From the Better Late Than Never Department:

The Monster Shack takes great pride in trashing the (gag) “Syfy” channel, but I was recently shocked, yes shocked!, to find it presenting something genuinely good. Thrilling even! And that thing is…..drum-roll….. The Mercury Men. It is, to quote it’s very cool retro poster, “The return of the classic cliffhanger serial!”

Cut to the City Building, Pittsburgh, 1975. In black and white. Where bored, peevish office drone Edward Borman sits watching the clock. Bang on 7:00 PM he is ready to go, ignoring the pleas of a young woman who simply has to have her documents stamped. But his passive-aggressive satisfaction is arrested when he hears a scream just before entering the elevator. Where did that young woman go? Returning, almost against his will, to investigate he sees an eerie light moving through the empty offices, and is soon running for his life from strange glowing figures who can kill with lightning. Fortunately for Edward these intruders are not the only visitors that night, and his life is saved by Jack Yaeger, a “daring aerospace engineer” and member of something called “The League.” For now all I can tell you is that it is led by one “Captain Tomorrow.” And that devise the glowing beings are assembling in the parking garage? It’s a “gravity engine!” Can Jack and Edward destroy it before the minions of the Chief Designer use it to accomplish his fiendish plan? Tune in tomorrow!

Sean Ledden (December 2011)

Read more about Mercury Men at

Written and Directed by Jack Perez

Run Time: 90 minutes

Tagline: Winner…Eats…All!

Yes! Get ready for the movie that went straight to video in 2009, the movie that will have you pulling your hair out, the movie that will have you spewing beer out of your mouth in laughter, the movie that features your favorite giant cephalopod battling the eeeeeeevil Mega Shark for dominion of the world’s seas! YES! It’s Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus!

After the opening title sequence, we hop to the Alaskan coast where a military helicopter is performing some sort of super-duper top-secret sonar testing. This can’t be good. Why not? Because it’s the military. Meanwhile a nearby oceanic research sub, piloted by our heroine Emma (Deborah Gibson…yes, that Debbie Gibson from the 80′s pop music scene.), is almost mashed by a gigantic chunk of ice that cracks off of a glacier.

"Half the continental shelf just fell off!" shouts navigator Vince.

"Hey, why so nervous?" asks Emma . (I’m guessing he’s nervous because half the continental shelf fell off 20-feet from the sub.)

(Cracking glaciers in a monster movie are never a good sign…)

The tension builds…

If that wasn’t enough excitement for you, we now watch a gigantic swarm of hammerhead sharks swim around the sub.

No, wait. Actually stock-footage of hammerhead sharks swarm the sub, since the Alaskan waters are way, way too cold for sharks. But whatever. More footage of warm-water sea life fills the screen (including coral reefs!) as Emma stares out the windows of the sub in awe of Nature’s beauty. (Again, wasn’t this supposed to be Alaska?!)

Emma finally spots what she’s been searching for: a whale. ("It’s enormous," Vince notes – Uh, yeah Vince, it’s a whale.) So….with a bunch of submarine mumbo-jumbo ("Down bubble 20!", etc. etc.), she sets the sub in motion and tails the pod of whales. Unbeknownst to Emma, the naval helicopter’s sonar device has spooked the sea creatures and screwed up their navigation abilities. (Bad, military! Bad!) The confused whales blindly crash into the aforementioned glacier causing a massive "ice quake". (Inexplicably, the helicopter pilot suddenly loses control and, with a half-hearted shout of "Holy crap!" smashes into the glacier and dies. How in the world could any of this have affected a helicopter?)

Struggling for control of the submarine, Emma stares in disbelief (me too) when the cracked ice reveals…Bum! Bum! Bum!…Mega Shark and Giant Octopus frozen together in solid ice. (How in the world did that happen? Talk about a cold snap.) Well, the ice shatters further and the titular monsters swim off to wreak havoc. Let the games begin.

Why, if I ever get out of here…oh! I’ll show you, I will!

First stop: a drilling platform off the coast of Japan where Giant Octopus immediately gets busy by plucking off a few hapless workers from the decks before tearing down the entire structure. (A cut scene shows Octopus blinking its eyes and balefully staring at the workers before consuming them. I didn’t think octopi had eyelids, but I’m too lazy to Google it and find out. I don’t think they do. I also didn’t think that octopi attacked oil rigs, and that one I’m not going to even bother checking out.)

Oil rig! nom nom nom!

Cut to a beach in California where Emma and Dick, her boss and head of the NorCal Oceanic Institute, are escorted by FBI agents (!) to a washed up whale carcass covered with suspicious wounds. (Mwu-ha-ha!!!!) After Dick chews her ass for "borrowing" the mini-sub without permission, Emma explains that she just had to take the sub and study the whales because they had been acting "nuts". (Oh, Emma, would you please stop using such arcane scientific jargon?) When Dick takes his leave to chat with the agents, Emma takes a quick peek at the carcass and spots what looks like a gigantic tooth in the wound. To everybody’s surprise (cue evil Government Cover-Up laughter), Dick orders a halt to the examination and unconvincingly declares that the wounds were caused by a oil tanker propeller. Case closed.

Damned boat propellers!

