "You’re one of those freaks!" What a charmer.) Note to Victor: Never call an ugly woman a freak! The Woman attacks and kills Victor just as Hedges bursts into the lab and shoots her with his shotgun. Mortally wounded, Future Woman falls against the time chamber and is electrocuted (!).

In a fit of compassion, Hedges wants to fix the machine immediately and begins sending ‘clean blood’ to the future in order to help the mutants. Claire doesn’t think that’s too smart because then the mutants could come back again and try to take them by force. At this point, Erling has a light-bulb moment and begins with our "Moral of the Film" (cue triumphant music):

The future is what we make it. Whether there will be creatures like her depends on us. On all of us. On mankind. On what we do today. In the present.

<sniff><sob> He’s right.

Can I go home now?

Dennis Grisbeck (May 2005)

Read more about Terror from the Year 5000 at

Written, Produced, and directed by Tom Graeff

Tagline: "Thrill-Crazed Space Kids Blasting the Flesh Off Humans!"

Run Time: 86 min

Other titles: "Invasion of the Gargon"

Our current feature presentation, “ Teenagers from Outer Space” was horribly written and directed. The, ahem, special effects are truly some of the worst I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. Let’s just say, if you are afraid of lobsters, then you should brace yourself before seeing this film.

With that warning to the lobster-phobic, I now have the pleasure of presenting to you, “Teenagers from Outer Space” ….

Our wonderful feature begins with the standard credits lines overlaid on a, yes, flying saucer.

After the opening credits, a small dog runs up to the saucer, which appears quite small when you see the dog next to it, but anyhoo… The hatch opens and an alien in what is obviously a jet-fighter pilot’s helmet shoots the dog with a ray gun. The barking dog is reduced to a skeleton. Those mean aliens!

Another alien emerges from the saucer. We can tell that he is the “bad” alien because of the ominous music that begins to play when he takes off his helmet. As usual, the aliens look like high-school homecoming kings.

Another small matter is that the, ahem, “teenagers” from outer space appear to be in their early 30′s. But maybe that is what teenagers look like on their planet. Maybe I should shut up and get this over with.

The Captain. One of the, *ahem*, “Teens”

The invading “teenagers” begin offloading some very Earth-like suitcases and trunks while scary “spacey” music plays. Finally, one of the younger teenage aliens comes of the ship. He must be a “good” alien because he is taken aback when he sees the dog’s skeleton on the ground. He also must be a lower rank because he only has one stripe of duct tape on his jumper while the boss has two stripes. Ahh…what an advanced civilization! Earth doesn’t have a chance!

Derek, the good space teen

Speaking of advanced, you can see that the special effects department didn’t have enough money to buy “space boots” for the actors. In fact, they used white socks pulled up over men’s dress shoes!

I’m really getting a bad feeling about this movie already, and I’m only about 3 minutes into it. OK, the sooner we finish this, the better.

The “good” alien is told to get back to work by the “bad” alien. His work is interrupted when one of the crates starts beeping. He opens up the crate and fiddles with what looks just like a multi-channel mixer. Hey! What a coincidence! The words “Multi-channel Mixer” are actually on the instrument! What great special effects!

After some typical science-babble-mumble-jumbo, the aliens report in to the leader. Seems strange when they have to report in, since they are all standing right in front of the leader, but hey, it gives us a way to hear there really far-out alien names like Saul, Moreal, Thor (!) and, our “good alien”, Derek (!).

Derek returns to the dog skeleton and picks up the dog’s tags. He reports to the leader that this is “…a sign of intelligence beings” (unlike this film). You would have thought that the aliens would have seen any of the millions of cities on the Earth’s surface as they landed their saucer, but hey, what do I know? Anyhoo, the leader ignores Derek and says that they will release…(cue evil music)…the gargon! (Horror!)

Pssstttt: Just so you don’t lose any sleep over the excitement of not knowing, the aliens use the gargons for a food supply, but they are too dangerous to raise on their own planet. So they raise them on other planets and then use them as a food source safely away from their own planet.

Now the stress between the crew members begins to show. Derek, God bless his gentle soul, doesn’t want to release the gargon because of the possibility of intelligent life on the planet. Thor (boo! Hiss! Mean alien!) mocks him because of his sensitivities. The Captain tells Thor and Derek to pipe down and is about to release the gargon when…gasp! Derek pulls his laser-ray-gun-doo-hickey on the Captain! What a turn of events, eh?

Derek no longer believes in the codes and values that the, ahem, Supreme Race, lives by. (Including the fact that they are “…raised in cubicles.” Sounds sort of like the place I work…). He produces a book which he has read. The book is obviously banned since it has “…survived the flames of the Annihilates” (!). Oh, what knowledge must lie in that book.

Despite being threatened by “…being sentenced to torture! And death”, Derek sticks to his guns and insists that they raise the gargon herds on an uninhabited planet.

The Captain and Thor, using the oldest trick in the book, overpower Derek and takes away the gun. The Captain leaves Derek under the Thor’s guard while he goes off to “…study the reaction of the young gargon”.

The Captain and the others see that the young gargon “thrives”. As you can see, this is not a lobster under some chicken wire. Oh wait, maybe it is.

“It thrives! It thrives!”

After a thorough check of the planet and the gargon, which takes about 5 seconds, the Captain orders them to pack the equipment while he radios to the home planet about their success.

Not so fast! The young gargon has “…suddenly fell limp…and now does not move.” (much like my brain has done while watching this film). The Captain quickly deduces the cause of the limp gargon. (See Classic Dialog)

Derek is pleased to see that this civilized planet will be spared since it is obviously unsuitable for the gargon herds. (Why do I laugh every time I type that?). However, he will not escape being brought before the High Court and possible sentencing (to torture (!)). Saul and Moreal are to “bind” Derek and bring him to the “isolation chamber” (sounds pretty kinky to me!).

Somehow (who knows how and who cares), Derek escapes and runs off into the desert. The Captain insists that Thor capture Derek alive because, gasp! Derek is the son of their leader! (plot twist: Derek doesn’t know this fact! Ohh!) Who would have thunk it? Anyhoo, the Captain decides to wait until the “sky is light” before pursuing Derek. Ummm…I think it’s probably light enough already, but what do I know?

Thor and the Captain, waiting for the sky to get light…

But wait! Don’t leave just yet! The gargon is getting better! In fact, it’s improved so much that it looks just like a lobster gasping for breathe in hot desert air. Well, the Captain spews some more mumbo-jumbo about these, errr, nitrogenic compounds, and how the gargon now thrives on them. Ok, you win. Let’s just get on with it, shall we Captain?

The Captain orders a couple of the space-teens to secure the gargon with, ahem, “expandable leg-bands” (ohh! Sounds kinky to me!) So ok, yup, the gargon is secured while the aliens take off back to the home planet in order to fetch the rest of the gargon herd. In case you care, the gargon is to be left behind so that they can judge its growth rate when they come back. (In case you cared about that, then you probably care way too much about this movie)

Ahh…now to set up the conflict in the film. Thor is left behind to find Derek and inform him that he is the leader’s son. However, the Leader does agree that if Derek tries to harm anybody then he is to be destroyed. In fact, anybody that Derek makes contact with must also be destroyed too! Damn that Supreme Race!

We next see Derek running along a road and reaching a local town. So that really shows what a thorough search they did for “foreign beings”. He ran for what, 2 minutes before coming to the town? After some “funny” scenes with Derek in town, he finally finds out where the dog lives.

You see, the scenes are funny because Derek looks so different from everybody else in the town. And he talks funny, because he is an alien. Just thought I would explain that in case you didn’t laugh. I didn’t.

Thor manages to catch a ride from a passing motorist along a truly desolate stretch of road.

Derek soon makes it to the house and meets the young woman (of course) that lives there, Betty Morgan. She mistakenly thinks that Derek is there to see the room that she and her grandpa have for rent (oh brother).

“Derek, meet Grandpa. Grandpa, meet Derek. He’s from outer space!”

We are then subjected to some awful dialog designed to evoke sympathy for Derek (helped by “sad” music in the background in case you didn’t know you were supposed to feel “sorry” for Derek). You see, Derek never knew his brothers or sisters, or even his parents. OK everybody, all together now: awwwwwwww poor Derek!

Betty, enamored by the space-teen, convinces her grandpa to let Derek have the room for free “until he gets a job”. They even loan Derek some old clothes from Betty’s brother that used to live there (whew! That was convenient!).

OK, reality check: A guy shows up at your door. He’s outlandishly dressed, and talks strange. He has no money and no clothes. What’s the first word that pops into your head? All together now: psycho! Slam the door in his face! Call the cops! (Now back to our feature presentation)

Joe

Betty’s boyfriend, “Joe” (oh brother), drives up and has to cancel their “swim date” (!?). You see, Joe is a reporter and is called away on a special assignment because some people saw a flying saucer. Wait a minute! That’s probably Derek’s saucer! Do you see the irony? Do you?

By the way, the “actor” playing Joe is none other than Tom Graeff, writer and director of the film. He changes his name to “Tom Lockyear” in the credits to give the film more, ahem, credibility (didn’t work,…sorry Tom). A host of other “actors” were also credited as producers (read: chipped in money), including the actors playing Thor, Derek, and the Captain (among others).

In the meantime Thor has reached the gas station where Derek first asked for directions. (what a coincendence, eh?). Thor finds out that the station attendant spoke to Derek and forces the attendant to tell him where Derek went. He then reduces the driver of the car and the station attendant to skeletons with his ray gun. (pretend that you didn’t see the metal joints holding the skeleton together)

“Should I check your tires, sir?”

Betty teaches Derek to drive a car as she takes him to Alice’s house. They are going to “dig up” some swim trunks for Derek, so they, um, can go swimming at, I guess. Well, anyhoo…

Betty introduces Derek to a more-than-just-a-little-flirtatious Alice (see Classic Dialog), and they all decide to go swimming. Yippee! Ahhh….how I long for simpler times. Alice says that Derek can borrow a pair of her father’s swimming trunks (yech!!!). She even points out that her father and the servants are all gone for the day and that they have the house “to themselves”(!).

Alice

Derek accidentally drops the dog-tag into the pool. (Remember the dog that was vaporized in the beginning, remember that Derek picked up the dog’s tags? Doesn’t that seem, like, a million years ago now?)

Betty reads the tags and Derek explains that, yes, somebody has killed Sparky. No! Anything but that! Betty wants Derek to take her to the place, gulp, “where it happened.” So, Betty and the young space-teen take leave of the eager Alice and her servant-less home to drive out into the middle of nowhere to see Sparky’s skeleton. But wait a minute, isn’t the, gasp, gargon , out there? Does this mean that they are going to be attacked? (I hope I didn’t give anything away here)

Meanwhile, Grandpa is in the front yard watering his bushes, or lawn, or something. Up drives Thor (who by the way is a much better driver than Derek. Then again, he is a bad space-teen). Via a rambling monologue from Grandpa, Thor finds out where Derek is. (Grandpa is spared the death-ray because he happens to mention that Derek didn’t tell him where he was from).

Derek drives Betty to the place where Sparky’s skeleton lies in the dirt. Given that Derek has been on Earth for maybe an hour, how he drove to the spot from an entirely different direction from where he ran from is not really explained (and probably not very important giving the overall quality of this film).

