Directed by Roberto Mauri

Written by Roberto Mauri and Walter Brandi

Run Time: 82 minutes

Tagline: From the forest came the terror of…

Other Titles: King of Kong Island

"I can hardly wait to find out if there really is a sacred monkey."

- Diane

Yes, I know: sorry about the screen-shot quality. This movie is part of the "50 Sci-Fi Classics" which, despite its plethora of enjoyable "classics", has generally poor transfers onto the DVD. But that won’t stop us from getting through today’s stinker.

	Burt Dawson (Brad Harris) Burt is the wronged-hero bent on revenge…and a little disco dancing if there’s time. Will Burt be able to punish the man who destroyed his life? Only if he can first get by a couple guys in gorilla suits.
	Eva, the savage girl (Esmeralda Barros) Eva, the legendary ‘Sacred Monkey’ runs free and wild in the jungle…with no explanation why. But who cares? She’s cute!…although her hair always seems to be strategically covering her breasts.
	Albert Muller (Marc Lawrence) Albert, the evil power-hungry man bent on world domination. With $300,000 dollars in his pocket and 2 radio-controlled gorillas, will Albert manage to conquer the world?
	Turk (Paolo Magalotti) Turk, Albert’s right-hand man and goto-guy, spends most of the movie either hiding from Burt or trying to kill him. Will Turk vanquish Burt in the Final Showdown deep in the bowels of Albert’s Cave of Monkey Madness? Read on and find out!

Yes, ok, open with 3 mercenaries, Burt, Albert, and Some Dude driving around in a jeep somewhere in Italy, sorry, (cough) Africa. The action quickly commences as the 3 men set up an ambush and waylay a payroll jeep carrying a whopping $300,000. ("We’ll never have to work again!" notes one of the thieves. Hmmm…I’m sure that $300,000 was a lot of money in 1968, but I don’t think you could retire on it. Maybe if you eat macaroni & cheese for every meal. Hell, I survived 4 years of college that way, so maybe it’s possible.) As the bandits celebrate their success, Albert whips out his machinegun and kills the payroll guards, Some Dude, and shoots Burt in the back for good measure before absconding with the moola.

But wait! One of the men is still alive, I wonder who it is…is it Burt or is it Some Dude? It’s Burt! Huzzah! He’s alive! I wonder if Albert is going to regret the fact that he didn’t check to see if they were dead before driving off! Ack! I hate that crap.

Cut to opening credits which are accompanied by some pretty cool Polynesian-style music, which is odd since this movie takes place in Africa! (If you want to here the movie’s theme song…here you go. NOTE: Open this link in a separate tab and play the loop over and over while you read this review and it will help you get through it.)

Jump cut from the credits to see Albert and his right-hand man, Turk, performing an operation on an anesthetized guy in a gorilla suit. Oh, wait. Yeah. That’s a real gorilla. Sure it is. After draaaaaaaaaaaaging out this scene way to long, Albert implants some sort of radio-control device in the monkey’s head just behind its ear. Yup. Good plan. That could never backfire on you. Nope. [Note From the Future: Do I really need to mention that it does?]

Cut to somebody’s house where we see Burt lounging in a woman’s bedroom chatting with the admittedly beautiful Ursula. (Burt appears completely recovered from his wound, so this must be some months in the future. I guess. The director obviously didn’t feel the need to let the viewer in on this bit of information.) Anyway, Burt explains that he’s back in town looking for his old "pal", Albert, so he can, er, have a chat with him…if you know what I mean.

(Burt hints to Ursula as to the real reason he wants to find Albert by pulling up his shirt and showing her the gunshot scar on his collar bone, even though he was clearly shot in the middle of the back earlier in the film. Strange how that happens, eh?.)

Well, Ursula remarks that nobody knows where Burt’s "mad doctor friend" happens to be. Just then, in strolls Ursula’s old man, Theodore, who starts accusing her of being interested in Burt again and blah, blah, blah. Subplot Alert! Subplot Alert!

We’re just chatting, Theodore, just chatting…

Sensing that he should maybe get out of Ursula’s bed room as Theodore continues going nuts, Burt strolls downstairs and runs into a pair of his old friends Diana and Robert, who are preparing for the next day’s safari. (We find out much later that Diana and Robert are actually Ursula’s kids. This relationship really doesn’t matter though, because it’s brought up in a throw away line and never really mentioned again. It’s all just so strange. I guess by creating the characters as family they could all live together in the same house thus cutting down on shooting expenses…or what? Hell, I don’t know.)

"Tomorrow I’m hunting big game," says Diana,"…sacred monkey!"

Diana explains that this legendary creature is found in the "forbidden part of the jungle…forbidden to white men!"

(Oh, ok, yeah, that forbidden part.)

So anyway, Robert insists that Burt tag along on the safari because, well, Burt’s the hero and his character hasn’t really done anything worthy of a hero’s status since being shot in the back. Alas, Burt has bigger fish to fry, i.e., Albert, so he gracefully declines Robert’s invitation. As the scene staggers to an end, Robert mentions that there’s a guy named Turk hanging around the local bar from time to time. "You remember, Albert’s friend, the one with the scar on his face," Robert helpfully reminds the viewer. (Yeah, it’s been a whopping 2 minutes since we last saw the guy.) So…moving to the next page of the script, Burt says goodnight and heads off to the bar to try and find Turk.

Burt and his alter ego…

Jump cut to the local African disco bar filled with the usual complement of disco dancers and man, this is supposed to be Africa? Did they have disco bars in Africa in the late 60′s? Whatever, the music is again pretty cool, which is the only positive thing about this stupid movie, so you might as well enjoy it.

Let’s see, why, in walks Diana who makes her way to the bar and starts flirting with Burt. (Yeah Diana, the best way to prepare for a huge safari the next day is to go disco dancing.) Since this movie was made in the 60′s the required disco dancing scene now takes place, and boy, I wish I could have found that scene on YouTube but I couldn’t. Too bad. Buy the movie if you want to see it.

To further muddy the plot, a Mystery Man keeps staring at Burt from across the room. Why, who is he? I have no idea. And neither do you. And we won’t know for another hour so just place it out of your mind for now – the same as all the other pointless subplots this movie tosses at you.

Why, look who just happens to walk in: Turk. Who wooda thunk it? Burt immediately spots his old "friend" (even though there’s a gazillion people crowded into the place) and gives chase, leaving a puzzled Diana stranded on the dance floor.

Burt, not realizing that chasing a known murderer out into the dark is a Bad Idea ©, runs outside into the night and is quickly overpowered by a pair of Turk’s thugs who hold him down and prepare to chop his head off with a machete.

But, Lo! It’s Mystery Man! Who apparently had followed Burt outside and now helps Burt beat up and disperse the bad guys into the darkness.

"Thanks," says Burt.

Mystery Man nods and replies, "My pleasure."

Wow. Give yourself a minute to reflect on that last exchange and really, really take in all of its nuances.

The next day, yes, the day of the Giant Sacred Monkey Safari, we see Diane, Robert, and some bored movie extras driving a jeep through the African savanna and also through absolutely the most stock footage I’ve ever seen in my life…and I’ve seen all of Bert I. Gordon’s films…so I know what I’m talking about!

It’s truly amazing. It’s like clockwork:

"Look! An elephant" (Insert shot of an elephant.)

"Look! A pair of lions!" (Insert shot of a pair of lions.)

"Look at those birds!" (Insert shot of some birds.)

"Look! Zebras!" (Insert…well, I think you get the idea.)

Anyhoo, after exhausting the studio’s extensive wildlife stock-footage archive, the director moves the action into the jungle itself. And boy, if watching people walk through bushes is your thing, then boy, is this movie for you. It almost makes you wish for some animal stock footage to break up the monotony. Almost.

Unbeknownst to our friends, Turk is spying on them from a nearby hilltop. (Now, that was convenient. How the hell did Turk know that, out of the entire jungle, they would be exactly there?) Oh wait! My wish has been granted! Somebody must have found some Disney footage on the floor and dutifully inserted it in at this point. (The footage shows a lion cub playing with a jaguar cub…yeah, I’m sure that happens all the time in the wild. )

This is very common in Africa

Did I mention that they’re still walking through the jungle? I did? Ok.

Hey! It’s a shot of a jaguar! From a different movie. Cool.

Well, let’s get back to walking in the jungle. Ah, that’s more like it.

Seriously though:

SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY!!!! GOOD GRIEF!

Ahh, after an exhausting stretch of walking footage it’s now time…are you all a-tingly yet?…to watch them set up camp. Boy, you really can’t appreciate seeing a tent go up until you’ve seen this movie. It’s magical, I tell you.

After setting up camp the native porters become restless. The lead porter, Maloomba, explains that his men don’t want to continue deeper into the jungle because of a local taboo. (Wasn’t this part of the jungle forbidden for white men? What’s the problem then?) When Robert offers to double their pay if they keep going, they grudgingly comply. Wow. That was an exciting scene. Somebody get me a cigarette…

Later that night (I think it’s night, the whole movie is so poorly lit it’s hard to tell at times), a couple of stage hands clad in gorilla suits viscously attack the camp, slaughter a couple of hapless porters, and scatter the safari party. During the tumult, Diana, screaming her cute little head off, is carried away by one of the monkeys. (Due to budget constraints, the director opted not to film the savage gorilla attack…arggh! Now that would have been worthy of a couple of screen shots!)

As Robert surveys the devastation, Turk materializes out of the brush and warns him to get his wounded ass back to Nairobi and stop monkeying around in the jungle (ha ha). Furthermore, Diana will be killed if Robert doesn’t go back to town and betray Burt by luring him into the jungle and thus into Albert’s clutches. Did you get all that? Yeah, I know it’s a pretty complicated plot, just try to hang in there.

Back in (cough) Nairobi, Robert recalls the previous evening’s events to Burt, "One of the gorillas carried Diana away, the other gorillas was attacking the camp…it was…almost human! They behaved like they had a plan!" (Ahhh yes, Plan 29B: Kick Everybody’s Ass and Bring Me The Girl…hey, I kinda like it.) When Burt finally hears that Turk was responsible for Diana’s kidnapping, he quickly agrees to follow Robert back into the wilderness to rescue her.

The next day, Burt and Robert head out into the brush which leads to yet more stock footage…incredible!

"Look at that!"

Burt and Robert relax by killing anything that moves

As they relax on the trip down the river to the destroyed camp site, Robert chills out by taking random potshots at whatever unlucky animal just happens to pass by:

"A crocodile!", Robert shouts as he fires his rifle (BOOM!)…

"You gotta hit the eye," Burt laughs.

Ahhh, you really have to respect a pair of nature lovers like these 2 clowns.

After Robert steers the boat to the riverbank, he leads everybody to the abandoned campsite. But wait, we see some dude trailing them… I think it’s Mystery Man from the bar, but I’m not sure. Great movie. I know there’s only 5 characters to keep track of, but hey, how about a little help here?

After endlessly stomping through the jungle, oh, and with a few "scares" involving a stock-footage snake and baby chimpanzee, which one of the natives confuses for the Sacred Monkey!, our intrepid hero reaches the ravaged camp. Somehow nobody manages to spot the topless, savage white woman perched in a tree only a few yards away. Man, these guys truly are master hunters.

Something easily overlooked

As Burt searches the wreckage for clues, Robert sneaks off and confronts Turk to make sure he sticks to his part of the deal now that he’s led Burt into trap. And, yadda, yadda, yadda. We get it already. We know you’ve betrayed your friend. We know Turk is untrustworthy. Sheesh. Give us a little credit.

Jump to night time. As a shirtless Burt dozes on a cot, Savage Woman manages to creep into his tent and touches his manly muscles before sneaking back out again. Naturally, nobody sees her. Obviously our hero didn’t feel it necessary to organize a night watch since it’s been, oh, 24 hours since 2 maniacal killer gorillas were here and killed everybody at this exact location!

The next day, after having a nice peaceful night’s sleep while for all they know Diana is being tortured to death by monkeys, the search party heads out in the bush to find Diana. After being nearly attacked by a stock-footage lion, black panther, and elephant (good grief, enough already!!!) they continue walking

and walking

and walking

(intercut with shots of Savage Woman playing with a baby chimp…what does this have to do with anything?! Maybe they ran out of stock footage??!! Oh please, oh please, oh please…)

Suddenly, the jungle gets deathly quiet, i.e., the freakin’ non-stop foleyed cricket chirps are dropped from the soundtrack. This sudden calming of the local insect population is enough to send the native porters bolting in fear because of an "evil spirit legend". Whatever. I guess it’s the legend of the Quiet Crickets, because otherwise everything else is exactly the same as it was a moment ago.

Not too far away, Mystery Man straggles off on his lonesome and is attacked by the same raggedy looking gorillas. You’ll note that even though Albert supposedly has created an "army" of gorillas, you only ever see 2 at a time because the film makers had only 2 gorilla suits to work with. – Dennis smiles -

Now it’s Burt’s turn to come to Mystery Man’s rescue. Can you now see the absolute brilliance of this story? The give and take? The ebb and flow? Brilliant! After being saved from the gorillas, Mystery Man introduces himself as Interpol Agent Forrester, who is also searching for Albert because of the payroll robbery a year before. By the way, would the local authorities contact Interpol for a payroll heist?

Oh, ok. Forrester explains that he’s also interested in locating Albert because of the rumors regarding his creating an army of radio-controlled gorillas in a bid for world domination. (Now that I could see Interpol being interested in.)

"The results could be disastrous," Forrester warns…(No kidding, just look at this film! * Rimshot *)

Forrester offers to pardon Burt for the bank job in exchange for his assistance in finding Albert. Burt, seeing a way to kill 2 birds with one stone, i.e., rescue Diana and get his ass off the hook for the robbery, wisely agrees to the deal.

When Burt and Forrester return to camp, they discover that the apes have attacked again. (And, again, none of the action is shown in a bid to save money. Or perhaps the gorilla suits are so cheap looking that even the director realized that it would be prudent to show them as little as possible.) Burt cradles his mortally wounded friend in his arms, and with his dying breath, Robert confesses that he was helping Turk and Albert is dangerous, and blah blah blah (die already!), but before Robert can divulge too much Turk pops up out of nowhere and shoots him.

If that wasn’t impulsive enough for you, out of the bushes jump 3 or 4 spear waving natives (WTF?!) who promptly take Burt and Forrester captive. After tying them up and trussing them to some long sticks, the natives carry them off (walking…walking…walking…) and then, for no reason I can discern, put them down and untie them!

"Why are they untying us?" Forrester asks.

"They’re savages, they expect us to run for our lives!…let’s go!" Burt shouts as he and Forrester hop to their feet and run away while the natives half-heartedly toss spears in their general direction. (Talk about padding out a movie…cripes! What the hell was that all about?!)

With Forrester done spewing his exposition in the previous scene, his character is now superflous so he’s perfunctorily killed off with a spear to the gut. Burt wisely continues beating feet into the jungle until he comes across a waterfall and decides now would be a good time to take off his shirt and swim around a bit. Well, it has been about 20 minutes since we’ve seen his muscles, so…..

(What about the natives? Oh, and what about your verbal agreement with the late Agent Forrester to have your bank robbery charges dropped? Too bad you didn’t get that in writing, eh, Burt?)

After Burt treats us to a few minutes of watching him splash around and flexing his massive pecs, he discovers a plate full of fruit laid out on a nearby rock. Not thinking that this strange in the least, despite the fact that Turk is out to kill him, Burt strolls over and quickly gulps down a banana.

Burt (left) and a plate of fruit.

As he enjoys his mid afternoon snack, Burt espies Savage Woman lurking around some bushes and quickly gives chase, but she’s too agile for our lumbering hero and scampers away. (Heck, she IS billed as a savage woman, right?) Oh, wait, she’s back and laughing at him while he smokes. Good lord, what the heck is going on here? Wasn’t this a movie about radio-controlled gorillas or something? Our hero finally manages to track down and overpower Savage Girl. Clasping her in his massive, manly arms, Burt asks her if she’s the Sacred Monkey. (Wow, Burt, you really have a way with the ladies…) Of course Savage Woman can’t respond because she’s Savage, duh!, so Burt christens her "Eva" and using goofy hand gestures, manages to convince her to show him where Diana is being held captive. (Because she’s savage, and she would know such things.)

Gotcha!

Cut to Albert’s luxurious headquarters: a dim, dank cave. Wow, Albert, don’t spend your $300,000 all at once. Albert’s favorite gorilla, Malik, busies himself by harassing some local natives being held in a handy jail cell. Feeling the Bad Guy’s Urge to divulge all the details of his entire evil plan to Diana, so she can use it against him at the film’s climax, Albert has Malik drag her out of her cell and over to the control panel where he gloats over his high-tech brain control device: A huge picture of a cut-away brain with a red light in the center. He’s a genius!

Albert shows Diana his Brain Control Panel

"I can take control of all humanity with this invention! I’ll be rich and powerful!" he gloats. I don’t see what being rich would matter if you already controlled all of humanity, but let’s let Albert enjoy his 15 minutes of fame.

Meanwhile, Burt and Eva approach the cave entrance from outside and trigger the intruder alert. Way to go, Eva. Albert, speaking via a loudspeaker mounted just over this secret entrance (!), informs Burt that he’ll have the "honor of being the first man to be my slave!"

Sooooo, here comes Turk, again from out of nowhere, and starts chases Burt deeper into the caverns. Eva, left to fend for herself I guess, is quickly captured by Malik and carried down to the holding cells. (Why do they foley a lion growl when Malik is around?) But, Lo! Burt manages to trick Turk by taking off a boot and sticking its toe out from behind a rock, but when he finally grabs Turk both of his boots are back on. I guess Burt had an extra boot stored somewhere.

Anyway, Burt ends up rather anti-climatically choking Turk to death and that’s that. So long, Turk, we hardly knew ye.

Oh, and here’s a clip with just that bit of the movie because, hey, that’s how much I like you!

Back in his lab Albert gloats over his latest catch: The Sacred Monkey, which as you may have guessed is actually Eva, so yay, 2 useless plot points come together. When Albert realizes that Burt has killed Turk, he orders him (over loudspeakers which must somehow have been placed throughout the entire cave complex) to come to the lab, pronto, or else he’ll give the girls to the gorillas so they can be ripped to shreds or something.

Whoa! Into the lab bursts Ursula and Theodore! They demand that Albert release Diana from the cage…so whoa! Where did they come from?!!

Held at gunpoint, Albert is forced to listen to Theodore exposit his side of the story. Oh Joy.

Yeah, Theodore went along with the plan to get Burt out of the way because he was jealous of his wife, and blah-blah-blah. Who cares? We want killer monkeys, man!

Plot twist #23: Ursula forces Theodore to drop his gun as she explains that she’s really planning on running away with Albert, not Burt. (Oh…good grief!) So let’s see:

Ursula shoots Theodore.

Ursula hits Diana.

Eva starts fighting with Ursula.

Albert shoots Ursula because he wants Eva in one piece.

I assume this scene made sense to somebody…

Right on cue, Burt walks into the lab and manages to walk right by the monkey cage where the gorillas have pulled the bars apart, but oh, he didn’t notice this. Nope. What a moron.

Once again, Burt fails to note the obvious danger

Anyhoo, the monkeys sneak out of the cage and start choking poor Burt. "Shoot the light on the panel!" Diana shouts since she knows exactly how to free the monkeys from their brain control devices…because Albert, you idiot, you told her everything when you were gloating!

Yeah, yeah, Burt shoots the light bulb which causes the monkeys to go nuts and the computer to explode. (?!)

Free of Albert’s evil electronic mind grasp, Eva regains control over the monkeys the "natural way" by shouting "Na-ha-na!" Na-ha-na!" This phrase must be monkey-speak for "kill Albert" for that’s just what they do.

Back outside, Burt leads the girls back to the boat…and, with the weird Polynesian music playing again, Diana and Burt climb aboard and abandon Eva on the shore, because she’s, you know, "savage" so it’s better for her to live in the wild where it’s full of predators and disease instead of taking her back to civilization where she can get a shirt and learn how to disco dance.

I’m outta here.

The End

Dennis Grisbeck (October 2010)

Read more about Kong Island at

Directed by Umberto Scarpelli

Written by Gino Stafford, Sabatino Cuiffini, Oreste Palella, Amabrogio Moltaeni, Umberto Scarpelli, and Emimmo Salvi (whew!)

Run Time: 92 minutes

Tagline: See! The Dwarfs of Death! See! The City Destroyed by Cataclysm! See! Women Who Live Forever! [NOTE: There are no women who live forever in this movie.]

Memorable Quote: “Only the force of inscrutable fate is powerful enough to overthrow the inflexible laws of science!”

Guest review by Sean Ledden

PROLOGUE

Perhaps it was just the workings of inscrutable fate, but shortly after Dennis posted his dizzying, delightful, and demented review of “War of the Planets,” the DVD for “Giant of Metropolis” arrived in the mail courtesy of Netflix. It had been in my queue for quite some time, and I’d forgotten why I put it there. But whatever the reason, it at last arrived. And right when I was thinking it would be fun to write another review, too. Why not something from Italy? And so I light-heartedly put the DVD into my computer and poised my fingers above the key board. But oh, dear reader, I knew not what I was doing!

For this movie is not just another “peplum” muscle-fest. On no. It’s a lethargic fever-dream of endless predictions of disaster. A swirling maelstrom of ham-fisted moralizing poorly disguised as exposition and interspersed with endless shots of people walking into, out of, and in-between rooms. It’s a faith-based screed against science, and tyranny, and the tyranny of scientific kings who use hypnotism! It’s an ardent supporter of biological reproduction (in humans!), and a stern critic of “artificial” living. It’s 80 minutes of constantly repeating preamble leading to a cardboard climax that, once it finally arrives, constantly repeats itself. Nothing happens, and yet it’s STILL confusing!

It is, in short, “Giant of Metropolis,” an awe inspiring and mind-numbing icon of low-brow Italian movie fantasy.

(THE FIRST) PREAMBLE

No sooner have the credits disappeared from the screen, when a majestic chunk of heroic exposition raises into view. It sets the stage for the epic conflict to come, so here it is, in all it’s confounding glory:

In 20,000 B.C., on the continente [sic] of Atlantis, now lost beneath the waters of the ocean, there lived a people who had developed an amazingly advanced civilization and who ruled all other people on earth…Obro, a man born in the east dared to probe the mystery of the city of death.

His gigantie [sic!] strength and courage were pitted against Yotar, the evil King, in a struggle to the finish….

…When the scientists of Metropolis attempted to penetrate the secret of death, nature rebelled, causing universal destruction…

…love alone triumphed…

…and remained the sole source of life…

Ooh, that’s quite a mouthful, but no need to panic because I’m going to walk you through it step by mystifying step. OK, at the beginning of the scroll it all seems pretty clear. We know the time is 20,000 B.C. (20,000 B.C.!!!) and the location is the “continente” of Atlantis. (I think that “continente” is a classy, European version of a continent.) Which is now “lost beneath the waters of the ocean.” Bummer. But I have to ask that you don’t try and go look for it – you’ll only be disappointed. As so many dreamers, treasure hunters, and TV documentary producers have been before. – But I digress, and I shouldn’t, for we are now told that it had developed “an amazingly advanced civilization.” Presumably this was before, and not after, it was “lost below the waters of the ocean,” even though the word order suggests otherwise. To those who wish to disagree with my evaluation, using Aquaman as proof that Atlantis did indeed develop an “amazingly advanced civilization” even after it was “lost beneath the waters of the ocean,” I wish to point out that the backdrop to the text scroll is a pretty, if clearly fake, painting of some mountains. These mountains are plainly up on dry land. Thus I feel that I am justified, through my close study of “non-textual” elements in the movie opening, in my assumption that the “continente” of Atlantis did indeed develop it’s “amazingly advanced civilization” BEFORE it was “lost beneath the waters of the ocean.” OK, are we all on the same page? Good, let’s move on.

And now, I think, our hero enters the stage! Which is good news, on the whole, yet it also means that some complications enter the scenario. We are told of Obro, a “man born in the east.” Now you, like I, might ask “Why is it important that Obro was born in the east? Why not from the west, south, or even north? And if he was born in the east, why didn’t he stay there?” And perhaps more importantly, is Obro the “giant” referred to in the title? But like the sphinx of ancient Egypt, the “Giant of Metropolis” (the movie, not the character, if there is one) remains silent and aloof, and no answer is forthcoming.

But if we don’t know why Obro was born in the east, why he left it, or even if he is the long anticipated “giant,” we at least know what he does next. He “probes” the “mystery of the city of death.” What motivation could he possibly have for such an unappealing sounding task? And what did he accomplish? These answers too are not to be found in the text scroll, but we do learn that his “gigantie strength and courage” allowed him to be “pitted” against an evil king named “Yotar,” (NOT the Thing from Venus mind you! That was Zontar.) – in a “struggle to the finish.” Why did they struggle, what was at stake, and who won? Scarpelli his co-writers ignore our pleas for information and we are whip-lashed on to the next event, which is that “the scientists of Metropolis attempted to penetrate the secret of death.”

Metropolis! At last. Could this be the “city of death” that Obro “probes?” Again, the scroll does not confirm this, but it is a reasonable deduction given what (little) we know. After all, a city whose scientists attempt to “penetrate the secret of death” could very well develop a bad reputation, thus receiving the moniker, “city of death.” Either that or it would become a popular spa town which attracted a great deal of research money from the old and the rich. Each option is a possibility, but before we have a chance to make an informed decision we are told that “nature rebelled,” (just as the harried reader is tempted to do) and “universal destruction” ensued. Which seems to imply that everybody died -which would end the movie even before it began – at least to my unimaginative mind.

On a more positive note, even though the world suffered “universal destruction” love “triumphed.” As it does in times of catastrophe, I guess. And, thank God, it “remained the sole source of life.” Which made up for the massive loss of life from the “universal destruction.” Which happened because Nature rebelled because evil King Yotar and his scientists “penetrated the secret of death,” (or “attempted” to penetrate – which implies that they failed. Which begs the question, would a failed attempt to “penetrate the secret of death” cause Nature to rebel? Quite possibly. But it seems unlikely.) This even as Obro “probed” the “mystery of the city of death.”….The result of which was that Obro and Yotar were “pitted” against each other – did anything ever become of that? Seemingly no. Which begs the question, why bring it up? Who wrote this stuff anyway? Let’s have another look at the credits, shall we:

Written by (I kid you not): Gino Stafford

Sabatino Cuiffini

Oreste Palella

Amabrogio Moltaeni

Umberto Scarpelli

And

Emimmo Salvi

Oh, OK. That didn’t help much, but maybe a short review of what we know will. Cutting out the inessentials, this is what we have:

1. A man named Obro, for unexplained reasons, left his home in the east.

2. He then “probed” the “city of death,” to no great effect.

3. Next, he “pitted” his great strength against an evil king named Yotar – neither man apparently gaining a victory.

4. The scientists of Metropolis tried, and probably failed, to “penetrate the secret of death.”

5. Almost everyone died in a natural disaster.

Not a very inspiring backstory. One wonders why they went to the trouble of recounting it…..unless, and here the mad genius of “Giant of Metropolis” first shows itself, this is no backstory, BUT THE STORY WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE. A story written by:

Written by (I kid you not): Gino Stafford

Sabatino Cuiffini

Oreste Palella

Amabrogio Moltaeni

Umberto Scarpelli

And

Emimmo Salvi

Bravo! (What must the writing “conferences” have been like? The mind boggles.)

THE STORY

So there you have it. The opening scroll, while not explaining motivations or outcomes, has just spelled out the entire plot of the movie! You might think that we can therefore stop right here. But that would be based on two assumptions:

1) I’m not masochistic enough to watch the movie.

2) I’m not sadistic enough to describe every single damn scene.

Both assumptions are wrong – so let’s get cracking!

We begin, as we often do in muscleman “peplum” fantasies, in the midst of a blasted and barren wilderness. Then we see a long line of men in period dress marching through said blasted wilderness. As a kettle drum pounds ominously in the background the old man at the head of the line collapses for no apparent reason. This causes the younger men, including one with big chest muscles, to crowd around as the old guy lets forth with lots and lots of……drum-roll…..exposition! Maybe this time the exposition will actually explain something. Here it is in its glorious entirety – because you deserve it! (Ha ha!)

Hear me my sons… My strength is waning now… My journey has ended, here… Listen carefully.

Oh for heaven’s sake, I want to scream, get to the point! We’ve already sat through the world’s longest, and most confusing non-backstory scroll, so get on with it!

I leave to you all, but to you especially Obro the duty of carrying out that mission that our people entrusted to me.

Why would anyone entrust anything to you? And who are you anyways?

On the other side of that mountain lies Metropolis. A city which has attained a terrifying civilization. You are to go and say to it’s ruler, and to it’s people, that they are wrong.

Whoever this guy is, he certainly has a lot of nerve. Has he ever even been to Metropolis?

They should never use their knowledge of science to defeat the ends of Nature. To sow destruction and death. They shouldn’t try to change the natural order.

It’s unclear if he’s talking about genetically modified food, runaway military spending, or cross-dressing. Maybe all three? (Academic Note: Did cross dressing have any meaning before the invention of pants?)

Otherwise Nature will have her revenge. They are challenging forces they cannot control. If they continue we will have a tremendous disaster….. ugh, ugh ……(and he dies.)

Would you follow this man to tell a terrifying civilization that it is wrong?

Alrighty then. We’re 5 minutes into the movie and the first character we’ve actually met has just died. Did we learn anything new? Not really, although note how Scarpelli & Co. cleverly remind us of the upcoming disaster, in case we forgot we read all about it 90 seconds ago. Note too how the “good guys” seem to have traveled a long way from an unthreatened home to lecture, and possibly attack, a city because it is “wrong.” Their actions are justified because some crazy old guy knows, just knows , that by challenging the “natural order” Metropolis will bring down a tremendous disaster. No one, including his hunky son Obro thinks to ask how he knows this.

Speaking of Obro, I think this is a good place to say he is played by an appealing chunk of B-Movie Beefcake named Gordon Mitchell. He is not the handsomest of men. Nor is he the finest actor. But Gordon does have something more than muscles to recommend him. It’s a complete lack of that “I’m the handsomest guy in the senior class” smarminess that makes me want to punch so many B-Movie heroes right in their gorgeous kissers. I’ll take Gordon’s wooden earnestness any day.

Back to the movie and the “electrifying” Obro. (Ha ha!) After earnestly, if woodenly burying his father, Obro attempts, in his own low key way, to get the protest rally, or raiding party, or whatever the hell it is, back on the road to victory. But he is thwarted by a surprising revolt from his swinish second in command. He tells Obro that everyone else is turning back. His “reasons” for this are that his men are exhausted and depressed. And he has no wish to challenge the power of Metropolis, which was just described as “terrifying.” Well, that sounds reasonable to me, but of course they are really proof of the man’s treachery!

This would seem a good chance to prove that Obro is indeed a giant among men – one capable of inspiring others with his leadership. But that would be too conventional! Too trite! Too dramatic! Obro doesn’t even try to convince his followers that what they are doing is worthwhile. Instead he gives the traitor a look of cow-like dullness and turns away. He and his brothers then continue on their mission. Whether this is brave or stupid, I’ll leave you to judge. (SIDE NOTE: Obro has a heroic physique, while his brothers have ordinary builds. Yet they are the ones saddled with heavy backpacks full of provisions, and not he!)

Suddenly, we cut to Metropolis – finally! – and to evil king Yotar himself. (Yotar is played with cool impassivity by Roldano Lupi. According to his IMDB record, playing foreign tyrants was something of a specialty for him. He twice played Genghis Khan himself!) But do we get any action now that we are in the big city? No. What we get is a research committee’s progress report. Which means, you guessed it, more exposition! But alas, the report isn’t so good. “Important astral movements” are creating “physiological conditions” which demand the postponement of a brain transplant into the head of Yotar’s son Elmos, “for a while.” ( Brain transplant?) That’s good news for poor Elmos, whoever he is, but this reprieve only adds to the sense of futility that is pervading the movie so far. Let’s review:

1. Some crazy old guy dies in the desert before he can cuss out the big city.

2. His son Obro is unable to convince the major part of his party to continue.

3. Yotar will have to postpone transplanting a brain into the head of his son Elmos.

Can’t anyone in this movie get ANYTHING done? Wait, I complained too soon, there IS some good news. Another scientist pipes in that “None of the other experiments need be postponed in the meantime.” Yotar, being a cool customer, as every evil king must, doesn’t jump up and down at this news. He calmly asks “Do your expectations also extend to the case of Egan?” This is the answer he gets, “The attempt to restore the body of Egan, the chief of our people, to life could not be postponed in any case. Even if cosmological conditions should prove to be unfavorable.” ….What??? (SIDE NOTE: Given the fancy way that Yotar and his scientists speak, I think it’s safe to assume they all went to college. Booo!!!)