Later that evening, a frustrated Emma and Vince stand on the beach discussing the day’s freaky events while drinking beer from paper bags. (Classy, Emma, real classy! Ha!) Realizing that she’ll probably lose her job tomorrow after Dick’s hastily summoned review board (because she "stole" the mini-sub, blah blah blah), Emma decides to sneak back to the whale carcass that night and remove whatever it was she saw in the wound. Soooooo….yep, later that night, she talks her way past a most incompetent security guard and pulls out a gigantic tooth from the wound. A-ha! The plot thickens. Then again, since the title of the movie really doesn’t leave too much to the imagination, it’s hard to understand why the movie makers decided to waste time on a "mystery". (It reminds me a bit of the "mystery" in the beginning of The Giant Gila Monster…I mean, if the answer to the mystery is in the title of the movie, what’s the point?)

Bag O’ Beer

Meanwhile, back at the Tokyo Detention Center, the sole survivor from the doomed oil rig, some poor film extra named Takeo, sits under armed guard and is forced to recount what he saw while Dr. Shimada, the friendly scientist, takes notes. (For some completely unexplained reason, Takeo speaks with a heavy Australian accent. I can only hope that this was meant as a joke.) Takeo, still in shock, is given a piece of paper to sketch what he saw. Just as he begins…we cut to the next scene. Seriously, was this meant to be suspenseful? We know what he saw because we saw it too! So why bother with the build up?! Sheesh!

Like I said, just as we were about to see what Takeo sketches (let me guess, it was a giant octopus), we cut away to a passenger airplane flying high over the clouds. Do you see where this is going? Do you? In a truly hilarious shot, a shocked passenger shouts "HOLY SHIT!" when he sees Mega Shark leaping up from the sea to eat the plane!

Things that make you say “Holy Shit!”

Yes, Mega Shark managed to snatch a jet at cruising altitude out of mid air. It doesn’t get much better than this…"better" in the Monster Shack meaning of the word, of course. In fact, it’s so good, I’m going to let you watch it for yourself:

Special Monster Shack Extra: Check out the graphic at the end of this review for an in depth study of the physics involved behind this leap!

Sure enough, the next day Emma gets fired from the Institute as Dick gives her some pithy words of advice on the way out, "Don’t love the ocean too much…it doesn’t love you back." (And this guy runs an ocean research center?) With no job and still intrigued over the gigantic 2 foot tooth she pulled from the dead whale, Emma heads over to her old friend and mentor Professor Sanders (Sean Lawlor), who also Just Happens to be an ex-Naval Paleontologist. (How convenient. We later learn that Sanders was drummed out of the Navy for grounding a nuclear sub in order to avoid hitting a dolphin!)

After Emma explains to Sanders what has happened, they set up an ersatz lab at his house using equipment Emma stole from the Institute when she got canned. (Nice work ethic, Emma.) Following a long boring montage of "research" shots, i.e., fingers tapping keyboards, people staring into test tubes full of blue liquids, bunsen burners, etc., Sanders positively identifies the object that Emma found in the dead whale.

"A tooth!?" Emma gasps in amazement upon discovering that the long, sharp, white, bony relic found in a gaping bite wound was a tooth.

Without further ado, Sanders flips through a book and says that the tooth came from an ancient species of shark: Megalodon. (Hey! That sounds like a great name for a movie! Oh. Too late.) Just as the scene starts running out of steam (you can quote megalodon Wikipedia facts for only so long before the audience gets bored…trust me), the phone rings and Sanders is happy to hear that his Japanese college, Dr. Shimada. (Remember…he was interviewing the Australian-speaking Japanese survivor earlier in the film? Never mind.) will be arriving shortly in San Francisco to meet with him regarding the oil rig disaster.

After Sanders and Emma meet Shimada at the airport, brief introductions are made ("I heard about your wild diving-bell experiments," says Sanders as Shimada coyly smiles. No comment.) And yes, yes, sparks fly as Emma and Shimada shake hands. Blah blah blah. In case your wondering why Shimada has traveled to the States at all, well, he suspects his government is covering up the cause of the oil rig disaster so the only logical thing for him to do was meet up with Sanders and try to figure all this out. (Yes, I know, it makes no sense.)

Back at Sanders’s house, Shimada insists that what attacked the oil rig was definitelynot a megalodon while revealing Takeo’s sketches.

Research!

"This is is definitely not the eye of a shark," Sanders agrees. (It’s not the eye of an octopus either, but oh well.)

Um, an octopus has eyebrows?

At that moment the doorbell rings: it’s a special delivery for Emma. Inside the package is a boot-leg copy of the submarine’s camera footage from the beginning of the film. ("Vince must have dropped it off," Emma says in a throwaway line. Yeah. I guess he did, but didn’t bother to come in and talk to anybody? It doesn’t matter. His character is never seen again.) As the trio watch the grainy footage on the TV, they quickly realize what they’re up against. (And in case you haven’t figure out what that is, please review the title of this movie.)

Meanwhile, Mega Shark has definitely not been resting on his laurels after his recent attack. Cut to a US Naval vessel somewhere in the middle of the ocean scanning the depths for the beasts. "You give the President my personal word," snarls the ship’s Captain into the radio, "when we find the beast…we’ll send it to Hell!" Unfortunately , the Captain’s premature bravado is rudely interrupted as Mega Shark shows up out of nowhere and starts swimming like mad towards the destroyer.

"Execute Plan Delta! Execute Plan Delta!" shouts the Captain. (So, plan Delta is the Megalodon Defense Maneuver?)

Despite being bombarded by the ship’s main guns, Mega Shark manages to avoid major injury and smashes its head into the destroyer a few times before sending it to the bottom of the ocean. (I was greatly disappointed that there wasn’t a shot of the shark with the ship in its mouth…damn, that would have been funny! [NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: We get to see it eat another boat, so relax.])