Betty gets out of the car, barefoot and still in her swimsuit (!!), and begins to look for Sparky, or at least what’s left of him. Betty refuses to believe that the “old bones” are Sparky. Derek then informs her (and us, thanks!) about the, cue drum roll…, “focusing disintegrator ray.” You see, it displaces living molecules and then…oh forget it…just see the movie.

While Betty runs around barefoot in the desert with Derek, Thor has driven to Alice’s house and is standing by the side of the pool. Alice swims over and, *sigh*, begins to flirt with him. Thor, is his ever so charming manner, demands to know where Derek and the girl have gone. Alice refuses to answer and threatens to call the police. Bad move, Alice. Thor disintegrates her and we see her skeleton fall into the pool (complete with bubbling dry ice and fog).

Betty, back home, changes back into her dress and writes a note to her grandpa (who is sleeping on the sofa). She then takes off in the car with Derek. (Where they are going? I’m not really sure at this point).

Ring! Ring! Grandpa is awoken by the phone and anwers it is a ridiculous “sleepy” voice. It turns out that Joe (how creative) is calling to say that he has “…stumbled onto a double-murder story…” (maybe he should watch where he is walking…(rim shot)). Anyhoo, Joe will meet Betty at Alice’s house after he “..gets the story into the paper.” Ummmmkay, whatever.

Thor drives up now, still wearing his ridiculous space outfit. Grandpa (in all his trusting naivety) tells Thor that Betty and Derek have gone “to the college” to talk to Professor Simpson.

At “the college” (oh brother), which appears to be completely deserted (summer vacation?). Professor Simpson’s secretary tells them that he is not in at the moment but they can wait there. Betty, however, suggests that they wait for him “at the faculty parking lot” (!) (Gee, that would probably be much more comfortable than waiting for him in his office lobby).

Just missing each other, Professor Simpson enters the building and goes to his office. He sends his secretary to get the “student questionnaires” (sure, whatever).

Thor also arrives at “the college” and is directed to his office by a janitor (or something). We also learn that Simpson is the “head of the Science department”. Boy, talk a about a specialized field of study! Whew!

Wait a minute, I sense a pattern here:

1. Derek and Betty go somewhere

2. Thor follows and barely misses them

3. Thor turns somebody into a skeleton

4. Goto step 1

Derek and Betty see Simpson’s car in the parking lot and decide to go back to the office. However, Thor has zapped Simpson and for some strange reason, he goes out the window instead of leaving through the office door. Oh wait, I know why, that way he won’t run into Betty and Derek who are on their way back to the office. Which means, this movie will continue, argghhh!!!

Much easier to jump out of window…

Derek and Betty return to the office along with Simpson’s secretary (I guess she found the, err, student questionnaires). The sight of Simpson’s bones draped over the desk is enough to shock the secretary into some hilarious dialog (see Classic Dialog) before she quits her job and storms out of the office. Huh? Oh yeah, I get it. She quits her job and storms out of the room so that Derek and Betty can discuss the aliens and the death ray. See how neatly it all ties together? See? See? I tell you, this plot is woven together as tight as a baby seals butt.

Anyhoo, Betty realizes that Thor has found the note she left for Grandpa, ergo, Grandpa is in danger. They run from the office to call Grandpa from a phone booth. (why couldn’t they just use the phone right there on Simpson’s desk?!) Betty warns him that he’s in danger and tells Grandpa to meet her and Derek at the “City Hall Police Station” (oh brother).

Grandpa slips out the back door of the house as Thor races up in his black car (a black car because he is EVIL, see?). Why he suddenly wants to kill Grandpa now, instead of when he had the chance earlier? Ehhh? Who knows. Maybe it’s because he’s EVIL.

Ja, Ja, ok. Derek and Betty arrive at the police station where they are met by “armed guards” on the steps. A hilarious shoot-out occurs between Thor and the police.

But wait…

How did Thor get there at the same time as Betty and Derek? (Future note: answered soon)

How did he even know where it was?

Who cares?

Thor takes a shot to the shoulder and somehow manages to slip away (!!!). Derek picks up a pistol from one of the policemen-skeletons and joins the chase. Umm, aren’t there any other policemen there to, you know, take over the scene of the shootout? To prevent people from walking up and taking guns?

Incredibly, Joe (remember Betty’s boyfriend) drives up to the police station at that exact moment (why on Earth he happens to come to the City Hall?). He ever so gently tells Betty that he just came from Alice’s house where he saw “…a skeleton in the pool…”. (Gee…don’t try to sugar-coat it or anything).

Oh my, plot-hole patch!!! Joe figures out that Thor has forced Grandpa to drive him there. How the hell does he know that? Betty looks up and sees Grandpa trying to get across the street(!). Joe, ever chivalrous, runs to help Grandpa across the street (and conveniently get out of the scene for the next action sequence…I sense this movie is rapidly falling apart at the seams now).

But wait! Betty sees some blood on the sidewalk which leads to the black car which is on their side of the street. (So if Grandpa was forced to drive Thor there, what is he doing on the other side of the street?!). Suddenly, Thor sticks his head up from the back seat of the car! You mean, he was involved with in a shootout with 6 policemen on the steps of city hall and managed to get into the car without them seeing him?

Surprise! Guess who…

Thor forces Derek to give him the pistol (which looks strangely like a Luger), and then compels Betty and Derek to get in the car. Thor wants them to take him to a doctor (see Classic Dialog) to treat his gunshot wound.

Joe and Grandpa return to the other side of the street and notice that the car is gone (gee…Joe sure is observant for a reporter, eh?). Joe says he’s going to phone in the story and then drive out to the “old mine” that Betty mentioned. (You know, the one where Sparky was killed. If that doesn’t sound like a newsworthy story, then I don’t know what is!)

The posse of gun-wielding policemen return and notice the blood on the sidewalk and figure that Thor must have taking the car. Grandpa says “…In our car?”. Wait a minute. They drove off in the black car, the one that Thor took after killing the guy who gave him a lift. Why does Grandpa say that it’s his car? Doh! A plot screw up? In this movie? Nahhhhhh….

Dr. Brandt

The teens drive up toDr. Brandt’s house (hmmm…is it just me or does he look a bit like Colonel Sanders?) Thor forces Dr. Brandt and the others into the house (doesn’t it look like he’s carrying a cake-box?). While Brandt begins to remove the bullets from Thor’s arm, Derek inquires as to why he has been following him. Thor reminds him that the gargon are to be raised here. (remember them? The lobsters from about 40 minutes ago? 40 long minutes ago….). Well, in another, err, exciting moment, Thor finally tells Derek that he is the son of the Leader. Ok, I know this is exciting because the music got really loud. I’m just happy to get that plot point out of the way. Now we can get on to the gargons and the end of this movie.

After pulling out the bullet, the doctor leaves the room to get some bandages and antiseptics, err, why aren’t they in the operating room already? Oh yeah, to get the doctor out of the scene.

For some reason, Thor begins to lose consciousness and Derek and Betty escape from the room. We then see Derek, Betty and the Doctor arrive at, where else, City Hall Police Station. Incredibly, Doctor Brandt says that his nurse will be arriving soon for office hours…and then runs down the street to a phone booth.

Moving right along, at a snails pace, the nurse arrives at the doctors office and sees the unconscious Thor laying at the front door. She tends to his wounds while the phone rings. (You see, it’s Dr. Brandt calling her to warn her…but she’s taking care of the person he’s trying to warn her about. You see the irony? See it?)

Well, wouldn’t you know it. Thor kidnaps Nurse Morse and forces her to drive him to the abandoned mine. Meanwhile, Derek says that if they could duplicate Thor’s ray gun, they could destroy the gargon before it gets to its full size (as big as City Hall according to Derek…ohhh…scary!)

Joe and a policeman named Mac (oh brother!!!) have now arrived at the scene of Sparky’s death. How everybody manages to drive to that exact spot every time is pretty amazing, but let’s not think too much about that. For some reason, the policeman and Joe decide to “check out that old cave” (cue scary music!). Hmm… that seems really smart!

What do you know, the police man is attacked in the cave while Joe is bringing his “flash bulbs”. The first gargon victim approximately 50 minutes into the film. Whew, this is really exciting. Have I mentioned the atrociously fake “screaming” noise the gargon makes. Please, don’t make me mention it. Note that we still haven’t seen it yet. Oh no…plenty of time to kill before that happens.

To our big surprise (not!) Thor and Nurse Morse happen to drive up. Thor sees Joe and tries to shoot him, but Nurse Morse swings the car around so he can’t get a clean shot. Instead of killing her, Thor knocks her out. Why? He’s had no qualms about killing anybody so far…He manages to switch positions with her in the front seat without getting out of the car, with a gunshot wound to the chest, and holding a ray-gun with his only good arm (!).

Oh goodie! A car chase!

Thor pursues the Joe over the twisting mountain road, complete with screeching tires on the dirt road (of course!). Nurse Morse regains consciousness and throws herself from the car (in an absolutely hilarious “sped-up” shot) just before the car “plunges” off the road and down an embankment.

Exit Thor. Rest in Peace. (Note from the Future: Ahh, it turns out he was taken to the hospital. This was never shown of course)

Joe backs up and tells Morse about the horrible monster back at the cave where Thor “…shot at me…” (hmmm, I didn’t see Thor get any shots off…). He explains how the thing tore Mac (oh brother) to pieces in just a few seconds.

The next scene (taken at night?!) shows Derek and Betty talking in a black car. (Whose car is this? The dead guy that gave Thor a lift? Is that allowed? Oh well, finders keepers I guess…). Derek explains how if he could get to the car wreck, he could get Thor’s ray gun.

Ahh, now it’s daytime again. Betty stays in the car while Derek runs down the “cliff” to get the ray gun. “Scary” music cues us that something “scary is about to happen. Betty gets out of the car (of course) and makes her way down the hill to help Derek look for the gun. (I thought he told you to stay in the car, woman!!!)

Two points to anybody who can guess what happens. Yes! You in the front row! She stumbles and falls into Derek’s arm. The wind up laying in the grass where Derek expresses his deep affection for her (see Classic Dialog).

She even mentions that the moon will soon be out from behind the clouds giving them extra light to help find the gun. What! Oh come on! It is absolutely in the middle of the day! They don’t even play the standard “cricket noises” to let us know that it’s “night”.

Waiting for the moonlight….

Moving right along, Betty finally realizes that Derek is from another planet, gee, what gave it away? The space suit? The ray gun? Romantic music cues us that something romantic is going to happen. Derek decides that he will make Earth his home, which really lights Betty’s fire, because she then gives him a big fat kiss.

Once the moon comes out, Derek abruptly ends the kiss and starts to look for the gun again. I think this dude really has his priorities screwed up…hmmm…find ray gun or make out with Betty…

Betty, ever alert, notices the crickets have stopped chirping (I sure didn’t hear any crickets, but anyway). Well, as we all know, crickets are deathly afraid of gargons, so whenever they stop chirping you better start looking around for lobster shadows, err, gargons!

The horror of the gargon !!!

Have I mentioned the ridiculous noise the gargon makes? I have? Well let me mention it again… ridiculous!

Hey! What do you know! The ray gun is laying under (?) a rock, right at Derek’s feet! What are the odds of that, eh?

Just in case you didn’t truly appreciate how bad the gargon really looks, I’m going to give you another chance…isn’t that nice of me? You can thank me later.