Yotar hears his research committee’s progress report in some sort of giant observatory room. This and the other striking sets were designed by Giorgio Giovannini. His work is a pleasure to behold and the best thing about “Giant of Metropolis.”

Wait a minute – Egan is the “chief?” I thought Yotar was the king! Oh, never mind, I guess the important information here is that cosmological conditions really aren’t that important when it comes to scheduling body regenerations and brain transplants. I’m relieved to hear this, but confused as to why they will none-the-less postpone Elmos’ brain transplant. Which is odd because Yotar goes on to state, “Above all I’m worried about the experiments on Elmos. He will be the first youth to have the wide experience and the accumulated wisdom that here-to-fore could be found only in the brain of an elderly man.” Oh, OK. But actually, I think I’d turn that around and say, “For the first time the brain of an elderly man will enjoy the body of a youth.” I mean, can a youth who has his brain removed really be said to have the “experience and the accumulated wisdom” of an elderly man? I invite readers to debate this issue with friends and family. Possibly at the dinner table!

Now we jump back to the barren wastes, through which Obro and his brothers continue to wordlessly trudge.

Then it’s back to the scientists of Metropolis as they track our heroes on some sort of prehistoric radar. “As soon as they are within the radius of action, maneuver them into the magnetic traps!” commands their leader. “Maneuvering” Obro and his brothers into the magnetic traps proves to be extremely easy. All the scientists do is wait until they blunder into the target area. At which point Obro seems to wake from a trance and yells “Stop!” to his brothers as some sort of white, misty super-imposed tornado- thing descends on them.

In the movie’s first “action” scene our heroes clutch their throats, gag, and fall to the ground. When Obro wakes up he makes a horrifying discovery. His brothers have been reduced to…..SKELETONS! He, of course, is completely OK. (???) And not wanting to waste any more time burying his dead brothers, he resumes trudging toward the city.

Time for another progress report back at Metropolis! We find Yotar looming over a body on an examination table while one of his lackey geniuses boasts that Egan, the man on the table, is in a state of regeneration. “And if our prognostications are scientifically correct, (!!) before long the great miracle will be performed. He will be restored to life.”

Evil king Yotar contemplates the regenerating body of Egan, “chief” of his people.

Evil king Yotar confirms that the body of Egan, “chief” of his people, is indeed regenerating.

Lest the innocent viewer think that bringing a man back to life is a good thing, another scientist jumps forward and declaims, “Like all successes of science that have been achieved before, this also is due to the pitiful sacrifice of one of the humans we have kept under observation. He was 100 years old.” (Booo!) As we ponder the horror of a man cut down in the prime of life in the name of scientific research, Yotar pipes in with, “What does the sacrifice of a man matter when it serves to further the progress of science? Nothing!” At this point he should break into a maniacal laugh, but sadly does not.

Just at this moment another scientist/priest type guy (none of these guys have names!) comes in with the news that a stranger, Obro, has mysteriously survived the “whirlwinds of death.” At which news Yotar hits us over the head with a central theme of the movie by jumping to an astonishingly paranoid conclusion, “Can there be a blood stronger then our own? Perhaps we are confronting an entirely new force in the world surrounding us.” And on his orders Obro is captured – with surprising ease. (By the way, what about the blood of Obro’s brothers?)

At which point we cut to Yotar’s palace where we finally meet Elmos. He’s an adorable little tyke of about 12 years in age, and he just tugs on your heart strings when he asks Yotar why he can never leave the palace and play outside in the sunshine. Yotar’s answer is that he plans to give his son and heir eternal youth – so that Elmos can reign over the entire world for “ever and ever.” (With someone else’s brain???) Elmos isn’t impressed by his father’s unhealthy ambitions, but his pleas for release are interrupted by news that Obro has been brought to the palace.

Another striking image as Obro is brought before Yotar.

Soon Obro, in chains, is dragged into Yotar’s throne room. Commanded to kneel he finally shows some fire and growls, “King of Metropolis, you use science to murder people!” He completes the mission his father gave to him by warning Yotar that he is “doomed by the terrible power which you possess.” And all revved up, he delivers a prophecy of the destruction already described by the opening scroll.

In answer Yotar haughtily boasts that he has enslaved the entire earth, (though we never see any proof of that in this movie) and that nothing can destroy him. Then he banishes Obro to the “quartz mine.” After he is dragged away a high official warns Yotar to have him killed immediately, because his mere presence might cause the scientists to doubt the virtue of their endeavors. (Huh?) Yotar will have none of that however. He wants to subject Obro to “all” of their experiments, of both a “physical and scientific nature.” (???) For if Obro can survive all that, “we can at last create the perfect being.” Again, sadly, no maniacal laughter. But we are treated to a 20 second long interlude where we watch members of the court walk away from Yotar. Thrilling!

The queen (played by the lovely Liana Orfei, who reminds me of Julie Newmar) doesn’t leave, however. Frightened by the failure of the “whirlwinds of death” to kill Obro, she now doubts the success of the operation on Elmos, and begs that he be returned to her. In response Yotar gives her the evil hypnotic eye, a la Lugosi, and basically tells her to shut up. Turning to the woman next to her, he helpfully explains to the viewer that she is Mercede (the also lovely Bella Cortez), child of his first wife, who sacrificed herself because she had faith in his scientific knowledge. (….The fact that his first wife’s faith in his scientific knowledge led to her death doesn’t seem to strike Yotar as a failure. Way to stay positive guy!) And even though Mercede hasn’t uttered a peep, he commands her to shut up too. Which leads to a 30 second interlude (30 seconds!) showing the two women slinking slowly away. – Which leads to a 15 second interlude in which Yotar himself walks away from the throne. – In…cre…da….ble.

But wait, there’s more! A 15 second interlude showing Yotar ENTERING some kind of rocky chamber! Before we have a chance to catch our breaths from this change of scene Yotar’s father, sitting in front of an artfully lit patch of fog, begs Yotar to stop his experiments. (Poor Yotar. First it’s Elmos, then it’s Obro, then it’s his queen, and now it’s dad. Nobody appreciates him.) Yotar defends himself by saying he is merely continuing the work that his father began, but dad will have none of that. While he “created” their civilization, Yotar is “destroying” it. (Thanks dad! No wonder Yotar has father issues.) And as we notice that dad has some serious and unexplained skin problems, he goes on to tell us that it is HIS brain cells that Yotar wants to inject into Elmos. “It’s monstrous….why not let me die in peace?” True to form, Yotar refuses to stop, but the movie’s pace increases, and it only takes him 10 seconds to leave his father’s cave. (Whenever anyone enters a room, leaves a room, or marches through a barren wasteland in this movie I can practically hear the ticking of an old-fashioned grandfather clock…..tick…tock….tick….tock….tick….tock….etc., etc., etc.,…..)

SIDE NOTE: I’m getting the feeling that asking this script for logic and consistency is a waste of time, but what the heck will happen with dad and Elmos? Is it a brain transplant or merely a brain cell injection? Would dad’s brain even fit into a boy’s skull? Sigh. So many questions…

Next comes a baffling scene as we cut to the city’s main square where a man, apropos nothing, turns to the camera and says “More than to the populace, who have always shown me affection, I am grateful to the king for restoring me to life.” Huh? Oh, this must be Egan, “chief” of the people. We’ll have to take their affection for him on faith though, because now they are just standing silently in the background. No cheering. No celebrations of any kind. Their blasé attitude is particularly amazing because I believe Egan is supposed to be the first man successfully brought back to life! Even Egan isn’t happy, “All my joy is overclouded with apprehension for Elmos.” I guess it’s Everyone Rag On Yotar Day.

Then it’s back to the throne room, where we spend 15 seconds watching the chained Obro approach Yotar. After some appropriate taunting, Yotar pits Obro against “a creature” whose strength is greater than his! Said creature turns out to be a fat, hairy caveman armed with the large jaw bone of some plant eating animal, and finally this heavy morality play is enlivened by some comedy as the fight to the death devolves into some sort of hugging contest.

Bear hug!

A fat, hairy caveman armed with a jaw bone is the best that the terrifying science of Metropolis can come up with??? Unsurprisingly, Obro wins, though he is unable to break free from the guards. Disquieted, Yotar leaves the throne room and spends 25 seconds walking down a stairway into the main square (tick….tock….tick….tock) where the populace is gathered to greet him. At his signal a bell chimes and the entire crowd starts raising and lowering their arms in unison. This is either some sort of zombie salute or Japanese-style group calisthenics. (Rim shot!) Forgetting Obro for the moment Yotar gloats that the subdued people can now be molded into a superior race.

Back in the throne room, (and amazingly, we don’t see him walk there) Yotar exults, “This night the full moon is our queen.” But aaah, here’s our walking scene, for he takes 15 seconds to walk down the stairs and across the room. (tick….tock….tick….tock) After which he babbles something about a “physical union” being forced on a bunch of zombified young people we’ve never seen before. As Yotar rattles on we become aware he is planning some sort of creepy Sun-Yung Moon style group marriage for his listless zombies. To add insult to injury the men are dressed in ridiculous white thongs & cowl outfits. He then takes 18 seconds (tick…tock…tick…tock) to walk back to his throne…and sit down. Now I’m feeling pretty zombified myself, but I’m jerked awake by Yotar’s command of “Mercede!”

She enters the throne room with two trim male dancers, and the three hapless performers give an imitation of a modern dance recital held in Greenwich Village – on Halloween. It’s all very, very embarrassing. And when it’s done the seemingly underwhelmed Yotar takes 20 seconds to….get…up…off…the…throne…

and….go …to…the…door.

The Mass Wedding Moon Queen Dance!

Perhaps more than anything else, the outfits of the grooms tell us that what is happening here is just plain wrong.

Perhaps inspired by his new eugenics program, Yotar Enters another door (yes!) and attempts to sweep his unhappy queen off her feet with the immortal lines, “You are in my power. And I love you!” Queen Cheesecake rebukes him with a stinging feminist critique of his motives, “No. You desire only to possess my body. And you want to destroy every vestige of my will. But I refuse to let you Yotar.” You tell him girl! She rubs salt in the wound by adding, “I loath you!” But like the good male chauvinist that he is, Yotar merely stares at her and repeats “I want you!” Queen Cheesecake, mysteriously unable to run, fight, or do anything but cry, lets him have his way with her….And the yucky little scene fades out.

The movie takes a break from the endless walking from room to room to ogle Queen Cheesecake.

Yotar’s next piece of entertainment is another battle for the captive Obro. This time with armed prehistoric pygmies who “rip off your flesh with their teeth!” And so we are all treated to a lengthy scene of Obro tossing a bunch of little men about as they bite him on the back, arms, and legs – now that’s entertainment! But again, this is the best that the terrifying science of Atlantis can come up with? The weirdness continues when the pygmies get the best of Obro and pin him to the ground with pointy sticks. (Man, this guy is victimized so often he’s like the heroine of a Lifetime Channel for Women movie.) Yotar then commands them to spare him (!?), and…he…walks…out…of…the…room. (Tick…tock…tick…tock.)

Entering another room (Man this guy gets around!), Yotar is greeted by another one of his nameless scientist lackeys. He informs him that the earth’s molten core is “tending” to raise to the surface. This will lead to “new craters of volcanic origin” pumping loads of “heavy vapor” into the atmosphere. To confirm this Yotar looks into a kind of reverse periscope that looks down on a bubbling sand pit covered with dry ice fog. Satisfied the molten core really is raising he gets the inspiration to harness this power to make Atlantis even more powerful. But how to do it? He determines to consult the “the old cave dweller.” By which he means, I think, his father.

Yotar then walks about 20 feet away from the periscope and consults the old man – who isn’t his father, but a completely new character. Oops! When asked to “explain this strange phenomenon” the gaunt old man becomes the 100 th person to issue Yotar a dire, long-winded warning. They are all in for “days of terror,” because (I think, the old guy is hard to understand) all of the energy extracted so far has put a great strain on the shell of the earth. (!) A side note – the only things I’ve seen so far that require energy are the “whirlwinds of death” and the automatic doors that Yotar is always using. Otherwise Metropolis seems a very eco-friendly place. There are no factories, planes, trains, or even cars, flying or otherwise. Everyone walks to where they want to go. In fact, I’m not even sure the wheel has been invented yet! None-the-less, they are responsible for putting the earth’s shell in jeopardy. Because they use – SCIENCE!!!

The old cave dweller begs Yotar not to ask the earth’s shell to withstand more than it “was meant to,” or it will exact a “horrifying revenge.” You’ll be shocked at Yotar’s reply, “No! The same way science has been able to keep you alive for two centuries it will be able to control any force unleashed by the powers of nature.”…Oh Yotar, you arrogant fool, you have been blinded by – SCIENCE!!! (But isn’t the old cave dweller a scientist? And isn’t his warning based on scientific study? Oh, never mind.)

Having put the old cave dweller in his place, Yotar spends a leisurely 20 seconds ( aaaaccckkk! ) walking across the examination room where he had Egan, rather pointlessly, “regenerated.” And where Obro is now shackled to the table. The scene is ripe with gruesome possibilities but all we get is EVEN MORE heavy handed dialogue about the coming catastrophe as a suddenly uncertain Yotar heckles Obro on his earlier predictions of doom.

The noble Obro counters that he is a messenger of hope, and that there is still time to save Metropolis. If only Yotar were not blinded by ambition and cruelty. But Yotar, blinded by ambition and cruelty, vows to destroy him. After he just spared him. And to prove his bizarre change of heart he shines a bright light in Obro’s face, causing Obro to cry out in agony. (Science!!!) And then we return to the throne room for another, sigh, test of Obro’s strength. Which is a beam of light which he must “stand up under.” No kidding!

Obro bears up under the brutal beam of light.

Watching Obro struggle under the terrible burden of a spot light, Yotar finally gives us his maniacal laugh. I’d cheer, only all the joy in living has been drained from me as I’ve watched Yotar pointlessly walk from point A to point B. Then back to point A. THEN to point C. Next back to point B, and then – oh, you get the point. (ha ha!)

Next comes the trial of the “goading rays.” This goes on for some time, and who’s being tortured more, Obro or the viewer?

Obro is goaded by the goading rays. “AUUAUUAGHAAAUGH!”

Next, “rays that freeze you!” And these finally do the trick as Obro collapses. And yet, he is still alive because, according to the mysteriously authoritative opinion of Yotar’s chief lackey, “He is endowed with vitality above the ordinary. His blood is a rarity that should not be wasted.” Yotar agrees – reversing his earlier change of heart about killing him, and returning, again, to a determination to keep him alive. Are you following all of this? It’s easy if you visualize watching a schizophrenic play tennis with himself. At any rate, Yotar decides that Obro’s blood will help with Elmos’ (delayed) brain transplant. At some point in an unspecified future. And, no doubt feeling a sense of accomplishment in reversing his earlier change of heart he…..walks… slowly… away. And…cut.

Are you ready to scream “uncle” yet? Are you??? Because we are only 38 minutes into a 90 minute movie – HA HAHA HA HA! – Sorry, I’m better now. And to make amends here’s a short intermission. Feel free to visit the concession stand!

INTERMISSION TIME!

But the intermission, like all good things, must pass, and we are now back at the movie. Perhaps something is finally about to happen, because we find Queen Cheesecake in her chambers where she is plotting with Egan to stop Elmos’ transplant. Something does indeed happen. Commanded to find a “strong and trustworthy man,” Egan LEAVES THE ROOM. Then Mercede ENTERS THE ROOM, and we get more dialogue as Queen Cheesecake attempts to persuade her step-daughter to rebel against Yotar. For once I shall be merciful and spare the reader a full account of this scintillating exchange. I’ll only note that Queen Cheesecake is strangely convinced that the oft victimized and seemingly unskilled Obro is the only man capable of defeating Yotar. For her part Mercede can’t agree to oppose her father because she’s “all alone” and has “never had anyone else to love.” Then she cries…….what a family!

And it’s back to the operating room – with Obro again shackled to the table! Now it’s Queen Cheesecake’s turn to walk across the room. And she does it gloriously! Staring down at the helpless muscleman she tells him she will set him free – right in front of Yotar’s guards! They do nothing (!) as Egan and two of the Queen’s slaves take Obro to “the secret cave of the giants.” A secret cave with giants! But while said cave is giant-free, Obro does end up spending time in them, so perhaps this is where the title comes from. Just a theory, of course.

Realizing he has been betrayed, Yotar has the strangely treasonous guard on duty brought to the throne room. Without bothering to ask who put him up to it, Yotar brings out more torture by spot light, and the guard dies.

Down at the secret cave we get a bizarre exchange where Egan explains to Obro that while he is one of the few men left in Metropolis with a free will, he can’t rebel against Yotar because his existence is “artificial.” (???) No, it’s up to Obro to fight the good fight. You know, it’s bad enough when this movie doesn’t explain things, but it’s worse when it does.

Rightly fearing Yotar’s weapons, Obro fears he can do nothing. But Egan promises to disable the weapons. (So…doesn’t that mean he IS rebelling?) All Obro has to do is overcome all the guards. Piece of cake! Only this task too daunts “Mr. No Can Do” Obro, who thinks they are too many. Not if you take them out one by one in the streets at night, counters the crafty Egan. Again Obro declines. He doesn’t want to kill anyone. Which is really nice! Especially after he’s been tortured. But Egan has no such scruples, and insists Obro get his hands dirty, as it were. Then Egan walks out of the room. (tick….tock…tick…tock)

The chief lackey, meanwhile, is also walking. Walking towards Yotar, who is back in those caves. There he tells him that they have yet to discover who helped Obro escape……and…..cut! (Great scene!)

Now we’re back outside in the blasted wilderness were we began – oh God. A trap door opens in the ground and out climbs Egan and Obro. When asked why he’s never told anyone else in Metropolis about this secret escape hatch (good question!) Egan explains that the “artificial” (?) existence Yotar has somehow “imposed” on the people of Metropolis has deprived them of all ability to resist. He continues, “Before we can save them we must first of all destroy the ruthless creatures who keep them in slavery. I think the time is propitious for you to begin your mission as a terrorist.” And this time he gets no argument from Obro….WOW!

Obro, out in his natural element.

Back at the caves Yotar gets (drumroll………) MORE DIRE WARNINGS, as the Old Cave Dweller starts babbling that the “signs of the heavens” warn against Elmos’ transplant. That’s because Obro has escaped – and he “has the force which comes from nature!” (What the heck is that, by the way?. B.O.?) Yotar vows that Obro will die…..and leaves…..and cut. (That was a great scene!)

Now it’s nighttime in Metropolis, and Obro, aided by a citizen with a mysteriously free will, climbs out from under the giant foot of a statue. He and his helper both attack a bunch of guards, and we get a welcome slapstick break from the endless predictions of disaster. Both Obro and his helper get their licks in, but just as a final victory seems assured the last remaining guard prepares to throw a spear at Obro. The helper jumps in front and takes the spear, and now something interesting almost happens. Turns out the hard-fighting helper was one of Queen Cheesecake’s slave girls! Now aware that the traitor might be his own queen, Yotar utters what sounds like “Texan. Texan!” …..and he walks out of the room. And….down a corridor….and down some stairs…..and through a hallway….and into a pillared chamber of some sort.

TIME OUT! – Wait a minute here. Queen Cheesecake is equipped with deadly fighting slave girls! Why hasn’t she launched a coup? Why hasn’t she done anything?? Ack! – And don’t worry, we won’t find anymore kick-ass women warriors in this movie so a golden opportunity has just be squandered.

“Texan!” snarls Yotar. Oh – It’s his queen. Her name is Texan! Or something. And now she exults to see her cruel master “trembling” with fear. I don’t see the trembling, but I’ll take her word for it. And when pressed to reveal Obro’s whereabouts she goes off the deep end and says he’s everywhere, and invisible, and invincible! Poor thing, she’s been pushed over the edge. And putting a “dying curse” on Yotar commits suicide with a poisoned blade. Pretty heavy. It gets worse when Mercede, who has been lurking out in the hallway, gives herself away. “Bring her back!” orders the evil Yotar.

And now, for the first time we see people RUNNING, not walking, down a hallway. It’s like the sun has just come out after a long winter! And Obro finally gets to act the hero as he quickly overpowers the guards and carries a fainting Mercede to safety. Where she plays the classic heroine and falls sobbing into his arms. (Why not?)

COUNT DOWN OF DOOM: At this point the movie still has nearly 40 minutes to go!

BOOONNNNNGGGG!

(That’s the sound of a giant gong being struck by a muscular slave.)

Speaking of a countdown to doom, lets cut back to the observatory, where Yotar’s scientist-lackeys have something gloomy to tell him. – After, of course, he walks across the room and up onto his throne. (tick…tock…tick…tock) Looking s-l-o-w-l-y around the room Yotar demands that they speak up. But they say nothing, and this gives him the chance to walk back across the room – and I have to keep myself from banging my head against the wall.

Finally, one of them has the courage to speak up, and we get some priceless goobly-gook about “unforeseen developments in the orbiting of the planets” upsetting the “normal equilibrium of the forces of the inter-planetary scale.” This will drastically change the entire solar system! And as a result, the axis of the earth will shift 90 degrees, in “another direction.” Which, I guess, will be much worse than if it shifted 90 degrees in the same direction. But I digress. Let’s get back to the prophesies of doom. Violent earthquakes will follow, and the ocean will submerge “whole continents.” Worse, Metropolis, “basing it’s existence and it’s great power on the energy extracted from the very center of the earth itself, is condemned to disappear. The blazing furnace over which we have built our city will be fatal.”

TIME OUT! OK, the movie’s been constantly screaming at us that it’s all the fault of Yotar’s science, but really now. A postponed brain transplant destabilizes the entire solar system??? Besides which, as described, the oncoming disaster is now inevitable, so only a massive effort to prepare for it makes any sense. So what does our cast of characters do? Read on!

“Unforeseen developments in the orbiting of the planets have upset in a most serious manner the normal equilibrium of the forces of the inter-planetary scale!” (If only those developments had been foreseen!)

Yotar, egged on by the six feverish minds who wrote this epic suddenly regains his courage and denies that Metropolis can be destroyed, so he refuses the advise – of his SCIENTISTS – to emigrate to higher ground. So while an escaped muscleman fills him with dread, the prospect of the entire solar system spinning the world like a top leaves him unmoved…..interesting. Yotar also accuses his scientists of losing “faith” in their power to wield science – because of Obro. (???) And he insists, without any evidence, that they must know enough to save Metropolis. And with that he….walks out of the room. And….cut.

I think I’ve discovered the problem here. Yotar is clinically insane.

What, if anything, the scientists do to try to save Metropolis we don’t know, for we return to the more pressing job of searching for Obro, the terrorist. This requires the guards to….walk down corridors and out across the square! Which in turn forces Obro and Egan to SNEAK down corridors and lurk behind pillars. Behind one such pillar Egan promises to show Obro the “Hall of Arts & Sciences.” (This is probably where the “artificial” citizens of Metropolis hold their award ceremonies.) There he is to kill all the guards, “without mercy.” And this Obro, armed with that big animal jaw, does. More slapstick!

COUNT DOWN OF DOOM: The movie now has 30 minutes remaining!

BOOONNNNNGGGG!

After we see Yotar once more harangue his guards about capturing Obro, and Mercede, we cut to the next act of terrorism. This time it’s a pitched battle out in the courtyard, with Obro wielding a pair of branches that are shaped like giant claws. More slapstick! And boy, the wheels are finally coming off as the movie rushes from one professional wrestling event to the next.

TIME OUT! Perhaps it strikes you, as it does me, that the guards of this super advanced civilization are armed with nothing but spears? Just saying….

Back in his hideout, and exhausted by his fight, Obro groans as Mercede dabs his wounds with a wet cloth. She also cheers him on with defeatist talk of Yotar’s invincibility. Stung, Obro accuses her of still being under her father’s sway. And here she gets kind of needy and clingy, and goes into a big schpiel about how she has to fight off her father’s influence whenever he leaves her alone. To this he barks that her “heart is empty” and her “soul is dead.” Good gravy! When she protests this isn’t so he rewards her with this interesting proclamation: “Your despair proves that you are still alive.” (My despair, on the other hand, proves that I’m still watching this movie. Yuk, yuk !) And things keep getting weirder and weirder with Obro and Mercede.

SHE

Tomorrow. How do you think I could have any idea of the meaning of this word? (???) For in my position I was unaware of the future. I only wanted to conform. (So she’s a typical High School student. But you know, it’s only a phase, so nothing to worry about.) But now I want to live! (See? I told you!)

HE

I love you Mercede! (That was fast!) You’re made like I am. (She’s a guy, in drag?)

SHE

Show me what it is to live Obro!

And…..fade to the afterglow.

Obro shows Mercede what it is to live! Hubba, hubba.

Back to the afterglow, and some “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” chitchat.

SHE

Will you tell me of the land in which you live?

HE

There’s nothing else to tell you. You know all about it now. (WOW!)

But she presses him, and so he rhapsodizes about a land where the king has no power to say who can marry who. Which sounds good! “We obey the laws of another. A superior being.” He continues, reminding us that this movie was written by staunch Catholics. Obro finishes by promising to take Mercede away to his world – which I understand from earlier dialogue is ruled over by her father. So…….

Back at the palace, Yotar looks at his young son Elmos while a scientist says, and I include his statement because I want to make sure you GET THE POINT – “You have asked the scientists of Metropolis to provide the ultimate proof of your power. We are prepared.” (YES. There WILL be a test, AFTER the review! And SORRY about all the CAPITAL LETTERS. I’m GOING a little CRAZY.)

Faced with the final choice of “life or death” for his son, Yotar hesitates and asks if his lackey is sure the operation will be a success. Here’s the answer he gets, “Only the force of inscrutable fate is powerful enough to overthrow the inflexible laws of science!” I think I’m going to have that framed and hang it on the wall!

The answer works for Yotar. And though he has a poignant look on his face he leads the cheerful little boy to the operating room with promises of an outdoor play session. (Booo!)

TIME OUT! By the way, is anyone paying attention to the molten core about to erupt? Or the unbalanced solar system? Anyone?

In the operating room, or the Hall of Arts & Sciences, I think they call it (!), a body is lowered away below the operating table while a lackey intones, “Go in peace to the world of shades venerable father of Yotar. Your death will mean the joy of eternal youth for Elmos.”

TIME OUT! EXCUSE ME , but doesn’t this operation mean death for Elmos, and life for the brain of Yotar’s father? Isn’t that what makes it so horrible? And how can a brain transplant give Elmos eternal youth? What the hell is going on here?

Now Yotar hands his son, who is about to enjoy death, or eternal youth, or something, off to some medical technicians, and I’m completely confused as to what I should feel. Let’s review: Yotar, to fulfill his boundless ambition, is about to give his son, the future king of Atlantis, eternal youth. Or he is about to give the brain of his father, presumably with wisdom, consciousness and memories intact, eternal youth. And the kingship of Atlantis….Why doesn’t Yotar give HIMSELF eternal youth and the kingship of Atlantis? Surely that would provide the ultimate proof of his power.

Oh never mind. Elmos is crying pitifully as he’s strapped to the table – so I should feel bad about it. This scene, it’s feverish, sweaty hands firmly grasping the heartstrings, goes on and on and on. Then we cut away from the horror of the operating room to Obro and Mercede frolicking in some dry scrub land. The music grows melodic. He grins. She simpers, and gushes on and on about the sky, and the flowers. They’re still in the afterglow. And it’s time for another confusing detail, as she tells Obro that no one in Metropolis has ever seen a blue sky. It is, of course, the “fault of our scientists.” And you’ve heard this all before, but the movie makers keep hammering away at their central idea, so Obro adds, “None of the achievements of the scientists of Metropolis are of use. There isn’t a single thing they do that is for the good of humanity!” Again, wow.

Obro and Mercede embrace, but before that can lead to anything she hears a signal from Metropolis indicating that something important is happening, (ha, ha – yea, right) and they both hurry off through the dry scrub land that has become their Eden.

COUNT DOWN OF DOOM: Twenty minutes remain in the movie.

BOOONNNNNGGGG!

Back at the operating table, the disaster predicted by the stars begins as dry ice fog starts creeping over the floor. “Soon we’ll have the first of the earthquakes. We must hurry!” says a nameless scientist. – No evacuation to higher ground for him! At the same time Egan makes a last ditch effort to dissuade Yotar from the operation. This causes Yotar to insist that Elmos won’t die. Which acquits him of deliberately murdering his son, at least. Although I still have no idea what’s supposed to happen.

As Yotar and Egan continue their debate the dubbing gets worse and worse, until the words coming out of their mouths have no seeming connection to their faces.

In one hilarious instance Yotar’s mouth continues to move for a full second or two after his words stop. It is one small consolation for having endured the movie up to this point, and I accept it gratefully.

Back to the argument. Egan has really got up on his high horse, and he confesses his betrayal in helping Obro to Yotar. As Yotar reacts with the expected rage Egan, like Queen Cheesecake before him goes over the edge and declares, “You can kill Yotar, and destroy. But you are about to see the day when you will realize the enormous power of creation. And vanquishing death is impossible!” …..I’m not sure what that means, but it floors Yotar. Who lets Egan walk out of the room alive.

Get ready to have your heartstrings pulled again, as we go back to Elmos’ operation, where it appears that the fiendish scientists are giving him a heat-lamp treatment. Doesn’t that just burn you up? (Rim shot!) (Sorry.) Oh, we’re back to Egan, who – oh my God – is walking through the hallways. He stops! He looks around, and here we get a slow 360 degree pan around the empty set that lasts for 25 seconds. Alfred Hitchcock, eat your heart out! OK, so all is clear – until a couple of guards sneak up and bloodlessly kill him with giant pruning shears. – Goodbye Egan, we hardly knew you.

Back in the hideout, Obro paces about and intuits, too late, that Egan is in peril. Refusing Mercede’s offer to come along, he starts pushing on the trap door that leads up into the city…..and cut to Yotar pacing around a dry ice fogged throne room. Out of the ether comes his dead (?) father’s voice, taunting him, again, with prophecies of his ruin and disgrace. “The wrath of Nature will punish you for your crimes.” Trying to justify himself, Yotar explains, “Science has taken your life from you. But your mind will continue to live on in Elmos. And you too shall know immortality.” ….So he’s dead, but his mind will live on. Yea. Right. Anyways, all this does is inspire his father’s shade to materialize on the throne. Fitting symbolism, I guess. From there he lectures Yotar about God. “Yotar, Yotar! A mysterious force dominates the universe. It lies far beyond the scope of any human mind. It shall remain impenetrable. The power of death shall never be vanquished!”….then he vanishes. And a stricken Yotar, suddenly as needy as his daughter Mercede, begs him to come back. That’s when Obro enters the room.

Yotar gets another heaping helping of insult – and it would be extremely tiresome if the dubbing didn’t out do itself in awfulness. At this point the voice actor, perhaps maddened by the repetitive, ham-fisted dialogue, doesn’t even try to match his voice to Gordon’s performance. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it! But there is one interesting thing about Obro’s dialogue – he insists that Metropolis will never be destroyed! (If you’re wondering why an American actor is badly dubbed in the English version of an Italian movie, see the DVD Notes at the end of this review.)

Less surprisingly, Obro goes on to say he has to kill Yotar in order to free the people. And here we have a singular fight as Obro attacks with some sort of large, plastic feather duster, while Yotar defends himself with, seriously, a large ornamental fan! Obro gains the upper hand and is about to kill Yotar with the very non-lethal looking stick when Mercede runs in begging for mercy. As Obro hesitates fresh guards enter the room and Yotar runs to them with orders to kill Obro. Which means more slapstick. And at this point even the slapstick is getting dull. At any rate, Obro is outnumbered, so it’s back to jail for him, and for Mercede.

Obro and the Feather Duster of Death!

The increasingly bi-polar Yotar goes back to the cave with the periscope. Looking into to it he sees rocks and stuff coming up at him as an ominous rumble fills the space. Walking over to the ancient old coot who lives down there (why???) he gets YET ANOTHER dire warning. And then the old coot….dies. Good bye old coot. We hardly knew you.

The end approacheth! (Hurray!!!)

Yotar’s response? More walking! Even as dark clouds hang over the city, thunder rumbles on the soundtrack, and Elmo’s never-ending heat-lamp treatment continues in the operating room. When are they going to do something? Oh, never, because the chief surgeon suspends the operation. With some long rigamarole about lessened radiation particles, a nameless doctor explains to Yotar that Elmos’ life is in danger.

At the operating table Elmos, the adorable little tyke, perks up when he sees Yotar and begs his father to let him see the sky, even as soft music wells up on the soundtrack. Taking his son in his arms the stricken looking Yotar carries him out of the operating room and – oh God Dammit! – down a long, long hallway. Then into the observatory where Elmos can see the sky.

COUNT DOWN OF DOOM: Ten minutes remain in the movie.