Back at the Sanders’s residence, things get tense for our friends when the FBI (or somebody…they’re all generic black-suited goons) scoops them up and takes them to a secret Naval headquarters where a sleaze-bag government agent, Allan Baxter (played by the ubiquitous Lorenzo Lamas), tries to convince them to help the US of A in destroying the monsters since they threaten our national security. Of course, there’s the perennial conflict between Military and Science: Baxter wants the creatures destroyed, Emma wants them contained for study. (Just how they would ‘contain’ a shark capable of leaping into the stratosphere and eating airplanes is not explained.) Shimada suggests capturing them in shallow waters, such as, oh, San Francisco Bay and Tokyo Bay. "Think of it as a kind of corral," Sanders explains. (Sure.) Baxter agrees to give it a shot and charges the trio with finding a way to independently lure each of the monsters to the appropriate bay for capture.

Science!

After some more test-tube excitement and perfunctory flirting between Emma and Shimada (which leads to them having sex in a broom closet…yech), a solution is found: pheromones. Shimada heads back to Japan to set up the trap in Tokyo Bay while Sanders and Emma stay in San Fran to prepare their end of things. (Wouldn’t it be funny if each team accidentally took the wrong set of pheromones with them?)

Oh, I guess it’s time for some more excitement. A scout plane reports seeing "something" in the waters off San Francisco.

"Shark or octopus?" Baxter asks.

"Hard to say," says Sanders.

Hard to say?! Yeah, sure, I can see how you could confuse an octopus with a shark. They both look so much alike. There’s even a sonar image of a big "something" with 8 freakin’ arms!!! I hope you get eaten, you idiot. (Psssst: he does.)

“Shark or Octopus?”…You make the call!

Baxter orders the plane to descend to 100 feet so the pilot can get a better look. Bad idea. Giant Octopus, not to be outdone by all the attention Mega Shark has gotten recently, extends a monstrous tentacle into the air and swats the plane into the sea. (A fun scene to be sure, but still not nearly as funny as the shark eating the other airplane.) Anyway, the octopus swims away to eat again another day, while Emma and Sanders volunteer to pilot a sub into the murky waters of SF Bay to emplace the pheromone trap. (Again, how do they know which pheromone to spread in the water? Shark or octopus? Could they be mixed to ensure that at least one of them is trapped?)

Smack down!

Before beginning her Oh So Dangerous mission, Emma takes a few minutes to stare out over the ocean and reflect on the goofiness of this movie. Sanders breaks the silence and informs her that Shimada has called to tell them that the octopus is heading for Tokyo, while "our" shark is coming to San Francisco. (Just how in the hell Shimada determined this is beyond me.)

Always eager to state the obvious, Sanders somberly says, "We have to be very careful out there, lassie."

"I’ve always thought of myself as a scientist, not a soldier," says Emma.

"Every scientist faces something like this sooner or later," Sanders reminds her. (They do!?!?)

Emma, nodding in quiet agreement, continues, "I can’t help thinking of Einstein and Oppenheimer…" (WHAT?!…Einstein?)

Later that day, Emma and Sanders pilot the sub down into the bay and try to set out the shark pheromone lure…but the robotic arm gets stuck. (Face palm.)

Baxter warns them over the radio that Mega Shark has been spotted and is heading towards them at 500 knots. (!)

More Mega Shark tension!

Anyway, after getting the arm "unstuck" (by banging the sub against a rock..smart), the trap is set, so Emma skidaddles out of the area. For some reason, Baxter decides to renege on his deal to capture the monsters and orders a nearby ship to open fire Mega Shark with depth charges. When the shark disappears from the radar the ship’s Captain declares "target destroyed." (Uh oh…)

"Who wants sharkskin boots!" Baxter shouts in a (premature) fit of jubilation as the shark reappears (how does it avoid sonar at will?) and bites the destroyer in half!

To rub salt in the wound, Mega Shark shoots up San Francisco Bay and tears down the Golden Gate Bridge in gloriously cheesy CGI! Mega Shark, you’re awesome!

Damn he’s good!

With things not going exactly as planned, a crestfallen Sanders drops Shimada a line to discuss the latest events. An equally somber Shimada takes the line and says, "The military has only succeeded in angering it…like an cornered dog." (Strange analogy for a giant octopus, but whatever.) With all their plans shot to hell, Emma has a brain storm: "We’ll get them to kill each other!" (ho boy)

"What makes you so sure they’ll duke it out?" Baxter wonders.

"They’re natural enemies [they are?]…the fact that they were frozen in mid-combat confirms it." [It does?]

Emma then goes on to explain that during the last ice age all the animals "ran for their lives" while Mega Shark and Giant Octopus decided to stay and fight it out. (I’m not sure how an octopus, or shark for that matter, could "run" for its life even if it wanted to, but let’s not be overly pendantic.)

To make a long story short, Mega Shark and Giant Octopus are lured into the middle of the ocean where they can "duke it out" and hopefully destroy each other. (And hopefully end this movie.) A few false scares later, i.e.,

• oh gee, I wonder if Mega Shark will eat Emma’s sub or not…Hey! She got away, (but only after engaging the sub’s "emergency turbos", oh brother….)
• Hey! A "navigate the sub through a tight, twisty underwater canyon" scene..who would have thought?
• oh gee, the sub’s navigator cracks under the pressure and mutinies…will he kill Emma and the others?

our two antagonists finally meet in the aquatic squared circle and start pounding the crap out of each other.

C’mere you…why I outta…oh, you….