Betty runs back up the hill and starts the car. (She runs pretty darn fast considering she’s wearing a dress and high-heels!) The intrepid Derek tries to shoot the gargon but the ray gun is “jammed” or something (of course). So instead, he picks up a rock and sends the thing sprawling. (yeah right…). Derek runs back to the car and they drive off (…now it’s nighttime again in the scene…oh well, I guess it took him a long time to run up the hill).

Driving back to town, Derek says that if he can repair the disintegrator, he can stop the gargon and “…give the Earth a weapon against invasion as well.” Hey, sounds good to me!

I really need to take a pause here. I just watched the next scene where a search party (!?) is attacked by the gargon. I…I…I’m stunned by how bad the effects were. My brain will not allow me to write about it. Just see it for yourself. You can also read about it in the newspaper headlines in the next scene.

Back at Betty’s house, Derek is fiddling with the ray gun. Seems pretty incredible that the search party was found, reported, and a newspaper issued with the details in the same time it took Derek and Betty to drive home. Boy, talk about “hot off the presses!”

Wouldn’t you know it, the military is called in to help destroy the ever-growing gargon (“planes and troops”, we are told). People are told to go to places of safety, such as “cellars … bomb shelters (!)” (a great 1950′s flash-back…everybody with their bomb shelters!)

Yup, ok. Now we are subjected to a series of street shots devoid of cars and people. I guess this means that everybody is in their bomb shelters. Boy, the little town now looks like a pretty big city in these scenes…oh well.

Derek and Betty are going to “drive to the edge of town”..oookay.. But first Betty is going to load “every tool in the garage” into the trunk of the car so Derek can repair the disintegrator. Hmmm…maybe he should do that before they drive out to face the gargon? Just a thought.

Joe drives up to Betty’s house and sees Grandpa out front. Talking with Joe, Grandpa figures out they have driven out to confront the gargon (see Classic Dialog). Doing the wisest thing possible, Joe brings along the 70 year old man to try and catch up with Derek and Betty.

Betty and Derek, driving to “the edge of town”, see the now gigantic gargon! Here you go, you can see it too. No, that’s not a lobster. Really.

Derek, desperately in need of a new power supply for the disintegrator, climbs a telephone pole (!) in order to cut the wires. Betty gets ahold of the “city electrical generating plant” (oh brother). She convinces the man on duty to…I don’t know…he pulls a switch or something which is shuts off the power so that Derek can connect the disintegrator to the power lines. (Hey, that was a telephone pole, not a power line pole…oh well…let’s just get this over with).

Derek gives the word and the power is restored….but it is not enough! Betty asks if he can “boost the power”, so he runs off to “speed up the generators”. Sheeze…why didn’t I think of that! Wait! It’s still not enough! (See, this builds what is called “suspense”). So anyway, the power plant person will “join in more circuits, but it will blow up the lines” (?) He pulls another switch (I guess that was the “Join More Circuits Switch”).

Yes! Finally enough power to the disintegrator. The gargon rolls over and sort of, well, dies.

Despite Betty’s objections, Derek rushes off to confront the saucers that are now invading Earth. (We know this because we heard a weird, “spacey” sound) Derek drives back down the same windy, dirt road (same footage as before of course). He is torn be the conflicting emotions in his heart (if space teens have hearts). These, ahem, emotions are represented by the alternating voices of the Captain and Betty in his head. Oh, the pathos.

Joe and Grandpa pick up Betty in Joe’s car (I guess it’s Joe’s car. There’s so many damn cars in this movie I have lost track). Funny how they are all crammed into the front seat, and I mean it looks pretty tight up there. Why doesn’t somebody go in the back? Ok, Ok, I digress. Joe tries to find out where Derek is from, but Betty can only really say “from a place that none of us has ever heard of before.” Joe and Grandpa have a hard time believing that Derek comes from outer space (despite the giant lobster, the ray guns, and the spacey suits).

They pull up to the house and Derek comes trouncing out of the front door wearing his old space uniform again. Betty is understandably shocked (he does look like a total fruit-cake in it!). Derek forces Joe to drive him “somewhere” by pulling the newly repaired ray-gun on him. What? Has Derek gone bad? Oh no!

Once Derek is in the car, he tells Joe to take him to where the “prisoner” is. The prisoner? Oh yeah, Thor. Betty runs to the car to try and stop him, but Derek simply looks her in the eyes and says “Trust me. Trust me.”

Reaching “City Hospital” (oh brother), Derek asks Joe if Thor is still at the hospital. Using his incredible ESP powers, Joe looks out the window and says “It looks like they haven’t transferred him to City Jail yet.” (City Jail? Oh brother!)

Well, of course, with typical perfect timing, two policemen come out of the hospital with Thor. Derek takes their guns and forces Thor into the car with him. Derek says he was “stupid” (I could say “like this movie” but I won’t. Oh wait, I just did, didn’t I…). He also says he is taking Thor with him back to their people. No! Derek, you haven’t become a bad space-teen, have you? What about your promise to Betty to stay on Earth?

Suddenly air-raid sirens start going off and a TV newscaster says to “prepare for attack by an unknown enemy.” He should have said “prepare yourself for some really hokey footage of people acting scared and pointing at the sky.”

What the hell? Now Betty and Grandpa have returned again to the spot by the abandoned mine, er cave, whatever. That spot sure has become quite a tourist attraction. Betty thinks that Derek will return there (why?). Oh well, best to wait and see. Wait! She was right! Joe, Derek, and Joe have just driven up.

We now see footage of what has to be a weather balloon. Oh wait, that’s the guide ship for the flying saucer invasion. Now I see it! It’s not a weather balloon, it’s one of those wooden-spiral things that you hang on your porch that spins in the wind. Somebody give the special effects department an Oscar.

Ack. Derek and Thor head over to greet the ship, while Betty whines to Joe about how Derek broke his promise to make Earth his home. Do I really have to tell you that he is just tricking Thor? I hope that doesn’t ruin the surprise ending coming up.

Alright! The Captain is back, climbing out of the same saucer as he did in the opening scene (with the same exact scenery in the back ground, no less). Not only that, but the Leader climbs out of the saucer too! (You would think that the Leader of the Supreme Race would have a little bit nicer ride, wouldn’t you?)

The Leader of the Supreme Race and President of the Fake Beard Club

The Supreme Leader informs Derek that they will return immediately once the gargons are unloaded from the ships. The really do have to hurry back because if the people find out the Leader is gone, it will “spark another revolution.” Sounds like a pretty unstable form of government for such a “supreme” race, eh?

Derek asks for permission to guide in the ships for landing (you see, they are being guided by radio beacon from the guide ship…but you probably knew that already didn’t you). The Leader grants him permission much to the Captain’s dismay (smart Captain, actually). Derek enters the saucer and immediately locks the hatch. Yes, we find out he did lock the hatch thanks to some shameless exposition from Joe.

Back in the saucer, Derek fiddles with switches and buttons while “spacey” beeping noises fill the room. Wait a minute! So Derek is a good space-teen after all! He tells the fleet to increase speed and “…set flight pattern to minus point-zero-eight…” Oh no! Not minus point-zero-eight!

Joe, Betty, and Grandpa run and take shelter in the cave while the saucers come in for the crash landing. We cut to stock footage of smoke blowing out of a volcano (!!!). I guess this represents the fleet crashing and exploding. Bravo! Bravo! What effects!

Sad music begins to play as the trio emerge from the cave. This must mean that Derek is dead. Sacrificing himself for the people of Earth that he knew and loved so much. So you see, he did keep his promise: he promised he would never leave. See?

Then in a must incredibly corny shot, we see Derek’s head superimposed over a sunset.

Betty, Joe, and Grandpa walk sadly away from the cave, back to the car.

The End

Dennis Grisbeck (Dec 2004)

Read more about Teenagers from Outer Space at

Directed by Edward L. Cahn

Written by Lou Rusoff

Tagline: “Hypnotized! Reincarnated as a monster from hell!”

Run Time: 77 min

“A creature out of time…the first life form of someone living today…over a million years old!”
- Detective Sergeant

We open by seeing the mysterious Dr. Carlo Lombardi (Chester Morris), circus hypnotist and all around creepy-guy, walking along the beach, as all mysterious people are wont to do from time to time. As the surf breaks, Lombardi stares out to the sea and thinks to himself:

"Now on this very night, I have called her from the unknown depths of time itself. She is here. And with her coming the world will never be as it was. Neither man nor animal will be the same. This, I, Dr. Carlo Lombardi, have brought into being."

I wonder if people really mention their own names when thinking to themselves. Let me try:

"This, I, Dennis Grisbeck, have written."

Naaaaa….

Anyway, a dog runs up and barks madly. (Animals can sense evil hypnotists, you know.) Lombardi stares at the dog with "googly-eyes" and the dog flees in fear. (Hypnosis!)

Cut to a swank party. We learn via wads of exposition that a visiting professor of Psychic Research, Ted Erickson (Lance Fuller), (A Ph.D. in Psychic Research?) is doing his best to fit in with the "idle rich." Erickson and his rich hostess, Dorothy decide to go for a walk along the beach instead.

Meanwhile, Lombardi walks up to a beach house to find it has been ransacked by parties unknown. In addition to a couple of dead bodies, he also discovers odd footprints on the floor and claw marks on the walls. (Sounds like my last July 4th party…)

While Erickson and Dorothy are walking on the beach, up runs the same barking dog. The couple follows the dog back to the beach house and spot Dr. Lombardi skulking away.

Really great dialog here:

Erickson: "That looks like Dr. Lombardi."

Dorothy: "That is Dr. Lombardi!"

(Exposition 101)

Erickson peers through the open door and spots the bodies. Stunned by the bloody tableau, Erickson staggers back and has Dorothy summon the police.

Enter detectives Ed James and "Detective Sergeant" (well, that’s what IMDB credits him as being called…). Examining the bodies, Ed notes that "Her neck’s broken in two like a pile-driver hit her!" (I would think a pile-driver would squash her like a pancake, but maybe I’m splitting hairs here…)

"Detective Sergeant" (DS) suddenly notes a piece of seaweed on the carpet ("…all they way to the door." So they didn’t see a 10-foot piece of seaweed until now? Man, I’m in a bitchy mood today…too bad for this film…) They also notice that the carpet is wet. (What! A wet carpet in a beachfront home? Say it isn’t so!)

Ed fetches some flour from the kitchen and dumps it on the wet spot. (Wow, that reminds me of a crude joke that I once heard…). I would think that in a murder scene you probably would not dump flour on the floor right away. Regardless, their efforts do call forth a latent, reptilian footprint.

Puzzled by the reptilian footprints, claw marks, and dead bodies (Hello? Do you need any more clues?!) Ed decides to take Erickson over to the circus in order to identify Lombardi as the man seen leaving the murder.

Cut to Lombardi, this time strolling around a circus. We are shown a helpful poster for

"Dr. Carlo Lombardi, Author – Lecturer …. Hypnotist Extraordinary.. Learn the mysteries of the occult"

(A little bit lower, under a picture of a levitating woman…(not sure what hypnosis and levitation have to do with each other but anyway))

"Learn the facts about re-incarnation … See a beautiful girl re-live her life of three hundred years ago."

Sounds good to me. When’s the next show?

Lombardi returns to his trailer, or whatever it is he lives in at the circus, and awakens his hypnotized assistant, Andrea (played by the gorgeous Marla English…Va-va-voom!). Andrea awakes and realizes she’s been "in a deep hypnosis for more than an hour."