BOOONNNNNGGGG!

Elmos likes the sky, but innocently burbles, “Why does it have to be red?” I start to groan, because now we’re all going to hear, for the 1000 th time why it has to be red. Reprieved! Before Yotar speaks Elmos asks to look out another window. Phew! And Yotar slowly walks over towards that other window, (tick…tock…tick…tock.) (rumble…rumble…rumble)…and silently looks out.

(That was a really great scene!)

Down in the dungeon Obro and Mercede are both tied to a pillar and talking their heads off. Something about being “sorry” and “having courage,” but at this point I’m starting to feel light headed and I’m not sure what it’s all about. Wait a minute, I just perked up because Obro says this, “(Yotar) is not evil, he’s only blinded by science.” Hurray, He actually said that! Then it’s back to more yammering about what can never be as the camera drifts off over the walls until we see Yotar, still walking the corridors, and still carrying Elmos. Don’t his feet ever get sore? Oh well, no time to worry about that now, for the captain of the guards comes and reports that the people are becoming unruly, the magnetic fields no longer work, and the ocean is rising. At last! And Yotar, noble at last, tells the guard captain to save Elmos and hands him over. (The audience gets up and cheers! In the dreams of the director, at least.) He also commands that Obro and Mercede be saved. Awww. And… he walks off. (rumble…rumble…rumble.)

It’s the official kick-off of Armageddon as 2 to 3 foot waves pummel a sandy beach and mud, disguised as lava, bubbles up toward the camera! A crowd of suddenly angry Metropolitans shake their fists at the palace and shout things such as:

“Stop the experiments!”

“Down with science!” (No kidding!)

Looking out over the grimacing faces the once proud Yotar gives the most masochistically self-trashing resignation speech I’ve ever heard:

“I tried to overthrow the forces of Nature. And Nature has humbled me into the dust. Now Nature has defeated me!”

At which point the mob storms the palace and attacks him. – Goodbye Yotar. Nevermore shall we see you walk the hallways of your palace….

Adult swim meets the Apocalypse.

Amid endless shots of crowds running through heavy rain, Obro, Mercede, and Elmos reach the secret passage to the hideaway. Suddenly they, and about 30 extras, are out in a water tank, bobbing up and down in some moderately rough surf. The tank seems to be about 5 feet deep, and many poor souls sink under the onslaught of wave, after wave, after wave. Yet even as a ridiculous clay model of Atlantis explodes and sinks, a lucky few manage to find safety on a beach. (Where did that come from?) Among them are Obro and Mercede, but hey, no sign of Elmos! Yikes. But as Obro and Mercede cling together in shocked relief we can console ourselves with the thought that love has triumphed, and they are sure to have many children.

The End!

Sean Ledden (Sept 2010)

Read more about The Giant of Metropolis at

Directed by Kinji Fukasaku

Written by Bill Finger and Ivan Reiner

Run Time: 90 min

Tagline: "The Green Slime is coming!"

Other Titles: Death and the Green Slime, Gamma #3 Big Military Space Operation (Japan)

Classic quote: Doctor Lisa Benson looking over a bloody, smoking, charred body: "He’s dead."

The Green Slime is an odd sort of picture. Produced and filmed in a Japanese studio, written by an Italian screenwriter, and starring American actors, it all adds up to one huge schlock-fest.

The creator of this silly space monster tale, Ivan Reiner, has a few other writing accomplishments to his name: Snow Demons (1965), The Galaxy Criminals (1965), The Deadly Diaphonoids (1966), and of course, our feature presentation. Interestingly enough, an uncredited co-author of the story is none other than Bill Finger, writer of the stupendously awful Track of the Moon Beast released in 1976.

Japanese director Kinji Fukasaku is well known for his work both inside and outside of Japan. With over 60 films completed under his direction, and over 20 films written, this prominent artist was awarded the Government’s Medal with Purple Ribbon in 1997 for his contribution to the film world.

The special effects are typical for this type of film, i.e., low budget. The man responsible for these efforts, Akira Watanabe, is certainly no hack. With over 40 films to his credit (mostly Godzilla films and assorted ‘space’ adventures), I’m sure Akira was constrained more by the budget than by his imagination.

"The Green Slime" is a hilarious example of a groovy-1960′s cheap monster movie. Maybe a little cheaper than the rest, but it’s more entertaining because of it. And hey! What other space monster movie has a Green Slime theme song!:

"Open the door, you’ve got a secret.

To find the answer is to keep it.

You’ll believe it when you find,

Something screaming ‘cross your mind…

Green Sliiiiiiiiime!

"What can it be, what is the reason?

Is this the end to all that’s breathin’?

Is this something in your head?

Will you believe it when you’re dead?

Green Sliiiiiiime! Green Sliiiiiiiiime! Green Sliiiiiiiiiime!"

Anyway, here’s the song in all of it’s glory for you:

	Jack Rankin (Robert Horton) Veteran Western actor Robert Horton takes on the role of studly Jack Rankin. Besides over 20 films, Robert has appeared in several T.V. shows during the years, including a visit to Johnny Carson’s The Tonight Show in 1970. Robert’s last appearance was a guest role on the popular mystery television program Murder, She Wrote in 1989.
	Vince Elliot (Richard Jaeckel) Veteran character actor Richard Jaeckel portrays the hard-headed captain of Gamma 3. With nearly 100 films under his belt, Richard has often appeared as a rough-and-tumble tough guy, including the hard-as-nails Drill Sgt. Bowren in The Dirty Dozen . His career also includes a few appearances on Baywatch as Capt. Ben Edwards, and he even popped up on Fantasy Island back in 1983. After being diagnosed with cancer in 1994, Richard was quoted as saying, “I know people are pulling for me to beat this thing, but let them have a glass at the bar for me and let it go at that.” I think that’s class.
	Lisa Benson (Luciana Paluzzi) Doctor Lisa Benson seems to be everywhere in film except the sickbay. Not that I’m complaining. Luciana has shown up in over 60 films in her long career including the role of Fiona Volpe in the 1965 James Bond classic Thunderball, and a bit part in the first Italian Sword-N-Sandal "epic" Hercules (1958).

We open in space. Which is a good place to start in a space movie. Across the screen floats the U.N.S.C Gamma 3, a half-way decent model space station. Inside the "Command Center" (the words "Command Center" are actually written on the outside of the ship for some reason…), the crew is busily at work, while computers ping, lights blink, and colorfully clad crew members race back and forth performing their space duties.

Cut down to Earth, specifically UNSC headquarters, a room filled with a busy staff and, yes, a gazillion computers arrayed with blinking lights (most aren’t labeled in any fashion, so who knows what they’re supposed to indicate.). And by the way, the operations room here looks incredibly similar to the bridge on Gamma 3…hmmm…they wouldn’t use the same set for both locations, would they? (The model "city" used in this scene isn’t so bad given the fact that the film was made nearly 40 years ago. I guess the filmmakers blew the whole F/X budget on the models, because the monsters themselves…well, you’ll see.) I love these 1960′s visions of the future, full of optimism and rocket ship launch pads. Where did we go wrong?

Inside the headquarters, a leggy blonde delivers the latest satellite tracking reports to XXXX. "Same old garbage," he remarks while flipping through the paper, "Nothing exciting every happens around here." (Hmmm…I wonder if something exciting is about to happen?)

On cue, one of the satellite tracking boards goes haywire. "A lot of abnormal interference!", the board operator shouts. (Opposed to normal interference?) Anyway, the big blip on the radar board is magnified and projected on the standard Huge Projection Screen On The Wall that every space agency and government building seems to be equipped with. "That’s an asteroid!" an observant officer notes upon seeing a giant asteroid on the screen.

As many others have immediately noticed and commented upon, this asteroid resembles a gigantic meatball in every respect. The commander calls out to one of his lackeys to calculate the asteroid’s path. Upon seeing the predicted course, the commander’s face pales as he gasps, "It’s on a collision course with Earth."

Cue opening credits and the above mentioned "Green Slime" theme song. This great little groove-packed ditty was written and performed by Richard Delvy, the drummer for the popular 1960′s band "The Bel Airs". Believe me, this jam gets stuck in your head after hearing it a few times. I’ve been driving my wife nuts lately running around singing "Greeeennnn Sliiiiiimmmeeee!". Make sure to check out the little audio clip in the introduction to see what I mean.

Enter General Thompson. "This confirms my first guess," the General says upon perusing the report, "the only answer is to blast that thing out of the sky." As Thompson makes his way to his office, another hot blonde informs him that Commander Rankin has arrived. "Send him into my private office," Thompson commands. One of Thompson’s orderlies points out that Rankin has put in his resignation and it would be madness to send him on a mission where the chances of survival are "next to zero." (Seeing that if Rankin chooses not to do it, his chances, and the chances of everybody else are in fact zero, I don’t see what all the concern is about.) Thompson disagrees, reminding everybody that Rankin is "still his top officer" and he has full confidence in him. (Or is he the "rankin’ officer"? Ha ha! Get it…? oh never mind.)

Cut to an absolutely hilarious photograph of Thompson, Rankin, and a third astronaut, Elliot. The funny thing is that the photograph is real, but the actor’s heads have been (poorly) "merged" over the original astronaut’s faces. I choked on my coffee when I saw that picture! Man, I’m tempted to use it as my desktop background.

Inside Thompson’s office, Jack Rankin gazes at a picture and reminisces of times gone by. Thompson enters and notices Rankin looking at the photograph. "Rankin and Elliot," Thompson says with a sentimental tone, "The best space team we ever had."

"Yeah, until I blew it," Rankin says. Um, what are you talking about? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out since General Thompson changes the subject to a more pressing issue: namely the newly christened asteroid ‘Flora’, which, as was pointed out earlier, is hurtling towards the Earth.

"Flora, that’s a class two asteroid." Rankin remarks. (Man, he sure does know his asteroids!)

The problem? Flora is going to collide with the Earth at 7 a.m. the next morning: less than 10 hours! This impeding deadline does raise the question of how in the hell they didn’t notice such this ‘planet buster’ asteroid before now? Just how did it suddenly appear within a few hours journey from Earth? I mean, we’re talking about a Class 2 asteroid here, folks!

Ok, Ok. It’s a 1960′s cheapie monster movie, I’ll suspend disbelief and go along with it for now.

Thompson explains his plans for blasting the asteroid to smithereens. "Who’s in charge of the mission?" Rankin asks. Thompson can think of only one person with the "necessary experience". (Asteroid destruction experience?) However, since Rankin is retired, he will have to "volunteer" to lead the mission. Well, yes, he does volunteer or else there wouldn’t be a movie, so Thompson orders him to get his butt up to the Gamma 3 space station where equipment and crew will be waiting for him. Furthermore, Rankin will be put in charge of the space station for the duration of the mission. Just one little problem, Vince Elliot is currently in charge, and will not be too happy about relinquishing command to Rankin. (Conflict!)

General Thompson ends the briefing with a solemn "Good luck" punctuated by a thumbs-up. Jack returns the thumbs-up and leaves to face his destiny. (I guess because all American’s give each other the thumbs-up when parting company.)

Another sequence of cheap miniature space ship shots brings Rankin to the rocket ship that will ferry him up to Gamma 3. As kettle drums sound an ominous beat on the soundtrack, a model rocket lifts off from its miniature launch pad. (Look, I’m not trying to be overly picky about the model work done here. The models certainly are detailed, and even charming, but they are so obviously models that I just have to mention it.)

On the way up through the atmosphere one of the rocket pilots reports that they’ve "just passed through zero gravity." I’m not sure how that works, but Rankin seems to be OK with that. Wondering how long the trip is to Gamma 3? Well, I’ll tell you. 30 minutes.

On the bridge of Gamma 3, (Let me repeat that this set looks so much like the operations room back at UNSC headquarters that I thought the scene was taking place on Earth until one of the orderlies mentioned the approaching rocket. Hmmmm….) Commander Elliot watches the rocket flying towards the space station via a view screen. (Note how the rocket’s exhaust floats "up" in outer space.) Captain Martin, one of the officers of the Gamma 3, reminds Elliot that Rankin is aboard the ship. Not happy with having to give up his command to Rankin, even if only temporarily, Elliot swallows his pride and drops the subject by saying, "Since that’s the way it is, let’s be sure that’s the way it is!" (Hey, isn’t that a Zen koan?)

In the hallway, Elliot runs across Lisa, played by the red-headed Italian bombshell Luciana Paluzzi. (Why everybody else on board wears a blue military-style uniform while Lisa is clad in a silver, sleeveless, cleavage-revealing silver one-piece is not clear. But I’m not complaining.) Lisa asks Elliot to be on his best behavior with Rankin since they were best friends at one time. Oh yeah, and Rankin means nothing to Lisa anymore. (Hey! A love triangle! Who would have known?) Elliot complies and asks Lisa if she would like to join him in welcoming Rankin aboard. "I told him I never want to see him again," Lisa replies, "and I still mean it." (And she’s telling Elliot to behave himself?) Gee, this is all so original!

Rankin’s ship docks with Gamma 3 after which he disembarks. After wandering around the bustling landing bay, Rankin meets Elliot and they exchange a cordial greeting. Due to the time constraints, Rankin is set to leave in 20 minutes on his mission to intercept the asteroid. Thinking that he was going alone, Rankin finds out that his orders had been "modified" and he will in fact be accompanied by two of the Gamma 3 crew: Dr. Hans Halvorsen, the Station Space Consultant (?), and his assistant, Michael. (I guess he doesn’t have a rank so they just go on a first name basis.)

Elliot remarks that he to wants to tag along. (Rankin correctly notes, "Your place is here, Vince, and you know it.") Elliot reassures Rankin that his XO, Capt. Martin can handle the Gamma 3 while they’re away, and Rankin reluctantly allows him to come along. (Is it really that easy to change a rocket ship crew at the drop of a hat? Don’t these sort of things need to be planned a bit first? Oh well, this is The Future!) Rankin and the others (including a few Ensign No-Names which I assume will also end up in a cold, spacey grave) suit up, board their toy rocket, and blast off from the Gamma 3 towards the asteroid.

The model rocket arrives at the meatball, I mean asteroid, and Rankin takes the ship over the surface pointing out the various areas of operations. Basically, the crew will split up into 3 groups. Each group will plant a "tri-megaton unit" in the surface and viola: no more asteroid.

Once the ship lands, the 3 demolition teams (armed with rifles!?) board tracked surface vehicles (I’ll call them ‘buggies’) and leave the main ship. (As the crew looks around the asteroid’s surface, you can see the sound stage lights reflected in their helmets’ faceplates.) Rankin rallies the men and goes over last minute details. The most important is that they have less than an hour to plant the bombs and get back to Gamma 3. Why? Who knows. It makes it more exciting I guess.

The crews drive around for a while, navigating through the barren, desolate landscape of the asteroid’s surface. Well, maybe not completely desolate. One shot shows one of the buggies driving through a pool of water. Standing, liquid water on the asteroids surface. I’m no astrophysicist, but I don’t think you’re going to find pools of water in outer space.

Eventually, Rankin’s stops his buggie and says, "This place looks as good as any." (Wow! Talk about a finely calculated plan! Don’t they have, you know, certain exact locations where they have to plant the bombs? If it doesn’t make any difference, then why not just plant them right outside the main ship and then return to Gamma 3?)

Oh yeah, look at the background and you can see the actors’ shadows on the painting on the wall behind them. Oops, I mean ‘outer space’.

As the bombs are emplaced, Dr. Halvorsen studies the asteroid’s surface with a Geiger counter. (I guess it’s the only ‘spacey’ piece of equipment the film makers could afford for the scene.) Suddenly, Halvorsen notices a pulsating green glob of goo on the ground. He picks it up with a large pincers and is about to put it into a specimen jar (!!) he just happened to bring along, (that’s the first thing I would think of taking to an asteroid, wouldn’t you?), when he sees another green glob at the edge of the water. Doing what any highly trained Space Consultant would do, he simply drops the green glob he was holding, which splats all over his Geiger counter (!), and goes to have a look at the other glob. Why, hey! There’s little green globs all over the place. Oddly, the one that he dropped onto the Geiger counter seems to have grown, and is pulsating with a bright light. (Uh, Doc, don’t you think you should radio this in?)

Meanwhile, the drilling is completed and the bomb is removed from its carrying case. (The bomb is timed to go off using an analog clock, complete with ‘ticking’ second hand…to set off a nuclear bomb!?) What the astronauts don’t notice is that their buggy is being completely engulfed in these green gooey globs. As a matter of fact, green slimes have covered all the buggies, none of which will now start due to the slime’s energy-absorbing characteristics. Faced with no other option, the men start jogging back to the ship.

Out of the blue, Rankin receives a radio call from General Thompson back on Earth. It turns out that the asteroid is accelerating. (Hmmm…) Due to the new calculations, the bombs have to be detonated in 20 minutes.

"Do you realize what you’re asking?" Ranking shouts.

"I realize what I’m asking," replies Thompson.

I will say, that as the viewer, I don’t know what he’s asking, so it would have been nice for the story writer to have told me too. Oh well. I assume what Thompson’s asking is that they take a huge chance at detonating so soon, i.e., Rankin and his men won’t be far enough away from the asteroid to avoid taking a major, if not disastrous, hit from the blast.

After speaking with Thompson, Rankin goes back outside to inform the men of the new timetable.

"Detonation has been moved to three o’clock," Rankin says.

"That’s impossible!" shouts Elliot.

"That’s what I said."

Well, Rankin, if you look a few lines above, what you did say was "Do you know what you’re asking?", but never mind.

At that moment, Dr. Halvorsen runs up shouting excitedly about his green slime discovery. "It’s alive!" he shouts. Rankin, nonplussed, smashes the jar onto the ground, unknowingly splattering a glob of green goo on somebody’s space suit. (bum, bum, bum!)

The ship blasts off from the asteroid and races back towards Gamma 3. "Give it everything she’s got!" Ranking tells the pilot, noting that they have just 3 minutes before the multi-megaton nuclear bombs go off. "We’re over ten gee’s now!" grunts Elliot. (10 gee’s? I think they’d be unconscious, if not dead long before that. Assuming Rankin weighs around 170 pounds on Earth, his effective weight now would be in excess of 1,700 pounds. Needless to say, Rankin doesn’t look the least bit affected by this fact.) When the pilot hesitates to increase the speed, Rankin throws off his seat belt, jumps out of his chair, runs to the control console, and pushes the accelerator to the max. All at 10 gee, mind you.

Just as the bombs explode, reducing the asteroid to dust, Rankin pulls himself out of his seat and enables the "force shield". This shield envelopes the ship in a purple ‘cloud’ that sparkles a bit as the blast strikes. The ship shakes violently, buffeted by the forces unleashed by the nuclear bombs. Eventually, the tremors subside and the ship continues its journey back to Gamma 3.

Rankin and the crew are greeted by a gigantic cheering crowd in the landing bay and all seems well. Lisa bursts through the (unlocked) containment door to the landing bay and Rankin promptly chews her out from breaking decontamination procedures. Rankin turns to Doc Halvorsen and curtly orders him to run the decontamination checks 3 times. (Wow! 3 times!)

"Three times?" Elliot interrupts, "I can’t spare the equipment that long!"

Um, you can’t spare the decontamination equipment to decontaminate? What else were you going to use it for? Decontamination? Not sure what you’re getting at, Elliot.

When Rankin insists on decontamination, Elliot responds, "The crew on this ship has more important things to do!" (And this guy is the commander?) I mean, I have to take Rankin’s side on this issue. They just came back from an asteroid full of glowing, pulsating, green, blobs that they peeled off their buggies themselves…and Elliot doesn’t want to spend the time to decontaminate? Dude! Procedures! Procedures! (In the very next scene, the crew is shown standing on a rolling walkway, moving through a red-lit tunnel of sorts. I guess this is the decontamination equipment that couldn’t be spared. We also see the green goo on somebody’s space suit getting bigger as it absorbs the decontamination ‘energy’.)

Later, Rankin goes down to the sick bay to have his arm looked at. (He cut it doing the exciting Flying Away At Ten Gee’s scene) Well, guess who’s the doctor? Give yourself a gold star if you guessed Lisa. She treats his wound, rather roughly, and chews him out for being so strict with people. (Following decontamination procedures is being overly strict? And she’s a doctor?) Rankin and Lisa argue a bit, because the script calls for it, before Elliot comes around and informs Rankin that a communications channel has been established with Earth.

That evening, the crew of Gamma 3 hold a massive party to celebrate the asteroid’s destruction and the resulting salvation of the Earth. (Gee, you think that would call for at least a couple of beers, eh?) Champagne corks pop (with plenty of background cleavage shots), groovy 1960′s music blares in the background, and things are looking pretty good. By the way, all the men are still in uniform, while the women are dressed in very revealing mini-skirts. Huh.

Elliot proposes a toast to Rankin and the success of the mission as Lisa looks on. Cheers! By the way, Elliot lets the cat out of the bag: He and Lisa are getting married next week. Rankin’s face turns a dark shade of red, returns to normal, and then he mutters, "Congratulations." (Who wants to bet that Elliot and Lisa won’t be getting married next week?)

As the party continues, Washing Machine Orderly Nameless is taking the soiled space suits to some sort of cleaning chamber. He pushes a button, the chamber opens, and he pushes the space suits inside. Another button is pushed, resulting in a huge bank of lights coming to life (all this for a washing machine?) accompanied with high-tech futuristic "pinging" noises. (Once again, all this just to wash clothes?) As the cleaning cycle continues, we see the green goo, still stuck on the spacesuit, begin to grow and pulsate with an un-Earthly green light.

Meanwhile, Rankin and Lisa are sharing a slow dance together. (With Elliot’s permission, course.) As they weave about the dance floor, the ex-lovers discuss Elliot’s weaknesses as a commander along with the one mistake that is "eating him up" inside: the time he sacrificed ten men to save one.

Something like that. Let’s just get to the goofy monsters already.

Upstairs, or somewhere, Washing Machine Orderly notices that something is going wrong with the current load. "Oh my God!" he shouts upon seeing a bank of blinking lights which looks just the same as every other bank of blinking lights I’ve seen so far. He opens the door to the washing chamber and screams in agony. An alarm goes off downstairs in the dance hall (A ship-wide washing machine alert? How does that work? "ALERT! ALERT! Fabric softening overload! ALERT!")

Out of nowhere a security guard appears and reports to Elliot that there’s "trouble in the lab." (How do I know he’s a security guard even though his uniform is exactly the same as every other uniform? Because he’s wearing a silver motorcycle helmet.) Elliot asks "what sort of trouble," and the guard insists that he accompany him to the lab in order to see for himself. (Rankin, Lisa, and Dr. Halvorsen also tag along, because it’s their movie too.)

The lab itself has been destroyed, and laying on the floor is the scorched, battered, bloody body of the unfortunately orderly. ("He’s dead!" Doctor Lisa amazingly deduces upon seeing the smoldering remains.) Elliot notes that the kid was electrocuted. Hmmm. Suddenly the spot a burned bit of green slime hanging on a piece of broken equipment. Halvorsen remarks that it’s the same stuff that they saw on the asteroid.

"What’s it doing here?" asks Rankin.

"I don’t know," says Halvorsen.

"That’s your responsibility!" Rankin shouts in return.

I don’t see how it’s Halvorsen’s responsibility. First, he’s a "space consultant" (whatever the hell that is!), not chief science officer. Second, if they in fact went through the decontamination procedures as ordered, how is it his fault?

Whatever. Rankin orders a thorough search of the ship in order to find whatever it was that killed the orderly and left a piece of itself hanging on the equipment.

While the search is underway, one of the monitors on the bridge goes on the blink. A guard is dispatched to check out the "power terminal in block C." After creeping through a narrow access way, he discovers a mass of sparking wire, torn from the wall and laying on the floor. What he fails to see is the huge green creature sneaking up behind him. A long green tentacle wraps itself around his neck. Scratch one security guard. Elliot, Rankin and some others go to investigate and find the guard’s electrocuted body laying on the access way floor.

Suddenly a distressed voice breaks out over the ship’s loudspeaker system: "Emergency call to Commander Elliot! Come to the main power room at once!" (Uh oh! Not the main power room!)

Reaching the main power room, Elliot and Rankin discover a gaggle of guards looking up at one of the generators. Upon further investigation, they see a green thingee laying on the floor contentedly dragging its appendages along the generator, happily sucking power from the circuits. Rankin grabs a laser rifle in order to blast it. At that moment, because he’s a Scientist, Halvorsen runs up and begs Rankin not to kill it, remarking that it’s a "great discovery!" (Scientists…can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em!)

Well, since there’s still about an hour left of the movie, Elliot takes Halvorsen’s side just to spite Rankin, and the green bugger is spared. Gas and net guns are brought forward and the green monster is quickly subdued and captured. Or is it? The beast struggles and twists in the nets and finally rips itself free by using its sparkling tentacles. (Literally ‘sparkling’…Fourth of July sparklers are attached to the ends of the tentacles which the actor in the rubber suit wildly waves around.)

The monster zaps a guard and wounds Elliot before Rankin gets the chance to zap it with his laser rifle. The creature retreats from the beam, knocking another guard over a railing to his death and shoving another security man into a panel of high-voltage fuses. (This panel of lethal components is protected with a waist-high fence with a high-voltage sign hung on it. Really helpful, that. You know, don’t make the fence any higher than you have to, guys.) Finally, under Rankin’s unrelenting barrage of laser blasts, the monster flees down a dead end corridor. "Only ventilation shafts down there, sir," reports a guard. (Ahhh, yes, ‘Yee Olde Ventilation Shaft’, which is probably just big enough for the monster to squeeze into.)

Seeing that Elliot’s plan to capture it alive backfired, to say the least, Rankin announces that he’s taking command. (Um, does he have the authority to do that?) Anyway, the crew acquiesces and the guard is doubled at the corridor exit. (Gee, you think?) By the way, Dr. Halvorsen finds some green blood on the floor and swabs a bit up into a petri dish. (Does he just carry those around in his pocket?)

Back in the sickbay, Lisa is patching up Elliot’s wounds. (Why he was only cut by the monster while the ordinary crew members were electrocuted by its touch is not explained.) Finally, the big Confrontation. After a bit of Elliot’s goading, Rankin finally comes out and says that Elliot is not fit for command. Lisa tries to defend Elliot’s decision to capture the creature by noting that this is the man’s first encounter with extraterrestrial life. Rankin is not impressed. "Tell it to the wives of the guys in the morgue," he says before stomping off with his newly issued silver motorcycle helmet.

Meanwhile, a massive search is in underway. Security guards wearing a vast array of different colored uniforms (but all with silver motorcycle helmets), are driving around the ship in little golf-cart thingees and searching room-by-room for the unwanted visitor. You would think that a future spaceship of this size would have video monitoring equipment. Imagine how quickly they could find this thing, all from the safety of a surveillance center. But then we wouldn’t be able to see all the cool fights coming up.

A search crew is even sent outside the ship in order to take a look at the space station’s exterior. Unfortunately, the special effects used here are not of the highest quality, in fact, you can see the space station ‘through’ the partially transparent ‘astronauts’ from time to time. This search party consists of 4 men armed with laser rifles, floating around the outside of the ship without any apparent means of locomotion. Maybe that thing on his back is some sort of jet pack, but then where is the oxygen? Maybe they’re just holding their breathe.

The excitement of this scene is interrupted when Doctor Halvorsen calls Elliot and Rankin to the lab. Halvorsen has discovered that the monster’s blood cells "duplicate faster than anything known to man."

"It’s frightening," he adds, just to make sure we know that all this is ‘Bad’.

As Rankin and Elliot look on, Halvorsen takes a blood sample over to some sort of rigged up experimental apparatus. As the doctor applies electricity to the sample, it bubbles and expands. "It proves out!" Halvorsen remarks. "The animal feeds on energy!" Realizing that just one cell, if given access to an energy source, can grow to be one of those green monsters, Rankin gives the order that under no circumstances will anybody fire their weapons.

Meanwhile, Lisa and her entourage of nurses hook up one of their patients to the "Electronic Symptom Analyzer": a machine consisting of several buttons and a slew of unlabeled blinking lights. Noting that the machine is functioning rather oddly, Lisa looks into the alcove behind the machine where all the electronics are found. No! The Monster! "Get the patients out of here!" Lisa shouts as the nurses scream like a bunch of sorority girls in a panty raid. I will hand it to Lisa, while the others are cowering against the walls, she is doing more than her share of helping patients out of their beds and slinging gurneys at the monster. (I’m not sure why the medical staff and patients don’t just leave the room instead of cringing against the walls.)

An alarm is sounded and a security detail races to the sick bay. "Get back! Get back!" the soldiers shout. (Gee, you think?) Unfortunately, Rankin’s "no fire" order had not been issued in time and the guards open fire with their laser rifles. The beams cut into the monster’s bumpy hide spewing green goo over the floor.

In rushes Rankin shouting, "Hold your fire!" The soldiers back off as Rankin suggests that they could try and trap it in the sick bay. (Well, then leave and close the door! Sheesh!) After a few more ‘action’ scenes, including a hilarious shot of Rankin slinging his helmet right into the monster’s noggin, the monster is temporarily pinned against a wall with a bed and the men flee the room, locking the door behind them. (Hey! That was my idea!)

Out in the hallway, a video feed reveals that the monster is busy healing itself. (This "healing" process is realized by showing the monster rub a sparkler-adorned tentacle on its chest.)

"My God! It’s healing itself…" Halvorsen murmurs.

Elliot turns and asks, "You’re saying we can’t kill it?"

Well, no. That’s not what he said. But anyway.

Worse yet, the blood or slime or whatever it bleeds, is now forming into new little slimy monsters. (Through the magic of Playing Footage Backwards, the slime is seen gliding "up" the walls.) Elliot gets a brainstorm and orders all power in the infirmary to be shut off. (Duh.) Not to be out "maled", Rankin calls a staff meeting in the control room to hash out their next move.

Back on Earth, General Thompson receives a transmission stating that a "total quarantine" has been imposed.

"Total quarantine?" Thompson shouts. "Who does he think he is?" (Umm…the Commander? Does that count for anything anymore?)

Cut back to Gamma 3. Rankin makes his way to a make-shift infirmary where Lisa (and her flock of attendant hot nurses) are fussing over the monster’s latest batch of victims. Rankin informs Lisa that the wounded will not be evacuated to Earth do to the danger of getting even "one drop" of the creature back onto our planet. (Apparently, one drop would be enough to doom the entire Earth. I can’t say I would rate the Green Slime as dangerous as that…I mean, you can almost take one out by hitting it in the head with a motorcycle helmet. But hey, I’m no space commander.) As if to confirm the danger that everybody is facing, the lights begin to flicker. "Keep control," Rankin says to Lisa before rushing off to see what’s happening.

We next see a gaggle of green slimes dragging their rubber arms over some sort of electrical do-dad full of sparklers. I can only suppose that they are ‘juicing up’ or something. Or else they’re celebrating the Fourth of July.

In the control room, Elliot reports that he and Rankin have "doped out a plan." (Groovy!) I bet you’re curious, aren’t you? OK, here’s the plan. Evacuate all personnel from "C Block", then confine the monster "even further" into the storage room. How in the hell do they get the monsters into the storage room? I’m glad you asked. Elliot will cut all power in C Block, then "run a power-beam search car" to the storage room where a generator will be emplaced. Viola! The power-beam will lure the monsters into the storage room where they will be isolated.

One quick question.

Then what?

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

As planned, the generator is placed inside the store room as armed men take positions behind banks of equipment in the corridor itself. (Why are they armed with laser rifles? Don’t they just make the monsters stronger if hit with laser beams?) Hard to see. "Tense" seconds pass as the approaching "blackout" looms. Eventually the lights are cut and the entire space station is plunged into darkness. (Lisa and the nurses are still busy trying to evacuate all of the wounded when the lights go out. They were given 10 minutes to do the job, which seems to be not a heck of a lot of time. Nice.)

Right on cue, the monsters start making their goofy "squeaky" noise as they appear at the far end of the darkened corridor. A blast of Ominous Music indicates that this is Not Good. Rankin orders the car’s driver to slowly back up as the monsters follow the bright lights mounted on top of the vehicle.

Just as things are going so well, suddenly, and I mean suddenly, we cut to the darkened infirmary. (Well, not really darkened at all actually. I thought this was a black out…?) Somehow, a group of green slimes have broken into the infirmary and are now raising hell. Why did they stop following the light and go into the darkened infirmary? Hey, you tell me.

In the corridor, Rankin orders the men to kill the lights and then tosses a flashlight into the face of the nearest monster. (Why kill the lights? What’s happening here? Where is the infirmary in relation to these guys? These questions and more will not be answered for your inconvenience.)