In the middle of the chaos, Mega Shark disappears from the radar and then reappears out of nowhere (how does he do that?) to grab Emma’s sub in its toothy maw. Instead of immediately crushing the sub, Mega Shark toys with it awhile giving Emma and Sanders time to escape in the mini-sub while the doomed sub’s commander sacrifices himself (and crew…maybe they could have at least voted on this?) by shooting missiles at point blank range. Although the missiles do no harm, the explosions stun Mega Shark and give Emma time to sneak away. But wait! Shimada’s sub gets grabbed by Giant Octopus while Emma watches in horror! (What the hell is going on here? This is really hard to follow. EVERYBODY is in a different freakin’ sub and all the subs use the same movie set…)

Submarines! nom nom nom!

OK, they fight some more (I couldn’t help but notice that Giant Octopus’s tentacles are all back in place now despite having 3 of them bitten off in the previous battle scene…oops!). I will admit that the filmmakers deserve credit for showing a lot of cool footage of them fighting, so kudos guys.

Anyhoo, after biting and squeezing each other for a while (what else can a shark and an octopus really do?), the 2 combatants presumably die and sink to the bottom of the ocean.

Or do they…

The End.

Dennis Grisbeck (July 2011)

PS: Shimada is magically OK after all. (I guess his sub survived being squished by a 2000 foot long octopus…go figure.) As you would expect, Shimada and Emma hit it off and decide to team up with Sanders to continue exploring the oceans and blah blah blah.

Kudos to Stephan Taubman for this awesome graphic!

Read more about Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus at

Written and Directed by James Nguyen

Run Time: 90 minutes

	Rod (Allen Bagh) Salesman, eco-warrior, and fisherman. Rod manages to survive the “birdemic” mostly by luck rather than smarts, and certainly not by acting.
	Nathalie (Whitney Moore) Mandatory love interest and hot-chick. Fair enough.
	Rick (Colton Osborne) Rick the sexaholic, annoying guy. Will the birds kill him?…tough question.

Summary: Global warming leads to exploding, acid-spitting birds.

How is it possible? Was this movie meant to be a cruel joke? What twisted mind can have even conceived of a production as horrid as Birdemic? Sure, we could place the blame solely on writer/director and self-proclaimed "Master of Romantic Thrillers" James Nguyen; and granted it is his name that graces this cover. Yet to believe that any single human being could be responsible for this catastrophe without direct aide from the deeper rings of Hell would be naive.

Open with a long sequence of highway shots, and random cars driving around. Oh, I guess that’s our hero, Rod, in the blue sports car. At least that’s what I’m guessing since the camera lingers on it from time to time.

And…he’s driving to work. Yep. Still driving. Just to make sure you realize he’s driving, we cut to a hand-cam POV shot of him driving. (Manos could only dream of having as much driving as this movie!)

Boy, this is one well-established driving scene. What’s it been now? 4 minutes!! I hate this movie already.

This is insane! We’re still in a POV driving shot!

Oh. Wait. Cut to some dumb city and…whoa! He’s parking! Heart…be still! Rod climbs out of his car and struts into a nearby diner where he spots a beautiful girl, Nathalie.

By the way, I’m just going to mention it now: the editing in this movie is absolutely terrible. No. Let’s add a capital "T" to that: it’s Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Jump cuts abound where scenes should have been extended, scenes drag on forever where they should have been cut, people are cut off in mid-sentence, the camera focuses on people who aren’t talking while other characters talk off screen, which might be useful to show the actor’s emotions to what is being said to them, but since there is no acting in this film, it’s just like watching a still picture with an audio track. Oh, and since the movie was shot on a budget of $10,000, the entire sound track was recording using the camera’s mic, making for some very strange audio effects. It’s like something Ed Wood would have made if he’d had a tighter budget.

Back with Rod and Nathalie. After finishing her food, Nathalie abruptly leaves while Rod quickly follows her outside. After a short interval, Rod finally catches up to her and introduces himself. During their short, dull conversation they discover that they both attended the same school and blah blah blah. Even more incredibly stilted small talk ensues and I’m really becoming nervous at this point because I’m already getting a headache. Anyhoo, Rod says that he’ll get in touch with her later as Nathalie mentions that she has a modeling audition to get to and takes her leave.

Meet-cute complete. Now where are the freakin’ birds?

Jump cut to Rod eating breakfast and watching TV. (Huh?! Is this the next day? What?) A news report informs us that some "crows and seagulls" have been found dead on a highway. Boy, that’s a breaking news story, all right. The TV anchorwoman immediately segues into a story about the dwindling polar bear population (what is this? The All Nature News Network?) due to global warming. So, yeah, we get it, global warming is now officially Birdemic’s Message To Humanity…we better all watch out and cut our carbon footprint or else we’re going to be attacked by crows.

After breakfast, Rod ambles outside, gets in his car and…aiiiiyeeeeeee! more driving! NOOOOOO! why? Why?! WHY?! There’s even a cut scene of him pumping gas! What does it mean? What have I done to deserve this? Hoo boy! You thought POV driving scenes were exciting? Well…feast your eyes on a POV traffic jam! YEEEEAAAH BABY! I love this movie. We can only bow our heads in collective reverence at the film maker’s courage to include a traffic jam scene. It’s pure genius!

Yes, the excitement of a POV traffic jam.

Now let’s join Rod at work, shall we? You see Rod is a extremely talented salesman for Generic Co., or Conglom Corp. or something, as can be seen by watching Rod make a huge sale from his draconian cubical.

"What does it take to make the sale?", Rod says into the phone.