Something appears to be amiss as Andrea complains how she "hates this place" and further more, hates Lombardi. Lombardi couldn’t give a hoot what she thinks, stating "As long as I’m alive, I’ll possess you." (What a charmer.)

This romantic interlude is interrupted by Erickson and Ed. Being a professor of, *ahem*, Psychic Research, Erickson is very familiar with Lombardi’s theories on ‘past life regression’ or whatever he does to change women into sea monsters. (Whoops! Spoiler alert!) Ok, moving along now, Erickson ID’s Lombardi and Lombardi admits to being at the scene, but just as an innocent bystander who happened to see the open door and peeked in.

As Ed questions Lombardi, Erickson and Andre leave to go have coffee (ostensibly to "tell her what this is all about", yeah right, buddy!). Much to Erickson’s puzzlement, a telepathic command (from Lombardi) stops Andrea from going to the cafe, and she wanders of in a daze.

Under questioning, Lombardi explains that it’s some sort of creature that committed the murders…"huge and indestructable…and I’m the force that gives it life." (Time to call the guys in the white jackets, if you ask me.) Lombardi’s explaining doesn’t hold water with Ed and he takes him downtown. (He’s released, we find out later. Just in case you were worried.)

The next day, Erickson is having breakfast with Dorothy’s tycoon-father, Timothy. (Getting confused by all the names? Dorothy is the rich woman from the beginning of the film…still confused? Don’t care? Good. Read on.) Timothy reads that Lombardi predicted the murders with ‘gruesome’ accuracy and decides to exploit the old man in order to make money. If Erickson would give his ‘stamp of approval’ (being a respected Professor of Psychic Research, dontcha know…), they could tour with Lombardi and exploit his ‘predictions’ for money. (And sow the seeds of your demise as well, I suspect…)

Back at the circus, Timothy approaches Lombardi with his proposal. Lombardi, however, "has been in communication with [Timothy's] thoughts," so he already knows what the visit is about.

Inside Lombardi’s tent, Timothy spells out the business deal and Lombardi agrees to give it a shot. In fact, the next evening Lombardi is to give a demonstration at Timothy’s house to some ‘connected’ guests. (News reporters, politicians, you know the deal.)

After Timothy leaves, Lombardi decides to take care of a little unfinished business. He puts Andrea into a "deep sleep…a verrryyyy deeeeeep sleeeeep…", and calls forth the "she-creature."

Cut to see frothing, foaming (re: dry ice) water, with a super-imposed image of the she-creature itself. As the creature takes on a solid form, it ‘reports for duty’ outside of Lombardi’s home. Sending telepathic messages to the monster via ‘googly-eyes’, the monster goes off to do Lombardi’s bidding. (The she-creature, incredibly enough, roars like a lion. Amazing.)

The she-creature ends up killing one of the circus carnies that was just a little to curious about Andrea, if you know what I mean. (I tried to get a decent screen shot of the monster, but it was obscured by shadows in an effort to foster suspense.)

The headlines next morning read "Savage Pier Murder Baffles Police", with a small insert: "Prehistoric She Creature Responsible … says Occultist [Lombardi]" As Lombardi reads the paper in his tent, in comes Ed, accusing him of killing the carnie (named Johnny incidentally). Although Ed can’t charge him with anything, he still grabs Lombardi roughly by the arm and takes him downtown. (Who needs Miranda Rights anyway?)

Despite obviously being a crackpot, the police appear to take Lombardi serious enough to close down "all the beaches", until this case is solved. In order to effect these orders, it looks like they place a uniformed policeman every 15 feet on the beach…which would take, oh,…about one million policemen to completely close all the beaches in LA.

Realizing that his big demonstration can’t take place if Lombardi is in the clink, Timothy splurges for a sleazy lawyer and gets Lombardi off of the "trumped-up charges."

Lombardi finally arrives with Andrea in tow. While Lombardi schmoozes the lady of the house, Andrea shoots a ‘come get some’ look to a pleased Erickson. (Another 1950′s sci-fi love triangle is in the making, I fear.) To add a little (much needed) tension to this scene, in comes Detective Ed. He flashes his badge and asks if he can watch Lombardi’s show…Timothy hesitantly allows him to stay. (I don’t think cops can do that, but never mind.)

The show begins and Lombardi introduces Andrea, "the perfect hypnotic subject." She is quickly hypnotized ("one touch and you will be asleep," sounds like my sex life…just kidding! I hope my wife doesn’t read this…) After giving Andrea a few silly commands ("raise your right arm…good…good..now your left.")

Lombardi invites Erickson to come onstage and try and prove what he is about to do is a fraud. With gentle encouragement from the crowd, Erickson makes his way across the floor and onto the stage. Lombardi proceeds to "take her back in time" to the year 1618. (This is all a bit tedious, to be honest.)

Lombardi allows the skeptical Erickson to ask Andrea anything he would like. Despite a barrage of obscure questions, she manages to answer them all correctly. (Well, that proves it! It’s real!)

Now Lombardi takes Andrea "forward in time." (COME ON ALREADY!!!) She answers more questions that I guess would be impossible for her to know, I guess. The audience gasped at her answers so I guess it was something important. (I was yawning at the time…nope, aint going to rewind either…)

Ok, finally something happens. Lombardi calls forth the spirit of, ‘Elizabeth’, a spiritual presence which goes around opening windows and such, all at Lombardi’s command. In wanders the dog, Lombardi hypnotizes dog, oh brother, this sucks.

Anyway, after this awesome display of hypnotism and canine control, ‘Elizabeth’ telepathically informs Lombardi that the she-creature is on the way. Lombardi repeats this message for the benefit of the guests (and the viewer, if you’re still awake), causing everybody to gasp in fear and go outside.

Lombardi leaves the hypnotized Andrea and goes outside to find the she-creature, or something, with Erickson in tow. Watching the beach, Lombardi suddenly see footsteps appear in the sand, created by an invisible creature (ala Forbidden Planet). Suddenly, we see the she-creature appear behind the unsuspecting Erickson (now smoking a pipe). Just as the monster is about to clobber Erickson, Andrea breaks out of the hypnotic state, screams, and faints, thus sending the creature back into the ethereal plane.

The next morning, Erickson, Dorothy (rich girlfriend), and Lombardi (he and Andrea are going to be staying at the house until he can find "more suitable living quarters (??)) are talking about the previous nights events.

Later we find Detective Ed is visiting Erickson at his lab. (A lab complete with test guinea pigs (!), beakers, chemicals, clipboards (of course)…I have to wonder what all this has to do with psychic research…but hey…Science!) Through some exposition, we learn that Lombardi is going to give a demonstration at Erickson’s lab, since, you know, then the demonstration would be "under clinical conditions." Ed, again, wants to both watch and tape record the proceedings.

The demonstration begins. Andrea is hypnotized and is laying on a cot (in a very sheer dress, of course).

I have a bad feeling we are about to see another ‘exciting’ hypnosis scene…

To make a long story short, Lombardi calls forth the spiritual "Elizabeth" (of course only Lombardi can see her). Elizabeth goes around pulling off people’s glasses, etc., in order to prove that all this is real. (Including a scene where she put back ‘on’ the glasses, by playing the clip in reverse.)

Anyway, the spirit returns to Andrea body (via reverse footage), but the scientists are still skeptical. (I really don’t know how they could explain the ‘remove’ the glasses trick…they simply dismiss it as trickery…lazy plot.) Andre is ‘de-hypnotized’ and she and Lombardi take their leave.

Newspaper headlines proclaim that this mysterious "Elizabeth" persona was in fact a real person, lending credence to Lombardi’s claims of being able to ‘regress’ people. (Actually he ‘progresses’ the past lives into the presence). That the newspapers would carry this story on the front page seems a little dubious, but there you go. We also see that he has written a best-selling book which the public is gobbling up for $4.75 a pop! (That Lombardi has written and published a book obviously indicates that some time has passed, how much is not made clear.)

We now see Lombardi and Timothy gloating over the book sales. Noting that since things are going so well, Timothy hints that maybe Lombardi and Andrea could move out into a place of their own for a while. Lombardi declines and chooses to continue living in Timothy’s house. (Huh???)

Via a montage of trains, clapping hands, and so on, we understand that Lombardi and Andrea have become pretty hot items in the entertainment world. This makes me wonder, I mean, you can’t see the ethereal ‘Elizabeth’ unless you "believe" (whatever that means). So I would assume the audience sees only Lombardi and a (shapely) Andrea on the stage…doing what? What exactly does their performance entail?

Ok, ok. Let’s get this over with.

We see the a couple of kids kissing in their car, parked at the top of a cliff. (Hmmm, what happens next?) Suddenly the monster appears and pushes the car off the edge of the cliff. Not sure why it did that, or who those kids were, but anyway…

Timothy finally has had enough of Lombardi’s free-loading and tells him to move out. (He bribes him with a bank account of $250,000.) Well, Lombardi agrees to leave the next day, and since Timothy is having another private Lombardi performance at his home that evening, he quickly agrees.

When Lombardi tells Audrey that they’ll be moving away, Audrey resists, saying that Erickson has given her the power to resist Lombardi’s telepathic control. Not to be outdone by a mere Psychic Researcher, Lombardi gives Audrey "The Look", and hypnotizes her…planting the command into the her head thatshe will kill Erickson at the performance. (Believe me, this is all a lot more boring than it sounds. And I know it sounds boring because I’ve re-read all this…sorry about it, but I don’t have a lot to work with.)

OK, Erickson and Audrey are walking on the beach before the shore. Lombardi sees them and commands the dog to attack. Audrey steps in and commands the dog to "go away." Wow. That was exciting. Everybody has mental powers! Yippee!

At the evening’s performance, Detective Ed and a uniformed cop (!) are also in attendance. (On what authority can they just pop in and watch the show in a private residence?)

Lombardi tries to hypnotize Audrey but Erickson, sitting in the audience, is somehow giving her mental powers to resist. (Doesn’t a person have to be willing to be hypnotized in the first place?) Like I mentioned before, what exactly do they do in their performance?

Yeah, OK. Lombardi finally manages to put her into a hypnotic state, but the show is a flop become of the unresponsive Audrey (Erickson is blocking Lombardi’s suggestion, or something).

Let’s get going here.

The creature comes up from the sea again, kills Detective Ed, and shambles off. When the uniformed police arrive (along with Detective Sergeant, yeah!) Somehow they figure out they can kill the creature by setting a ring of gasoline around its footprints. (Yeah, it always returns to the sea via the exact same path that it came out…how convenient.)

Back at Timothy’s house, the creature attacks and kills the greed tycoon, in a "who-can-walk-the-slowest’ chase scene. In comes Erickson, and Lombardi orders the creature to kill him. Audrey, even from her hypnotic state, somehow can keep the creature from obeying these orders, and Erickson mentally orders the creature to kill Lombardi instead.

It’s hard to tell who is doing what when almost everything takes place "mentally".

The creature, having killed Lombardi, takes leave.

Oh wait. Lombardi is still alive, just long enough to speak some dying words. Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!

OK, Lombardi’s dead after rambling on about doing what no man has done before…yeah, yeah, die already.

Back on the beach, Erickson orders the police to open fire on the ring of fire. (Since when do civilians order policemen to open fire?) Even though they can’t see anything, the cops fire wildly into the flames, killing the creature. I guess. The creature was invisible, so we don’t know it it’s dead or not.

A big question mark before the "The End" confirms my worst fears…someday there could be a "She-Creature 2"…

Ayeeeee!