Thankfully, Rankin appears in the infirmary and lures the monsters towards him with a flashlight, thus giving Lisa and her staff a chance to evacuate the last of the patients. I have to ask, why did they lure the monsters down a corridor which passes right in front of the still-occupied sick bay? Oh yeah. The script says so. Anyway, in an exciting Pushing Gurneys Down A Hallway scene, Lisa and the others manages to clear the sick bay and flee to B Block.

Somehow Rankin is back in the corridor, but surrounded by monsters. Elliot and his crew are now behind Rankin and lure the monsters away from Rankin. Really now, the mechanics of what is happening here, as far as "who is where", is really confusing. I think that the script required a certain sequence of scenes, so they people just "appeared" as needed in order to fulfill the action "sequence". Furthermore, these "action" shots consist solely of close up shots of the monsters so that we never get a chance to see just how few there really are. (Costumes cost money, you know…)

Well, ok, the monsters go towards Elliot’s light, leaving Rankin free to run a couple feet to his waiting car. So, now I’m totally confused by all this. The car was standing right next to him with a complete crew that didn’t do jack-squat to help him, like, say, turn on their lights? This scene is utterly confusing, and I’m too tired to give a damn. Now wait, suddenly Rankin is behind Elliot and his crew. (I give up.) Elliot and the others run from the monsters and join Rankin and the "light car", which starts backing down the hallway, once again luring the monsters into the storage room. (Hey, wasn’t that exactly where the plot was before the monsters rampaged in the infirmary? So what was gained by all this nonsense?) Yawn, Rankin turns on the lights in the storage room, monsters go into storage room where they make a bunch of sparks, as usual, and Rankin locks the door behind him.

Taking off his helmet after a job well done, Rankin orders C Block to be searched one final time. Alas, a booming noise from the sick bay reminds them that there is still a monster sealed inside. (Did they forget?!) Rankin calls for a "monitor car", which is as you might imagine, a car with a monitor screen where Rankin can see what’s going down in the sick bay. (Boy that is soooo much more logical than, say, a screen mounted in the wall outside the sickbay door…man, I should have been a space station designer.)

Sure enough, there’s the lonely occupant: A pissed off green slime monster.

"That door won’t hold it!" Elliot warns. (Seems to be doing the job so far…) Captain Martin suggests reinforcing the door with one of the cars.

"That won’t help," Ranking says. (Why this won’t help is never explained…because it sounds like a good idea to me.) By use of an "airlock panel" (?) Rankin suggests isolating the monster in C Block. (Umm..wasn’t that already the plan? Have I missed something here?)

"This section can’t handle it!" Elliot says. Just a minute. Your stupid plan was to contain the monsters in C Block in the first place! What the hell is going on here?

Rankin orders C Block evacuated in order to "make ready the air lock panel." OK, am I going crazy? Didn’t they already order C Block evacuated before they lured the monsters into the storage room? Headache alert. Headache alert.

Out of the blue, Halvorsen and Lisa come running down the hall. (Huh?! Didn’t she flee to B Block with her patients? Likewise, what the hell is Halvorsen doing there?) Halvorsen begs for a chance to retrieve his files from sick bay (or his office?) before they (presumably) open the airlock and flush the buggers into space. Rankin denies his request, but Halvorsen runs down the hall to his office to collect his things anyway.

Suddenly the monster busts down the sick bay door and makes his way towards the crew. As Rankin and the others make their way down the hall, the other monsters burst out of the storage room (Why? Wouldn’t they be satisfied sucking up juice from the lights in there? Why would they want to leave?) and the chase is on.

To add to the, er, excitement, Halvorsen pops out of his office, holding 5 or 6 manila folders in his arms (His life’s work?!) and almost gets run over by one of the cars. (Halvorsen drops his folders to the floor where you can see that half of them are empty!) The "speeding" car goes out of control, once again, hard to see what’s going on because of all the close-shots, presumably to hide how small the set really is. It’s really quite claustrophobic the way all this is filmed, I have no idea how long or wide the corridor is, nor where people are in relation to each other. It’s just a series of close-ups patched together with exposition from the actors so you "get" what is happening.

Doctor Halvorsen’s Life Work

Anyway, buggies crash, people yell, hard to see who. A latch is thrown and an airlock door slides into place, forcing Rankin to Leap-And-Roll to the other side Just As The Door Slides Shut. In fact, Rankin is soooo good that he can jump under the door with his helmet on and pop up on the other side without it! Man! Now that’s good!

The men quickly realize that Halvorsen is trapped on the other side with the monsters. This fact is confirmed by a video feed showing Halvorsen dodging the monsters and running for his life. (With some terribly dubbed "screams" that in no way match his mouth…maybe he’s a ventriloquist.) One genius suggests opening another door down the hall to allow Halvorsen to escape, but there is a car blocking the way. Rankin, Elliot and the others push and shove against the car, but it’s hopelessly jammed against something or other.

Elliot decides to open the original door to let Halvorsen out. Rankin (correctly) remarks that doing so would let the creatures in and, well, that’s not good. Since these guys are required to butt heads every few minutes, Elliot disobeys Rankin’s orders (boy, I would think there’s going to be not a few court martial proceedings after all this is over…) and walks over to raise the door. In a Dramatic Scene, Ranking points a laser rifle at Elliot and orders him to stop or else he’ll shoot. Just as the tension becomes unbearable (not), Lisa jumps in front of Elliot to stop Rankin from shooting. Ranking shoots and kills both Lisa and Elliot, and the station is saved.

No wait. I was dreaming.

Rankin holds his fire, Elliot opens the door, and in falls Halvorsen’s burned and bloody corpse. As Rankin correctly predicted, the monsters rush into the corridor while Rankin desperately fires into them with his laser rifle. (Doesn’t that make them stronger? Didn’t he issue an order explicitly forbidding firing on the monsters?) Once everybody is on the other side of the second air lock panel, the door is dropped into place, once again sealing the monsters off on the other side. (In other words, once again, we are back where we were 5 minutes ago.)

For some reason there is a closet full of explosive barrels just beside the door that the monsters set off with their sparkling arms. The resulting explosion destroys at least a third of the entire space station. (That must be one hell of an air lock door to protect Rankin and the others from the blast!) We are treated to an exterior shot of the ship when the explosion takes place, complete with smoke rising and debris falling ‘down’…in outer space. You have to wonder why they would keep such powerful explosives in what would appear to be a totally random place on the ship. Well, let’s continue.

Rankin and the others, now safe in B Block are regrouping and plotting their next move. Rankin asks a crew member if a scanner is still active in C Block. Despite the fact that the entire C Block is destroyed, the crewman says that yes, there is in fact a scanner working. (Now that’s one tough scanner!)

A quick camera scan reveals a bunch of dead monsters laying around.

"Look how they’re burned," Rankin says, " there must have been tremendous heat generated by the explosion."

Gee, you think?

Elliot notes that there are only 3 or 4 monster corpses…so where are the rest? Rankin calls for an external camera scan which reveals, via some totally crappy miniature work, a group of monsters on the outside of the ship where they are being healed by the sun. Rankin orders the solar generators to be shut down and Lisa to prepare her patients for evacuation. (Again!?)

Rankin contacts Earth and asks General Thompson for permission to evacuate the space station because he’s going to destroy it. Once again, just for the sake of being stubborn, Elliot argues against destroying the station. (Think now, Elliot, just what the hell else is there to do at this point? The ship is crippled and covered in self-reproducing, growing, space slime monsters, and half the crew appears to be injured or dying.)

For the gazillionth time, Elliot claims that he’s in command, and so on and so on. Rankin, finally fed up with Elliot’s subordination, orders the chief security officer, Captain Martin, to arrest Elliot and escort him to one of the evacuation ships. Elliot tries to punch Rankin, gets punched in the chops himself, and storms off the bridge in abject humiliation.

Thompson gives Rankin permission to proceed with the evacuation and destruction of Gamma 3. Captain Martin gives the order to open the "escape hatch". (I guess this is the one point of exit for the entire evacuation fleet.) Of course, the puppets, I mean the monsters, are crowded around the escape hatch, forcing Martin to quickly close it again.

Rankin takes a look via an external camera. Seeing that they are "going after the circuits on the solar generators" (?), Rankin orders 4 men to go out and "blast" ‘em off the ship. Elliot, sitting in shame in some sort of room, overhears the order and sneaks off to don a space suit himself. (Gee, I wonder if he’s going to sacrifice himself in order to save the others.) As luck would have it, the only person to spot Elliot sneaking off is Lisa (man, she’s everywhere!), who Tries To Stop Him From Doing It. Elliot shouts, "Don’t tell me what to do! I’m tired of taking orders!" Which seems like an odd thing to say for somebody whose chosen the military for a career, but never mind. Elliot goes on to accuse Lisa of still loving Ranking and yadda yadda zzzzzzzz.

Oi yoi yoi! Man, these are some stupendously terrible effects. You can see the space suit shadows on ‘outer space’ behind them! I think the last time I saw something like that was in an Ed Wood flick! No kidding! Then the guys ‘float’ (on wires) past the monsters who angrily wiggle their tentacles at them. (Casting even more shadows on ‘outer space’.) This is really crappy, crappy stuff here.

The team lands on the ship and starts firing at the monsters. So, let me ask this: Why do they have to land at all? Why not hover 20, 30, 40 feet above the monsters and just shoot from there? Anyhoo, the battle continues, for what that’s worth.

With the escape hatch supposedly clear of monsters, the first ship is launched. (Lisa, of course, is now in the control room watching over the launch of the ship!) And yes, those are suppose to be monsters on the outside of the ship in the picture to the left. Do you now realize what I go through for this web site?

As other ships are launched, Elliot and the others continue their struggle. For some reason, Elliot’s rifle goes "empty", so he simply throws it at the nearest monster and impales it through the eye!

With the entire crew evacuated except for the security detail (which for some reason includes Lisa…you would think she’d evacuated with her patients! I guess they can take care of themselves until they get back to Earth.) the final ship is made ready for launch.

Just as Rankin is leaving the ship, he is cut off from the control room by some green slime monsters. (And they came from….where?) Of course, who else but Lisa would be around to warn him to "Look out!" More bad news. The power output is too low to allow Earth to remotely guide the ship. Boy, it must be a Monday, eh? Rankin decides that he will be the one to fight his way back into the control room and set the guidance computer himself, after which he’ll put on a spacesuit and "drift up and meet you later." (!!!)

The final ship launches and picks up Elliot and his battle team via some more crappy miniature work. Lisa tells Elliot what Rankin is up to, and Elliot, in a fit of Manly Camaraderie, puts his space suit back on and floats back to the main ship to help him.

Meanwhile, Rankin has his hands full blasting monsters which seem to be absolutely everywhere. (Even though you never see more than 3 or 4 at a time, if you know what I mean.) Once again, for some reason, Rankin’s laser rifle stops working, and he too throws it and impales a monster through the eye! Incredible! Just as things are looking bad for Rankin, Elliot "Suddenly Appears" and blasts the last of the monsters, giving Rankin a chance to program the computer.

With the ship’s rockets engaged the ship begins its plunge into the Earth’s atmosphere, where it will presumably burn up along with all the monsters. (I wouldn’t think this would be 100% safe. One little speck of a monster could survive on a piece of wreckage. I would have simply shot the ship into interstellar space and been done with it. But that would have precluded the Heroic Finale for Rankin and Elliot.)

Elliot and Rankin make their escape. However, since Elliot has now completed his Selfless Sacrifice role in the film, he is cut down by a monster which appears out of nowhere. Rankin hauls Elliot’s lifeless body out of the ship and is successfully picked up by the last evacuation ship.

As expected, the Gamma 3 plunges into the Earth’s atmosphere, bursts into flames, and explodes. Yeah baby, it explodes real good.

Rankin calls Earth and reports the success of the mission. As a final gesture of respect, he gives all the credit to Elliot. As Lisa looks on with tears in her eyes, a somber Rankin gives one final salute to his dead friend…by giving the body a thumbs up! (What the…?!)

The ship descends to Earth, where I suppose Rankin and Lisa will get a bottle of Scotch and a hotel room.

As for me, I’m going to take an aspirin and go to bed.

Dennis Grisbeck (September 2005)

Read more about The Green Slime at

Written and Directed by Larry Buchanan (based on the story "Being" by Richard Matheson)

Run Time: 80 minutes

Tagline: Trapped In a Cave of Terror!

	Wayne Thomas (Tommy Kirk) Wayne Thomas, the intrepid and self-proclaimed “assistant professor of paleontology”, helps Leilla and Bella fight for their lives against Greely and his evil rubber-suited monster. Will Wayne manage to put his assistant paleontological professorship to the test and survive the ordeals of this film? Read on and see!
	Norm Sterns (Corveth Ousterhouse ) Bitchy, whiny Norm just can’t understand why anybody would want to drive cross country. But hell, he’s always willing to pull off the road and stop at the local creepy Ozark reptile farm. Note: Monsters love to eat people named ‘Norm’!
	Leilla Sterns (Shirley Bonne) Leilla, Norm’s wife, screams and faints as needed. She also falls in love with Wayne and does whatever the script requires. Anything else more than that is probably asking too much.
	Greely (Billy Thurman) The local creepy redneck, Greely, runs a “zoo” consisting of 3 snakes, a howler monkey, and an 80-foot mausasaurus. His hobbies include capturing women, feeding hitchhikers to monsters, and laughing like a maniac.
	Bella (Annabella Weenick) Bella, Greely’s last victim, finds the strength to resist Greely’s domination and help the prisoners out of the cave…but will it be too late for her? (cue evil laughter)
	The Monster (Billy Thurman) The “monster” lives in a cave and eats people. And that’s about it. Are you scared yet?

Say what you want about this film, director (and writer, and editor) Larry Buchanan never had any allusions as to the quality of his work. In fact, he often referred to himself as a "schlockmeister", and thought of the term as such a badge of honor that he used it in the title of his autobiography: It Came from Hunger: Tales of a Cinema Schlockmeister.

Yet no matter how bad his movies have been, and make no mistake, they are bad, they always turned a profit; even if barely. Compare that with the millions of dollars the so-called Hollywood professionals seem to flush down the toilet every week, and you have to give all the Buchanan’s and the Corman’s of the world a little credit: they made money and probably had fun while they did it. (Ed Wood is a different story, but let’s let poor Ed rest in much deserved peace for now.)

Buchanan embarked on his directorial career by helming a few low-to-middle ranking Westerns in the 1950′s before moving on to the fetid (and profitable) grounds of exploitation and science fiction. Tapping into the social and racial issues of the 60′s, Buchanan created ‘socially conscious’ films such as Free, White and 21 (1963), High Yellow (1965), and even a 1964 "what-if" film entitle The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald, set in an alternate universe where Lee Harvey Oswald wasn’t murdered and actually ended up facing trial for Kennedy’s assassination.

After Buchanan made a name for himself as somebody who could get the job done, and done cheap, AIP hired him to direct a series of made-for-TV remakes of some of their earlier sci-fi films such as (and among others)

• Zontar: The Thing from Venus (1966), a remake of Roger Corman’s 1956 It Conquered the World
• In the Year 2889 (1967) a remake of the post-nuclear war flick, Day the World Ended (1955)
• Creature of Destruction (1967), based on the 1957 hypnotist-turns-beautiful-woman-into-monster The She Creature.

On a side note, It’s Alive was actually supposed to be a remake of "Being", a film production of Richard "I am Legend" Matheson’s story by the same name. (By the way, if you haven’t read the original "I am Legend" book: Read it! The movie is crap compared to it.) Much to AIP’s chagrin, "Being" had to be shelved in 1964 after lead actor Peter Lorre passed away before filming could commence. Never missing an opportunity to make a few bucks off of anything, the studio dumped the script for "Being" into Buchanan’s lap for the remake, i.e., It’s Alive, even though the original film was never made. Thus, It’s Alive might very well be the only "remake" of a movie that was never actually made.

Larry Buchanan, the self-proclaimed "schlockmeister" himself, passed away in 2004 in Tucson, Arizona at the age of 81. A New York Times obituary eloquently summed up Buchanan’s opus:

“One quality united Mr. Buchanan’s diverse output: It was not so much that his films were bad; they were deeply, dazzlingly, unrepentantly bad. His work called to mind a famous line from H. L. Mencken , who, describing President Warren G. Harding’s prose, said, ‘It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it.’"

Anyway, our tedious 90 minute journey begins with that eternal favorite cheap-movie bit: narration played over camera footage shot through a car window. Yes, folks, the Sterns, Norman and Leilla, are driving deep into the Ozarks mountains as part of their cross-country drive.

"And then…it started to rain."

Wow. Yeah. Exciting. This is going to be a fun movie.

Now instead of looking out of the side window as we drive by a featureless landscape, we endure several moments of looking out the windshield as, the narrator previously pointed out, it has started to rain. (The director, in a cruel touch, even includes the highly-annoying "squeak-squeak" of the windshield wipers as they sweep back and forth. Thanks, Larry.)

Ah, yes…now for the required "legend" story…

The local legend has it that when it "rains and the sun shines at the same time the Devil is kissing his wife."

HUH???!!

You call that a legend? And I thought Johnny Longbow’s legend was dumb!

As the narration drones on (narration generously provided free of charge by Director

Larry Buchanan), we see a "Dinosaur Land" type tourist trap off to the side of the highway which "…bekons to the traveler…" At least according to the narrator. To me it says "Run the other way!"

"If Norman Stearns had known what danger lay screened by an Ozark forest…he never would have left the highway."

(And if I had known how bad this film actually would be, I never would have bought the damned DVD.)

So, narration completed, the car turns to the right, even though we just saw the Dinosaur Park on the left side of the road. But who cares, right?

With the credits rolling, and still looking out the damned windshield, Norm suddenly realizes that they’re almost out of gas. (Oh man, not the old Out of Gas bit…c’mon…)

"We should have at least been in Los Angeles by now," Norm complains.

Uh, Norm…you’re in Missouri, so you’re, what…1800 miles behind schedule! But you still have time to pull off the main road and take a look at a run-down Dinosaur Park in the middle of the freakin’ Ozark mountains??!! Oh, and you’re out of gas?!

Again: what an idiot.

After driving along a creepy dirt road for a while, Norm spots a jeep pulled off to the side of the road and stops to take a drink from a metal canister tied to the back of the Jeep. (Boy, Norm, help yourself.) When the Jeep’s owner, Wayne Thomas (Tommy Kirk), pops out of the bush, Norm asks for directions back to the highway. Since they’re low on fuel, Wayne suggests that the Stearns continue up the road to a, bum! bum! bum!, small farmhouse where they might be able to buy a little gas.

Cut to said farmhouse where creepy Farmer Greely runs a creepy "zoo" for the tourists. (For some reason, a howler monkey is foleyed onto the soundtrack at this point…Maybe Buchanan wasn’t aware that there are no howler monkeys in central Missouri…who knows.) The Stearns pull up and Norm begins to (rudely!) honk his horn like it’s some sort of service station. (Note to Norm: Don’t be rude to Ozark rednecks that run creepy zoos in the middle of nowhere.)

Greely announces that the gasoline truck will be around later in the day, so Norm and Leilla might as wait inside until the truck shows up. (Greely’s sly questions as too whether or not anybody is waiting for them, looking for them, etc, would have raised anybody’s hackles, but, no, not the stone-headed Stearns.)

Once inside, Greely scurries off to find his house keeper, Bella, only to find her sulking in her room, refusing to "do it again". What this "it" is, well, you can probably imagine it involves the giant ping-pong ball eyed monster on the DVD cover. Greely, always considerate of other’s feelings, smacks Bella around a bit and threatens to feed her to the monster if the Stearns catch wind of what’s going on and run away. Realizing that she has no choice, Bella goes downstairs to distract the Stearns while Greely goes outside to hide their car.

Just as Greely gets outside, Wayne drives up and asks if the Stearns are ok. (Why would he care?) Greely, responds by konking him on the back of the head with his pistol and dragging him down into a cave behind the house. Say what you may about Greely, but he sure is efficient.

Meanwhile, Bella brings the Stearns some tea and engages them in nervous chatter but balks when Norm asks her to open the curtains because she’s afraid they’ll see Greely dragging Wayne off into the woods. (Not to mention that they’d see Greely hiding their car.) Murmuring something about how "Mr. Greely doesn’t like to have them open," Norm shouts back "Well! He’ll just have to make an exception this time!" (I guess Norm isn’t used to being a guest in somebody’s house!) Leilla, the only one with any kind of sense, demands to leave, but Norm poo-poo’s her concerns and hell, the car’s out of gas anyway, so blah blah blah.

Greely, with the aid of crappy editing, suddenly teleports back into the living room and suggests that they take a gander at his "zoo" while they wait. As Leilla whimpers with nervous fear, and really Norm, maybe you should pay more attention to her misgivings, the Stearns accompany Greely behind the house to see his eclectic menagerie of stock-footage animals. (Snakes, monkeys, some sort of bob cat…basically whatever footage Buchanan could get his hands on for the scene.) At the end of the massive collection of, oh, 5 animals, Greely takes them down into his cave to see his "prize" animal.

Greely’s Amazing Zoo

Being a crappy, talky, turgid film, we’re now tormented with a long, long walking scene as the actors trudge through a real cave that I guess the producer bribed to have opened to them on a Sunday or something. (Or maybe they just filmed it when the tour guides weren’t looking.)

(In fact, the cave scenes were filmed in Onyx Cave, Eureka Springs, Arkansas, a local tourist destination. I couldn’t resist looking up the web site for this place. The cave does have self-guided tours, and even though movie was filmed 40+ years ago, I suspect it has always been so – I wouldn’t be surprised if the camera and equipment were just snuck in and used to film the scenes.)

When Greely leaves the Stearns alone for a moment ostensibly to go and "turn on the rest of the lights", Norm and Leilla gaze around the cavern in numb disbelief.

"What kind of a place is this?" Norm wonders while peering about the, well, cave. So I Guess that’s what it is, Norm. Oh, wait, now I see it…there’s a bed and nightstand standing against the far wall. Yeah, that would be kind of strange.

To my great non-surprise, Greely pulls a lever which releases a set of iron bars behind Norm and his unwitting wife. "This room…wasn’t intended…just for us," Leilla stammers, "There’s been others here…what do you supposed happened to them?" (Once again, we’ll just have to take the actor’s word for it since the viewer is never shown anything.) Suddenly, up crawls a wounded Wayne Thomas from behind a set of stalagmites where Greely had previously dumped him. (How somebody couldn’t notice a grown man laying behind a little stalagmite is beyond me.)

OK, this is really BS. Thinking back to when Greely bonked Wayne on the head while the Stearns sat in the living room, there’s no way he could have dragged Wayne that deep into the cave and gotten all the way back to the living room in the time it took Norm to stand up and open the curtains. No freakin’ way. Normally I wouldn’t make such a big deal out of what might be considered an insignificant detail, but there are a couple of factors to keep in mind:

1) This movie makes me mad, so I want to "get even" with it.

2) This site thrives on insignificant details. So…there. Now I feel better.

Later that evening, Greely tries to rationalize his actions to Bella, who’s having second thoughts about the whole "feed strangers to the monster in the cave" lifestyle she’s been sharing with him all these years. Greely, using an allegory involving a drop of rain, a lizard, and a hog (!) tries to explain in a round-about way how everything is important in the circle of life.

Or something.

Meanwhile, back in the cave, Leilla sees the iron bars and locked door and astutely notes, "It looks like we’re prisoners here." Boy, there’s no sneaking one by you, is there Leilla?

"Hey, there’s a tunnel back here," Norm shouts, "It goes almost straight down!" (Uh…how in the hell is that supposed to help then? Shouldn’t you be more interested in the "up" direction?)

Anyway, Bella brings some food down to the prisoners at which time Norm immediately accosts her and demands to know about the tunnel.

"The house…[dramatic pause]…the cellar of the house," Bella meekly informs him.

"You could both go to jail for this!" Norm threatens as he demands to see Greely. (Um…could go to jail?)

Leilla jumps in and tries a softer, ‘womanly’ approach.

Bella quickly confesses that there is an "it", but if she reveals any more information, then Greely will give her to "it" as well.

Realizing that this would be an ideal time to escape, Norm and Wayne overpower Bella, force her up the tunnel to the cellar door, and force Greely to unlock the passage and let them out.

Wait. No. That’s what anybody with half a brain would have done.

Our group of imbeciles, simply ask Bella to give them her lantern as they let her traipse back out of the cage and lock them in again.

"What is this thing?" Wayne asks. (Well, Wayne, actually it’s an "it", but let’s not split hairs.)

Norm, actually showing a rare glimpse of intelligence, suggests that Greely is just trying to scare them into paying him money for their release.

"Well, they don’t stand to make too much off an assistant professor of paleontology!" Wayne says in what has to be the Year’s Clunkiest Line of Dialog.

Anyhoo, Wayne takes a flashlight and decides to explore the tunnel.

"You really take this ‘thing’ business seriously, don’t you?" Norm derides him. (Again, guys, at the risk of being pedantic, if they’d listened to Bella, they would remember that it’s an "it", not a "thing". Sheesh! Attention to detail, people, attention to detail.)

Not wanting to see Wayne go into the scary crevice alone, Leilla accompanies him into the darkness. Norm, not to be out-toughed by an assistant professor of paleontology, reluctantly trudges along with them into the "darkness". (I type "darkness" in quotes because this was filmed in a tourist attraction after all, so as our intrepid prisoners plunge deeper into the unknown, there are helpful handrails (!) and artfully placed spot lights illuminating all the rock formations in cheerful colors. It just doesn’t say "Cracks of Death".)

"Listen!" Wayne says as the trio comes to an abrupt stop.

"It sounds like water," Norm helpfully explains to the viewer since the soundtrack is absolutely silent. (I guess the sound-fx guys forgot to foley water noises over the scene. I’m not kidding. It’s really that bad.)

"Good Lord, look at this," Norm says with as much enthusiasm as somebody asking for an Arby’s job application.

Yep, it’s another helpfully illuminated and hand-railed staircase leading down into even more indistinguishable caves. But this time it’s extra spooky because one of the film crew set off a fire extinguisher to make a bunch of "fog". (I just have to reiterate how funny it is to think that the evil Greely would actually install safety handrails leading down to the monster’s feeding pit.)

"I’m going to find out where that water leads to," says Wayne in a determined assistant professor of paleontology manner.

Greely, realizing that there’s about 40 minutes of run time left, teleports out of nowhere so the others can kill some time and try to convince him to let them go. Blah blah blah, in an awkward scene, even for this movie (!), Wayne manages to knock Greely’s gun out his hand; the camera gives us a quick cut-away to make sure we realize that this is a Plot Point.

Greely just laughs and runs off while the others stare at his receding figure instead of, oh, I don’t know, grabbing the gun and forcing him to let them out of the caves.

Oh wait. In the scuffle for the gun, Wayne was shot. (Nice editing.)

"I’ll be ok," he says as Leilla dabs her handkerchief directly over his heart. (So he was shot in the heart!?)

"Did he get away?" Wayne gasps.

"Yes," Norm growls, "and thanks to you he probably won’t be coming back!"

OK…what the hell is Norm’s problem? Fine. He’s a jerk. But he’s just a jerk for the sake of the script. There is no reason for him to despise Wayne as he does. I mean, Wayne managed to disarm Greely and took a bullet to the chest in the process, and Norm still feels compelled to nag on him. Why, Mr. Buchanan, why?!

Oh man, now Norm and Leilla start arguing over their relationship and what Leilla really means to him and…folks, is this really the time to air out your dirty laundry? Soooo…Norm trudges off down into the fog by himself as Leilla finishes tending to Wayne’s wounds.

"Stearn…you better get back up here!" Wayne shouts with a surprising amount of energy for somebody who’s just been shot in the heart.

"Why?" shouts Norm from below.

And…as if to answer that very question, up pops the Monster in all of it’s rubber-suit, ping-pong ball eyed glory:

This really has to be one of the goofiest monsters of all time. And after over 5 years of running this site, that’s saying a lot!

Norm fires off a couple of shots at the..oh wait…is it that big?!! Oh…come on! Yes, through the magic of foreshortening, i.e., filming the monster closer to the lens to make it look "huge", we’re supposed to believe that the creature must be about 100 feet tall.

Anyway, Norman, because he’s a jerk, gets eaten, while Wayne, magically recovered from his sucking chest wound, jumps up and shields Leilla from the horrible sight as he shooshes her up the stairs and back to the relative safety of the caged area.

"There’s been nothing like that for millions of years!" notes Wayne, who is after all, an assistant professor in paleontology.

(I’ll go out on a limb here and say that there’s probably NEVER been anything like that…)

Wayne suggests that the monster is a "massasaurus" a kind of "aquatic lizard."

Uh, sure, Wayne, sure.

Later, Greely saunters down to the cave to indulge in the film’s obligatory "James Bond Villain Exposition" scene. (The scene where the Villain spills the beans to James Bond just before he kills him because there is just NO WAY Bond can escape, so what the hell? Might as well reveal all the details…) As the prisoners listen in rapt attention, Greely proceeds to fill in the monster’s back story about how he found it, locked it up in the cavern and fed it "cattle, sheep,…sometimes a coyote that I’d catch…"

As you probably guessed, Greely eventually moved up to feeding transients and tourists to the monster, "people who wouldn’t be missed…people whose family and friends thought they’d been swallawd up [sic]."

As Greely curtly reminds Leilla that she must decide whether she wants to be his new woman or be monster food (I think I know what I’d choose), Wayne makes one last ditch effort to appeal to Greely’s rational side,

"Greely! For once, try to think like a scientist!"

(Did Wayne mention that he’s an assistant professor of paleontology?)

"Why should I care about mankind?!" Greely bitterly shouts before breaking into a bout of really, really bad mad scientist laughter. (Really, I thought actor Billy Thurman would get a hernia from forcing his laughter so hard.)

Well, while Greely laughs his ass off all the way back to the house, Bella sneaks down to the cave and explains her story to Wayne and Leilla via a long, boring flashback sequence.

"It seems like an eternity ago…" she begins, (Yeah…tell me about it!) as we fade to see her driving a car around through the woods. (Oh no, please, not another driving scene…)

Blah, blah, blah-diddy-blah. Like many others before her, Bella made the mistake of stopping over for the night and was captured by the psychopathic Greely. But instead of feeding her to <cue evil laughter>, "it", he kept her around because she was so "purdee".

He finally serves her a dead mouse on a plate and she cracks…Uh. Whatever.

OK, after 20 minutes of Bella’s flashback…

20 minutes!!! It’s a new Monster Shack Flashback Duration record! The whole freakin’ movie’s only 80 minutes long as it is!…

Bella tries to escape but Greely eventually catches her, knocks her to the ground, and begins viciously beating her with his belt.

Charming.

"…I’d become one of Greely’s animals," Bella tearfully concludes as we leave the flashback and cut back to the cave.

Moving right along, Wayne convinces Bella to abandon Greely and join sides with them. Remembering that he has some dynamite in his bag (and what assistant professor of paleontology wouldn’t have dynamite with them at all times), Wayne tells Bella to sneak upstairs and bring back a couple of sticks of dynamite from his car. ( I’m not too sure that setting off explosions in a cave while you’re in it is such a good idea, but let’s just keep moving along.)

Bella, desperately needing an excuse to sneak the dynamite down to Wayne, decides that delivering a fresh pot of coffee to the prisoners is the best ruse she can come up with. (Bella, Greely’s dumb, but he ain’t that dumb!) Since everything just sort of "happens" in this movie for no reason, for no reason Greely just happens to walk into the kitchen at that very moment. Naturally, Greely suspects Bella of sneaking around, and deftly drugs the coffee behind her back so he can go down and snoop around the cell after everybody’s been rendered unconscious.

Sooooooooo…Bella nonchalantly goes back down to the cave and delivers the (unbeknownst to her) drugged coffee along with the smuggled dynamite. Wayne immediately sets to work rigging a crude bomb and instructs Bella to meet them at the car in "…oh, about 30 minutes…". (Wow! Now that’s precision timing!)

BUT WAIT!!! WAYNE AND LEILLA DRANK THE COFFEE!

I guess Greely’s poison is a slow acting agent since it gives Leilla time to flirt with Wayne and discuss getting together with him once they escape the caves. (Good grief woman, your husband was just eaten by an 80-foot beast from hell only 30 minutes ago!) Thankfully for the viewer, this nauseating flirt scene is interrupted as the drug finally takes effect causing Wayne and Leilla to quickly pass out… but not before the Wonder Wayne manages to hide the dynamite under the bed! You go, boy!

After a few moments, Greely comes down and begins snooping around to see if Bella and the prisoners have been conspiring behind his back. Not finding the dynamite which is laying juuuuuuuust under the edge of the bed (read: of course he would have seen it!), Greely scoops Leilla up in his arms and takes her down to the feeding pit. Seconds later, Bella comes down (from the house? Wasn’t she told to meet them at the car?) and tells Wayne, groggy but recovering, that Leilla is in mortal peril in the room below.