After a moment’s pause he responds with a killer offer:"OK, I’ll give you that and fifty percent off!"

This amazing bartering session closes the deal and Rod celebrates with an apathetic "woo-hoo!"

Hearing the commotion from down the hall, Rod’s friend, Rick, pops in to see what’s going on. Rod explains that he just closed a $1,000,000 deal, "The biggest sale of my career!" But since he just gave them 50% off, didn’t he actually just lose a million dollars? Sure, whatever, and seriously, somebody put this guy is in charge of multi-million dollar clients? Give me a break.

Rod celebrates losing his company a million dollars.

Moving on to Nathalie’s photo shoot at the luxurious "My Studio – 1 Hour Photo"…yeah, the one next to the mini-mart with the "ICE COLD BEER" sign in the window. (Hey, Nathalie, you might want to switch agencies…)

Nathalie’s career is definitely on the up and up.

I have to admit, I was hoping to see a little skin during the photo shoot, but it’s unfortunately boring and way too tame: mostly bizarre green kimonos and such. (Even the Casio-keyboard cover version of "Photograph" by Flock of Seagulls couldn’t save this scene. Actually the music during the photo shoot is an ever-so-slightly modified version of that song, probably to avoid having to pay copyright fees.)

I heard that green kimonos are in this year.

Cut to the "Dream Models" agency where Natalie’s agent struggles to type on a Dell laptop. (I assume Dell is suing the producers for sullying their brand name in this movie.)

But wait! Good news for Nathalie! Her agent calls her up and informs her that she’s been chosen for a Victoria’s Secret contract. Despite the shock of this abrupt ascension from "My Studio – 1 Hour Photo" to Victoria’s Secret, Nathalie keeps her cool, "Thanks for getting me the gig," she says before hanging up.

Meanwhile, on a whim, Rod calls Nathalie to see how she’s doing. When she tells him about her new Victoria’s Secret "gig", smooth-talker Rod can’t help but shout "Wow! I think you’d look great in those lingerie!" To celebrate Nathalie’s new contract, Rod invites her to dinner at "that delicious Vietnamese restaurant", to which she happily agrees. (you know…that restaurant.)

Cut to see Rod and Rick playing some hoops, but they have to call it quits because it’s so unusually hot. Rod wonders if it’s all because of global warming. (Gee, Rod, could it be that warm because you live in Southern California? Idiots.)

While taking a break in a nearby shady spot, Rod tells Rick all about his new found friend, Nathalie.

"I hope you score with her, man," says Rick with an oily grin. (Yeah, ok, boys will be boys, but man…take it easy, Rick.)

Trying to change the subject, Rod, apparently unaware of SEC American Insider Trading laws, casually informs Rick that their company is about to be bought out by Oracle. (Huh?! Would Oracle ever have anything to do with these 2 clowns?)

"Then we’ll all be…millionaires!" chortles Rick with a pathetic white-guy fist pump.

Rick emotes.

Later that day, Rod gets a visit from a solar panel salesman. After a little haggling the deal is closed.

Now, you may be asking yourself the same question I’m asking myself:

What’s the freakin’ point of all this!?

Is it that Rod is an eco-friendly "green" kind of guy? Well if he’s so environmentally conscious, then why the hell does he drive a 5.0 liter Mustang instead of taking the bus? (Not to mention the motor boat sitting in his driveway…yeah, real eco-friendly, Rod.)

Later that weekend, Nathalie meets Rod at the aforementioned "delicious Vietnamese restaurant" where they engage in some tedious small talk. After a bit of mandatory, bile-inducing flirting, Nathalie and Rod have officially Hit It Off and decide to take a walk in the park. After strolling across the screen (since there’s no budget for a camera dolly…), the amorous pair stop to admire a trio of atrociously rendered CGI parrots flapping motionless in the air like oversized hummingbirds. (I tried to get a decent screen shot of them, but was unable to. Never fear…there are plenty of screen shots to come (evil laughter).) I’m not sure if this was meant to be portentous, but it’s pretty damned funny.

And…the movie grinds on and still no killer birds yet. Nathalie tells her mom that she met a swell guy with a lot of money. ("You go, girl!", mom erupts.) Oh, and Nathalie sets up a double date with her girlfriend, Mai who just so happens to be Rick’s girlfriend. What are the odds, eh? (If you didn’t follow that, don’t worry. It doesn’t matter.)

The next day, Rod and Rick learn that their company has in fact been bought out by Oracle for a billion dollars. (A billion!!!???) So now they’re rich. Hooray.

This is really a strange movie in a way. (OK, in a lot of ways.) There is a lot of focus on money, cash, stock options, etc, as well as the whole global warming angle. It’s a weird combination that really doesn’t make much sense, i.e., what is the theme here? Global warming is dangerous or cash is king?

You go, boy!

Well, the answer is seemingly "Cash is King" as we are subjected to yet another sleazy scene where Rick explains how Rod better buy a Ferrari if he ever hopes to "get in Nathalie’s pants". (You know, I think I hate Rick more than Rod. I really do.) Much to Rick’s chagrin, Rod isn’t interested in using his newfound wealth on a car. "She is my Ferrari," Rod oozes referring to Nathalie, "besides, my Mustang is a plug-in hybrid." (Oh. Sure it is, Rod. Sure it is. Then how come we never see you plug it in?)