Dennis Grisbeck (June 2005)

Read more about The She-Creature at

Written and Directed by Rene Cardona

Tagline: “See All the Weird and Wonderful Characters of Make-Believe! The Fantastic Crystal Work-Room of the Happy Elves! The Fabulous Realm of the Candy-Stick Palaces!”

Run Time: 94 min

“This is Santa’s Magic Observatory. What wonderful instruments! The Ear Scope! The Teletalker, that knows everything! The Cosmic Telescope! The Master Eye! Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa Claus!”
- Narrator

I have to admit that I’ve been saving this movie until the Christmas season. It certainly fits the bill for a bizarre holiday film and a timely new review for the web site. The film is a Mexican production that features Santa Claus fighting a devil named ‘Pitch’ for the future of Christmas. Oh yeah, Santa also has the help of Merlin who lives in outer space along with Santa in his crystal castle. Scratching your head yet? Let me restate this: Santa lives in a crystal palace in outer space, from which he and Merlin battle the devil Pitch for the future of Christmas in Mexico.

Director Rene Cardona (born in Havana, Cuba) is certainly no stranger to schlock films. Included in the 140+ films under his belt, Rene has also directed such wonders as Rock ‘N Roll Wrestling Women Vs. the Aztec Ape (1963), and Gomar: The Human Gorilla (1969). He’s also dabbled in a few of the inexplicably popular (well, popular in Mexico at least), ‘Santo’ the masked-wrestler movies: Santo vs. the Ghost of the Strangler (1966), Santo and Dracula’s Treasure (1969), and Santo vs. the Riders of Terror (1970).

The actor behind Santa’s beard, Jose Elias Moreno, is also no stranger to the silver screen. Appearing in over 180 films, Jose has graced Mexican theaters in such lovely offerings as The Ogre (1957) and Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters (1962). How he came to play Santa Claus is anybody’s guess.

Oddly enough, the dubbed English narration was spoken by the movie’s American producer, K. Gordon Murry. Apparently Murry ran into a bit of trouble with the boys down at the IRS and had all of his films seized. Before the case could be settled, Murry died of a heart attack. Go figure. Gordon Murray was also a bit of a writer, having penned a few films himself: Shanty Tramp (1967), The Blood of Nostradamus (1961), and Santa’s Magic Kingdom (1966). Hmmm, I’m sure there’s some sort of logical connection between them all, but I don’t have the time to figure it out.

The movie itself vacillates from bizarre to downright creepy. Santa’s collection of Orwellian observation equipment is enough to make even adults want to curl into the fetal position and beg St. Nick for forgiveness. Hell, even the reindeer are creepy looking. Man, I feel for any Mexican kid that had to actually watch this as a child.

So, where to begin? Let’s just see what we have here…

Credits overlaid on what looks like a moldering pound-cake while ‘Jingle Bells’ plays gently on the sound track. This movie can’t be that bad, could it? How could any movie that plays ‘Jingle Bells’ be bad? Oh, ye of little faith. Just you wait.

Ahhh, yes, the credit stating "Filmed at Churubusco-Azteca Studios" should immediately have the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end.

Open in outer space. Magic castles, made of crystal, float on the cloud tops "high over the North Pole". Yes, I know that there are no clouds in outer space. Thank you. Tell that to the director.

By the magic of a burst of fire-extinguisher powder in front of the camera lens, we segue into Santa’s castle and see him busily at work putting a dress onto an angel doll. As the camera pulls back, Santa begins to laugh maniacally and we see that he’s in fact putting the final touches on a nativity scene. Santa grabs his oversized gut and laughs some more before telling the ceramic figures that he has to get busy making toys for all the boys and girls. Yes, he talks to the ceramic figurines.

Santa takes his leave of the dolls, and makes his way through some massive halls and doorways (oddly Arabic in style, to my untrained eye), where he eventually Santa plops down in front of a big organ. (The musical instrument, you perverts!)

Ok, let’s see if I can adequately describe the insanity on the screen. Santa taps a few keys and some sort of monitor, mounted on top of the organ, displays the word "Toyland". You see, this is a magical pipe organ that allows Santa to see into his "toy factory": Toyland. (Talk about a sphinctor-factor of 10!)

The narrator informs us that Toyland is "sort of an ‘international toy factory’. Here are gathered boys and girls of different races and creeds."

Let me get this straight: Santa has gathered kids from all over the world to labor at toy manufacturing. Said toys, produced by the children who "volunteered" to come to Toyland, are then distributed without charge to the all the other children in the world. Sounds like a bum deal to me.

Anyway, Toyland, as we see, is merely a gigantic sound stage ringed with tall card-board candy canes, along with soap-flake "snow" being sprinkled by off-camera stage hands from the rafters. The children appear to be gathered in groups based on nationality, where they "happily" make toys all year round, separated from their families and without any hope of returning home.

Now comes one of the longest and most bone-chilling sequence of shots in any film I have ever seen. Yes. It’s time for the children to dance and sing for Santa. As jolly old Santa taps away and "ho-ho-ho"s at the keyboard, each region’s name appears on the monitor. We then see that region’s representative children perform a little song and dance number for Santa. (Do you ever get the feeling you are about to witness something terrible? Do you have that feeling now?)

Lets’ look at this one group at a time:

	Group 1 "Little helpers from Africa": Yes, a few black kids decked out in face paint and loin clothes, beating bongos and dancing about. They even have little bones sticking out of their afro’s.
	Group 2 "Here are Santa’s helpers from Spain": A desultory boy and girl of about 7 years of age sit and "sing". The boy seems to be churning butter while the girl taps on a bongo. (Aren’t they supposed to be making toys?) Is it just me, or does this boy seem terrified? Maybe if he doesn’t meet his butter output quota for the day Santa beats him.
	Group 3 "Tots from China lend a hand as well": As, <ahem> Oriental music twinkles in the background, these Chinese "tots" sing and do their best to please their all-seeing master: Santa.
	Group 4 "Boys and girls from England": Yes, England did not escape the kidnapping of its children either. Instead of showing some kids, you simply hear a couple kids singing "London Bridge is Falling Down" while Santa rocks back and forth on his bench. Go figure.
	Group 5 "Japan also helps Santa": Yup, they sure do: by sating Santa’s lust for off key children’s songs. Why do all the kids looks so scared in Toyland? Shouldn’t somebody investigate this?
	Group 6 "Talented children from the Orient": If "talented children from the Orient" means means a pre-teen belly dancer, then Santa is right on target. Hmm, I wonder why there’s a bunch of rifles behind the "Oriental" kid sitting on the floor? Maybe they’re are planning a coup against Santa and his regime…
	Group 7 "Even Russia has a delegation": Hmmm, "Even" Russia. For some reason the soap-flake "snow" is really pouring down on the poor Russian children on this shot.
	Group 8 "The group from France, headed by Yvette and Pierre": Yes, while < *cough* > Yvette and Pierre sing and paint dolls (Why, Pierre, you bad little boy), Santa bangs on the keyboard and chuckles with glee. Wait a minute, those are the same two kids from Spain!
	Group 9 "German boys and girls help Santa, too": Santa, Santa, Santa uber alles.
	Group 10 "Here’s a happy song from Italy": While two boys stand silently in the rear holding toy sail boats, a young Italian lass cradles a doll and sings to Santa. Happy times indeed.
	Group 11 "The islands of the Caribbean": Wow, you can just feel that "Caribbean" laid-back atmosphere pouring out of those kids. Merry Christmas, mahn!
	Group 12 "The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina": Wow! You mean you actually consider Brazil and Argentina a part of South America? Yippee! Bang that tambourine, senorita! Do people in South America walk around with fruit baskets on their heads? And hey! Again! Those kids from Spain!
	Group 13 "The countries of Central America": Well, I guess if you had to choose four kids to represent the countries of Central America, these would probably fit the bill. Strange how those Spanish kids keep turning up over and over. Once again, why is the boy to the left holding a rifle?
	Group 14 "Children from the U.S.A.": Yup, two kids in cowboy outfits, strumming toy guitars and singing "Mary had a Little Lamb". Home sweet home. After seeing that, I sure do miss the States, I tell ya.
	Group 15 "A neighborly group of helpers from Mexico": Ahhh, last but not least, our neighbors to the South: Mexico. They appear to be the only ones with a full drum set. Or whatever the hell all that equipment is in front of them. I had hoped they would sing "La Cucaracha", but they didn’t. Damn. Sheesh! Another kid with a rifle! This time he’s polishing the barrel while pointing the weapon at his chest. Doh!

With our tour through all 15 rings of Hell complete, we can now start our movie. Did I mention that we used over seven freakin’ minutes on this crap?! I wonder what’s worse: Actually making a movie with this much padding, or watching and timing it like I do? Man, maybe Santa will get me a life this year.

The two Mexican kids exit Toyland and go up to talk to the big guy himself. The girl hands a toy devil to Santa. (The toy looks a bit like a red corn-dog holding a pitchfork)…"Hmmm," says Santa rubbing his bearded chin, "Nobody ordered one of those…". Mexican Boy goes on to explain that in order to use it you have to light the fuse (umm, does this sound very smart?), at which point Mexican Boy produces a sparkler from out of nowhere and ignites the fuse coming out of the devil toy’s butt.

Cut to Hell. No, no, I don’t mean cut back to the earlier Toyland sequence, I mean cut to Hell where we see a devil, named Pitch, frolicking about and casting little <whooshing!> smoke bombs about a cave where he supposedly resides. Pitch is eventually joined by a cast of other devils who join him in his frolicking and perform a little dance number that looks a lot like a synchronized swimming routine, except that it takes place in Hell.

Lucifer, or whoever the hell is running that nuthouse down there, calls out over some sort of loudspeaker system and informs Pitch that he will be heading up to Earth, but, “This time you must not fail! This time you must not be defeated by that bearded old goat Santa Claus!” Pitch cringes at the reminder of his past failings and cowers in fear when he is warned that if he fails in "making all the children of Earth do evil", then he will be "punished". (Umm, he’s already in Hell…maybe he’ll be forced to watch the 7 minute Toyland sequence again.)

Oh yes, in an beautifully ironic bit, Pitch’s punishment will be to eat chocolate ice cream…because, well, he’s a devil, and a devil would hate to eat ice cream…oh, never mind.

Back topside, on Earth, the Narrator shows us a bunch of kids greedily staring through a toy-shop window. "Here’s a good little boy who’s daddy is quite rich," we are told. Pan to the right. "This mother on the other hand, is very poor." (Damn class system! Kill the rich! Kill the rich!) The poor mother’s daughter, Lupita, wipes a tear from her eye as she gazes wistfully at the dolls her family will never be able to afford.

Suddenly three "rude little boys" push their way to the front of the crowd in front of store. "The devil likes rude little boys," we are told, "and it doesn’t take long for him to find them." This fact is confirmed as Pitch appears beside the boys and rubs his hands in eager anticipation of setting his plans in motion.

For some reason, mainly because it’s in the script, the boys walk away and plop down on a street curb. Yes, Pitch has "Turned these boys against Santa" and conjures up three large rocks immediately behind the boys. To my great non-surprise the boys hurl the rocks into the window and shatter it. One rock hits the animated Santa mannequin in the store front and somehow another rock hits Santa in the head in his floating castle in outer space. (Hey, I’m just reporting what’s happening.) (See Classic Lines)

Three kids, standing at attention in front of Santa, Pedro (Mexican kid), Spanish Girl, and Chinese Boy, report that they know the names of the 3 bad boys who threw the rocks. Santa doesn’t care about that, "They’ll get punished in due course." (!!). Santa’s only concern is in rewarding the good, poor girl, Lupita.