Meanwhile, down below, Greely binds Leilla’s arms and legs (why? why?) as the monster peeks out from behind a rock to see what’s on the menu for tonight.

And man, there’s no way that monster is 80-feet tall…

I mean, come on!

Greely, in a rare fit of generosity, gives Leilla one last chance to join him in the house and become his servant, or else, to put it bluntly, she’s monster chow. (That’s probably a pretty tough decision for somebody to make…hmmmm…be fed to a hell beast or become Greely’s maid…I know what I’d choose.)

Unsurprisingly, Leilla refuses, the monster gets closer, and, and…oh, here comes Wonder Wayne running down the steps to save the day. (I guess we’re not supposed to remember that he was shot in the chest 20 minutes ago. He’s seems remarkably recovered, and his shirt doesn’t even have a blood stain on it. Strange.)

As luck would have it, Greely spots his pistol laying on the floor at the foot of the stairs (Remember the pistol that Norm knocked out of Greely’s hand about an eternity ago?), but Wayne plants a vicious kick right in Greely’s kisser and knocks him unconscious before he can grab it. (Using "Greely" and "kisser" in the same sentence really gives me the creeps.)

Well, Wayne and Leilla run back to the surface as Bella walks down the stairs. (Boy, this place gets a lot of freakin’ traffic for a hell-beast feeding pit!) Seeing the dynamite on the floor, Bella lights the fuse and explains to the now-recovered Greely that she plans to blow the place up in order to put an end to the monster. (And the film.) Naturally, the time Bella uses to needlessly explain her motives to the viewer gives Greely an opportunity to grab the pistol and shoot her in the chest. (If Bella’s powers of recovery are anything like Wayne’s, she really has nothing to worry about it.)

Anyway, big surprise, the monster craws out of its goo-pool just as the dynamite goes off burying it and Greely beneath tons of rock.

Boy, it’s just so damned ironic, you know?

Back outside, Leilla insists that Wayne should tell someone about all this. (Uh, ya think?!)

"Yeah, they’ll dig," Wayne whines in reply, "They’ll dig, but they won’t find anything!" (They won’t find the corpse of an 80-foot lizard-man in a tiny cave complete with stairs, handrails, and illumination?)

"Maybe there never was anything…" Wayne puzzlingly concludes as we cut back to the monster’s bubbling pool and, yes, see the the corny closing shot…(Maybe he’s referring to Monster A-Go Go?)

Dennis Grisbeck (June 2010)

Read more about It’s Alive at

Directed by Dave Bradley

Written by Steve Bennett, Peter Miles

Run Time: 91 minutes

Tagline: The most incredible plot to conquer the world!

	Phil Day (Walter Stocker) The most incompetent CID Agent the world has ever seen. Nevertheless, Phil is sent to Mandoras to save the world. Thank goodness he drags his wife along with him to help out.
	K.C. Day (Audrie Caire) Phil’s wife and trusted companion. If true love isn’t standing by your husband’s while he travels to Mandoras and fights Nazis, then I don’t know what is.
	Camino / Teo (Carlos Rivas) Two characters. One actor. Less money.
	Prof. Coleman (John Holland) Professor Coleman is the only person in the world who knows the antidote for G-gas. He’s also pretty good at karate chopping Nazis.
	Police Chief Alaniz (Nestor Paiva) The oily Chief of Police in Mandoras. Everybody is shocked when they find out he’s actually working for Hitler…or is he?
	Adolf Hitler (Bill Freed) Wow. What more could I possibly add to this?

Re-animated body parts have been standard B-movie fare since the day somebody figured out how easy it would be to create a monster by cutting a hole in a blanket, sticking somebody’s hand through it, and have it ‘crawl’ across the bed towards an unwitting babe. Oh, and it makes for a cheap special effect as well, which has always been a prime motivation for movie makers since time immemorial. (Well, at least it’s been a motivation for the folks that have made the films on this web site.)

The most common evil appendage is, naturally, the hand. This highly versatile"monster" has several advantages:

It is readily available so no extra actors need to be hired. (read: money.) Hands can also grasp items, choke people, open doors, and pretty much do anything that a "normal" hand can do. (Keep it clean, people, keep it clean! This is a family web site.) Such hand-centric films range from the 1946 classic horror film The Beast with Five Fingers (which scared the hell out of me as a kid!) all the way to the terribly dull The Crawling Hand (1963). (And yes, we can never forget about "Thing" from the Addams Family.) Regardless of the quality of the film itself, there is something inherently creepy about a disembodied hand lurking about in the darkness waiting to strangle unsuspecting snoozers. (I remember as a kid I always tucked in my blankets at the end of the bed to prevent any five-fingered beasts from crawling up and grabbing my foot…a horror too great to contemplate at the time!)

In addition to hands there’s not really any other body part that could be a film villain in its own right because, well, besides hands, what other body parts do we have that could possibly pose any sort of threat? Oh, and yes, before you say it, there are rare instances of a self-aware genitalia: namely a talking vagina in Chatterbox (1977) (gotta love that title!), and even a dormant extraterrestrial penis in 3001: A Penis Odyssey (2007), but since I have not seen these movies, nor really want to, let’s just drop the whole subject. (OK. I lied. I really want to see them both!) Actually, Peter Jackson’s 1992 über-gore fest Brain Dead, features a "living" large intestine that slithers about and even admires itself while preening in a mirror! But Mr. Jackson, God bless him, is in a class of his own, so we’ll exclude him from the rest of the discussion.

Hyper-intelligent disembodied space-brains have been known to cause problems, namely Gor and Vol in John Agar’s delightful The Brain From Planet Arous (1953). Otherwise, brains are just, well, more gross than scary. (I have to admit, one of my guilty pleasures is Steve Martin’s The Man With Two Brains (1983)…I laugh out loud every time I see that movie. Sorry.)

The only other potential body part that could pose any kind of threat is the head, which is basically a brain-carrier anyway. Such nefarious noggins include the infamous severed head (‘Jan in the Pan’) from the sleazy 1962 sci-fi flick The Brain That Wouldn’t Die , and the bizarre 1972 "buddy film" The Thing With Two Heads featuring football star ‘Rosey’ Grier as a black guy forced to have a racist white head surgically attached to his body! Let the wackiness begin!

Unfortunately for sci-fi filmmakers, there’s nothing really inherently scary about a living head. I mean, sure, it’s gross…but what could it ever do? It has no means of locomotion, it can’t maneuver objects, it has no body to attack with (nor lungs or vocal chords, so how these heads talk is a mystery.) But…what if…what if the head came from a really eeeeeeeeeeevil person? Maybe it would pose more of a threat then just any old disembodied talking topknot. Right?

Enter They Saved Hitler’s Brain.

Before we begin, it’s interesting to point out that our current film is actually a re-release of a different film that was made nearly a decade earlier: Madmen of Mandoras. The story in a nutshell: in the late 1960′s a group of film students bought ‘Madmen’, slapped 30 minutes of new footage at the beginning (with an absolute minimum of story continuity), and re-released it as a made for TV feature called They Saved Hitler’s Brain. (Despite TSHB’s official release date of 1963, it was in fact released much later, possibly even as late as the early 70′s.) The new footage is easy to identify as the hair styles, clothes fashions, and even car models change literally from scene to scene where the new material is grafted into the original movie. Since none of the new characters are actually in the older part of the movie (obviously), the ‘writers’ were required to kill them off or simply have them disappear at about the 30 minute mark as we plunge into the original film.

Oh, and here’s the trailer for you:

As much as I love horrible plots and awkward transitions, this is ridiculous.

We open with an establishing shot of the "El Camino Technological Institue…Chemical Division"…as indicated by a hand-painted cardboard sign affixed to a chain-link fence outside of an apartment building. Inside the <cough>, Institute, <cough>, one of the researchers, Dr. Bernard, removes some files from a safe and calls somebody named Mr. Van Pelt to inform him that he has "the formula." (Mwu-ha-ha!) Donning his hat over his all-to-obvious 1970′s haircut (remember that the first 30 minutes of the movie was filmed nearly a decade after the original release), Bernard makes his exit.

Cut to see a guy taking a call at a pay phone…and this guy is a dead ringer for Jake Blues. It’s creepy. So, let’s keep things simple and call the guy Agent Jake.

Separated at birth?

Anyhoo, Agent Jake accepts the call and thanks to some clunky exposition, we discover that it’s none other than Mr. Van Pelt calling to see if Dr. Bernard has made his left the Institute yet. (Uh oh! I smell a double cross!) Before the tension overwhelms you, I’ll go ahead and tell you that Bernard gets in his car and is promptly blown to smithereens by a car bomb when he turns over the ignition. Agent Jake and his partner, let’s call him Agent Elwood for simplicity’s sake, speed off in their black spOOk-mobile as we sit to ponder just what in the hell is going on here.

Meanwhile, at Criminal Investigation Division (CID) headquarters, we see somebody reading the latest edition of the L.A. Times whose headline boldly exclaims:

("gov’t." ?!)

In strolls Agent Vic, who’s been summoned to meet with his hitherto unnamed boss. (Oh, let me give you a hint, his bosses initials are Mr. V.P. Wow! Ian Fleming, eat your heart out!) The two investigators begin discussing Dr. Bernard’s recent fiery demise. Without further ado, the conversation turns to Dr. Bernard’s work on the formula for the antidote to "G-gas". Sure, Vic had done a little work on it in the "L7 Project", but sadly, the only known formula has now been destroyed along with Dr. Bernard.

But wait. Vic explains that Dr. Bernard wasn’t the only one with the antidote’s formula. No, somebody named Dr. Coleman also has a copy of it in his possession. (Does your head hurt yet? Why do movies with such inane plots seem to always have such convoluted back stories? Ack!) As we continue to scratch our heads, Mr. V.P. gives Vic a dossier of Dr. Bernard’s work and is sent home to read through it for clues. As Vic walks through the door, his boss informs him that another agent, Toni, will be working on the case with him. Hmmm…’Toni’ with an ‘i’. I wonder where this is headed.

After Vic leaves the office, a secretary announces over the intercom that "A man from Mandoras is calling for you, Mr. Van Pelt."

Wait a minute! Could he be the same Mr. Van Pelt that killed Dr. Bernard?! Dear Lord! What a twist!

Van Pelt eagerly grabs the prop phone from his desk and explains to the party on the other end that there is another person who has the formula for the G-gas antidote: Dr. Coleman. (Just go with it. It works for me.)

The next day we see Vic sitting on his porch at home in a surprisingly run down apartment complex. I mean, James Bond wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like this. Anyway, I’m not saying that this was filmed at the actor’s apartment. But still, you gotta wonder…

Living large as a Secret Agent

As Vic sips his coffee, up drives Agent Toni in a beat up VW Bug. ( I’m not saying that’s the actress’ real car. Nope. But still…you gotta wonder…)

The mirth begins for real when Vic is shocked to see that his new partner is, wait for it…a woman! Get it? Her name is Toni! With an "i"! Ah, God, I love rich wordplay like this.

Toni explains why she was late: "None of the streets have signs and none of the houses have numbers on them!" To me, this sort of obstacle should be something that an Agent should be able to overcome without too much trouble, but there you go. After all, she is a girl, so that explains it.

Secret Agent Toni trying to find Vic’s address

After inviting Toni inside his apartment for a cup of coffee (the interior shots of Vic’s ‘apartment’ are now obviously being filmed inside somebody’s house), Vic gets into an argument with her because she’s just a Girl and the mission might be too dangerous, but she can take of herself and she worked hard to get this job, and boy, this is a really thought provoking scene. It really makes you wonder about the crap that female Agents must have to put up with from their male counterparts. The ‘Glass Ceiling’. Toni’s frustrated professional ambitions. (Well, actually, I’m not thinking about that, but maybe I’m supposed to.)

Anyway, Vic and Toni make amends and settle down on porch to discuss Dr. Bernard. (The porch is now in somebody’s back yard instead of an apartment building. Strange.) It turns out that Dr. Bernhard spent a lot of time in…bum! bum! bum! a place called Mandoras where it’s rumored that lots of…wait for it…Nazis have fled after the war. Toni suggests interviewing Dr. Coleman about his connections with Bernhard, but Vic says it’s not necessary because Van Pelt is handling that part of the case. (Vic is also unable to interview Dr. Coleman because he’s in a different movie!)

Now we catch our first glimpse of the original footage from the older movie. A group of scientists sitting in a darkened room are watching a film demonstrating the effects of G-gas on an elephant. (!) (This horrible display of the lethal power of G-gas is simply a bit of stock footage showing an elephant walking around and then laying down to take a nap.) After watching the elephant doze off, er, I mean die from the G-gas, Professor Coleman explains that G-gas is so powerful that a hair-spray sized canister is potent enough to kill everybody within 800 square miles. (!) But don’t worry, Coleman reassures the others that the formula for the only known antidote rests safe with him. (Oh. Gee. I wonder what’s going to happen to him?)

Meanwhile, in the hallway outside the conference room, a Hispanic Guy tries to talk his way past a solitary MP so he can tell Coleman something of utmost importance. Alas, before he gets a chance to explain, an unseen man moves out of the shadows and Hispanic Guy scurries off. (The MP stands and watches with bored curiosity as HG runs away…great security.)

Moving right along…

Guy From the Shadows walks past the MP with a nod of the head and into the conference room, so I guess he’s some sort of big shot. Once inside, we see Coleman making small talk with his son-in-law, Phil Day, whose married to his daughter, Kathy. Through some awkward dialog, we learn that Phil is a newly promoted CID Field Agent, so I expect he’ll be sent to Mandoras to investigate before too long. Coleman quickly introduces Guy From the Shadows as his assistant, Frank Dvorak. (Having fun with all these names yet? Me too.) As Phil takes his leave and goes home for dinner, Coleman gets a phone call and is informed that his other daughter, Suzanne, has been kidnapped and he better get his butt over to her apartment…or else! When Coleman gets there, he discovers Suzanne’s boyfriend, David, laying on the floor unconscious.

OK, let’s take a pause and have a quick character wrap up after 15 minutes of run time:

Dr. Bernard, Agent Vic, Agent Toni, Agent Van Pelt, Prof. Coleman, Agent Phil, Kathy, Suzanne, David, Dr. Frank, Hispanic Guy, Agent Jake, and Agent Elwood.

Yeah, pretty damned tiring, isn’t it? (And you’re telling me?!) Well, don’t despair: Bernard’s already dead and almost everybody else abruptly disappears for good in about 10 minutes as the new footage ends and we plunge into the older film for the duration.

Anyway, David comes to his senses and tells Coleman that a couple of men kicked his ass and then abducted Suzanne. Coleman, understandably upset, rushes out to find a phone to call the cops with David tagging along behind him. No sooner does Coleman step outside then 2 men force him and David at gunpoint into a waiting car. (A couple of jarring cut scenes show Agent Toni, in the new footage, watching all this from her VW Bug and following as they drive off.) I’m really hoping that the 2 guys who just abducted Coleman and David are not supposed to be the Blues Brothers Bad Guys because they don’t look anything like them. Sadly, I think they are supposed to be one and the same. To further confuse the hapless viewer, i.e., me, Hispanic Guy jumps out from some bushes where he also saw everything, and gives chase as well. Yippee!

On a side note, one of the oldest "tricks" in the book for making a shot appear to be taken at night (besides blue-filtering it) is to foley chirping crickets onto the soundtrack. Sure it works, and can be convincing to some extent…but not when it’s broad daylight out! Yes, the exciting scenes of Toni following the bad guys is filmed in broad daylight with crickets chirping because it’s nighttime in the original movie and their trying to "blend" in the new footage (filmed in daylight) with the old. It’s amazing!

Must be a really bright full moon…

Anyway, after reaching the hideout, the bad guys hustle Coleman out of the car and inside the house. (David, who was also kidnapped in the previous scene, has literally disappeared from the scene. Nice continuity.)

Meanwhile, Toni manages to sneak up to the house and stand outside a window in order to hear the bad guys talking. One of the kidnappers calls Van Pelt and informs him that they’ve accidentally overdosed Coleman with truth-drugs while interrogating him. (Doh!) At the same time, one of the spies opens the shades to get some fresh air (!) and spots Toni standing directly outside the window. (Way to go, Agent Toni.) Caught like a deer in headlights, Toni runs to her car and the bad guys give chase.

Due to some hitherto unknown time dilation effect, even though the bad guys were only 10 seconds behind Toni, she manages drive to a pay phone, park the car, and call Vic to tell him where Coleman is being held. (Amazingly, this scene is actually filmed at night, but now the crickets have stopped chirping. Go figure.) As Toni hangs up the phone, the bad guys drive up (now daytime) and fire a few bullets into Toni (now nighttime) before burning rubber and driving away.

After Toni’s call, Vic drives over to the address that was given to him. Once inside, after some perfunctory peeking about, Vic is stunned when Van Pelt jumps out and holds him at gunpoint. Just as Van Pelt is about to shoot Vic, Toni, gravely wounded, stumbles out of nowhere and kills Van Pelt before collapsing on the floor and dying. (And yes, I’m also trying to figure out just how a mortally wounded Toni crawled all the way back to the house before both Vic could drive there and before the bad guys who actually shot her could return as well.)

Whatever. At this point, the bad guys arrive, see Vic, and start chasing him, but not before shooting him in the shoulder. After a really, really lame car chase scene, Vic passes out from blood loss (from a shoulder wound?!), and crashes his car into a pole where it explodes and he dies as well. Note however, before hitting the pole, day turns into night, and Vic’s car changes both make and color. Strange. Oh, I guess this can be explained by the fact that the crash scene is lifted from yet a 3rd film, the 1958 Robert Michum flick, Thunder Road. Nice work, peeps.

The Amazing Transforming Car

Now, with all the characters from the new footage now killed off, we can now safely cut to the original film made over a decade before this new crappy stuff. And if you think the transition between the 2 parts is a smooth one, then you better think again.

Cut to Phil’s house where our hero is returning after a hard day’s CID work to pick up his wife, Kathy (aka "KC"), for an evening out on town. As they leave home, Hispanic Guy jumps out of the shadows and and insists on speaking to him about a most urgent matter. When Phil refuses, HG pulls a gun and forces the couple into their car. As they drive off, a second, black car (black, since they’re eeeevil) follows close behind.

As they drive around, HG tells Phil that Professor Coleman has been kidnapped and taken to Mandoras. Before he can reveal any more information, the dark car that’s been tailing them pulls up along side and fires a bullet into HG’s neck.

"Something’s wrong!" KC shouts as the bad guys peel off.

"What is it?" asks Agent Phil.

Gee, maybe it has something to do with the gunshot fired 2 feet from your window, you moron!

Instead of immediately pulling over and summoning help, Phil drives around for a while, a long, long while I guess, since it’s now daytime again (man, I’m getting sick of this), and finally stops the car.

"He’s been shot!" Phil the Super Sleuth deduces after seeing the bullet hole in the guy’s neck.

Despite being shot in the side of the neck from close range, HG manages to hang on long enough to reveal that his name is Teo. He also has the strength to pull out a book of matches and shows Phil how to hold them as a secret signal. Apparently, in Mandoras, holding a book of matches upside-down means that you are a "friend", but honestly, I have no idea what in the hell he’s talking about. Anyway, after showing Phil the Mandoras Match Trick, Teo expires.

Being a government agent and officer of the law, Phil does the responsible thing and immediately reports Teo’s death to the authorities. No, just kidding. Since this is a stupid movie, Phil simply stuffs Teo’s body into a nearby phone booth. (Paying no attention to a couple of people who stroll by and see the whole thing!) While KC rifles through Teo’s wallet for clues, Phil shoves himself alongside Teo’s body in the booth and calls Coleman’s office. (Again, all this takes place in broad daylight on a busy street without any bystanders batting an eye? Man, this must be a rough part of town!) We cut to see the phone ringing in Coleman’s office, while Coleman’s assistant, Frank, simply gives a sinister stare and leaves the room without taking the call. So, yes, Frank must be in cahoots with the Nazis or something. Why else wouldn’t he answer his boss’s personal phone in the middle of the night?

After letting the phone ring, oh, 3 or 4 times, Phil declares, "[Teo] must have been telling the truth!"

Yes, Phil, I’m sure that’s the only explanation for Coleman not being at his office in the middle of the night to take a random phone call.

Convinced of the veracity of Teo’s warning, Phil and KC drop everything and fly off to the remote island of Mandoras.

"Are you sure we’re doing the right thing?" KC asks as they leave the airport upon arrival. (Now you ask?)

To my great chagrin, one of the other passengers is an obnoxious Texan (complete with 10-gallon hat and crappy accent) named Tom Sharon. He says he’s in Mandoras to …mwu-ha-ha!!!…take care of some "business", so I bet this isn’t the last we see of him. (Although I hope this is the last we hear of his ridiculous accent.)

Much to Phil’s surprise, the local police chief, Police Chief Alaniz (played by über-ubiquitous character actor Nestor Paiva), and his sleepy deputy, Julio, greet them at the customs office and shoosh them into a waiting car. Despite Phil’s queries as to the reason behind this special reception, Alaniz insists that he’s just "following orders" and whisks them off to the hotel. Watching the whole episode is yet another suspicious character standing off to the side, Sunglass Guy. Boy, my spidey-sense is all a-tingle now. Oh, wait, 2 more suspicious guys are also observing the action, and quickly jump into a car and follow Alaniz as soon as he takes off. (Good grief. Enough espionage, already!)

Later that night, Alaniz and the others arrive at the economically named "Hotel Mandoras". (Sheesh, it was broad daylight when they left the airport; just how for away is it hotel anyway!?) The black sedan driven by the 2 sleazy guys also arrives about 10 seconds after Alaniz. So I guess they’ve tailed them through an entire day’s drive without Phil even noticing. (Nice one, Sherlock.) To add to the, er, intrigue, the other guy from the airport, Sunglass Guy, slinks in, and finds out what room Phil is staying in. (Again, Phil has no clue that he’s being tailed by 2 separate groups of people.)

Once inside their hotel room, Phil and KC exchange some pointless dialog. "[Alaniz] must be getting orders from somewhere," Phil tells KC. Uh, yeah Phil, since Alaniz himself told you that he was "just following orders" I see how you would come to that conclusion. Boy, there’s no sneaking one past you.

Anyway, after hearing a suspicious thud in the hallway, Phil yanks KC into a corner and shuts off the light. To everybody’s non-surprise, in sneaks Sunglass Guy, but before he can identify himself Phil takes a wild swing which SGG easily blocks before walloping him with a punch of his own. As the 2 men struggle, KC grabs a vase and accidentally smashes it on Phil’s head. With the fight effectively finished, SGG carries Phil over to the sofa and revives him. "With a wife like this, who needs a girlfriend," Phil grumbles after realizing it was KC that did him in. (Ho! Ho! Women!, eh Phil?) After everybody calms down, SGG shows Phil the secret matchbook signal and identifies himself as Camino.

With his face firmly superimposed over copious amounts of WW2 stock footage, Camino reveals that Hitler did not commit suicide after all. In fact, "Mr. H", as Camino now refers to Hitler (…Mr. H??!! Uh, yeah. I’m sure Hitler didn’t mind that.) had a crack team of doctors, one of whom was Camino’s brother Teo (The guy who was shot in the car…remember?). Said doctors removed Hitler’s head, placed it in some sort of life support machine (that looks like a big fish bowl), and flew him off to Mandoras where he is now gathering his forces, and through the use of the ultra-lethal G-gas, plans on taking over the world.

(Just why they had to remove Hitler’s head before flying to Mandoras is not explained. Couldn’t somebody just have given up their seat for him? Was the plane so crowded that the only available space was in the…"overhead"? ha. ha. I love me.)

After Camino finishes his astonishing tale, KC is stunned by the news:

"Hitler alive…that’s incredible!"

"I did not say ‘alive’, Señora…just not dead." (I guess Camino knows of a definition of the word "dead" that I wasn’t aware of.)

The excitement continues as Camino explains just why Phil and KC have been lured to Mandoras in the first place: The Mandoran Nazis have Hitler’s head and the G-gas. They just need to force Professor Coleman to give the formula for the antidote so they can initiate the takeover of the world.

OK. I know. That still doesn’t explain why Phil was picked. Oh, I guess it’s because Coleman is his father-in-law, which makes about as much sense as anything else in this movie.

But let me get this straight:

The only countermeasure to the Nazi’s super-weapon, i.e., G-gas, is known by Professor Coleman. The Nazis have kidnapped Coleman so they can get the antidote from him so they can unleash their gas? This sort of makes sense since the Nazis may want the antidote in case one of them because infected by accident…but then why did they blow up Dr. Bernard when he had the freakin’ formula in his very lap?! I can only assume that the movie’s plot was not intended to be overly analyzed, and at this point, that seems like sound advice.

All that aside…the phone rings and Camino learns that a hired killer who looks like a mix between Fu Manchu and Peter Sellers is standing in the street snooping around.

"His name is Vasquez…at times he’s called…the Assassin!"

Having filled in the back story for the rest of the movie, Camino promises to be nearby if they need help and leaves the hotel.

Watch out for…zeeeee Assassin!

Later that evening, Phil and KC wind up a little shopping by heading over to the local bar. (I guess finding Professor Coleman and the antidote that will save the human race took back seat to a little souvenir shopping.) Inside the bar (which seems oddly packed with Americans for being such a remote island), KC is immediately spotted by her sister Suzanne (what?!) who was busy cutting a rug on the dance floor.

After an initial round of shocked greetings, Suzanne explains that after being kidnapped and flown to Mandoras, the Germans who abducted her put her up in an a hotel and left her alone as long as she promised not to call anybody back in the States. (Yeah, that sounds like something a bunch of Hitler henchmen would do.) Ever since then, Suzanne’s been dancing away the evenings at the local jazz club and having a grand old time.

Speaking of grand old times, for no particular reason a Carmen Miranda-ish dancer takes the stage and starts performing a cha-cha-cha number. The Assassin finds this the opportune moment to sneak in the back door and strike a pose by the bar proving that subtlety is certainly not one of his strong points.

I’m sensing that this is going to wind up being a big action sequence as the camera jumps from character after character after character. Assassin, some German guy, Camino, and so on. To make the scene even more cluttered, in walks Chief Alaniz and Deputy Julio. (Oh boy, this oughtta be a fun scene…) Just as the tension builds to the breaking point (not really), the German guy fires at Phil who is saved by the dancer diving in front of him and taking the bullet. (This guy is the most sorry-assed Agent I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously. A cha-cha dancer has to save his life for Pete’s sake.)

For some reason, the lights go out and in the resulting confusion the Assassin is shot by…somebody…and mortally wounded. When the lights return, Agent Phil lays on the floor with the wounded dancer laying beside him. Sadly, both KC and Suzanne are gone. (Once again, Phil, maybe you should consider another line of work.) Anyway, Alaniz arrests Phil for Vasquez’s murder even though Phil has no gun, nor could he have hit him from the angle he was sitting at with regards to the Assassin.

After a brief ride through the night (Hey! Continuity!), Alaniz and Phil arrive at the sound stage, er ‘palace’, of Mandoran Presidente Juan Padua where he is reunited with KC and Suzanne.

El Presidente Padua explains that in a matter of hours the takeover of the world is to begin via sleeper cells of operatives awaiting orders to release clouds of G-gas throughout the country. Yep. That sounds pretty well thought out to me. Anyway, in walks the ersatz Texan, Tom Sharon (from the airport..remember?…remember?). Yeah, he’s part of the evil plan and yadda yadda yadda. After telling his prisoners exactly how the bad guys are going to execute their plan (so they can foil them later, of course), Presidente Padua has some guards whisk Phil and the girls down into a holding cell.

Vee vil rool zeee vorld!

Immediately inside the cell sits none other then long lost Professor Coleman. The Nazis are apparently compelled to torture Coleman by blaring loud noises over a gigantic speaker. (Coleman seems unaware that he really doesn’t have to sit directly under the speaker, but whatever.)

Try scootching to the right, it might help…

After tossing Phil and the girls in the cell, the Nazis turn off the wailing speakers and everybody rushes over to make sure Coleman is OK.

"I’m worth more to them alive than dead," says Coleman. (Again, if he has the only antidote, then why not kill him?)

When Coleman once again refuses to reveal the formula for the antidote, the Nazis decide enough is enough, and come into the cell to rough him up a bit. In trying to make this scene into a "tense" moment, the filmmakers inadvertently introduce an amusing continuity error: When the Nazis enter the cell they’re standing at the top of some stairs with obscured faces so their identities can be revealed in an "Oh My God" moment. However when Phil was led into the cell just a moment before, there is nothing outside the door except an empty hallway! Ahh..I live for these sorts of things. (Sad, I know.)

Anyhoo, the whole point to putting the stairs there in the first place was to hide the Nazis’ indentities until the last moment so as to shock us…and…surprise, surprise, the trailing Nazi is none other than Suzanne’s boyfriend, David. (Remember him from about 40 minutes ago?)

"Our plans will go forward with or without your willing cooperation!" Nazi #1 warns them. (And I think that’s supposed to be Coleman’s assistant, Frank, but I’m not sure. [Note from Future: It is.]

Suzanne is naturally upset when she finds out her boyfriend is a Nazi and starts chewing him out. David gets quickly fed up and smacks her across the face.

"So you’re the superior ones?" Phil sneers in disgust , "The slappers of women, the torturers of old men!"

(The "slappers of women"…that line really gave me a much needed chuckle right now.)

For some reason, the Nazis decide to take everybody out of the cell and show them "the ruler of the world". Why this is at all necessary instead of, oh, killing them!!! is beyond me. After being led to a huge empty room adorned with a gigantic swastika, they finally come face to face with the <cough> Leader of the World:

Yep. This is the scene you’ve been waiting for. Pretty awesome isn’t it?

After gazing upon Hitler’s confused visage, Coleman and the others are returned to their cell to mull things over. When Coleman lights up a smoke using a book of matches from the local bar ("A guard gave them to me…"), Phil realizes that they must have a friend hiding amongst the Nazi garrison. Deciding that it’s now or never, Phil and Professor Coleman (!) overpower a pair of guards using they always potent Karate Chop to the Back of the Neck move.

Alas, their thoughts of escape are dashed when Alaniz walks in with his pistol drawn. But oh no, the writers have yet another "unexpected" plot twist for us: Alaniz and President Padua are actually working against the Nazis and offer to help them escape from the presidential palace. Furthermore, and please sit down before you read this: Camino and Teo are President Padua’s sons!

Dear Lord! Please, gentlemen! I implore you, let me catch my breathe and try to take this all in!

OK. Now I think I’ve gotten my mind wrapped around these latest developments. Let’s move on.

After a brief discussion, the band of rebels decide to split up and take 2 cars back to town in order to gather up some locals and try to intercept the Nazis before they can load the G-gas onto airplanes and deliver it to their agents around the world. When Phil’s escape is discovered, the alarm is sounded and another chase is underway.

Meanwhile, the bad guys decide to proceed with "Operation G". (As in…’G-gas’. Get it? I hope that wasn’t too cryptic of a reference for you.) With things set in motion, Adolf’s noggin is transferred to a waiting car (all the while yelling "Mach Schnell! Mach Schnell!") so he can be driven to a secret airstrip (Why? Why?!)

Back to Phil and KC who are driving to town when, once again, Phil proves he’s totally incompetent as he doesn’t notice the headlights of the car following immediately behind them until KC (!) points it out to him!

We’re being trailed? Huh?

Anyway, after an unknown amount of time, Phil and KC make it into town, park the car, get out, and run into an alley…all before the following car arrives, which is completely impossible since it was following about 20 feet behind them the entire way. (Not like this is the biggest plot hole in the movie or anything.) Out of the car jumps David. (You remember him, right?: Phil’s wife’s sister’s ex-boyfriend turned Nazi thug? The "Slapper of Women"? )

After some "excitement" as Phil and KC hide in an alley, David eventually corners them behind some boxes.

"What’s the use, Phil? In 15 minutes everybody in this town will be dead!" David shouts.

(Well, Dave, if everybody is going to be dead from poison gas, why bother trying to shoot them? Oh, never mind…)

Agent Phil, having cleverly counted the bullets that David fired during the pursuit in the alley, tricks him into firing his last round.

"I guess you’re out of bullets now, David," Phil gloats as he steps out of the shadows.

Boy, Phil, that would really suck if David had another pistol, wouldn’t it?

"Not exactly, Phil!" says David as he pulls out another pistol.

I just have to get this off my chest: Phil, you are a complete, freakin’ moron!

There. I feel better.

Phil realizes what an idiot he is and takes a shot at David with the gun that Alaniz gave him back at the palace. Ah, but the pistol is empty, which means that Alaniz gave Phil an unloaded gun. My head, really, really hurts right about now. But it really doesn’t matter. Alaniz shows up Just In Time and kills David himself. God, that was…Too Close!