Later that evening we see the 2 couples leaving a movie theater after seeing, yep, "An Inconvenient Truth". (Wow, Rod, nothing like showing your girlfriend an Al Gore flick to get her in the mood. Way to go, Romeo.) Yes, it appears that our ex-VP’s powers of persuasion are as strong as ever since even Rick, confirmed Ferrari fan and sexaholic, has fallen under Gore’s spell and vows to buy a hybrid car ASAP…but first he has to take Mai back to the apartment for some "sensual work". (Good grief)

The next day we watch Rod hard at work at his new green-tech company Mass Solar. In a conference room we join the excitement in progress as Rod attempts to drum up money from a room full of investors, and wow, if you thought watching somebody drive was boring, try listening to somebody sell solar panels.

More Birdemic excitement!

"Contingent on the terms in our agreement," says the lead investor at the end of Rod’s presentation, "We’re going to fund you [ten million dollars]!"

"Awesome!" Rod shouts. (Man, what a pro…)

Next day (I think, continuity is not this movie’s strong point), Rod and Nathalie spend the afternoon at the "Art and Pumpkin Festival". (…Art and what festival?), where we are forced to watch them stare at, well, art and pumpkins.

Will the excitement ever end?

Uh oh. I feel a rant coming on:

Note to future filmmakers: THIS IS NOT EXCITING! Why are there more pumpkins in this movie than birds???!!! The movie is not called Pumpkindemic! Let’s have some action already! Sheesh!!!

After the Pumpkin Festival From Hell, they decide to take a stroll on the beach. Unfortunately for the viewer, the wind was blowing so hard during filming that you can hardly hear their lines. But maybe that’s a good thing. Anyway, they come across a really bad dead CGI bird in the sand,

"STOP! Don’t touch it! It could be infectious!" Rod shouts with unwarranted alarm.

I guess this was supposed to be a "bum! Bum! Bum!" moment, but we’ll never know because we fade back to Nathalie’s mom’s house where she introduces Rod to her mother. After sitting down on the sofa, they begin talking about retirement plans!…S-N-O-R-E! Who could have possibly thought that this was interesting? What the hell?!

But, hey! They’re now on another date (i.e., jump cut) where they:

1) Order a beer.

2) Talk about dating.

3) Dance to a horrendously lip-synced song.

Rod shows Nathalie his new moves.

Finally, finally something interesting: they head to a nearby hotel where Nathalie gives Rod an impromptu peek at the

lingerie

she’ll be modeling for Victoria’s Secret. (Where’d she get her outfit from if they are at a hotel? Did she bring it with her in her purse? And why are they at a hotel if both of them have houses?)

At last.

Anyway, Rod and Nathalie plop down onto the bed and commence a revolting make-out session, but we thankfully cut to the next morning where all seems quiet…BUT WAIT! Jump cut to a massive attack consisting of screeching CGI birds which dive bomb buildings and explode on impact! (Complete with a dive-bombing airplane’s propeller drone!)

Yep, global warming leads to exploding birds.

It’s Armageddon! It’s Mother Nature taking vengeance on man! It’s…It’s…

It’s really, really bad.

Dive bombing, exploding birds?! I mean…really? This was caused by global warming?!

Meanwhile, Rod and Nathalie wake up (still fully dressed! Nothing like waking up refreshed after a long night of dry humping…) only to discover they’re trapped inside their hotel room by a group of hovering eagles!!!.

Yes, eagles can slowly flap their wings and hover in mid air. Man, that global warming sure is a bitch, aint it?

Wisely, Rod and Nathalie barricade the window with their bed. (Nathalie, still clad in here lingerie, eagerly lends a hand. Ms. Moore, the Monster Shack staff would like to thank you for the additional underwear footage.)

Eagle Attack!

Nobody seems to notice that the bed covers only the bottom half of the window, but, meh, whatever, Rod, whatever.

At least they can’t get in through the bottom half of the window.

Later that day, the birds mysteriously disappear ("Maybe they got tired," Rod proposes), so Nathalie and Rod slink to the neighboring room where they meet another young couple, Ramsey and Becky. (Boy, this hotel sure seems to have a thriving pay-by-the-hour business from the local youth.) After a round of introductions, Rod explains that he’s lost his car keys (what, during the 10-foot walk from your adjoining room?), so Ramsey offers to let them hitch a ride with them in his van. Before they head to the parking lot, Ramsey suggests that they arm themselves with coat hangers (!) from the closet. Alas, despite their precautions, a bunch of eagles swoop down and hover above their heads where they are easily swatted down by a barrage of coat hanger blows.

The classic coat hanger defense.

Once inside the van, Ramsey pulls out an M-16 from the back of the van (WHAT?!) and gives Rod a not-so-manly, but still effective, Glock. Armed to the teeth, the foursome drives off to…I don’t know…escape the birds or something.

"Hey there’s dead people on the side of the road," notes Ramsey, "let’s see if there’s any survivors." (Not to be overly pedantic here, but if they’re dead then the chances would be pretty low for finding survivors, right?) After pulling over to the side of the road, the guys hop out to investigate while Nat and Becky cover them from the van.

(It’s not helping this film’s verisimilitude by having tons of normal everyday traffic driving by in the opposite lane…sheesh!)

Let’s just pretend that traffic isn’t there.

Well I’ll be damned…there were survivors: two scratched up kids, Susan and Tony.

This movie’s enthusiasm is absolutely contagious, isn’t it?

"I’m hungry, I’ve been under the car for a long time," Susan complains without showing too much concern for her parents who were recently pecked to death by dive-bombing eagles. To alleviate the children’s hunger, Rod pulls into an abandoned convenience store where they stock up on supplies, notably candy, water, and cheese. Then, under a fierce aerial attack ("Hurry! The eagles are coming back!") they run back to the van and speed off down the highway only to…and I kid you not…stop for a picnic!!!