Off to "Santa’s Magic Observatory" to take a peek at the kids on Earth. This "Magic Observatory" is where Santa observes every damn thing that every damn kid is doing on Earth during every damn minute of the day. You’re starting to like Santa less and less, aren’t you? You’re getting paranoid, scared, and nervous, aren’t you? Santa is watching you!

The Narrator gives us a run down on the Santa’s surveillance equipment:

"This is Santa’s Magic Observatory. What wonderful instruments! The Ear Scope! The Teletalker, that knows everything! The Cosmic Telescope! The Master Eye! Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa Claus!" This shit would make a C.I.A. agent drool!

Yech, the "Teletalker" even has a huge set of lips. Ewwwww!

Oh my God! The Master Eye is exactly that! As they peer down on Earth, a long mechanical tendril with a big green eye extends from the telescope and gazes down upon the Earth.

Santa is watching you!

After a few seconds of peering, Pedro reports, "I think I found the girl…in Mexico!" (Big surprise.)

Cut to bustling street market where little Lupita is enjoying watching a puppet show. When her mother takes her hand and starts to leave, Lupita grabs a doll from a vendor’s stand and tries to hide it under her sweater. "No! Lupita! Don’t steal!" shouts the Narrator. As Lupita tries to decide whether or not to put the doll back, Pitch pop ups beside her.

As Pitch whispers into Lupita’s ear that it’s ok to take the doll because she doesn’t have any, the Narrator implores the young girl to ignore the temptation and return the doll to its rightful owner: "No Lupita! Don’t listen to him…It’s bad to steal! You’ll be sorry!" Lupita does the right thing and returns the doll, but she’s not out of moral danger yet for Pitch makes another effort to convince her to steal. Alas, the Narrator talks her out of it again and the story trudges along, sort of.

Next victim? The good little rich boy. After the "Master Eye" finds the boy sleeping soundly in his bed, Santa engages the "Dream Scope" so that all can watch what’s going on in the boy’s dreams. (Santa can see my dreams? Eiieieeeeeee!!!!)

"Let’s watch the little rich boy’s dreams," the Narrator suggests…

Gee, this should be fun…

"How strange…and what large gift boxes," the Narrator informs us as we see Little Rich Boy (LRB) running down to his living room to see 2 enormous gifts beside the Christmas tree.

"Could they be toys?…[LRB opens the boxes]…Why! They contain what a child loves best: his parents!"

Yes, inside the boxes are LRB’s parents, group hug ensues. (Ack!)

Not completely satisfied with LRB’s dreams, Santa moves the Dream Watcher thingee to little Lupita…

Well, we don’t actually cut right into Lupita’s dreams, but we do see her sleeping in a bed in her family’s one-room hovel. As mama knits something and papa dabbles at a work-bench, Pitch makes his entrance.

"Confounded devil! Why can’t he leave Lupita alone?" our Narrator asks. I agree. Wouldn’t it be better to target a child that who, if turned to evil, could do the most damage? Say, a kid whose dad was a policeman (take his gun and kill people)? Just how ‘evil’ can Lupita be? Stealing a doll from a street market? Ooooo! So evillllll!

Needless to say, Santa gets pissed when he sees Pitch blowing on the slumbering child. Yes, I did say ‘blowing’. Hey, just go with it. Well, Santa fears the worst: by blowing on Lupita, Pitch will become part of her dreams. Umm, OK.Lupita’s dream? Glad you asked. A giant room filled with dry-ice fog and a row of large gift boxes lined up against the far wall. Inside the boxes are, surprise, dolls just like the ones from the street market, only much, much bigger. The giant dolls do their best to convince Lupita to steal them, but the brave little girl refuses: "Stealing is bad. I want to be good." (Can’t argue with that.)

Did I mention that this is one weird movie? Check this out:

Doll: "Why don’t you steal us? We can all be yours!"

Lupita: "No. You know that stealing is bad and I want to be good."

Doll: "But you must learn to steal."

Lupita:"No…You know that stealing is bad and I want to be good."

Doll: "We dolls don’t like good little girls. "

Lupita:"No…to steal is evil and I don’t want to be evil."

Doll: "You must be evil if you want the doll."

Lupita:"No…You know that stealing is evil and I don’t want to be evil."

and so on and so on and so on. (This witty exchange between Lupita and the doll brings back memories of my first paper I wrote in my Philosophy 101 class.)

Lupita wakes up and we cut back to Santa’s floating palace. Next target? The three boys that threw the rocks through the toy store window. This time Japanese boy has the honor of zooming the creepy eye-on-a-stalk on the slumbering boys down on Earth.

"The three boys are beneath a large bed and they are speaking in a low voice," reports little Mexican Boy. (Man, imagine if Stalin would have had one of those gadgets! Sheesh!)

This time Santa focuses "The Ear Scope" onto the boys so he can hear their discussion. The "Ear Scope" has been realized by gluing a rubber ear to an oscillating fan and dangling it from a wire. George Lucas…eat your heart out!

Oh lord! Once the "Ear Scope" locks onto the boys’ conversation, their voices are reproduced by the giant pair of lips on the Teletalker! I’m going to have nightmares about this, I just know it. Anyway, if you can focus on what the boys are saying and not the giant pair of lips talking in a 8-year old boy’s voice, you will learn that the mischievous youths are planning to steal some toys. To add insult to injury, the boys even discuss how Santa is "too old" to know what’s going on anymore and they’ll just lie to him and say that they were "good" if he ever were to ask them.

Well, Santa gets pretty pissed upon hearing that and makes another effort to see them via the big eyeball in space. Now Santa somehow transmits his voice through space and into the boys’ bedroom, and warns them that he sees and hears everything that they say so they "better watch out!" Understandably, being verbally threatened by an unseen entity freaks the kids out and they flee.

As soft, muted, twinkly Christmas music plays in the background, we cut to a montage of scenes showing kids writing letters to Santa asking for cute and cuddly things. In other words: Beer break.

Another har-dee-har moment as the local post office dumps the letters addressed to Santa into the incinerator. Thanks to the miracle of reversed footage, the letters "float" up the chimney and into Santa’s magic palace where they fall onto his head. Like I said: Har-dee-har.

Santa manually sorts the letters, one by one, so this should take about 400 years. Anyway, he stumbles across the letter written by the three bad boys where they state that they have all been very good. "Ha! You can’t fool Santa Claus," intones our Narrator as Santa tosses the bogus letter into the "Liar’s Box" (!).

With a "Ho ho ho!", Santa makes his way down to the slave shop, I mean Toyland, and makes an important announcement. Santa has to leave for Earth in a couple of hours but there’s still "thousands" of toys left to make. He encourages the kids to make an "extra effort."

"It’s all up to you!" Santa remarks with a chuckle as he turns and leaves the work area.

There is just something very, very wrong with all this.

Everything is all a-twitter in the floating palace. Santa makes ready the white, mechanical reindeer that will pull his sled around the globe. Just to add some excitement to the film, little Mexican Kid tells Santa to "return to the castle ahead of the sun rise because of [sic] the sun will turn the reindeer to dust."

Gee, I never heard that one.

So let’s see, gee, if I wonder if Pitch is going to delay Santa’s return to the very last second. Blah.

Anyhoo, now the kids of Toyland Inc. file into the room and toss their gifts into Santa’s magic bag. The bag of course is glued to the sled where a hole is cut into the bottom so the sack never "fills up." In fact, one gift gets stuck and you can see an off camera stage hand pull the package down the hole from inside the sack! Brilliant! I love my job!

Next: wind up the mechanical reindeer. Upon being wound up, the door began to stomp, blow smoke out of their noses (!), laugh, and chomp their teeth. This is really nightmarish stuff! Holy crap! (And why are there only 4 reindeer instead of 8?)

With another maniacal "Ho ho ho!", Santa and the deer take off and fly through outer space down to Earth. "Whew! That was close! He almost ran into the moon!" gasps the Narrator as a miniature Santa sled almost bumps into a styrofoam ball suspended by a wire.

As Santa closes in on good old Earth, the Narrator jumps in again, "And here’s the planet Earth…I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?"

Why, no!

"First stop: Mexico City!"

Cut to LRB who is being tucked in by his parents before they go out to a fancy gathering, leaving the kid home all by himself on Christmas eve. "If you get bored you can go down and practice your piano lessons," suggests mom.

Meanwhile, on a roof top somewhere in Mexico City, the Three Bad Boys are laying in ambush. "As soon as Santa Claus lands on the roof, all three of us will jump on him. We’ll tie him up and we’ll stick him in his sack, and then we’ll go home with all of Santa’s toys."

Charming.

"What about Santa?", asks one of the boys.

"We can make him our slave!" replies the leader.

Charming indeed.

Pitch has also been busy preparing a trap for Santa. Woo hoo! Pitch plans on "pushing a chimney out of place so Santa can’t get into the house!" Why, Christmas will be ruined! Yikes! Santa stops the sleigh high in the clouds and climbs down a rope ladder to the roof. After jumping into the "misplaced" chimney, Santa notices that something is amiss. He’s a sharp one, that Santa!

"Well, there’s more than one way to beat the Devil," we’re told, "Santa will jump down the chimney with his magic parasol!"

His magic what? What the hell kind of ‘Santa’ do they have down there in Mexico anyway?

Let’s just say that a 200+ pound Mexican actor dressed up like Santa and floating around with a little white umbrella is not something you see every day.

Inside the house, two little boys hear Santa enter and almost come into the living room. Thanks to Santa’s "Magic Dream Dust prepared by Merlin (!)" (heh, heh…I used to take that stuff in high-school), the boys go back to sleep.

For some reason, Pitch pushes the chimney back into place upon which time Santa blows a bunch of ash from the fireplace up the flue and into Pitch’s face. Ha ha.

Next house. Hilarity ensues. Just as Santa sits up on the chimney, Pitch (who earlier teleported into the house and did a little jig…I kid you not), starts a fire in the fire place and sends flames up the chimney which nearly fry Santa’s ass off. (I will admit, I chuckled at that.)

You know, this is the second house Santa has visited, so he has, what, 3 gazillion more to get to before the night is through? I’m not trying to be pessimistic, but at this rate, I must say that it looks like Pitch has won.

Back to our feature presentation. Knowing that Santa has to come through the front door since there’s a fire in the fireplace, Pitch blows on the doorknob and turns it red hot. (Bastard!)

Well, Santa sees what Pitch is up to (Did I really just write that?), and climbs through the window instead. Pitch, bending over and blowing on the doorknob, is in the perfect position for, yes, a canon shot up the rear. Santa pulls a toy canon from his sack, puts a pencil down the barrel (!), and fires it directly into Pitch’s crimson posterior.

Finally, we’re getting somewhere. Santa sneaks into the LRB’s house to find him alone and asleep on a chair in the living room. (All together now…"awwwwww…..") As the child slumbers, Santa places assorted gifts under the tree and whispers to the boy that he is "going to do something that he only does for children that are really good…" (ummmm….)

Yes, he’s going to let LRB see him as he really is by using "the powders that will make you dream that you are really awake." (Huh?) After blowing some glitter on the sleeping boy, Santa commands him, "Now, awaken while you’re dreaming…"

Blah blah blah. Santa reassures the kid that his parents love him.