Fortunately for the Good Guys, David had revealed during his mandatory Antagonist’s Gloating Plan Revelation that the gas was going to be released at 12 midnight. Alaniz and the others decide to ‘head out’ (ha ha) to the cave and intercept the Nazis before they can release the G-gas.

Cut to see turncoat Tom Sharon, Hitler (now a wax head in a jar for the long shots), and some Nazis speeding out towards the caves. But first they decided to swing into town and pick up David, whom they assume is waiting for them. (Why they would suspect that David was in town is not clear. Oh, and how much do you wanna bet that the cave is in Bronson Canyon?)

Upon arrival, Tom spots his son’s body laying in the plaza."You killed him! You killed my son!" Tom laments as he kneels beside David’s lifeless body. (Yeah, Tom, Nazis tend to do that sort of thing. Maybe you should have thought of that before casting your lot in with Adolf Hitler!)

Finally realizing that people might actually get hurt in a Nazi plot to overthrow the world, Tom has a change of heart and attacks his escort. Oh dear, Tom’s a bit slow and is gunned down before he can get close enough to do any harm. Hitler, being the vicious bastard that he is, watches from the car and makes an evil…well, maybe not evil, just weird, grin.

Well, with that scene at an end, Hitler and Frank head out to Bronson Canyon where a host of Nazi generals are soon to arrive by airplane in order to pick up their share of the gas to take back to the release points throughout the world.

Meanwhile, Alaniz has gathered a rag-tag posse of folks to help him overthrow the Nazi threat. Let me see who the Nazis are up against:

• Chief Alaniz – A cop, so maybe a threat.
• President Padua (!) – The country’s 70-year old President is tagging along?
• Phil – We’ve all seen how competent this clown is.
• KC and Suzanne – Uh, yeah. Bring them along. At least KC has proven more competent than Phil.
• Professor Coleman – Boy, you can never have too many aging chemistry professors around when fighting fascists.
• Camino – He whipped Phil’s ass when they met at the hotel, so maybe he’s a bad ass. But then again, he whipped…Phil.
• Some Guy from the bar named Pablo – Gee. I wonder what his chances of surviving are?
• Some Guy from the bar named Pablo’s girlfriend (!) – wtf?!

Wow. What an awesome threat these guys are going to be.

Back to the action: Alaniz points out the Nazi’s rendezvous point and orders everybody to head up hillside and take positions.

"Won’t there be any soldiers?" Phil asks.

"With a weapon like G-gas," Alaniz ominously replies, "what need have they for soldiers?"

Well, uh, they might have soldiers guarding the perimeter of the rendezvous point!!!

Idiots.

Reaching the top of the hill overlooking the Nazi landing site (and yes, it’s Bronson Canyon), Alaniz and the men (I have no idea where the women have disappeared to) cuddle together and take cover behind a rock.

Oh, Ok, the women were waiting at the bottom of the hill because having 6 people behind a rock would have been too easy for the Nazis to see, whereas having only 4 guys is OK. Anyway, Camino and Pablo decide to split off and attack from a different spot. Keeping true to her free-loving spirit, and with things pretty much over between her and David, Suzanne gives Camino a long, wet kiss for luck before he scampers off.

At 11:50, a strange noise fills the air. "It sounds like a plane," Alaniz says while looking up at a winged-vehicle flying through the air with the aid of a propeller. Wow. Between you and Phil…whew. I feel safer already.

As midnight approaches, a truck load of soldiers arrives at the scene.

"No soldiers, huh?" Phil says as a jab to Alaniz. (Man, what an ungrateful jerk. Alaniz saved his ass from the Nazi’s prison and that’s the type of thanks he gets?)

"We have grenades," Alaniz counters, "against soldiers they are old fashioned [?!] but effective."

"The plane should land about…there," says Alaniz as he points to the landing strip. (Seriously. You think?)

In an effort to eat up some run time, we are now forced to sit through long rock climbing scenes ("Rock climbing!" If you have to ask, don’t worry about it.) as Camino and Pablo take their positions on the cliffs.

With time running out, and most likely the film’s budget as well, things start happening pretty fast, so let’s just get this over with.

Camino and Pablo start blowing everything up with a bunch of grenades, completely catching the Nazi’s off guard. (Yeah, Nazis were never very meticulous when planning any sort of military operation.) As Frank tries to drive off with Hitler’s head, the car suddenly won’t start (boy, talk about a shitty time to get a dead battery) and Camino blows them both up with a grenade.

With the theme song from The Creature from the Black Lagoon (!!!) blaring on the soundtrack, we cut to see Hitler’s head melting in the flames. (Melting because it’s now turned into a cheap wax model.)

Later, back at the hotel, President Padua thanks Phil for saving the day.

"Confusion and surprise have won more than one war," says Phil. (Yeah, I’d definitely agree with the "confusion" part of it.)

Out of the blue, Suzanne calls to tell everybody that she and Camino are now happily married (HUH!!!!????!!!??? When did this happen?). Coleman, Alaniz, and Padua head down to the hotel bar to celebrate leaving Phil and KC to do a little celebrating of their own.

"How about changing your name, Mr. Day," KC coos.

"What did you have in mind, Mrs. Day?" Phil murmurs back.

"Like, uh, what comes after Day?…"

Close with a kiss and fade to credits…

Brain. Shutting. Down. The. End.

Dennis Grisbeck (January 2010)

Read more about They Saved Hitler’s Brain at

Directed by Ishiro Honda

Run Time: 89 minutes

Tagline: Discover the incredible world of tomorrow…15 miles straight down at LATITUDE ZERO!

The sci-fi world of the late 60’s saw a number of weird Anglo-Japanese mutations spring to life, like the terrifying space-born menace, The Green Slime. And just as wondrously, the 1969 fantasia about an enlightened genius, his super-submarine, and an undersea Shangri-la called Latitude Zero.

By contemporary standards a lush fantasy production, Latitude Zero boasted a crew of Toho Studio All Stars including composer Akira Ifukube, producer Tomoyuki Tanaka, director Ishiro Honda, and effects Grand-Meister Eiji Tusburaya. But that’s not all, for the two leads are none other than Joseph Cotten and Cesar Romero! And they speak in English! That’s because Toho, reaching out to the international market, brought in none other than Ted Sherdeman, writer of the giant-bug classic Them! In fact, the movie is an adaptation of a popular 1941 radio serial he wrote for NBC. I dug up an article on that serial published in Time Magazine, and it includes this charming vignette, “Responsible for dreaming up Latitude Zero is a thin, bespectacled wag name Ted Elton Sherdeman…Nobody is more amused by Latitude Zero than Ted…During rehearsals, which are gagged up to the limit by the cast, he sits amiably giggling at his delirious brain child.”

Delirious is certainly the right word. Probably even more for the groovy Japanese update than for the original. And while I somehow missed all the fun when it first beached on America’s shores back in 1970, thanks to the DVD release from Media Blasters I’m now able to have a complete psychedelic super-submarine flashback, and you’re invited along!

THE PLOT
Latitude Zero opens, appropriately enough, at Latitude Zero (i.e., the equator). It is here, out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, that intrepid scientists Ken Tashiro (Akira Takarada) and Jules Masson (Masumi Okada), along with intrepid reporter Perry Lawton (Richard Jaeckel) descend into the inky depths in a diving bell to study deep sea currents. Before a submarine volcano erupts and all hell breaks lose we note that Takarada and Okada are speaking phonetically learned English in their own voices! Green Slime veteran (!) Jaeckel’s English is more fluid, though spoken with a heavy American accent. Ha ha! Sorry Richard. (And actually, Okada’s English sounds pretty good. I think he could really speak it.)

After some neat explosions send our heroes hurtling past all hope of rescue from their research vessel, things start getting groovy when they regain consciousness in a golden sick bay, and moments later a young blonde in a mini-skirt/bikini combo appears and introduces herself as Dr. Anne Barton (former Miss Miami Linda Haynes). Thus are we introduced to medical care in the liberated World of Tomorrow!

Things get even wilder when Tashiro and Lawton reach the bridge of the super submarine Alpha. Here’s who they meet:

Watching this scene, slack-jawed, I realized that somehow Latitude Zero had warped the space-time continuum to channel my own secret fantasies of manly adventure mixed with space-age interiors and shiny, skin-revealing fabrics. Einstein could probably explain it, but I can’t.

But getting back to the story, Capt. McKenzie proves himself an adept tease as ace reporter Lawton peppers him with unreasonable questions like “where are we?” and “who are you?” Oh sure, he explains that the crew of the Alpha have given up their various nationalities to become “neutral.” But when asked to explain a plaque that claims the Alpha was launched in 1805 replies, “What?”

Lawton
(It’s a) joke right?

McKenzie
No.

Tashiro
But the first successful submarine wasn’t built until the 1880’s.

McKenzie
Not quite accurate doctor. A Dutchman named Van Drebbel in the service of King James of England built the first submersible that was powered by 12 oarsmen. They rowed it in the Thames at a depth of nearly 15 feet. The year of…1620!

Bested in debate, Lawton and Tashiro drop the subject – for who now can doubt the plausibility of a 500-foot steel super sub being launched in 1805? Take that skeptics of the world! But while McKenzie attempts to return to his study of the undersea volcano, he is prevented by Dr. Barton’s news that Jules Masson needs medical care she can’t provide aboard the Alpha. So McKenzie nobly, if reluctantly sets course for a secret base located at the intersection of Latitude Zero and the International Dateline. (You know, that kind of seems like a cool place to put a secret utopia. I don’t know why.)

But setting off for home rings alarm bells in Blood Rock, the headquarters of McKenzie’s brilliant arch nemesis Malek (Cesar Romero!) Aided by his sultry, amorous sidekick Lucretia (Patricia Medina), Malek is determined to out do McKenzie in everyway, including dress!

Alerted to McKenzie’s new course, Malek orders his own super sub the Black Shark, captained by the fabulously pony-tailed Kroiga, to sink the Alpha.

What follows is a classic duel between two pieces of Toho “Super Science.” I’d describe all the astounding maneuvers McKenzie’s specially modified sub pulls to outwit the powerful Black Shark, only words couldn’t do it justice. So let’s cut past the chase and jump to the Alpha’s arrival at Latitude Zero. There, protected by a glowing electronic shield of light, the Alpha and her crew are safe from the depredations of the Black Shark – for the time being. Mu ha ha ha!

Safely inside the barrier McKensie starts teasing Lawton again, casually mentioning that 100 years ago he and Malik were fellow students together. Pressed by Lawton, McKenzie triumphantly admits to being 204 years old, surely for the pleasure of seeing the reaction.

And frankly, if I looked as good as McKenzie at 204, I’d also find a way to work that bit into most of my conversations. For example, “It’s hard to believe it’s been 93 years since I first read Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past!”

Once out of the Alpha, and with Dr. Barton taking the still unconscious Masson to the hospital, we and the crew are treated to some deluxe Toho eye-candy with a tour of Latitude Zero. Accompanied by Ifukube’s soulful music, this sequence has a touchingly idealistic quality to it.

Then we get to the philosophical heart of Latitude Zero as the cynical and worldly Lawton duels with Captain “I love people” McKenzie. Oh boy.

Lawton
Who does (Latitude Zero) belong to?

McKenzie
The people who live here.

Lawton
Who runs it? Something like this can’t operate all by itself!

McKenzie
Mr. Lawton, are you a cynic by nature, or because of your profession?

Lawton
I’m a realist.

McKenzie
We are the realists. That’s why we’re not political here. Politics are only needed by people incapable of running their own lives.

Well. There you have it. And I think this is a good time for those of us who still “need” politics to bow our heads in shame…There, now that we’ve been chastened, lets get back to the eye candy!

But Lawton, leaving the towel lady behind, falls back to earth and proves himself a hard case indeed.

Lawton
I’m sorry, but a place like this just cannot run itself.

McKenzie
Maybe you’ll never understand. But when greed is made meaningless, then there is no reason for one to seek power over his neighbors. Or to become, as you would put it, top dog.

Moments later McKenzie explains that they can cheaply extract gold from seawater, and Lawton discovers a cache of diamonds dumped into a planter as mere decoration. McKenzie smiles indulgently as the foolish Lawton feverishly stuffs a handful of the “priceless” jewels into a small bag. Oh Lawton, when will you learn? When!

Oh well, let’s leave Lawton and Tashiro to enjoy the gourmet wonders provided by the volunteer-staffed “central kitchen” and check back in at Malek’s place, where it’s always Happy Hour!

Ironically however, Malek and Lucretia are not happy, what with McKenzie’s infuriating escape from the Black Shark. Worse, a certain Dr. Okada, inventor of a vaccine that provides immunity to radioactivity (!) has escaped kidnap by Malek’s Tokyo agents. But while down, Malek isn’t out. He concocts a brilliant scheme to (successfully) kidnap Okada and his daughter, and then use them to lure McKenzie to Blood Rock. With an evil chuckle he has Lucretia put Captain Kroiga on the mission, after which he plans to “retire” her. Why? Because Lucretia can’t stand her (meeaaooww!) and he, well, I guess he just enjoys being evil. Just like McKenzie enjoys being a fashion-forward dresser.

Alas, McKenzie is so busy showing off Latitude Zero to his new guests, Malek and Kroiga get the opening they need to hijack Okada off an ocean liner. And you know what that means, don’t you? Happy Hour Part Two!

This leaves our stalwart company of heroes, including a completely healed Jules Masson, no choice but to dress up in shiny gold jump suits and head off to Blood Rock to rescue Okada. – After stripping down and soaking in the “bath of immunity” that is. “The what!?” I hear you ask. The “bath of immunity.” It’s simple really. You merely submerge yourself in scientifically treated water for a count of three, and you become impervious to things like fire, bullets, and heavy boulders – for a period of 24 hours. Any more questions? – I didn’t think so.

Back on Blood Rock it’s Happy Hour Part Three as Malek attempts to pry out the secret of Dr. Okada’s serum over drinks. Alas, Okada is seemingly immune to this perfidious technique.

This leaves Malek no choice but to go to Plan B; mystifying brain transplant surgery! Actually, Malek seems pretty happy to go to Plan B. In fact, he seems like the kind of guy who’s always looking for an excuse to perform mystifying brain transplant surgery. This isn’t meant as a slur on his character though. It’s just an observation.

WARNING: The following section of this review contains graphic images that may disturb some readers. Discretion is advised.

Making good on his intention to “retire” Kroiga, Malek cruelly imprisons her, than has her wheeled into an operating room along with a stuffed plush toy lion and a marionette condor. As the captive Okada and his daughter look on in horror, Malek then begins his fiendish experiment.

As the horror of the operating room proceeds, we cut away to see the Alpha breach surface just off shore of Blood Rock. As the (all male) rescue party prepares to go ashore we witness a tender scene when Dr. Barton bids farewell to Jules Masson, whom she apparently fell in love with when he was unconscious from a head wound…Paging the A.MA. Paging the A.M.A.!

Meanwhile, fifteen minutes after the operation has begun Malek’s mysterious purpose, and his insane genius, become apparent when we see the amazing beast he has created.

Gleefully triumphant, and under the interesting assumption that the powerful creature he has just created with Kroiga’s brain will obey his every whim, Malek sends the griffin off to kill McKenzie and his crew. That done, he shifts his malevolent attention to Okada, who is next for the operating table!

Will McKenzie and company be able to overcome Blood Rock’s many terrible and astonishing obstacles in time to save Okada? Will the brand new, and untested, modifications McKenzie has made to the Alpha save her from destruction by the Black Shark? Only by journeying to the incredible World Of Tomorrow can you fine out!

Oh, OK, here’s a hint:

But I’m not even mentioning the mind-exploding postscript!

Sean Ledden (Oct 2009)

Special Monster Shack Image Update: A close up of the “Black Shark”…we always aim to keep our visitors happy…

Read more about Latitude Zero at

Directed by Noriaki Yuasa

Run Time: 82 minutes

Other Titles: "Gamera vs. Guiron", "Gamera vs. the Devil-Beast Guiron"

Yes, he’s back.

Everybody’s favorite giant, flying, fire-breathing, child protecting, space turtle: Gamera. Created by the wild minds at Daiei Studios in an effort to cash in on Toho’s successful Godzilla series, Gamera has graced the silver screen since 1965 and provided countless hours of laughter and great kick-ass fights with a host of villainous beasts such as Zigra, Vira, Gyaos, Barugon, and, in this film, the giant Ginsu-knife beast, Guiron.

Our current feature is fairly typical of Gamera’s other early films: Capricious kids get into trouble, are kidnapped and taken into outer space by malevolent aliens, Gamera comes to the rescue, Gamera whoops some monster-ass, Gamera returns kids back home along with A Moral Message. (See Destroy All Planets…the plot is exactly the same.) It’s child-friendly, predictable, and above all, patently ridiculous. So let’s get started.

The adventure begins with pseudo-scientific blabber about space, galaxies, and all that "scientific" stuff that is suppose to lend some sort of credence to soon-to-come silliness. But hey, the stills of distance galaxies are pretty cool. The narrator ends his short opening by noting that a star is "in trouble!" Cut to opening credits overlayed with shots of molten lava. (Feel free to scratch your head while trying to figure out what the hell lava has to do with stellar explosions. Oh yeah. They’re both ‘hot’.)

As the credits sputter to a close, we are blessed with more strange narration combined with stock-footage stills of various deep-space radar dishes:

"All astronomical observatories catch waves…irregular waves that might have been sent from…outer space!" (Well, duh! Where else could they have come from?)

Anyway, inside an official looking building, Dr. Shiga (played by Eiji Funakoshi, a very scientific fellow who also played Dr. Hidaka in the original Gamera movie 4 years before this film) informs a gaggle of eager news hounds that some sort of "electric waves" have been detected. Alas, as we are told, the stars are so far away that it would take millions of years to reach even our closest neighbor, so we’ll just have to wait for them to come to us. Damn.

Cut to cute little Tom’s bedroom, the capricious American kid happily expositing about the latest space news to his pal, Akio, and his little sister, Tomoko. As luck would have it, Akio spots a flying saucer landing "in the woods across the river." The next morning, the curious youths discover the space ship sitting on the ground and, after some unconvincing special effects, clamber aboard (Tomoko wisely stays behind…smart!) and launch the ship into outer space. (Hoo hoo hoo…those wacky kids. I tell ya…)

Once in space the kids fly into a meteor storm ("This is terrible!" Tom trenchantly observes). But no need to worry, here comes Gamera right on cue. (I guess he just happened to be lounging around in outer space doing nothing). With a mighty head butt (ouch!), Gamera knocks the meteor out of the way and the boys are saved.

"Thanks a heap!" shouts Tom to the heroic giant space turtle who roars what I assume to be the space-turtle equivalent of "your welcome". (Wait a minute…he roars…in space? Oh, never mind.)

So, if I’m following this, and I’m not sure I can, the ship is on auto-pilot back to wherever the hell it came from, so obviously, Tom and Akio might be in deep shit. Luckily, Gamera, being "The Protector of All Children" flies along side the ship and escorts it back to the ship’s origins, just to make sure things are ok. Not like he could do a hell of a lot if things went sour, but whatever, Gamera, it’s your world. But no, somehow the ship automatically accelerates and not even the mighty Gamera can keep up, even with his "jet propulsion" of igniting all of his leg-holes and pin-wheeling in circles. Now at full thrust, the boys pull away while Gamera helplessly watches them fade into the distance as he pin-wheels like an idiot.

After a crash landing (which the movie makers apparently didn’t have money to actually show), Akio and Tom dust themselves off and peer out of the open hatchway onto a wind-blow, desolate landscape dotted with domed buildings and other "alien" signs of civilization.

"The air here is like ours…so we don’t need any space suits!" (Gawd…if I had a dime for every freakin’ time I heard that line…)

"Thank goodness!" Tom exclaims. (Yeah. No shit.)

The seeming sense of security is rudely interrupted when Gaos, a gigantic, silver pterodactyl monster flies in and starts shooting laser beams all over the place for no apparent reason. Maybe he’s just feeling his oats. After blasting a few more buildings with his laser-beam breath (!), out of the ground clambers Guiron, a gigantic knife-headed bad-ass who quickly lops off one of Gaos’ legs. With his pride stung by this early defeat (not to mention is leg…ouch!), Gaos flies off in shame to lick his wounds and prepare for a future counter-attack. (You really can’t appreciate the true meaning of "men in rubber monster suits until you’ve seen movies like these. It’s awesome.)

Now:

Why is Guiron here?

Why is Gaos here?

Where is here?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

"From what I’ve seen," Akio says, " we’re on a highly civilized star."

Well, from what I’ve seen, we’re in a really goofy Japanese movie. Oh, and you’re on a planet. Not a star.

Ok, where was I…with Gaos massacred, Guiron crawls back into the ground and is covered by a gigantic sliding-door system (which must have cost the aliens a bundle to build and install). The boys decide to make the best of things and run into the first doorway they find in order to investigate this strange new world. Once inside however, the boys are quickly spotted by a pair of alien women, Floban and Barbella, who look very similar to humans wearing green tights, capes, golden boots, and yes, helmets with a pair of antennas protruding from the top.

With the help of the "Ultra Translating Machine", the aliens explain that the boys have been transported to a planet called "Terra" which is situated on the exact opposite side of the Sun from the Earth. "We control the Laws of Nature here through our science."

Anyhoo, as everybody is so happily chatting away, Gaos returns with a shriek, sans right leg, ready to try his luck again. Barbella again releases Guiron, their "guard dog" as they oddly refer to it, in order to be rid of this flying pest once and for all. While Guiron lethargically crawls up from his hole again, Akio finally asks the question we’ve all been waiting for: If they are so advanced…why all the freakin’ monsters? (I’m paraphrasing, naturally.)

It turns out that despite controlling the Laws of Nature, long ago a misbehaving computer went amok and created a bunch of monsters, which, I guess, have sort of taken over the planet. I think that’s what’s going on. Soooo…the 2 surviving aliens (the rest of the population died in a space ship explosion) have sent out probe ships to find a new home…One of the probes was sent to Earth; the boys climbed in and were carted back to Terra and…voila! We have a monster movie.

Watching on a big-screen TV, the boys watch in mute fascination as the planet ices over (huh?!!!) and Guiron stomps around unchecked. (What the hell happened to Gaos? ARGH!). [NOTE: Sean, the ever diligent proof-reader and contributer pointed out that I was watching an edited version. In the unedited version Guiron proceeds to "de-wing" poor Gaos before slicing off his head!]

"If only Gamera were here," Akio wistfully murmurs.

"Gamera?" Barbella says.

Taaaa—Daaaa! Cue Gamera Theme Music and cut to see everybody’s favorite space turtle hurtling through space without any apparent destination. But then again, I guess it’s like that 800-pound gorilla joke:

Where does a 500-foot turtle fly to?

Wherever the hell it wants!

(rimshot)

Meanwhile, back in the control room, the Floban and Barbella promise to repair the space ship and return the boys to Earth (wink wink nudge nudge), but sly looks and stealthy nods indicate that Something Is Amiss! And indeed they are! The Aliens are actually planning to eat the boys for food while they travel to Earth. I must admit that this plot point was mildly surprising given the overall ‘childishness’ of the picture.

Soooo, the aliens lead Tom and Akio to a lounge where they can ‘rest’, but instead they quickly hypnotize the boys in order to ask them about the existence of monsters on Earth. (!) I don’t know why they couldn’t just ask the kids without hypnotizing them, but whatever.

"Gamera got them all," Akio informs his captors.

"Gamera?" Floban confusedly replies.

So, with a large-screen monitor displaying all of Akio’s thoughts, we are treated to tons of footage from old Gamera films, which is supposed to be Akio’s memories, but then, there’s no way in hell he could have seen this, so how can he recall it? Whatever. So here we go again, watching scenes from other Gamera movies while watching a Gamera movie. Hell, it worked in Destroy All Planets, so why not do it again? But folks, really, reusing rubber suits and monsters is one thing (hell, it worked for Roger Corman), but unabashedly splicing in entire scenes from other movies, well, it’s just wrong.

Anyway, the alien women are planning their next meal, "When the boys are under the effects of our [sleeping] powder, we’ll gobble their brains raw." ( I thought this was rather gruesome for what is essentially a rubber-monster movie for little kids.) One of the aliens explains that they will gain the boys’ knowledge by consuming their brain matter. But really, look at those 2 kids: how much knowledge could you gain?

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Akio’s little sister Tomoko is desperately trying to convince everybody that the missing boys have in fact been whisked up into space. Despite an understandable attitude of disbelief, she finally convinces the local cop, Officer Kondo, to accompany her to the UFO’s landing site. Unfortunately, since the ship isn’t there anymore, nobody believes her…and…and…another scene peters off without really adding anything to the story. Sigh.

Back on Terra, Barbella and Floban have successfully drugged Tom and Akio by feeding them powdered donuts, covered with "Sleep Powder" naturally. In yet another creepy scene, Floban immobilizes the unconscious Akio in some sort of contraption with just the top of his head protruding, which she immediately shaves in preparation of eating his brain. (A scene which greatly reminds me of the classic "monkey brain" scene from Faces of Death.)

Just as Floban begins to cut open Akio’s skull, (Good grief! This probably freaked the hell out of a lot of kids), an alarm begins blaring…that was…TOO CLOSE. Floban tosses the bone cutter aside and rushes up to the view screen just in time to see Gamera arriving to save the kids. (Please insert your "How in the hell did Gamera know where they were?" questions here.) Unimpressed, Floban smirks and releases Guiron to finish off this unwelcome visitor. (Floban first fires a rocket at Gamera to see if that would suffice; the rocket misses and hits the side of a mountain about 5 miles to the left of the target. Nice shot, Floban.)

Anyhoo, here comes the scene we’ve all been waiting for: Gamera vs Guiron. Am I right, or am I right?

Guiron opens with a serious of viscous cutting head-butts to Gamera’s back which opens a deep cut (complete with squirting, blue blood). Gamera, desperately clenches Guiron’s hand, or claw, or whatever, in his mouth and, with Guiron swinging him around in circles, manages to turn the tables on our knife-noggin friend, and launches him into a mountain where he gets his head stuck in a boulder. (Could I ever make anything like this up?)

Gamera takes advantage of his opponent’s temporary immobilization, and rather condescendingly begins roasting Guiron’s ass with his fiery breath. If all this wasn’t already weird enough, a hole opens on the side of Guiron’s head revealing a ninja throwing-star!

Before you can say "WTF?", a pair of ninja stars fly out of Guiron’s head and strike Gamera below the eyes. Amazingly, the ninja stars then disengage from Gamera’s flesh return back into Guiron’s head. Holy crap…that’s cool. Anyway, Gamera, partially blinded, stops the bleeding by pressing a couple of ice bergs against the wounds, but the blood loss proves to be too much as he loses consciousness and toppling backwards into a lake.

"He’s dead," Floban sneers

"Servers him right," Barbella adds with an evil chuckle.

Meanwhile, back inside, Tom awakens from his stupor just in time to overhear the dinner plans…with his brain as the main course. Rushing back to the lounge, Tom awakens Akio by punching him in the head (!) as he exclaims, "They’re cannibals!" (Which, actually, they aren’t since they’re not human, but let’s cut this movie a little slack, shall we?) After nearly escaping (read: eating up runtime), Floban and Barbella manage to recapture the boys and toss them into a cage until dinner time. Secure in the belief that the boys could never, ever, get out of the cage, the aliens return to repair their spaceship for the flight to Earth.

As soon as the aliens leave the control room, Tom pulls out his rubber-dart gun (where was he keeping that?!) and fires a couple of darts at a nearby control panel. As luck would have it, he Just Happens to hit the correct button to release Guiron from his lair. Oh goody. Sooooooo, feeling a little frisky, Guiron rumbles over to the UFO and catches Barbella and Floban completely by surprise. Realizing that they’d better skidaddle, the aliens attempt a quick lift off, but Guiron leaps into the air and slices the spaceship in half with his head. Amazingly, the aliens survive the fall back to the ground, but Floban is gravely wounded. Staying true to the Alien Code of Laws, Barbella coldly notes that "those that are useless have to go" before zapping Floban into smithereens.

Meanwhile, Guiron has turned his attentions to the control room and starts hacking away at it with his head. The boys, realizing that releasing Guiron wasn’t such a hot idea after all, start shouting for Gamera to save them. (You have to wonder if Gamera ever gets sick of whiny kids always yapping for help. I know I am.) Gamera, still semiconscious at the bottom of the lake, tries to pull himself together but can only flop around on his back. Fortunately, a boulder topples off of an underwater mountain and smashes him in the head, providing the much needed proverbial ‘kick in the ass’. With a renewed glimmer in his eye, Gamera ignites his rear leg holes and flies from the water and into the air where he cruises around in circles before deftly dropping himself directly on Guiron’s back.

As Tom and Akio watch from the safety of the ruins of the control room (the control building was toppled, the cage smashed to pieces, but the boys emerged unscathed. Go figure.), Guiron strikes a mighty counter-blow with his tail and flings Gamera through the air. Not to be outdone, Gamera manages to grab ahold of a gigantic rod between 2 buildings (why is that there?) and starts spinning around like an Olympic athlete on a high bar!

I can honestly say that this is a totally weird movie.

After showing off and performing a few spins, Gamera dismounts and executes a perfect landing. Realizing that he’s being completely outclassed, Guiron tries ups the ante by launching a pair of ninja stars into Gamera’s arms and legs. Bellowing with agony, the Friend of All Children stomps up and down in vain trying to pull the cruel devices from his flesh.

"A go-go dancer!" Tom says with a smile, "Gamera’s doing a dance!" (!!!)

"No he’s not!" Akio quickly corrects him, as he points out that as long as the ninja stars are protruding from his appendages, Gamera can’t retract into his shell and ignite his jets. (Did I just write that?) To buy some time, Gamera dives back into the lake to try and figure out what to do, but Guiron is close behind. Gamera quickly manages to yank out a couple of ninja stars so he’s now at half-strength, leg-hole jet wise. Guiron, not paying attention (again!), is rendered helpless when Gamera grabs his rear legs and pushes him up, up, from the watery depths and high into the sky with the help of his rear jets.

If you just HAVE to see the final battle…here you go:

After pushing Guiron up into the stratosphere, Gamera executes a textbook vertical U-turn and plunges back towards the planet’s surface. Unable to do much of anything except roll his eyes and growl, Guiron is slammed into the ground with his head deeply embedded in the side of a mountain. Wisely taking advantage of the situation, Tom punches a button on a control panel and launches a missile at the hapless monster in an effort to soften him up for Gamera’s eventual coup de grace. In an amazing twist of fate, even for this movie, the missile ricochets off of Guiron’s knife-head and flies directly into the building where Barbella was watching, thus killing the last remaining alien chick. Wow. What are the odds, eh?

Actually, I’d believe almost anything after watching this movie.

OK, if I’m seeing this correctly and somebody didn’t slip a hit of acid when I wasn’t looking, Gamera is now holding a sputtering rocket in his hand (where did that come from?). Taking careful aim, Gamera slings the missile directly into the ninja-star hole in Guiron’s head. With a quick blast of his fiery breath, Gamera detonates the rocket and blows Guiron in half. (Delightfully demonstrated with a quick shot of Guiron’s legs flying through the air.)

"Hip hooray!" the boys shout.

Indeed.

Continuing with the ‘anything goes’ atmosphere of this film, Gamera grabs the 2 halves of the space ship (that Guiron early sliced…remember?), and pushes them back together to reform the ship. (Yeah, that really looks safe for interplanetary travel.)

With the world-famous Gamera theme song playing in the background, (You do know the Gamera theme song, right?), our heroic beast carefully places the boys inside the newly repaired spaceship. For some reason the ship’s engines aren’t functioning, so Gamera gingerly picks up the craft with his mouth, boys and all, and flies them back to Earth where they are greeted with open arms, happy parents, and a sickening message about trust, kindness, and all that other feel-good crap.

Man. I’m outta here.

Dennis Grisbeck (May 2009)

Read more about Attack of the Monsters at

Directed by Ishii, Akira Mitsuwa, Koreyoshi Akasakai

Written by Ichiro Miyagawa

Tagline: “When evil Space Nazis from the Sapphire Galaxy seek to destroy the earth, only a Japanese man of steel in white tights can save us!” (OK, I made that up. I couldn’t find an official tagline.)

Run Time: 76 minutes

1957 was a seminal year for 3 reasons. It was exactly 25 years after the birth of Superman, it was exactly 9 years before the arrival of Ultraman, and it was exactly the year of Starman; the first Japanese super hero to star on television! Called Super Giants , his series was chalk full of evil aliens, Flash Gordon-esque derring-do, and tight, sequined space-wear. It was also, mysteriously, completely free of giants.

Now setting the knob of our time machine to 1964 we discover intrepid show biz hucksters Walter Manley Enterprises and Medallion Films cobbling together 2 episodes into one movie called Attack From Space . Would America survive this surreal assault from another dimension? Read today’s review and find out!