Let me repeat: Stop for a picnic!

There’s always time for a picnic.

After eating and taking a bathroom break (was it really necessary to film that?), Rod astutely observes "an old guy" on a nearby bridge.

After a casual walk over to said bridge, the guy orders Rod and Nathalie to keep their distance from a nearby bird corpse because they are "contaminated with Bird Flu virus." (This is so stupid I can’t even comment on it.) The old guy, Dr. Jonas, agrees to accompany Rod and Nathalie back to the picnic area to discuss the recent events. So, with a somber musical score to underscore the doc’s Heavy Message, Jonas explains how global warming is the cause of the latest viral outbreaks "such as Bird Flu, West Nile virus, and SARS"…(oh brother), but he doesn’t know why the birds are actually attacking people. (Not to mention how they can explode!!!)

"But," Jonas adds, "in prehistoric times, birds did attack cave men." (Dennis smacks palm into his forehead at this point.)

Dr. Jonas. Cave man expert.

After Jonas finishes his clumsy speech, Rod and the others take their leave and continue down the road before taking another pause so Becky can, and I quote, "take a shit."

Unfortunately for Becky, her decision to take a bowel movement proves to be fatal as an eagle swoops down out of the blue just as she squats down. Nathalie manages to kill the bird but not before it dispatches Becky with a slash to the throat.

Becky chooses a particularly bad time to take a crap.

After regaining their composer ("The fucking eagles killed Becky!" sobs Ramsey), the survivors continue onward to the next adventure. This time it’s a tour bus under attack.

Tour Bus Attack! caw! caw!

You’d think that the tour would’ve been called off because of the recent avian Armageddon, but there you have it. Ramsey and Rod pull up to rescue the trapped tourists by firing blinding at the birds which are hovering directly in front of the buses windows. Amazingly, not a single bullet misses its target or goes through a bird’s body and strikes the people trapped inside. That’s some damned good marksmanship, I tell ya.

In a truly ironic moment, assuming that this film is actually capable of irony, Ramsey drags the terrified passengers out of the relative safety of the bus and into the parking lot where they are promptly attacked by the birds! Nice rescue, Ramsey.

Just when I thought I’d seen it all, the birds spit a bunch of acid !!! on Ramsey and the tourists, temporarily blinding them and making them easy prey for their lethal beaks.

Exploding birds. Acid spitting birds. Damn! I hate global warming.

With Ramsey’s ill-fated rescue mission at an end, Rod, Nathalie and the kids do the only thing the writers could think of: drive down the highway to the next action sequence. This time, the birds attack Rod at a gas station while topping off his tank, but he manages to duck into the van and drive away before being pecked to death. Damn.

(I thought it was odd that Rod could pay for the gas with a credit card even though phone lines were down…go figure.)

As mentioned above, this movie doesn’t really know where it’s going, so the "plot" is basically driving from bird attack to bird attack. This time, they stop to help a guy stranded at the side of the road who promptly pulls a gun and steals Rod’s reserve fuel canister from the back of the van. Needless to say, a bird swoops down and kills the bad guy. Hurray. What excitement. Rod jumps back into the van and drives off...leaving the gas behind! Idiot!

Uh, Rod…you’re forgetting something…

Sooooo…after driving down the road some more, ack! Rod decides to stop by a creek and get some fresh water. (Obviously Rod has forgotten that he just bought water at the gas station in the previous scene, but hey, let’s cut Rod some slack this late in the game.)

Anyway, while filling up their water bottles, a creepy tree-hugger guy (wearing an extremely obvious fake wig) comes out of the underbrush and begins a long spiel about global warming, bark beetles, drought, etc. etc. It’s pretty bizarre, and frankly, if I were Rod I would have grabbed the kids and gotten the hell away from this dude as quickly as possible.

Note to self: People to keep far away from…

"I hear a mountain lion, you better get back to your car!" Tree Hugger advises as a foleyed lion growl fills the air. (!)

And….they run back to the car. But now there’s a forest fire!

WHAT?! I’m totally losing it now. Did the freakin’ birds start it? (The only redeeming factor in this scene is that the pathetic CGI "forest fire" animation stops slightly before the scene ends, so the fire abruptly disappears while they’re still running down the road…ha! I love it!)

The amazing disappearing forest fire.

Well, we all know what happens next. Yep. They start driving down the road and quickly come across Rick’s car pulled off to the side of the road. What a small world, eh? A quick look inside the vehicle reveals the bodies of Rick and Mai. Oh…the humanity! By the way, this scene is such a total freakin’ after thought since the writers forgot about Rod’s friends, that it makes me physically ill when I consider the gall needed to include it. Ack! Ack! Ack!

A little bit down the road Rod runs out of gas. So, hey, doofus, remember that gas can you left on the side of the road 10 minutes ago?…I bet you regret that now, don’t you?

"Maybe somebody will drive by and help us," says Rod. Well, Rod, actually people have been driving by the entire movie because the producer couldn’t afford to block off traffic during filming, but let’s pretend we didn’t notice that. When the kids start to complain that they’re hungry again (still no mention of mommy or daddy, I guess they’re still in denial), Rod is forced into action and discovers a fishing pole in the back of the van. (A "Deus Ex Deluxe" model fishing pole to be sure.)