Beer break.

Oh God. Now we’re at the restaurant where LRB’s parents are eating dinner. A waiter (<cough><cough> Santa), brings over a couple of drinks (complete with bubbling dry-ice fog flowing from the glasses).

"What a strange drink," mama remarks.

"It’s a Cocktail of Remembrance [!]that only I can make," says Santa. Apparently this drink will make you realize what you truly love in life…or some crap like that.

The couple take a sip of Santa’s mystical concoction and realize what they truly love in life: "little Billy". (Hey! A name! Thanks!) Yes, realizing that leaving Billy alone at home on Christmas eve might have been a little insensitive, the enlightened parents don their jackets and hurry home.

Group hug ensues. Awwww…..

As in, "Awwwww…man, I can’t take much more of this crap."

Pitch in the meantime has helped the Three Bad Boys (3BB) to rig up a trip wire on a roof. When Santa comes…wham! Right on his fat ass. (And then what? Oh my God…am I really analyzing their plan?) Anyway, Santa outwits the kids and gives them a bunch of old shoes for Christmas. With Pitch’s magical encouragement, the boys begin to argue and fight amongst themselves. What a lovely movie.

Pitch next tries to steal Santa’s sleigh, but the reindeer don’t respond to his commands. Damn! Looking over the side of the sleigh, Pitch sees Santa making his way back up the ladder from the roof below. Pitch hides in the back of the sleigh as Santa jumps into the driver’s seat then summons a pair of scissors and cuts a hole in Santa’s bag of "Magic Dreaming Powder" .

"Now Santa won’t be able to put anyone asleep!" (Is that a bad thing?) Santa also loses "The Flower To Disappear" (sic), so he can’t become invisible anymore. (Really folks, I’m just reporting what I hear, I’m not going to try to make any sense of this.)

"Let us hope the ‘Flower To Disappear’ doesn’t fall into bad hands!" the Narrator chokes. Yes, let’s.

At the next house, Santa, thinking he’s invisible, walks in front of a guard dog. Pitch blows on the dog and the hound springs after old St. Nick. Santa chuckles and reaches into his pouch only to discover his magical tools are missing.

"Run Santa! Climb that tree! It’s your only chance!" shouts the Narrator.

With Santa treed by a viscous pit bull, Pitch snickers and rubs his hands together with glee. (Once again, doesn’t there just seem like there is something fundamentally wrong with all this? By the way, the dog’s name, ‘Dante’, is written on the dog house. Whoever dubbed Pitch’s voice pronounces it "Dan-tee"…oh, sweet Inferno, where is thy sting?)

Pitch teleports inside the house and whispers into the ear of the man who lives there, "There’s a prowler out there…he’s here to kill your children and your wife!" (This is a kid’s movie?) "Defend yourself! He’s going to murder you!"

Realizing that he’s in a pretty tight pickle, Santa cries out for Merlin. Yes, I said ‘Merlin’. You know, the sorcerer from the King Arthur legend who is now a part of the Mexican Christmas. Oh, and by the way, when Santa cries out for Merlin, the "Teletalker", yes, the machine with the giant lips, replicates Santa’s voice in a way that reminds the viewer of something that one shouldn’t think about when watching a kid’s movie. Leave it at that.

OK, Pitch wakes up the whole house and the police are summoned. Yippee! Pitch blows on a sleeping grandfather (I think) causing him to call the fire department because he thinks the house is burning down. Oh joy. Hee Hee! I’m having so much fun now.

Oh wait, now Pitch goes back to poor Lupita’s house and tells her that poor children don’t get any presents from Santa because they’re poor. (Seems a bit redundant, but just go with it.) Lupita’s mother reassures her that Santa loves children that are "obedient" and shooshes Lupita back to bed.

Now Pitch pops back to Santa and lays it on the line: "Your reindeer will turn to powder, you will starve to death, and I will rule the Earth!" (Lovely, lovely children’s film.)

Anyway, Merlin hears Santa’s cries for help and rushes to the magic talking thingee. Merlin ponders Santa fix and comes up with a solution: A cat! (Well, at least a way to get rid of the dog so Santa can come down from the tree and get home before sunrise. Let’s see, Santa managed to deliver presents to, oh, 2 houses on Christmas Eve. Nice job, buddy.) Merlin calls down to Santa and tells him to use one of the wind-up toy cats from his bag to distract the dog. The ruse works and Santa successfully gets his big ass down from the tree without breaking his neck. (Off camera off course.)

Meanwhile, the police and fire department have arrived, triggering some excruciatingly lame slapstick involving the family in the house and the cops. I don’t want to describe it. I just…can’t…it’s that stupid.

Merlin warns Santa that time is short but Santa insists on visiting poor Lupita before returning to his extraterrestrial crystal castle. Wait! Hoo Hooo! Pitch is standing in a window, angrily stomping his feet at seeing Santa escape from his perch in the tree. The firemen see only the smoke from Pitch, thinks it’s a fire, and squirt the fire hose on him. Har-dee-har! Hoo! Hoo!

"He’ll probably catch pneumonia…It serves old Pitch right!" the narrator smugly says.

Oh, God almighty…get a load of this:

"Wait!" shouts the narrator, "The ‘Flower to Disappear’ has fallen right into Lupita’s house!" Well, if that isn’t so freakin’ convenient. Santa, you lucky bastard.

Inside, Lupita sleeps in her bed as her mother dozes in a rocking chair. A knock at the door and papa enters, dejectedly tossing his hat on the workbench before plopping into a chair.

"Did you find any work?" mama asks."No, nothing."

I’m not too sure what how many job offers you were expecting since you’re job hunting on Christmas Eve, you moron.

Blah. Lupita spouts some crap about knowing that Santa won’t forget her and runs out the door to find a huge doll standing there. Ahhh, isn’t that sweet?! As in Choke-Me-With-A-Crumb-Cake sweet. (Mama smiles, does that Catholic cross thingee with her hand, and stares wistfully up into the sky. So is Santa supposed to be a God-like being now? What exactly is the connection here. Bah!)

Whoever dubbed Lupita’s voice should be fired.

"So once again," begins the Narrator, "Santa returns to his crystal palace after his yearly rounds."

His yearly rounds?! Did I miss something? He only went to 3 houses in Mexico City?! WTF?

"He is happy…gay…for once again he has brought happiness to the children of the world!"

Cut to final credit sequence with a off-white cue card which reads: "Blessed are those who believe, For they shall see God. Peace on Earth…Good Will Toward Men."

"Merry Christmas!"

The End

Dennis Grisbeck (Dec 2005)

Read more about Santa Claus at

Directed by Rafael Portillo

Written by Guillermo Calderon

Tagline: “See the relentless machine battle the gruesome corpse!”

Run Time: 65 min

Other Titles: "La momia azteca contra el robot humano "

“Stop and think about this: an army of robots obeying me! The human species…sheep obeying my orders! A new theory that man has not dared imagine!”
- Dr. Krupp, aka The Bat

I am pleased to say this is my first review of a Mexican production, and a crappy one at that. (The movie, smart ass, not the review!) The movie itself is a hopelessly befuddled story of an ancient mummy guarding an Aztec breastplate and bracelet, upon which is inscribed the location of a secret treasure. (Gee, nice of them to actually write down the location of the treasure…nice secret.) A respected hypnotist, Dr. Krupp, for some reason becomes a "dangerous criminal" (the script required an antagonist) who builds a robot to destroy the mummy so he can safely retrieve the breastplate. Unfortunately, Krupp’s loses the robot’s remote control and well, just read the review…

Fair enough, I had to do this movie eventually, so let’s get it over with.

Oh no! Opening narration! Eiyeeeeee!

"How far can the human mind penetrate the mysteries great beyond? This picture is based upon an extraordinary experiment carried out by doctors Hughes and Tuny of the University of Los Angeles." (All this and stock footage of Mayan ruins! Huzzah! "There is no doubt as to its authenticity [Oh yeah, sure...]. The testimony of the people participating in the experiment, swore to by a notary public [Oh! Then it must be authentic!] preclude the possibility of any fraud. This picture is a combination of factual data mixed with fiction." (Yeah, about 0.000001% fact and 99.999999% fiction I would presume.)

After the opening narration we see Dr. Diaz and Dr. Ester stopping by to visit Dr. Almadan, his assistant Pincate (who looks like a Mexican Pee-Wee Herman) and his wife Flora. The discussion turns to Dr. Almadan’s discovery of an Aztec breastplate and bracelet. Dr. Almadan feels the need to exposit, so we flash back 5 years to a psychiatric convention, where the keynote speaker, yes, Dr. Almadan is discussing "regression of a patient to a past life through the use of hypnosis." Not surprisingly, Dr. Almadan recalls how his theory was met with ridicule (well, duh!) and left the convention a bitter man, feeling, and I quote, "squelched." (One thing I noticed right away was the fact that the folk that dubbed this film would make Sandy Frank green with envy.)

Well, being the understanding wife, Flora allowed herself to be hypnotized that night and relived a life she once led amongst the Aztecs. Unfortunately for the viewer, we flash back to that life, and are treated to a nice, long flashback of this oh so amazing life with the Aztec’s.

We learn that Flora’s Aztec name was Zorchee, and she was in love with a brave warrior named Popoca (who later we find out is to become the titular Mummy of the film.) Zorchee, scheduled to be sacrificed to the gods, understandably decided to run away with the brave Popoca. Alas, the lovers were captured by the priests and taken back to the sound stage, oops, I mean Aztec temple where Popoca was "buried alive…and then an eternal curse was placed on him." (Buried alive and a curse?! Man! Those priests really liked to rub it in, eh?)

Ummm…what the, now an "Aztec" woman is singing opera, or at least the Mexican equivalent, and, well, people are dancing and throwing flowers or corn or something on the ground, and, and, is all this really necessary for a 65 minute movie? OK, whatever, Zorchee is carried to an alter (surrounded by, sigh, dry-ice fog…et tu Mexico?) and sacrificed…but first she was dressed up with a breastplate and bracelet "engraved with hieroglyphics, indicating where the Aztec treasure was hidden." (Ummm…is that really so smart? Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose of keeping the treasure hidden?)

Cut back to the present…Dr. Almadan explains that Dr. Krupp, a fellow psychiatrist who "had suddenly [!] become a dangerous criminal in the underworld [!!]…was spying on me [!!!] during my little experiment!" (A psychiatrist who "suddenly" becomes a "dangerous criminal in the underworld?" That’s a new one on me, I tell ya!)

Anyway, Flora, still in touch with her past life (or something) leads her husband and the others to the bracelet and breastplate deep in some (strangely well lit) temple. Boy, they show a lot of "Walking-Through-Well-Lit-Tunnels-While-Pretending-It’s-Dark"…there is a hell of a lot of padding in this flick.

At the end of a tunnel Dr. Almadan stops and notes, "I think we’re up against a dead end." Dr. Diaz (wearing a suit and tie!!!) remarks, "It can’t be possible. The Aztecs wouldn’t build a secret passage way just to have it end for no rhyme or reason!" (Boy, those Aztecs would do a lot of crazy things, but nothing that crazy, I tell ya!) After a long, i.e., boring, expedition through the temple, they find the breastplate and bracelet. (Gee…who woulda thought?)