THE PLOT:

We begin with a loquacious and all-knowing Narrator. He will be our constant companion for the next 76 minutes, often looking into the mind of Starman and telling us his innermost thoughts – at great length. But for now he merely contents himself with setting up the plot, and explaining the universe!

With at least 2 billion stars in our universe, somewhere in deep space there are probably planets with civilizations built by living creatures: some peaceful, some warlike. From the distant Sapphire Galaxy a ferocious race of creatures has set out to conquer our universe, beginning with the planet earth.

Very disturbing, of course. Fortunately there is also the Emerald Planet, whose peaceful beings are led by the irresistibly goofy High Council. Sitting at their High Council table and waving their weird alien arms in weird ritualistic ways, this “great forum of the Emerald hierarchy” decides it must stop the Sapphirian’s war from spreading radioactive poison throughout the universe.

The Great Forum of the Emerald hierarchy.

To do this they bring forth the incredible Globe Meter. It’s a wristwatch with a nifty map of the world embossed on its face, and it enables its wearer to do three amazing things: fly through space, detect radioactivity, and speak every language on earth. Neat! Although judging from all of its complicated knobs I’d probably break it within a week if I had it.

“One of the most ingenious mechanisms the universe has ever seen.”

Fortunately the High Council doesn’t give it to me, but to “the creature known as Starman” instead. Creature? Well, that’s what the narrator calls him, and he’s an authority, so I’ll go along. And before you can say ohayo gozaimasu Starman has launched himself off into space towards the planet earth. Cue the first of many, many flying scenes in which we have plenty of time to notice how the wire rigs bunch the fabric of his bespangled tights.

This looks pretty uncomfortable.

Which is probably one reason why Starman always looks so serious.

Even before he reaches earth, however, Starman comes across a Sapphirian space staion/warship thing loaded with radioactivity, and we get our first action sequence as he bravely attacks it.

Starman bravely attacks the Sapphirean space station/warship thing.

Alas, a shower of fiery meteorites somehow forces Starman to break off his siege, so the warship continues on its sinister mission. For his part Starman decides to land on earth and uncover “who among the billions of earthlings is a traitor to mankind and is working with the Sapphirians.” Piece of cake!

How he pursues the traitors we know not, for now we cut to the Forecap Observatory and a “startling discovery.” The “GP Object lens” has been smashed, leading the chief astronomer to exclaim, “We won’t be able to use it anymore!” More devilry is afoot at a desolate patch of island nowhere in Tokyo Harbor know as the Yamanaka Space Laboratory. As the camera pans across a godforsaken stretch of rock and concrete, the narrator informs us this is where a spaceship to be used for “peaceful purposes” is being built.

The Yamanaka Space Laboratory. It must have taken years and years to build.

It is here that another discovery is made, “What’s that? It blew up again?!”

“What’s that? It blew up again?!”

And so we meet genius scientist Dr. Yamanaka himself, at home with his son Ryuichi (pronounced ryu-ee-chi) and daughter Kaoru (ka-o-ru.) What was it that blew up? – the spaceship? Thank goodness no. It was only a panel. A very explosion prone panel.

“It’s too bad.” frets innocent and possibly gullible Ryuichi, “I wonder why there are so many accidents there.” His sister is more astute, however, and she begins our descent into a swirling but justifiable paranoia by saying, “It’s very suspicious. As father’s ship nears completion there are more and more accidents.” And with this disturbing mystery hanging over their heads Dr. Yamanaka troops over to “the lab” – which looks to my untrained eye like an abandoned lighthouse. Once there he discovers the faulty part that caused the explosion. But when a technician advises he return it to the company that made it, he goes ballistic. There would be publicity and “our enemies mustn’t learn of this.” “Enemies could use the great ship against us!” And so the answer is secrecy! No one is to know anything until the first flight! (Dr. Yamanaka is kind of disturbing.)

And now we finally get to see what all of the fuss is about, kind of. We cut to Kaoru and Ryuichi at “the plant,” where the space ship is being built. As the camera pans along a quite decent set full of bustling technicians it grazes the bottom of a full sized mock up of the ship itself. And you can sort of make out what it might look like between the struts and frets of the building dock. (One of the odd things about this film is the off-hand manner in which it presents new and important elements.)

The Great Ship itself! (It’s that dark patch along the top of the screen.)

Happily, the kids learn that the damage can be repaired quickly – once they get a replacement solenoid. The plant has no replacement solenoid on hand because, as a technician explains, “They are not supposed to melt. So we felt that we wouldn’t be needing any for spares, and therefore didn’t order them.” (!!!) It’s a big problem, until our spunky pair of kids volunteer to buy a new one, and off they go, unescorted, to get a critical part needed to build an interstellar spacecraft which has already been the target of possible sabotage. What could go wrong? Well, to begin with, the local hardware store is all out of solenoids.

The local hardware store is all out of solenoids.

FYI – this is a solenoid, and it’s critical for building interstellar spacecraft.

Mystery compounds on mystery as Kaoru exclaims, “It’s peculiar. That strange man took the whole supply just now. Isn’t that suspicious?” Boy, it sure is! Lucky the kids got there in time to see him. So naturally they decide to follow him, without telling anyone what they’re doing. And off they go in one of the cutest little taxis I’ve ever seen.

Cute little taxi. (Love it!)

Following the suspicious stranger to a cemetery, the kids are amazed to see him disappear down into a secret passage hidden by a gravestone. Gazing at the stone Ryuichi wonders if they should go down as well when Kaoru shocks me by being smart and deciding it’s time to call the police. Yea Kaoru! Only it’s too late, for the bad guys have them surrounded. Capturing our two hapless amateur sleuths they take them down to their bargain basement HQ where we discover that the warlike creatures of the Sapphire Galaxy are in fact evil Space Nazis!

Evil Space Nazis!

That night in the abandoned lighthouse he calls home, a lab-suited Dr. Yamanaka enjoys a cigarette while browsing through a technical manual. His kids haven’t returned with the critical part needed to complete work on the interstellar spacecraft they are building at “the plant,” but he and a fellow scientist wisely assume the kids are “enjoying themselves in the city.” (Laissez-faire parenting at its best!) Unfortunately, Dr. Yamanaka’s peace of mind is shattered when a visitor is announced. You see, no one is supposed to know about his installation – and remember, Dr. Yamanaka has this thing about secrecy. No one must know! No one!

But someone does know. It’s the evil Space Nazi who bought all of the solenoids, and now he’s come to deliver a letter from Kaoru which begs her father to save her and Ryuichi. Treachery is added to villainy as one of Yamanaka’s own staff reveals himself to be an agent of the Sapphirians! Pointing a gun at the good doctor he takes this opportunity to gloatingly explain that they’ve built their own interstellar spacecraft – only they need Yamanaka’s super engine to fly it! (Best not to dwell on this point, lest your mind boggle dangerously.) The agent, knowing the secret location of the engine plans, grabs them before he and his accomplice kidnap the doctor from the apparently unguarded and possibly top-secret facility.

Perhaps you’ve been wondering where Starman has been while all of this is happening? So have I, and I have no idea. Until now that is, when he shows up asking to address a security meeting which is discussing the stolen engine blueprints. Learning of this request one delegate throws caution to the wind and delivers some classic Attack From Space dialogue, “Who is this Starman? Is he someone we can call on to help us? If he is, then I propose that you ask for his assistance immediately.” No government gridlock here!

And in strides Starman himself. Looking sharp in a suit and tie he masterfully recaps everything we’ve just seen, omitting only why he didn’t stop any of it from happening. Usually I’d rag him out for this, but like I said, he looks sharp in a suit and tie.

Starman in mufti. (No doubt a welcome break for actor Ken Utsui.)

But no sooner has he finished his recap before an agog audience then he “hears” the Sapphirians. They are close by! (And by that I mean that they are orbiting the earth up in outer space.) Promising to return the blueprints, and the kidnapped doctor and his family, Starman does a nifty quick change behind a folding screen and catapults out the window. As he soars over the Tokyo cityscape we are treated once more to the sight of his wire-bunched costume. Sigh.

Another actor is martyred in the name of children’s entertainment.

Will Starman be in time to save the doctor and his children from being brain washed by the Sapphirians? Surprisingly, no! For he’s gone after the Sapphirian space station/warship thing, not their underground base. Opening a cargo ship hatch, Starman enters the Space Station/Warship Thing and beats the crap out of the bad guys in what looks like a primitive Cirque du Soleil act.

♪ Quick, send in the clowns.
Don’t bother – they’re here! ♪

He is victorious and the Sapphirian vessel is destroyed – but what of Dr. Yamanaka? We cut to see hordes of Space Nazis in satin jump suits boarding their “Great Ship.” If you pay attention, you’ll notice that the doctor and his family are among the company, so I think they’re brain washed. But rather than look evilly enthusiastic or totally zombified, they seem fretful and anxious. That is, when you can get a good look at them. It’s shot so off-handedly they’re in the background or out of the frame most of the time! Paging the directors, paging the directors: – What the heck’s the matter with you guys? (This shocking incompetence in the respected science of mind-control continues as the ship’s commander is forced to threaten the “brain-washed” doctor to make him do his bidding. I mean, what?)

So now the Great Ship, somehow newly equipped with Dr. Yamanaka’s super engine, hurtles into space towards an even bigger space station/warship thing than Starman just destroyed. Detecting that Starman is following them, they craftily chart an insanely dangerous course right over “the Death Star.” (!) This is a fiery asteroid of doom which seemingly orbits the moon. I guess. Anyways, it’s an ingenious plan because they know that the unwritten code of space flying super heroes demands that they follow the exact flight plan of any enemy craft they are pursuing. And thus Starman will perish in the Death Star’s super-heated atmosphere!

Does he survive? There’s only one way to find out, and that’s by subjecting yourself to the full insanity of Attack From Space !

SEE the evil, satin clad Space Nazis break the laws of Nature herself, and impudently parade about in the vacuum of outer space!

It’s a Triumph of the Will – in Space!

GASP at the havoc wreaked by these evil, sneering, gloating villians on New York , London and Tokyo !

Independence Day , eat your heart out!

DISAPPROVE of how they force the “brain-washed” Dr. Yamanaka to design a whole fleet of interstellar Ships with only a pencil and a ruler. (The fiends!)

What’s a computer?

CHEER when Girl Power surges up in the 2nd half and Kaoru morphs into an action heroine!

Princess Lea’s Japanese sister.

Disclaimer: I am NOT recommending you see this movie. I am merely saying I would not lodge a protest should you decide, on your own, to see it. If you do see it and suffer any emotional or psychological harm, please send your protests to Web Meister Dennis – as I will be on vacation in some remote spot that is beyond the reach of the Internet.

Sean Ledden (May 2009)

Read more about Attack From Space at

Written and Directed by Jerry Warren

Tagline: Her thrills rip forth in wide wild adventure!

Run Time: 102 min

“We’re vampires alright…but only in a synthetic sense.”
- Vampire girl

After the release of The Wild World of Batwoman (WWOBW from now on), director Jerry Warren was promptly sued by the owners of the "Batman" character. After a long and drawn out court battle, Warren won the suit, but added an extra scene to the beginning of the film in order to "distance" the picture from "Batman". The scene involves 3 sorority girls drinking fake blood in order to get into the "Batwomen" cabal, therefore, reasoned Warren, the "Bat" in "Batwoman" is really referring to vampires not "Batman". See? It was all an honest mistake! (He even retitled the film She Was A Hippy Vampire to further tie the film to ‘vampires’.)

It’s hard to figure out what this movie was meant to be. A parody? An action film? Both? Whatever the original intentions may have been, the film fails grandly. In a strange way, it has a Monster A-Go Go feel to it, in that the film is made up of several different films all spliced together in an effort to form a story. Events occur without warning or reason. Scenes are jarringly edited together. Good stuff here.

Well, the sooner we start this, the sooner we can get it over with.

Like I mentioned above, the opening scene reveals 3 young women holding an initiation ceremony into…dum dum dum! The Batwomen!

"Under article 21 paragraph 2…we accept your allegiance as a Batgirl", begins the supposed leader of the trio. "You will obey all rules and all orders handed down through channels", she continues.

They then hand the new initiate a glass of fake blood. She takes a drink, grimaces, and then breaks out in a giggle. The other two girls join her in laughter as the leader remarks "We’re vampires allright…but only in a synthetic sense!" Hmmm.

As mentioned in the introduction, director Jerry Warren added the previous scene to the film after it was already released in response to a lawsuit by the owners of the "Batman" franchise. This lame, pointless scene was bolted onto the beginning in a half-hearted effort to show that the movie is inspired by ‘vampires’ not ‘Batman’.

By the way, don’t worry about those 3 girls. They are never seen nor referred to ever again.

Start credits.

The first scene begins completely out of focus. Thankfully, the cameraman eventually realizes his error and turns the focus ring on the camera, revealing a deserted alley. A lone man makes his way down the shadowy road when suddenly a voice calls out "Hey, gotta light?" As he digs out his lighter, another figure steps out from the shadows. (Strangely the dialog at this point is obviously added in post processing, and it would appear that the same actor is providing the voices for all three characters in this scene.)

OK, no names here, so let’s make some up. We have Lone Guy, Bad Guy 1, and Bad Guy 2. Lone Guy lights BG1′s cigarette, well, that’s not entirely correct. LG holds the lighter up to BG1′s smoke and an off-camera stage hand shines a flash light into the actor’s face in order to simulate the light from the flame. I’m telling the truth. Really.

BG2 comes up from behind LG and sticks a pistol in the small of his back. "OK, you want [my wallet]", LG says as he slowly backs up, "you’ll just have to come and get it." BG2, being a Bad Guy shoots Lonely Guy. We of course don’t actually see the actual shooting. Instead we watch a couple women hiding behind a garbage can who themselves are watching the crime. (You know what I mean.)

After the shooting, BG2 looks at the gun in shock, as if he had expected a flag with the word "BANG!" to have come out of the barrel upon pulling the trigger. Tossing the gun to the ground, BG2 runs off while BG1 searches the dead body for a wallet.

Meanwhile, the Girl To The Left (Thanks again…no names) makes a call on her wrist radio, "Batgirl 14 to Batwoman…Batgirl 14 to Batwoman…" The crime is reported and the two Batgirls await further instructions.

Oh yeah. Don’t worry. You’ll never see or hear anything about this murder ever again.

Next, in what seems to be an entirely different film, we are treated to some great 1960′s butt-wiggling dance scenes. A gaggle of about 7 girls are really shaking everything they got for everything it’s worth (if you get my drift) to the rock-n-roll sounds of a band. In fact, the band is so good that we see only the drummer actually playing while we hear music from guitars and pianos. Man! That drummer is really good!!!

One of the girls goes to the bar and is immediately offered a drink by a sleazy guy we later find out is named Tiger. Tiger goes to the other side of the bar where his fellow nogoodnick, Bruno, slips a drug into the unsuspecting girl’s drink.

Cut to see more booty-shaking.

Cut back to the bar to see that the girl has passed out.

Nice editing.

Bruno and Tiger carry the unconscious girl out to their getaway car as we cut back to one more dancing scene. Can’t get enough dancing. No sirree.

Later the girl regains consciousness to find herself seated between Bruno and Tiger in the front seat of a patently bogus car. (The type of car where the guy "driving" is always jerking the steering wheel back and forth no matter what how straight the road being shown on the back-projection screen behind the car. In this movie, however, there is nothing shown behind the car, just a black screen. I guess it must be nighttime. Or else they’re driving in a cave.)

Tiger explains to the Batgirl that she’ll be going on a boat ride. (How do we know she’s a Batgirl? Tiger addresses her as such. How does Tiger know she’s a Batgirl? I have no idea.)

Anyway, Batgirl turns on her wrist radio and ‘casually’ places her arm on Bruno’s shoulder. When Batgirl asks Bruno where he’s taking her, he doesn’t notice that he’s divulging his evil plans to the Batgirls listening in via the radio. Duh. The Batgirls realize that the other Batgirl has been kidnapped and call Batwoman on the "central line". (This whole escapade is so ham-fisted and contrived it makes my head hurt.)

In what appears to be yet another movie thrown into the mix, we cut and see a masked, caped man stalking outside a house. A phone rings and he jumps back from a window he was attempting to peer through. (What does all this have to do with Batwoman? Who is this masked man? What the hell is going on here?)

Cut to Batwoman’s headquarters. As the camera pans up her long, stockinged legs, we see the leader of the Batgirls herself: Batwoman.

The actress who portrays Batwoman, Kathrine Victor, is rumored to have created her costume herself by going through her closets and putting on whatever odds-and-ends she happened to find. I would tend to think these rumors are true. Kathrine has in fact appeared in several bad-movie ‘classics’ in her career, namely Mesa of Lost Women (1953), Teenage Zombies (1959), and The Cape Canaveral Monsters(1960). Perhaps Kathrine’s crowning jewel was her role as ‘Sheila Frankenstein von Helsing’ in Jerry Warren’s mind-boggingly bad Frankenstein Island (1981).

OK, I guess I will have to get back to this movie at some point. I was trying to delay it for as long as possible.

Yes, Batwoman is wearing a black mask with furry eyebrows, a fur stole of some sort on one arm, what looks like a collection of feathers in her hair, and a bat ‘tattoo’ on her cleavage. Yippee!

Batwoman realizes the danger that the other Batgirl is in, and sends out an all points bulletin over her wrist radio:

"Transmission to all girls, zero zero seven seven. We will hold a special meeting, code three three one according to articles in manual ‘A’."

Ahhh, yes. Manual A. Oh wait. Another shot from Movie #3, showing the stalking masked, caped man.

Now back to Movie #1.

Now, I’m afraid of few things in this world, but there is one thing that strikes fear into my heart without fail: Comedy Relief Scientists.

Oh lord. We next see a "scientist" pouring fluids from beaker to beaker in a "lab". (Did I mention the beakers full of bubbling dry-ice? Well, they’re also present.) Tiger and Bruno escort Batgirl into the lab and promptly lock her up in a cage. Comedy Relief Scientist (CRS) appears to have a mentally deficient side-kick, Heathcliff who hops around and grabs at the imprisoned Batgirl. "We won’t hurt you", CRS reassures Batgirl. (If it makes any difference, we see Masked Caped Guy (MCG) peeking into the lab through an open window. I’ve pretty much given up trying to figure out what role MCG plays in all this.)

The bad guys finally introduce themselves as Bruno, Tiger, and the "Great Scientist" Professor Neon. (Neon is played by George Mitchell, who coincidentally enough worked on the make-up in this movie and another Jerry Warren film from 1964 entitled Attack of the Mayan Mummy.)

A strange ‘beeping’ noise indicates that the boss is on the view screen. Neon and Bruno head over to the screen and…hey! It’s Masked Caped Guy! Professor Neon addresses him as "Rat Fink" (!!) The masked Fink orders Neon to deliver Bat Girl’s wrist radio to his laboratory within the hour. Rat Fink helpfully exposits that he will use the radio to "listen in" on all of Batwoman’s conversations and pay her back for all the times she "foiled my plans in the past!"

Meanwhile, back at Batwoman’s headquarters, we see Batwoman walking around her swimming pool watching approvingly as the bikini-clad Batgirls ‘train’ in hand-to-hand combat and other various ‘exercises’. (One Batgirl jumps rope while another is doing toe-touches on the diving board.) The hand-to-hand combat portion of the training appears to comprise solely of grabbing each others hands and pushing back and forth a bit. "Fitness is concluded", Batwoman says, "The meeting will come to order now." (Unfortunately, this means that we no longer can watch women in bikinis jumping rope, if you get my drift.)

The Batgirls line up in front of Batwoman and then recite the Batgirl pledge:

"We the girls who are dedicated to Batwoman, take our oath with all sincerity.

We the girls who are dedicated to Batwoman, take our pride [??] with all sincerity.

We the girls who are dedicated to Batwoman, fight against evil with all sincerity"

Wow. That was truly moving. Let me wipe the tears from my eyes.

After the pledge, Batwoman leads the bikini horde back inside. "In view of the fact that this is a special meeting, the time element must work in our favor", Batwoman begins with a grammatically confusing, and no doubt incorrect, sentence.

After taking a vote to "dismiss all formalities" (a redundant motion seeing that everybody is wearing bikinis), Batwoman briefs the Batgirls on the rescue mission they are to undertake.

Unfortunately, Rat Fink interrupts the meeting by broadcasting over the wrist radio. To make a long story short (but not short enough, unfortunately), Fink will return the captive Batgirl only if Batwoman helps him "enter a certain building and retrieve a certain item." (Ohh!!! So mysterious! I’m all a-quiver!) Batwoman reluctantly agrees to Rat Fink’s terms, but insists first on seeing the Batgirl to ensure she is being treated well.

Batwoman makes her way to Professor Neon’s lab, where the captive Batgirl is crying and wailing in her cell. (This is a professional spy / crime fighter? And not to pick on her, but she was captured after accepting a drink from a complete stranger in a go-go bar!) "Give her another happy pill!" Bruno commands.

As the drug takes effect, Batgirl stops crying and starts silently dancing in her cell (!). Tiger offers Batwoman a seat along with a snack of chocolate milk and macaroons. (Really?! Chocolate milk and macaroons? Didn’t the film makers realize that comedy relief fails if it’s not, you know, comedic?)

Bruno, Batwoman, Neon, Heathcliff, and Tiger. (Happy Batgirl dancing in background)

As Rat Fink address Batwoman over the view screen, Professor Neon drops a happy pill into her milk. (Gee…who would have seen that coming.) Oh! She’s a pro! She spotted the tampering, and deftly switched the drinks so that now Neon has the drugged beverage. Ha! Wow! What a great movie!

As Rat Fink clarifies his demands, Professor Neon drinks his milk. Neon’s right arm begins to uncontrollably shake and "dance" while he forces it down to his side with his left hand. (Yes, just like the scene in Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove. Only that was funny, this just sucks.)

Rat Fink’s demands? Steal an "atomic hearing aid" from the Ajax corporation. (An atomic what…?)

Oh dear. Professor Neon begins dancing uncontrollably, Batwoman smashes a cup on Heathcliff’s head (oddly, both Heathcliff and Tiger fall unconscious…strange, or maybe Heathcliff is just cowering and it was Tiger that was struck by the mug…am I really writing this?), and then she proceeds to punch Bruno in the chops. (After he very obligingly sat still in his chair until Batwoman could get around to taking him out.) Batwoman opens Batgirl’s cell and makes good their escape.

At the "Ajax" corporation, a couple of executives, J.B. and Flanagan, are going over the financial problems the company is facing. By the way, writer/director Jerry Warren was threatened with a lawsuit by the real "Ajax Corporation" and had to hurriedly add an extra letter in the company’s sign in order to ‘differentiate’ between the two.

Blah, blah, blah. J.B. explains that the "device" (What device? The atomic hearing aid?) has not been destroyed. Look, I don’t know what’s going on here. I admit it. Maybe I was supposed to deduce something from their dialog. Watch the movie and try it yourself if you don’t believe me.

J.B. and Flanagan’s ‘plan’ to do ‘something’ involves tricking Batwoman into also doing ‘something’. Flanagan heads over to Batwoman’s house and lets himself in. In the living room, the Batgirls are assembled on the floor while Batwoman plays an electric organ (!). A Batgirl wearing a leopard-skin halter top and skin-tight pants indicates that Flanagan should take a seat on the floor.

In a hilarious miscue, a Batgirl gives a drink to Batwoman, who offers it to Flanagan. The actor refuses the drink and Batwoman turns to give the glass back to the awaiting Batgirl, but the actress has mistakenly walked away from her mark on the set. Seeing that the actress is gone, Batwoman is left awkwardly holding the drink, and simply drinks it herself! (Man, sometimes I love this job!) You then see a jarring cut where the camera was stopped, the glass taken away, and the scene ‘resumed’.

OK, a long, long, discussion takes place while 2 Batgirls, in the background, play tug-o-war with a horseshoe (!). I’m trying to figure all this out, here we go: It looks like Flanagan wants Batwoman to guard the Atomic Hearing Aid for awhile because Ajax, Ayjax, whatever, is worried that somebody is going to steal it. (Batwoman called the company and warned them herself.) Moving right along, Batwoman agrees to guard the vault at Ayjax Corp. I feel safer already.

If you find my description of this scene excruciatingly boring then I’m doing an accurate job of describing it.

Later that evening, an elderly security guard is making his rounds at the Ayjax building. A phone rings: it’s J.B. wondering if everything is quiet. The guard reassures him that the everything is fine and dandy. At that very moment, Prof. Neon, Tiger, and Bruno (sporting a Hitler moustache as a disguise!), break into the building.

Why…it’s almost as if J.B. and the bad guys are in cahoots…could it be? (Hint: In the IMDB entry for this film, you will see that J.B. and Rat Fink are played by the same actor.)

Meanwhile, or is it the next day, who knows, Batwoman is showing Flanagan the gaggle of Batgirls strategically placed in and around the vault containing the atomic hearing aid. In addition to skin-tight pants, halter-tops, and mini-skirts, the Batgirls are also armed with an array of firearms. Satisfied that the hearing aid is safe, Flanagan and Batwoman head down to the lunch room for a bite to eat.

These daunting defensive measures are quickly penetrated when Prof. Neon, disguised with a fake moustache as some sort of vendor, bursts into the room and offers the girls hot soup. The soup, of course, is laced with Happy Pills, and the girls quickly begin to dance around the room.

There must be something Freudian with a room full of bikini-clad hot-chicks silently dancing with rifles slung over their shoulders..and I like it!

Down in the Ayjax lunch room (complete with a full jazz band!!), Tiger, Neon, and Bruno are in disguise as waiters. Bruno, still in his Hitler moustache, is busy serving Happy Pill laced drinks to all the customers, including Batwoman and Flanagan As the drug takes effect, everybody in the lunch room begins dancing, including Batwoman and Flanagan Seeing that the plan is working as expected, Bruno manages to get the vault key from the gyrating Flanagan and heads upstairs with Tiger right behind him.

Boy, it just hit me. This movie really sucks. Seriously. Sometimes I manage to push the fact that I’m watching a crappy movie into the back of my mind for the duration of the film. I think it’s a defensive measure designed to protect my sanity and allow me to actually describe a bad movie scene by scene. But, boy, I have to tell you, I’m really suffering through this one.

OK, the hearing aid is stolen. Girls dance. Cut to stock footage of a plane landing…somewhere. Disembarking from the plane is none other than Mr. Seltzer (har dee har) from the U.S. Patent Office, and his nameless assistant. Seltzer makes a couple of phone calls and discovers that J.B. is at Batwoman’s house and heads over to said abode.

Upon arrival at Batwoman’s house, the leopard-skin leotard-wearing Batgirl shows Seltzer and Nameless Assistant to a sofa. The patent officers take their seats and watch in mute amazement as Batwoman, J.B. and 2 Batgirls hold a seance (!!).

Try not to notice that Seltzer and Nameless Assistant change positions on the sofa from scene to scene.

Anyway, Batwoman manages to contact a spirit from the "etheric plane".

"It is desired by those at this table", begins Batwoman with a passively constructed sentence, "to locate a missing device…one of an electronic nature."

Unfortunately for Batwoman and the others, a Chinese spirit (!!) breaks into the "channel" and begins blurting out the most shameful portrayal of ‘goofy-Chinese’ that I have ever had the misfortune to hear. ("Ching chong chung chee chee ching chung!!!!" interrupts the Chinese spirit…and so on.)

I think I’m going to bang my head against the wall for a moment or two.

That’s better.

Batwoman finally manages to dismiss the ethereal Chinese intruder, but alas, she also loses contact with the helpful spirit as well.

With the seance at completion, J.B. stands to return to work. Turning to leave, he now sees Seltzer and Brookley (finally heard his name) from the Patent Office. Seltzer happened to overhear during the seance that the hearing aid has been stolen. Before anything can be resolved we cut…

Back to Neon in his laboratory where the idiotic professor is examining the stolen hearing aid while Tiger chats up a captive Batgirl. (It looks like it’s the same Batgirl that was captured in the first part of the film. But didn’t Batwoman rescue her? I give up.)

Over in Batwoman’s headquarters, a drunken Flanagan rings up and says he’s quitting the business because of the whole stolen-atomic-hearing-aid-seance-gone-wrong fiasco. Batwoman reassures him that her Batgirls are doing the best they can to locate the device.

Cut to a beach party. The Batgirls are hard at work dancing to a pop-rock band while a group of guys are happily watching another Batgirl enthusiastically making out with some namely (lucky) beach bum. After a while, nearly a minute in fact, the lead Batgirl stops making out with the guy and orders the others to "stand at attention" because "fun time is over." The Batgirls line up and march off across the beach.

Scenes that make you go "huh?".

Back in Neon’s lab, Rat Fink orders the hearing aid to be taking "down to the cave" for further study due to the gathering Batgirl presence on the beach. "Put into operation Plan Grab X-12", commands Bruno. (Just go with it.)

The Batgirls somehow discover the entrance to Rat Fink’s beach cave. As the find is reported to Batwoman, Rat Fink (wearing a cape and knee-high clam-digger pants!) sneaks behind the Batgirls and begins capturing them one by one.

Meanwhile, deep in the caverns, Tiger is leading Captured Batgirl to the underground lab. Eventually Tiger and Batgirl reach Rat Fink’s underground city. This awesome special effect is realized by actually having them stand in front of a cave outside (in broad daylight), look into the distance, and pretend that they are standing inside a gigantic underground cavern. The film makers then had the gall to insert a brief shot of the underground city from the 1956 sci-fi film The Mole People. Incredible! The nerve! In fact, they even have the audacity to show clips of the Mole People themselves when Tiger warns her of all the "monsters" in the cave. Unbelievable!!!

Back in the lab, Rat Fink has bound the Batgirl’s hands with long lengths of chain reaching to the ceiling. Neon, Bruno, and Heathcliff enter via a hidden door while Rat Fink explains his plan. You see, the Batgirls are to be bred with the Mole People for some reason. (I’m really running on empty now, so I can’t try to piece things together anymore.)

A knock on the secret door, Bruno thinks it’s Tiger and pulls a lever to open the portal. In comes Batwoman. How, oh, how, did she know where the entrance was. How did she get past the monsters. How oh how oh why oh why.

"I’m sure you’re wondering how I got here", says Batwoman, apparently reading the viewer’s mind. "It was all so elementary", she explains, going on about homing devices, trackers and other BS. In fact, the homing devices are also magnetic cutters, so the Batgirls quickly free themselves from the chains. Why didn’t they do cut themselves free earlier? (I’m really starting to feel ill at this point.)

Just as Batwoman is about to tear off Rat Fink’s mask, he pulls out his greatest invention: "the Body Divider." Suddenly there are 5 Rat Fink ‘copies’ in the lab, but which is the real one? Here is my answer: I don’t freakin’ care!!!

Could any sentient being really give a rat’s ass at this point?!

The Batgirls begin chasing the Rat Fink Clones around and around the room while bee-bop beach music begins to play on the sound track. (I think I now know how Alex from A Clockwork Orange felt when he was strapped down and forced to watch films until he puked.) This scene is probably what the Benny Hill Show would be like if it was produced in Hell.

After what literally seems like an eternity, Flanagan asks Batwoman to "do something". Batwoman twists some knobs and manages to destroy the Body Divider machine. Suddenly there is only 1 Rat Fink remaining as the clones disappear or something.

Rat Fink’s mask is finally removed and much to my NON SURPRISE, it’s J.B. from the Ayjax corporation. He exposits his reasons for stealing the hearing aid from his own company, which I tried to explain here in this review but my brain has shut down.

Heathcliff accidentally spills some "cobalt-40" on the hearing aid which is A Bad Thing because it causes "the atoms to begin to divide". So I guess this means the hearing aid will explode and hopefully kill everybody involved with this film. As the hearing aid reaches melt-down temperature, the explosive device is tossed from person to person like a game of ‘hot potato’. Eventually Heathcliff is left standing with the hearing aid as the others flee into the caverns. As Heathcliff licks the device (!) it explodes.

Cut to the beach where Batwoman and the others are laying about recovering from the explosion. Oh gee whiz. Heathcliff can talk again, and suddenly remembers the experiment that originally rendered him the idiot that he was. Blah blah blah. Now Heathcliff is normal again and the professor has to walk crouched over with a bad back, just like Heathcliff once was…oh never mind.

Later at Batwoman’s headquarters, we see the Batgirls repeating their inane pledge. Hey look! In the back row is Tiger who has had a change of heart and is now a Batgirl too! (Dude! Get a life!) Hey! Tiger and the original Captive Batgirl are in love.

Brain shutting down…going into Bullet Mode:

Now the Batgirls are teaching Tiger how to dance!

