Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe (1990)

Written and Directed by Damian Lee In a nutshell: Middle-aged actors portray Cyborg cops from the planet Sardacian fighting over the Anti-Life Equation. Run Time: 90 minutes Classic Quote: Father So what makes you think you can locate my 4-by-4? Abraxas My box has VD. Mother What?! Abraxas VD: Vibrational Detection.   Abraxas (Jesse Ventura)Abraxas [...]

Godzilla (1998)

Directed by Roland Emmerich Written by Roland Emmerich, Dean Devlin Run Time: 132 minutes Tagline: “1998. The year of GODZILLA!” Like most Godzilla fans, I remember the 1998 Dean Devlin & Roland Emmerich (D&E) version with loathing. So enraged was I after sitting through the damn thing in the theater I toyed with writing a [...]

Dollman vs. the Demonic Toys (1993)

Directed by Charles Band Written by Charles Band, Jackson Barr Run Time: 72 minutes 25 Words or Less: Diminutive alien cop hooks up with hot nurse to battle toys from Hell! The Cast Brick Bardo (Tim Thomerson)Only 12-inches tall, but with an galactic-sized attitude, interstellar cop Brick Bardo is trapped on a planet a long, [...]

Highlander 2 (1991)

Directed by Russell Mulcahy Written by Gregory Widen Run Time: 109 minutes A guest review by Karl Hoegle Connor Macleod (Christopher Lambert)He must have really needed the money, or failed to read the script before agreeing to this turkey. Hmmm… Was there a script? Juan Sánchez Ramírez (Sean Connery)3.5 million for 9 days work! I [...]

Waterworld (1995)

Directed by Kevin Reynolds Writer by Peter Rader and David Twohy Run Time: 135 minutes A guest review by Karl Hoegle. Mariner (Kevin Kostner)So many fish jokes and puns that I could use here, but I will refrain. Deacon (Dennis Hopper)So over the top, I wonder if he read the script or just improvised as [...]

Barbarian Queen 2: The Empress Strikes Back (1992)

Directed by Joe Finley Written by Howard Cohen and Lance Smith Run Time: 80 minutes Although I typically wouldn’t want to review a sequel without first posting a review for the first of the series, I’m going to make an exception for this movie. Why? Two reasons: 1) It’s not really a sequel: it’s more [...]

Lost In Space (1998)

Directed by Stephen Hopkins Written by Akiva Goldsman Run Time: A whopping 130 minutes! [Dennis: Ouch!] Tagline: Danger, Will Robinson! Budget: 75 million Total US Gross: 69.102 Million (136 Million worldwide) A Guest Review by Karl Hoegle John Robinson (John Hurt)Super Dad! Maureen Robinson (Mimi Rodgers)The glue that keeps the family together. Judy Robinson (Heather [...]

Timelock (1996)

Directed by Robert Munic Written by Joseph Barmettler Run Time: 90 long minutes Tagline: There’s no going back Summary: A sub-par “Escape From Prison Planet” snore fest. Before I begin, I want to reiterate that I know that the folks that make films like ‘Timelock’ aren’t expecting Academy Awards for their efforts; so I’m not [...]

War of the Worlds (2005) (plus bonus review! Independence Day (1996))

ATTACK OF THE SCI-FI SOAP OPERA SERIALPART THREE By Sean Ledden War of the Worlds – or – quality time with the kids And now, regrettably, we come back full-circle to Monsieur Spielberg. Remember how I complained in Close Encounters of the Third Kind of our long immersion into Neary household trauma? Well, now that [...]

The Secret Adventures of Tom Thumb (1993)

Directed and Written by Dave Borthwick Run Time: 60 min There are very few movies that I find haunting, even moving. The kind of movie that I just can’t get out of my head after seeing it. This is one of them. "The Secret Adventures of TomThumb" is a short, poignant, and disturbing film. It [...]

Search For The Beast (1997)

Directed by R.G. Arledge Run Time: 82 minutes Search For The Beast is one of those films that defies description. But since it is my unpaid, and often thankless, job at this web site to attempt to describe such films, I’m obligated to give it a shot. Let’s start out by noting that the film [...]

Future War (1997)

Directed by Anthony Doublin Written by Dom Magwili Tagline: "Past Predator, Present Alien, Future Terminator" Run Time: 90 min Sister Ann: "Who are you?" Future Slave: "A tool." I don’t think I’ve hated a movie as much as Future War since I reviewed Hobgoblins a while back. Everything, everything, everything about this movie is poorly [...]

On Deadly Ground (1994)

Directed by Steven Seagal Tagline: “His battle to save the Alaskan wilderness and protect its people can only be won…” Run Time: 102 min Other Titles: "Rainbow Warrior", "Spirit Warrior" On Deadly Ground directed, produced, and starring Steve "Kick Yo’ Ass" Seagal, is a perfect example of a movie star’s ego gone wild. In 1994 [...]

Contact (1997)

ATTACK OF THE SCI-FI SOAP OPERA SERIAL PART ONE by Sean Ledden PROLOGUE A couple of weeks ago my trusty TV of 14 years died a quick and unexpected death. Grief-stricken, I rushed out to buy a new flat-screen LCD and celebrated by watching some of my favorite old wide-screen spectacles, including Close Encounters of [...]