For some reason Almadan takes only the breastplate, leaving the bracelet behind. However, the location of the treason requires both the breastplate and the bracelet (Doh!), so Almadan had to go back and get it…oh yeah, and don’t forget the Aztec curse: "He who defiles the tomb of the Aztecs and finds the sacred plate, will run the risk of death, and his family and his family as well, until the breastplate is replaced."

OK, first, what if I defile the tomb but don’t find the breastplate? And then ok, if I take the breastplate, the legend states that I run the risk of death. What are the odds then? I run the risk of death if I, say, smoke cigarettes. How does the mummy’s curse compare with those risks? Greater? Lower? The same?

Whatever, in the flashback showing everybody going back to the tomb, a strange "shuffling noise" approaches from one of the corridors. It was the "ghastly and terrifying Popoca…the Aztec warrior had come back to life." As the mummy approaches, Almadan and his buddies shine their flashlights in its face, a defensive measure that proves oddly effective in driving the mummy back into the shadows. (Boy…what a scary mummy! Flashlights! Oooo!)

It’s too bad I can’t write down all the bad dialog in this film. I just don’t have time (or energy). But brother, is this some bad stuff.

Anyway, the mummy somehow followed Almadan back to his home, kidnapped Flora, and took her back to the tomb. We don’t of course, you know, see this. This is all told to us by Almadan as he speaks to his visitors. (Lazy, lazy, lazy writing.)

Upon discovering that Flora has been kidnapped (off camera) by the mummy, Almadan, Flora’s father, and Pincate head back to the tomb to rescue her. (How they ever figured she was abducted by the mummy is never explained. I mean, if somebody goes missing, would your first thoughts be that they were kidnapped by a mummy? It seems like there would be other possibilities that would need to be explored first.)

At the tomb, a truly bizarre scene takes place. The mummy has bound Flora to the altar, put the breast plate back on her (What? The mummy took the breastplate along too?), and is preparing to sacrifice her to the, *ahem*, Gods. Almadan tries to untie his struggling wife but the mummy attacks him. Flora’s father comes to the rescue by driving the mummy back with a cross (!!) allowing Almadan and Pincate a chance to free Flora from her bindings.

OK, time out.

One: The mummy took both Flora and the breastplate from Dr. Almadan’s house…without anybody noticing?

Two: Why the hell would the mummy feel it necessary to sacrifice anybody? His only duty is to protect the breastplate. If he indeed feels compelled to kill somebody, then why not just strangle the person at home?

Three: A cross? Why the hell would a mummy be afraid of a cross? This isn’t a vampire! In fact, the Aztec’s flourished before Christianity ever reached Mexico. (and didn’t do so hot after that.) Therefore, the mummy, i.e., Popoca, would have never even seen a cross, so why on Earth should he be afraid of it?

Stupid movie.

Flora’s father orders the others to leave the tomb while he holds the mummy at bay with the cross. Just as Flora and the others scramble out, an explosion takes place and Flora’s father is killed. (What? An explosion? What the….?)

Oh boy, just wait now. I’m still mulling over the next scene. Man, this film just gets better and better…on this web site"better and better" in that context of course means "worse and worse".

After Flora’s father dies in the explosion (Man, that was convenient for the plot, eh?), we cut back to Almadan’s den where the movie is actually taking place (recall that all that has taken place has been exposition and flashback). As Doctors Diaz and Ester nod their heads in amazement, Almadan notes that he thought the matter was wrapped up now that the mummy was buried under tons of rocks and "The Bat" was in prison.

Before you say, "Who the hell is The Bat?" (like I did), Almadan explains that the former psychiatrist turned criminal, Dr. Krupp, adopted the moniker "The Bat" (!!). Continuing with this rather impressive wad of exposition, Almadan informs us that The Bat escaped from prison (gee…who woulda thought?) and "in his mad determination to get my treasure [excuse me..your treasure?] …he kidnapped my daughter and Flora…and then hypnotized her." (Nothing more dangerous than a hypnotist turned bad!)

Flora, under hypnosis, lead The Bat to the cave where he found and stole both the breastplate and the bracelet. (Once again, all of this is merely narrated to us, none of this, er, action, was filmed. Sheesh…) Dr. Krupp, oh sorry, The Bat, forced Almadan to come to his lab and translate the hieroglyphics.

Another flashback along with Almadan’s narration. We cut to Krupp’s lab. (Sorry, I can’t call him The Bat anymore…too stupid.) We see that his lab has a few beat up people sitting around under the watchful eye of some generic thugs. (Including some people that have nothing to do with this movie, so what they are doing there is anybody’s guess.) Almadan translates the symbols and gives them to Krupp. Well, being of no use anymore, Krupp’s orders one of his hoodlums to gun down Almadan and his family.

In an absolutely incredible Deus Ex Machina moment, just as the thug is about to pull the trigger, in bursts the Aztec mummy! (I laughed my ass of at this one! I had to rewind and watch this several times!) The nogoodnicks open fire on the mummy with no effect (and no surprise). As the mummy dispatches the gangsters, Krupp runs off with the map and the breastplate. Seeing that the mummy moves at, oh, about 100 feet per hour, Krupp obligingly falls over some boxes in the hallway. Instead of, you know, getting up, he lays on the ground until the mummy gets close enough to pick him up and throw him…get this…into a pit full of rattle snakes. (!!!)

Incredible!

After the mummy throws Krupp into the snake pit (in his lab!!!), the breastplate and bracelet magically appear in his hands, even though he was holding nothing in the previous shot.

The mummy "shuffled off and was soon out of sight." (How you could lose track of a mummy "shuffling" away at the speed of a crippled tortoise is not explained.) Somehow Almadan realizes that the mummy has taken the breastplate and bracelet to a new hideout since the pyramid was blown up earlier. Almadan brings the police back to the lab only to find the lab "dismantled" (?) and all the bodies removed. When they go to peek in the snake pit (!!!) they find that there was a secret door in the back of the pit where Krupp "might have escaped!" (Yeah, I guess Krupp installed a secret door in his snake pit ‘just in case’.)

According to Almadan’s never ending narration, Krupp came back again a few weeks later and parked outside his house. From the car, Krupp commands Flora to come outside to him via some sort of post-hypnotic suggestion. (Even though completely hypnotized, Flora does have the presence of mind to get dressed first before going outside.)

Krupp’s idea is to use Flora to lead him to the mummy since she can still feel "the waves being sent out from that mummy." (Huh?!) Whatever. I don’t know when she became sensitive to its vibes, but she sure the hell couldn’t tell when the mummy was going to kidnap her earlier. Flora tells them that the mummy is hiding "in the ancient cemetery." (Oh brother…this cemetery must have been the inspiration for Ed Wood when he designed his cemetery for Plan 9…this is really bottom-of-the-barrel.)

Krupp and his right-hand thug, Bruno, find the mummy but don’t dare take the breastplate and bracelet. (Seeing how last time he took it he wound up in the "rattler pit", I agree that a bit of caution is in order.) You see, Krupp has a plan. He’s going to build a robot and send it to fetch the breastplate for him. Of course he’s assuming that the mummy will be no match for the robot (a big assumption, just wait until you see the robot…) Well, with that wrapped up, Krupp and the others turn and return Flora back home.

Wow, that was an exciting scene.

Speeding things up here. It’s truly amazing how long a 60-minute movie can seem. Unbelievable.

Dr. Almadan and Pincate also discover where the mummy is hiding. (If you really, really want to know how they deduced the mummy’s location then you can see the movie for yourself, I just don’t have the strength at this point.) More, more, more narration. Great. Dr. Almadan explains that Krupp has broken into a laboratory and stolen a "machine that uses radium…and stole a brain." (If that
doesn’t raise a few eyebrows at the lab, then…)

Oh yeah. The Bat also stole a body. Um, hello? Movie characters? Haven’t you figured out where all this is going? Item 1: Brain. Item 2: dead body. Item 3: Radium. Helloooooo!

Almadan’s narration has now taken us up to the "present" time. With all the facts and history explained (and do I mean explained at length!), Dr. Almadan and Pincate head to the Krupp’s lab and confront him.

Meanwhile, in his lab, Krupp (now wearing a black cape no less) is busy mixing fluids and performing a host of other scientific actions (flipping switches, turning knobs, and the like). Almadan and Pincate enter through a back door, take 2 steps, and are immediately apprehended by a couple of The Bat’s henchmen. (Idiots.)

Through an amazing stroke of luck, Almadan and Pincate have broken into the lab on the very night that The Bat is going to activate his robot for the first time. (Wow! What a coincidence!)

As lightning flashes and thunder roars (adding, er, atmosphere I suppose), Krupp goes into a lengthy discourse regarding his research into man’s existence, blah, blah, blah. Listen to any "mad scientist" speech from any bad movie and you’ll get the idea.

Pointing across the room (like you would have to actually point out this robot), Krupp indicates the culmination of his research: The Human Robot! The robot itself looks exactly like a man in a cardboard box, which incidentally, is exactly what it is . The legs have no knee joints (!!), and since it is a, *ahem*, Human Robot (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean) the robot’s "head" is actually an open box revealing the actor’s face inside. (Oh yeah, along with blinking flashlights on the ears and top of the head itself.)

Krupp rubs it in some more: "Stop and think about this," he spouts, "an army of robots obeying me! The human species…sheep obeying my orders! A new theory that man has not dared imagine!" (You go ahead and try to make sense of all that if you want to.)

Krupp takes the robot to the Ancient Cemetery in order to battle the mummy. (I wish I was making all this up but I’m not). Almadan and Pincate are left behind in the lab under the guard of Henchman #35 and Henchman #72. ("They mustn’t get away!" Krupp commands the guys left to guard Almadan and Pincate, thus ensuring that they will, of course, get away.)

As soon as Krupp and Bruno leave with the robot, Almadan and Pincate overpower the guards just as the police arrive. (I told you so! I told you so! I bet you never saw that coming! Man, my powers of prediction are amazing, eh?) With the bad guys in custody, Almadan, Pincate, and the police head off to the cemetery to deal with Krupp, Bruno, and the robot.

In the tomb, Bruno takes the breastplate and bracelet from the mummy, with the expected results. The mummy goes in for the attack but is in turned attacked by the robot. If you have never seen a 500-year old mummy grappling with a knee-less robot, then you ain’t seen nothing, buddy! (And by the way, how the hell did the robot get down the steps if it doesn’t have knees?)

Upon arrival at the tomb, Almadan grabs a policeman’s revolver from his hand (!) and shoots Krupp’s robot remote control. No longer under Krupp’s guidance, the robot freezes up while the mummy literally tears it limb from limb. (A truly hilarious shot, to be honest.) Krupp and Bruno cower in a corner as the mummy turns from the robot, shuffles over to them, and pounds them into pulp. (All the while the police just watch. You’d think they’d do something….)

With the two baddies dealt with, there is only one last plot thread to tie up. (I use the word ‘plot’ in its loosest definition). Flora gathers up the breastplate and bracelet (that Bruno actually went out of the way to set on the stairs before the mummy killed him) and hands them to the mummy while reciting, "Popoca, in memory of the great love that once existed between us, stop all this death and destruction. Take these objects that are yours to guard and go back to the grave of our ancestors where we should have never interrupted your eternal sleep." (Yeah, that sounds like something somebody would just say out of the blue.)

The mummy takes the precious objects and stomps up the stairs and out of the tomb to go…where? Get a job?

Blah.

Dennis Grisbeck (July 2005)

Read more about The Robot Vs. the Aztec Mummy at