Heathcliff and the now feeble-minded Neon (oh…bitter irony!) discuss the original experiment with Batwoman. A fly lands on Heathcliff’s head, Neon hits it with a newspaper, and Heathcliff returns to being an idiot.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Tiger fell into the swimming pool!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Dennis Grisbeck (August 2005)

Read more about The Wild World of Batwoman at

Directed by Robert Hutton

Tagline: “Up from the bowels of the Earth!”

Running time: 76 min

Other titles: “Tomorrow You Die”

As the tag line states: “Up from the bowels of the Earth!”…Indeed.

This lovely little slime-ball of a film was directed by actor Robert Hutton (who coincidentally stars in it, who would have thought…). Hutton had a long and successful actor career behind him, so whatever possessed him to try and direct a film (let alone this one!) is beyond me.

With some 40 roles behind him before he began this film, Hutton probably thought he knew enough about acting that he could also successfully direct a movie. He’d also played in a handfull of other horror movies before this one (Colossus of New York (1958) and Invisible Invaders (1959) for example), so maybe he thought that directing a monster movie would be just as easy as acting in one. Well, there is no point in speculating about his motives. The end result is clear: a deliciously awful film.

Take the premise: Nuclear testing drives up a race of underground creatures. Said creatures proceed to take over Los Angeles by defeating the entire US Army (using only their spears!) and chasing out all the civilians. The slimers then erect a dome of “goo” around the whole city and begin lowering the temperature so that they can eventually live above ground in more suitable environs.

Of course, our hero and a tiny Band of Survivors ® manage to do what the entire US Army could not: destroy the slime people. (In retrospect, I don’t really know why they are called ‘Slime People’: They aren’t people and they aren’t slimy either)

I just want to apologize in advance for the quality of the screen shots…I know they suck.

Prepare yourself for a journey into the “bowels of the Earth” with this one…

We open with a picture of some sort of large bronze medal that says “Medallion TV Presents”, which then takes us into the movie itself (I have a bad feeling already). We then see some sort of bunker door opening and a slime person coming out of the fog (there is a LOT of fog in this movie). So, we get to see a slime person after approximately 10 seconds of film…well, I guess I won’t lose any sleep wondering what they look like.

Several scenes of slimers coming out of manholes, walking around the forest, etc, is meant to give us the impression that there must be a large number of them. However, since the most slimers we ever see at one time is 3 (certainly due to budget limitations), it’s difficult to imagine that they are vast hoards of them stalking L.A.

A man’s corpse lying on the beach with a spear stuck in his back implies that these slime people are certainly not nice. Yes, a spear. That is a slimer’s only weapon…and they defeated the entire US Army with them. More on that later.

Anyway, to the blares of horns and “scary” music, the credits are shown over a foggy background. (Strangely, the music plays weird little jazzy riffs every now and then.)

Ah yes, the movie is beginning…only 74 minutes to go.

We see our hero, Tom Gregory (Robert Hutton), piloting a single-engine plane through what appears to be some pretty rough weather. We know it’s rough because stage hands are rocking the ‘plane’ back and forth while he sits in the cockpit. Gregory radios the control tower requesting “LA visibility readings…”, while we see stock footage of a plane flying over the sea and towards LA (in quite clear skies I might add).

LA does not respond. Fortunately Santa Barbara airport comes in over the radio and warns Tom not to attempt a landing at L.A. Airport. Furthermore, the tower tells him to get out of L.A. “immediately” and head North (although they don’t tell him why).

Despite these warnings, Gregory lands at LA Airport (pretty funny to see how small LAX was back then…compare the shots of the airport to LAX today…) and taxis off the runway to the fuel pump. Getting out of the plane, our puzzled hero notices that the entire airport is deserted, which he thinks is rather odd (even for 1963…). He accidentally puts his hand in some “goo” on the airplanes wing and hastily wipes it off on a handkerchief. I assume the “goo” is supposed to remind us how “slimy” the slime people are, or, well, I don’t know. Of course we find out later that he has flown through a “slime dome” that covers the entire city, but this isn’t mentioned until about 10 minutes later.

Boredom ensues as he walks from building to building at the airport, occasionally calling out the standard “Hello…” and “Anybody there?” Sometimes something exciting happens like him trying to open a locked door. Yep, this is an exciting sequence of scenes…Oh wait! He’s calling somebody from a phone booth…and…and…no answer!!! Wow! The horror!

Having established the fact that, well, that the airport is empty, he walks back to the plane. I don’t mean we cut to a scene with him back at the plane, oh no…we see him walk all the way back to it…every exciting step.

Tom tries to radio the tower from his plane…without success. The, er, excitement, is broken when a car drives up and starts honking the horn. Inside the car are Professor Galbraith Galvin and his two (cute) daughters, Lisa and Bonnie. Gee, I wonder if the Professor’s character is going to be used in the film to explain away plot holes with scientific gobbledy-goop…Oh yeah, who wants to bet on whether or not Tom hooks up with one of the daughters…

The Professor tells Tom to get in the car, to which he understandably balks, saying he has to “…check my plane in…” Well, they’ll be no checking in of planes today! Tom eventually decides to go with them back to the laboratory and use a phone there.

On the way to the lab, he finally gets to the bottom of things. Bonnie quickly fills him in (and us) by dumping a slimy-wad of exposition into our laps: “First the slime people came…then the whole army came to fight them…and they lost.” Well, isn’t that sweet.

Wait a minute. Something is bothering me here:

In the opening shots we see that the only weapon slimers use is a spear…So they beat the entire United States Army using spears? Oh brother! I can see why they chose to have Bonnie just tell us everything instead of daring to show scenes from that battle.

Another thing, we find out later that Tom is a reporter for a L.A. newspaper, yet he’s unaware of the fact that:

1) Subterranean monsters have come up and overrun Los Angeles (his home town!)

2) The monsters defeated the entire US Army

3) They have entombed the entire city of Los Angeles in a slime dome!

What the hell kind of a reporter is this guy? Even if he wasn’t a news hound, you would think that even the most illiterate savage in the deepest regions of the rain forest would have heard about all this!

As Bonnie continues, Tom shakes his head in disbelief (probably because he can’t believe he actually chose to star in this movie). She tells him that she, Lisa, and the Professor were up in the cabin when it all happened and they didn’t get out of L.A. “…before the wall hardened.” Hmmm, you would think that would have been a priority, you know, joining the evacuation of 5 million people from an invasion of slime creatures, but oh well… Bonnie is confident they well get out because, well, her father is a “…science professor.” (Note the maniacal look on her face when she says it…)

“He’s a science professor!”

Professor Galbraith mysterious adds, “…well…that’s about the way it happened.” Hmmm, what else happened then? Never mind, he drops the whole subject and begins questioning Tom on how he got through the slime wall (just typing that makes me a little nauseous). Tom still refuses to believe that any of this is true. (by the way, wouldn’t they have seen any sort of signs of the massive war that lead to the defeat of the US Army? Wouldn’t that give some weight to his argument?)

Galbraith continues with his attempts to convince Tom of the reality of what’s happened by saying, “Now, we all know there are fish in the sea…” (?). This air-tight argument is interrupted when he points out some (stock-footage) destroyed houses to Tom. We see some stock-footage of some bombed out houses, ummm, wouldn’t they have seen all this before now? I mean, the devastation looks pretty extensive in the shot.

Tom admits that, yes, something has happened (gee, you think so?). Our gang of heroes comes upon a car which has crashed into the ditch on the side of the road. A dead body is hanging out of the door impaled by a spear in its back. (This is one of the very few scenes where they actually show a dead body. What happened to all the rest? Shouldn’t there be thousands and thousands of dead slime people and soldiers lying around?) Tom and the Professor walk over and examine the wreckage for about 5 seconds and return to their car, but not before the Professor pulls the spear out of the body and takes it with him. (Yuch!)

Back in the car Tom says, “Seeing those dead men back there, I’m ready to believe…” Wow! Seeing a dead body in L.A.! I bet that never happens! Ok, so now we are done with that part of the plot (convincing Tom about the slime people. I wonder if it was as easy to convince the producers of this movie…)

Tom suggests that they all head down to the TV station where he works and see if there’s any “film” about this. When he says this Lisa blurts out “Oh! You’re THAT Tom Gregory!” Bingo! Now we know which daughter he will hook up with before the film is over. Never mind that she is half his age. (Yes…they do end up kissing and yes…it’s revolting.)

I just have to say this: throughout this whole film, these two girls sure seem to take things lightly. They are trapped in a slime dome that covers the entire L.A. metropolis area, overrun by slime monsters, and have no way out. Yet they don’t seem to be in the slightest bit concerned. It really takes away from any sense of urgency and concern the viewer may have (and I don’t think there are very many viewers that would have it in the first place).

Trudging onward…

They finally arrive at the TV station where Tom escorts them to a studio. Professor Galbraith and his daughters take a seat in some sort of mini-movie theater while Tom looks through a set of news reels. Yup! He found it, and it’s even titled “The Slime People”. (Give me a break!)

On the film (which conveniently exposits more information to fill in the gaping plot holes) we see a news caster sitting at a desk reading news flashes and bulletins into the camera. He reports that 12 “persons” have been found murdered “on and near” the beaches. We are treated to an on-the-spot interview with a hysterical witness (note: The actress who plays the witness, Mrs. Steel, is actually one of the co-writers of the film, Blair Roberts. Did you know that? Did you care? By the way, she really, really hams it up in this scene. Probably best she stuck with writing.)

The news footage cuts back to the newsroom where we are informed that the armed forces are engaged in “hand-to-hand combat” with the monsters. What? Why the hell would they fight them hand-to-hand? Didn’t they have, um, rockets, tanks, rifles, hell, we had the atom bomb for God’s sake!

I guess because we would have kicked their slimy butts and we wouldn’t have to watch this movie.

Speaking of movies, let’s get this one over with. The newscaster is now interviewing Dr. Bro (!). He describes the creatures as, well, completely opposite to how they look in the film (see Classic Lines). Cutting back to the “on the spot reporter” (who we can barely discern through all the fog!), he tells us that the fighting has been heavy for the last two days. He tells us that the army is trying to clear away the fog because then the “battle would be over.” Ok, if you say so. With a sudden blast of ‘scary’ music, the reporter shouts “It’s hardened! The fog has hardened!” We see (sort of) somebody “frozen” in the now hardened fog (even though you can see that the person is just trying to stand still in the smoke, which he can’t do very well because you can see his hands moving). Ok, so this must be how the wall came into being. Scary. No, the movie is not scary. It’s scary that I’m actually watching this.

A colonel comes into view (sort of) and tells everybody that there are “holes in the fog wall” to the South and East, so everybody should evacuate the city as soon as possible. Wow. Two days to defeat the US Army. Pretty impressive for a bunch of prehistoric slime people!

We shift scenes back to the little theater at the TV station where Tom and the others have been watching this. It’s kind of funny when you realize that they have been watching a film about all this, which means that somebody had to gather the reportage, develop the film, splice the segments together, and then deliver it to the newsroom. Not too bad considering the battle for survival that was taking place. Talk about devotion to one’s work!

The peaceful moment is shattered as some sort of drunk jumps up in front of the screen and throws something at Tom (accompanied by the mandatory “Scream-o-Fear” from one of the girls). Turns out there are two “looters” in the theater. How the hell they got there without being seen, ahhh…let’s just keep going.

The professor points out that it will soon be the “dew point” (?) and the slime people will be coming out. How does he know that? Is he some sort of human humidity gauge? Tom suggests that they go to studio 1 because it has “double doors”. Good idea, Tom. This of course requires them to leave the building and run outside. They are stopped short by some sort of doors in the ground opening up (the exact same scene as in the beginning of the movie, mind you). Fog spews out (of course), along with a spear-wielding slime person.

Playing it safe, they run the extra 10 feet to the studio doors and go inside where a figure steps out of the shadows. It’s a slime person who quickly stabs them to death and the movie ends. I wish. It’s none other than US Marine Calvin Johnson (this guy must be Conan O’Brien’s long lost twin brother!) This marine, with a pretty un-military looking hair cut, has been cut off from his unit and has been hiding from the slime people for the last couple of days.

Here comes a scary scene. Well, relatively speaking of course. Tom and Calvin try to close the door to the studio when suddenly a slime person pushes his way into the opening. For some reason, the scene immediately fills with smoke and fog, when just a second ago it was perfectly clear, so it’s hard to see what’s happening. Professor Galbraith picks up a fire extinguisher and begins squirting wimpy little puffs of extinguisher powder in the slime person’s face. This of course is intolerable and the slimer backs out of the door again. (Hey! Maybe the Army should try using fire-extinguishers next time!)

You better cut that hair, marine!

Tom and the others manage to close the door (but they don’t lock it!) at which time all the fog in the scene immediately clears. Hmmmm. It turns out that studio 1 is a broadcast studio complete with a television camera, and a sound stage filled with comfortable sofas and chairs. The professor and his daughters retire to the chairs while Tom turns on the intercom and tries to warn the looters in the theater that the slime people are out and about.

The drunks refuse to heed his warnings and continue to drink. How they managed to stay alive this long is anybody’s guess. Fog fills the room, so we can assume that the slime people will be appearing,…ah yes, there is one, I can barely make him out through the smoke, but I’m pretty sure it’s a slime person. Not surprisingly, the drunks are dispatched by the slimer’s spear while Tom and the others listen to his screams over the intercom speakers. Hilariously, in the background you can see Lisa doing her nails on the sofa while the drunk is screaming! That’s one cold-hearted lady!

Tom gets the great idea to turn on the television camera and try to broadcast a plea for help. Ever helpful, the professor says that he doubts the signal can “…get through that dome. But there’s no harm trying.” Gee! Why don’t you come up with a useful idea then, Professor!

To nobody’s great surprise, no signal appears to be getting through the dome. Tom suggests that there is a slight chance the “audio” could still get through (whatever). Calvin, eager to emphasize that this is no joke (ummm, a slime dome over the city of L.A. should convince most everybody that this is for real, you would think…), grabs the microphone from Tom and makes an emotional appeal for help.

This tear-jerking plea is interrupted when the lights begin to flicker and dim, complete with a Scream-o-Fear from Bonnie (sigh). Tom runs off scene in order to ‘Fix The Problem’, as all heroes do. Yes! The lights have stopped flickering and Tom confidently states that the power should now last them through the night. Wow! He’s a pretty good electrician for a sports reporter!

The professor thinks that Calvin might have some useful information and asks him if he’s ever seen the wall (see Classic Dialog…I couldn’t resist). Calvin supplies little useful information, but then again, a slime wall, what more can a person say about that? Professor Galbraith suggests that they get some sleep because the next day they are going to gather “every chemical they possibly can,” go out to the wall, and try to penetrate it with the pilfered chemicals.

Calvin bravely volunteers to take the first guard shift. Well, what do you know…Here comes Bonnie to join him because she can’t sleep. Bonnie, after knowing Calvin for about 20 minutes says that she wants to stay with him. Well, to make a long story short, and to spare you some excruciatingly clumsy dialog, they end up kissing (see Classic Lines for a good sample of what I had to put up with in this scene).

Gee, I wonder if that means her sister Lisa is going to end up with Tom. Oops! I hope I didn’t give anything away.

The mandatory kissing scene out of the way, Calvin wisely realizes that he has a job to do, i.e., protecting the rest of the survivors from slime people, not kissing on Bonnie. Talk about military discipline! He tells Bonnie to go back to the others while he finishes his guard shift.

Fade to black.

We see now that its daylight and Tom is returning back to the studio after looking around a little bit. He wakes up the Professor and the others so they can start, well, gathering as many chemicals as possible I guess.

The professor asks if it’s any cooler today. Tom replies that it is, and then they both realize that the slime people are trying to bring the temperature down to “…a constant dew point…”, so the slime people can then “…circulate on the surface both day and night.” Oh no! Not that! Furthermore, the Professor tells them they have to break through the wall and get out within a couple of hours. Why the sudden time crunch? Eh, who knows…

Professor Galbraith suggests that they drive up to his cabin laboratory and get some chemicals from there. Pulling out a list of items they need to take with them, Lisa wonders how they are going to get it all into their car. Never fear! Tom says that he has his car in the garage there at the studio (how convenient), so they can take both cars in order to haul all the chemicals and supplies to the slime wall when they try and break through.

Calvin is told to drive to the nearest “surplus” store and get a bunch of supplies. Bonnie asks permission to accompany him and Galbraith complies. I don’t know why he would let his daughter go on such a dangerous errand when her presence serves absolutely no purpose what so ever…

Tom, Professor Galbraith, and Lisa all head out to Tom’s car (with Tom saying a condescending “C’mon Honey!” to Lisa on the way out). With some typical driving-up-to-the-cabin-on-dirt-roads scenes, the brave trio finally reach the Galbraith’s mountain cabin.

At the cabin, the Professor exposits some scientific goobledy-goop in an effort to explain how the slime dome was made (see Classic Lines if you dare). Meanwhile, Lisa is busying herself, as every good 1960’s woman should, by putting away the dishes, packing food, and making coffee while the men talk.

Galbraith heads off to the lab and, incredibly, Tom goes over to Lisa, lifts her down off a stool she was standing on and kisses her (Yech!). Boy! Those 1960’s guys sure move quick! This nauseating, excuse me, romantic scene is interrupted when the professor walks back into the kitchen. He comments how important it is to find a way to penetrate the slime wall, because “…if this ever happens again…the world will have a solution right at its fingertips.” Umm, if what happens again? Subterranean slime people come up, defeat the US Army, and enshroud L.A. in a slime dome? Yeah, ok, I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen again…

We cut to the next scene where Calvin and Bonnie have met up with Tom and the others on a dirt road somewhere. How the hell they did that, who knows. Amazingly enough, they just happen to meet right outside the house of an eccentric writer, Norman Tolliver (played by Les Tremayne!), who rushes out to greet them, while carrying a goat (!!). Yes. I said a goat.

You see, Tolliver’s character provides what is supposed to be some funny moments. Don’t worry. It’s not funny, so you didn’t miss anything.

Tolliver refuses to believe in the slime people, he insists it’s just mass hysteria and a bunch of nonsense. Once again, I have to wonder how the mother-of-all-battles between the Army and the slime people could have gone unnoticed by anybody. Tolliver decides to go with them to “gather some material” for his new book about the insanity of the people who evacuated the city. So he clambers into the car, without the goat, and they drive off.

Scary music plays while the cars pull up to a ‘fog bank’ in some wooded area. Galbraith points out that “…somewhere in there…is the wall”. If he means that there is a wall that surrounds L.A. in the pathetic wisps of smoke from the smoke machines, then I’m not terribly convinced. Calvin stays behind with the girls while Professor Galbraith and Tom head off into the fog with their “chemicals”. In order not to get lost in this oh-so-thick-fog, they drag along a rope that they can follow back to the cars.

The plan is for Calvin to fire a shot into the air when Bonnie’s thermometer reaches the “dew point”, that way the professor and Tom can get back to the car before the slime people come out (maybe she could warn them before the dew point?). With the rope tied around his waist, the professor and Tom head off into the fog bank to find the wall.

After walking a way, Tom thinks he sees something moving in the trees. Galbraith doesn’t see anything so they move on. Bad idea. Up pops a slime person and which starts to follow them.

The duo keep walking for a way and then stop to take some more readings, however the scene is shot at the same tree that they were just standing at!

No, this is not the same scene twice. The first picture is from when Tom thinks he sees something. The second picture is from after they have moved on and had been walking for awhile longer. Busted! Exact same tree!

It’s finding errors like this that make watching these movies all worthwhile. Ahhh…now I have more energy to continue with this film.

While the two are walking around in the fog, a slime person steps on the rope that leads back to Calvin and the girls. Calvin feels the rope jerk and assumes that the Tom and the Professor are in trouble. Tolliver, sitting on an old tractor (!) laughs and makes some wisecracks, while Bonnie and Lisa run off into the fog! Calvin, showing great judgment, throws down the rope and chases after the girls into the fog. Oh no. I just realized that this means there will be more roaming-in-the-fog scenes. God help me.

Tom and Galbraith finally, and I mean finally, reach the wall. In case your wondering what the wall looks like, I can’t tell you because the smoke machines are turned up so high. From what I can make out, it looks like, well, a wall. Not too slimy though. Anyhoo…the two brave men begin applying various chemicals onto the wall to see if they have any effect. Just to give you an idea of how much smoke there is in these scenes, feast your hungry eyes on this:

Yessirree, really makes for some exciting movie watching, eh?

Meanwhile, thinking that Tom and the Professor are in trouble, Calvin and the girls have followed the rope to where Tom is standing. They decide to head back because nothing they’ve tried has affected the wall. Wow, that was an exciting sequence of scenes.

Bonnie asks her father where the wall is. (?) Umm, it’s that giant dome of slime covering LA two feet to your left, honey…. She heads off into the fog and screams. I think she screams because a slime person is coming towards them. I’m not sure because I can’t make it out through the smoke. Whatever. They run back to the car. Let’s get this movie over with.

It’s actually pretty humorous sometimes when the exciting “action” music plays: horns blaring, drums pounding, and you can’t see a thing through the smoke. Maybe I need a break if I find that entertaining.

After making it back to safety (…after some truly boring “action” scenes of being chased by lumbering slime people through thick smoke…), the group drives back to town. On the way, Tolliver wants to be dropped off somewhere so he can start his book about the idiotic believers. Glad to be rid of him, they pull over to the first house they drive past, and Tolliver jumps out of the car and runs up to the house. Tolliver tries to break into the house to “…see if they have a typewriter…” when he stumbles upon a spear-skewered body laying next to the front door (don’t worry, you can’t really see too much in the fog).

Suddenly, Lisa lets loose a “Scream-o-Fear” as some slime people waddle up to the cars. Tolliver dives back into one of the waiting cars and they all drive off (leaving one car behind for some reason). Well, finally having seen a slime person, Tolliver has to admit that he was wrong all along.

Driving back to town they come upon a large group of survivors blocking the road. The mob attacks the car and forces them to turn around and head back. I’m not too sure why they attack them, but then again, does it make any difference? No. Maybe it was trying to show how easily civilized behavior is cast aside when people are thrust into extraordinary circumstances. Nahh…probably just chewing up running time.

Driving back to town using a different route, Calvin realizes that they are, *sigh*, out of gas. They pull up to an abandoned butcher shop and try to hide inside. It’s pretty funny to see how low food prices were back in 1963. Actually, it’s kind of annoying because the walls of the butcher store are covered in distracting posters showing meat prices, which the viewer can’t help but read.

The fog-enshrouded front door is locked, so they head back to the completely fog-free back door which is wide open. This is very lucky for them for the slime people immediately attack by breaking through the glass sky-light in the roof of the butcher’s shop. (!) Much easier then, say, going in the wide-open back door.

Everybody takes refuge in the meat locker while Tolliver collapses to the floor as the slime people close in for the kill. Screaming, “Die you monster! You’re not real!”, Tolliver shoots a slime person with no apparent effect. Scratch one stupid character. No more Tolliver.

Both Bonnie and Lisa begin to overact, oops, I mean cry out for Tom to save Tolliver. Being the hero, and a 1960’s male, Tom takes charge and calms the hysterical sisters by saying “He had the same chance for safety as we all had…..Fear killed Tolliver!” Hmmm, I was pretty sure it was a pair of prehistoric slime people that killed him, but with all the fog in the scene, I could be wrong.

The two girls apologize for their outbursts, and walk off scene to calm down, but not before Calvin says “Remember…keep cool!”. (Oh brother!)

Now Professor Galbraith and Tom begin to discuss Tom’s travel through the dome when he first flew into LA. While they are talking Calvin climbs a ladder and peeks out a row of windows. (How many meat lockers do you remember that have ladders and long rows of windows in them?)

With an incredible display of deductive logic (Go Professor! Go!), he figures that the slime wall can be broken by using ‘sodium chloride’! (Oh! So scientific!). Don’t ask me to explain how he figured it out, just see the movie if you really want to know. (Ok, Tom tells him his plane dove down as he passed through the dome. Thus there was a gap between the water and the bottom of the dome. QED: salt from the ocean’s salt spray burned a hole through the dome. Elementary, my dear Watson. Of course, any kid that has ever poured salt on a slug probably would have thought of this a long time ago.)

They decide to give it a try, but they need more salt, and a vehicle to fill with salt and use to get out of the dome. Calvin takes it upon himself to find a car that they can use, but doesn’t want anybody else to know what he’s going to do. Huh? Why not? You would think that it would be common courtesy to tell the others you are going to take off, especially when you have the only rifle! Well, Bonnie finds out he’s going on this Dangerous Mission, and wants to tag along.

Using no common sense what-so-ever, Calvin and Bonnie go out the meat locker’s back door (!) and into an alley. They begin to walk slowly down the alley and walk in front of a big garbage dumpster. Now really, do I have to tell anybody what is going to happen next? In case your brain is completely atrophied by this point, I will tell you that a slime person pulls Bonnie into the dumpster and Calvin continues to walk down the alley, oblivious to the fact (Way to go, Marine!).

As a matter of fact, Calvin doesn’t even notice that she’s gone until he has found a truck and climbed up into the driver’s seat.

Back in the meat locker (a surprisingly warm meat locker), the others have just noticed that Bonnie and Calvin have left. (how big is this meat locker anyway? Could they really not notice that they had snuck out?)

Tom, being The Hero, takes a rifle (where did this second rifle come from?!!) and heads out into the fog to find the young pair. His efforts prove futile, as the only thing he finds is the useless Calvin also wandering around in the fog. The two men are quickly chased back into the meat locker by a couple of slime people where they have to inform the others that Bonnie is missing.

Tom assumes that the slime people have kidnapped Bonnie in order to lure them out. Wait a minute:

1) Why the hell would they bother to do that? They have killed everybody without hesitation up to now!

2) What do the slime people care if a sports caster, an AWOL Marine, a 70 year old professor, and a bimbo are trapped in a meat locker? Do these 4 stragglers really pose such a huge threat to their plans to take over the world?

Well, obviously, we can now look forward to burning more running time as they search for Bonnie. Great. I needed that.

Calvin, suddenly grows a pair of balls, and decides to go out after her alone. Tom tries to stop him from acting so hastily. (Tom, couldn’t you please just let him go out and get killed so I don’t have to watch his horrible acting anymore?)

Before Tom can stop him, Calvin does manage to open the back door and nearly lets a slime person into the meat locker (moron). They manage to close the door on the monster’s claw, or something. This gives Professor Galbraith a chance to study the wound (groan). He deduces again that the monsters are “…self-sealing..” and that’s why the bullets had no effect: the wounds just sealed up again. This also explains why they use these spears: Since the spears are hollow, the wound won’t close up. (Don’t think about all this too much, because it makes no sense whatsoever if you do. Just go with the flow.)

Tom suggests that “…they probably have a headquarters nearby..”, and assumes that’s where they have taken Bonnie. (This movie is really getting stupid now. There. I said it. I feel better.)

Tom and Calvin grab their guns and a slime person’s spear which they just happened to have taken along with them, and head out into the fog to find Bonnie.

The brave pair find a car and drive off, but not before a slime person punctures one of the tires. They still manage to drive up into the mountains on the rim before pulling over and jumping out of the moving car. (You are treated to some really fake scenes of them driving, the kind where you can see out the back window and notice that the car isn’t moving at all…) This ingenious plan was meant to mislead the slime people into thinking that they are still in the car. Genius! Try not to see Tom drop their guns at the top of the hill, and when Tom stands up at the bottom of the hill, his gun is right beside him.

Which also makes me wonder: They know the guns are useless against slime people, so why the hell did they bring them?

They now start to search for Bonnie. Tom suggest that they look for any signs of her…”Foot prints, slime, anything!” (!!)

Cut to a scene showing a slime person dragging the still struggling and screaming Bonnie through the woods. It does make a person wonder why they would take her up into the woods when they live underground…

Slime person carrying Bonnie in the fog. Exciting shot, eh?

Cut back to Tom and Calvin walking through the fog looking for clues. In a most unbelievable moment (and that says a lot!) , Tom leans over and plucks up a lock of blond hair from a field of knee high grass while surrounded by dense smoke and fog. I have to through the BS flag on this one! Penalty! No way!

Wow, I really want to get this over with now. More shots of Tom and Calvin walking through the woods looking for Bonnie. More shots of Bonnie screaming and struggling with a slime person. Ok, we’re really burning up the run time here.

To make a long story short, Calvin, or maybe it was Tom (hard to see who it was in the fog) manages to spear and kill the slime person carrying Bonnie. The two men and the shaken Bonnie (probably with a pretty sore throat by now from screaming for the last 20 minutes) all head back to the butcher’s shop on foot.

On the way back, with another amazing coincidence, they come across the machine that is creating the wall of slime around LA. (Tom, of course, figures out the purpose of the machine after seeing it for maybe 3 seconds.) In fact, it looks like a smoke generator, which is what it is. It’s hard to believe that this one little machine is maintaining a slime dome around the entire city of LA, but hey, who am I to say what is and what isn’t possible for slime people to accomplish.

A tearful reunion is held when Bonnie is reunited with her family in the meat locker. She recalls her horrible ordeal to her father and sister, even mentioning that they had “…set her in a cave.” Hmm, I don’t remember seeing that, but let’s just pretend it happened and move on.

Conferring with the good Professor, they decide to attack the machine with the salt. Their hopes are quickly dampened when they realize they have only two buckets of it. Doesn’t quite sound like enough to liberate Los Angeles, does it now. Since the slime creatures “…already have our temperature under control…” they will just have to try and break out with the salt they have, and as Calvin so astutely points out, as long as they remain in the meat locker they are “…setting ducks.” (Did you mean “sitting ducks”, Calvin?)

They now get their “salt solution” (hey, that’s what the Professor calls it!) and head out to the wall in order to try to make a hole and get out. Or something.

The next shot is really bizarre. We see the 5 of them walking through the fog, but look what each person is carrying: The two girls are carrying heavy buckets of salt solution, Tom and Calvin are carrying rifles which have no effect on slime people, and the 70 year old Professor is struggling to keep up while lugging a spear with him. Even more bizarre is the fact that Lisa has taken along her purse in addition to her bucket of salt.

Oh Lord! That was a gripping scene watching them walk through the fog. To add insult to injury, they show us the exact same scene but from a different angle in order to make us think they are walking a long way. You can even see Lisa trip in the same spot in both scenes. Sheesh!

They finally, oh my Lord, and I mean finally, reach the slime wall and start applying the salt solution to it. Here is a screen capture of their desperate attempts to burn a hole in the wall:

Burning a hole through the slime dome. I guess.

Once again, fate rears its ugly head. The salt is not working fast enough. Tom wants to go after the machine and destroy it. He thinks that the machine will be unguarded because the slime people will still be looking for them. Let me get this straight: The slime people are going to leave the machine that sustains their lives, in order to find 5 stragglers running in the woods? I can’t believe I’m watching this, yet here I sit.

Calving and Tom head off to destroy the machine, leaving the two girls in the care of their 70 year old father. Smart plan. Before they leave, Tom tells them to fire if they run into trouble, yet when they leave to destroy the machine, Tom and Calvin take both rifles with them! Gee, thanks for nothing honey!

Tom heads towards the machine while Calvin stands guard at the top of a little hill. For some reason, Lisa, Bonnie and their father suddenly show up at Calvin’s side. Weren’t they told to stay put? Does anything make sense here?

As you would probably expect, Calvin is attacked by a slime person while Tom is making his way down to the slime machine. After some pretty uninspired hand-to-hand fighting, Calvin manages to kick the slime person down an embankment, where it dies. I guess rolling down a hill is enough to kill these powerful creatures.

After this (yawn, excuse me) exciting episode, Calving, the Professor and the girls decide to go help Tom instead of waiting where they are. As they reach the machine, they see that Tom is in a fight for his life with not 1, but 3 slime people! Lisa lets off a Scream-o-Fear while Calvin runs down to lend a hand.

Wouldn’t you know it? A slimer has snuck up behind Lisa and grabbed her by the throat. (Can we just get on with this and destroy the machine already?!) Thankfully (that this is almost over), Professor Galbraith throws one of the slime people’s spears into the slime producing machine, which of course explodes in a shower of sparks and smoke.

Sounds of wind gusting informs the alert viewer (you are awake, aren’t you?) that by destroying the machine, the slime dome has been ruptured. A good thing too, since Tom and Calvin are really getting their butts kicked by the slime people. The fog lifts and the slime people begin to drop like flies from the clean air.

Having saved the world (at least LA), Tom and Calvin run back and give hugs to their respective sweet-hearts. Stock footage of some jet planes, tanks, and some soldiers walking across a field ensure us that we are safe from the slime people. An army Colonel drives up in a jeep and asks Professor Galbraith to give a full report to “..the General.” (Oh. That general!)

We end the movie with Calvin and Bonnie in the front of a jeep with Tom and Lisa in the back. “C’mon! Let’s get out of here!” shouts Calvin as they drive off. Uggh.

Dennis Grisbeck (Jan 2005)

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