Sooooooo….while Nathalie and the kids frolic on the beach, Rod goes a’fishing, manages to land a decent size catch, all of which results in a tasty fish-n-seaweed combo. (The kids understandably demand Happy Meals.) I guess this has something to do with the plot, but I’m just too tired right now to figure it all out.

This cozy lunch is interrupted when the eagles return; this time to surround the van and flap about while screeching like no eagles I’ve ever heard before. As Rod runs out of bullets, things look pretty bleak. (For some reason the eagles don’t just fly into the van via the open side door, but whatever.) Sensing that there is no way to resolve this mess, the writers simply have the birds call off the attack and fly out over the ocean (…to Monster Island and join Godzilla? Who the hell knows.)

Wrapping things up…Birdemic style.

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Cue triumphant music as the survivors recite their inspiring closing lines:

"I wonder why the birds stopped their attack?" murmurs Nathalie as she stares into the distance.

Rod, gazing into the sky, "I don’t know."

The End (whew!)

Dennis Grisbeck (May 2011)

By the way…if you didn’t believe me when I said that this movie is bad, well, here’s some "hi-lites" for ya’:

Read more about Birdemic: Shock and Terror at

Directed by David Flores

Written by Chase Parker and Sam Wells

Run Time: 92minutes

Tagline: Get Ready To Rumble…

Not too much to discuss here, so this review is going to be a bit shorter than usual. I was excited to watch this Bulgarian quickie-production when I first saw the DVD cover proudly displaying 2 giant snakes locked in mortal combat while Apache helicopters blast away at them.

Oh, but this never happens. So don’t, like, expect anything that exciting to happen.

Open at an airstrip somewhere in Bulgaria, oh, I mean Pennsylvania, where some soon-to-be snake snacks struggle to secure the doors of a large tractor trailing carrying, hmmmm, I wonder what.

Dramatically cut to a professional wrestling match (the combatants are named "Boa" and "Python", how very, very ironic), where local Big Shot, Broddick, and his main squeeze, Eve, enjoy the show while awaiting word from the airstrip regarding the delivery of his prized snake. (You can tell Broddick’s a big shot because he smokes a big stogie and he has front row seats in the VIP section, helpfully indicated by the paper "Reserved" signs scotch-taped (!) to the bottom of chairs behind him.

Meanwhile, back in, <cough>, Pennsylvania, the snake wakes up and begins thrashing around in its container. Needless to say, the plan to calm the beast requires fully opening the doors to the snake’s container so that another dose of tranquilizers can be administered. Why? Oh, why, can’t anybody show any competence in these movies? <Sigh>

I’m hope you’re not too shocked when I tell you that the SNAKE GETS OUT AND EATS EVERYBODY! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING! Anyway, all the dudes hired to deliver the snake are eaten, or torn apart, or something, and the snake escapes into the wilderness.

The next day, Broddick and Eve board his personal Jumbo 747 and fly to New Jersey so he can take possession of his giant snake. (He still doesn’t know that his prize reptile has escaped.) Oh, and kudos to the director for a gratuitous bathing/soaping scene onboard the plane, complete with slow-motion squirting of gel-soap onto onto a sponge that looks like the ones I wash my car with.

Anyway, Broddick eventually receives the bad news that his snake has gotten out of its cage (so to speak). It’s now revealed that the reason Broddick bought the snake in the first place was so that he could charge a bunch of rich hunters a gazillion bucks each to hunt the damned thing.

Meanwhile, "24 Miles Outside Philadelphia", the cops are poking around the scene of the snake’s escape. Why some people are wearing HazMat suits while others stroll around in their Dockers is not really clear. Whatever. Local reporter, Kent Humphreys, from, er, "Action News 15" is on scene, pumping local spOOk, Agent Sharpe, for information. Sharpe, the steely professional, dismisses the irritating news hound and notes a gigantic snake scale laying in the wreckage. Gosh, I wonder where that came from…

Ah, yes, there’s also a pair of damaged steel doors which lead down into a labyrinth of tunnels towards the local water treatment plant. Although the size of the hole is in NO WAY big enough to let the snake sneak through, I guess we’re to assume that’s just what it did, so, meh, let’s just go with it. Sure enough, just like clockwork, a call comes in over the police radio reporting the recent ingestion of 2 water plant workers at the ‘hands’ of a giant snake.

With all the puzzle pieces falling into place, Sharpe decides to dig up a couple of old buddies to help him capture the beast. First on the list is a gorgeous marine biologist named Monica SomethingOrOther.

Yes, being the responsible scientist, Monica is chugging beer and taking part in breath-holding contests in the swimming pool. Because of the size of her, um, lungs, Monica easily whips all challengers and walks away with a nifty wad of cash in the process. Just another day in the life of a marine biologist, eh?

Anyhoo, in walks Agent Sharpe who somehow convinces her to accompany him to "Longreen Snake Reserve". Yeah, that one. Upon arrival, Sharpe introduces Monica to the nation’s leading snake expert, Emmett, who Just Happens to have a captive giant boa. Man, what are the odds?

To make a long story short (you’re welcome), Monica explains how she’s spent the last so-or-so-many years developing a head-set that can be surgically implanted into dolphin noggins so that the Navy can have access to underwater cameras or something. The plan, yes, is to implant the same type of headset onto the giant boa and send it into the tunnels to find the python.

"I’m dying to know what kind of situation could possibly require the use of his boa and my implants?" Monica asks in a line that must have been meant as tongue-in-cheek, but is delivered completely deadpan, so, wow, who knows. But it was pretty funny. Well, after 30 minutes of this movie I’m grasping for anything enjoyable.

Meanwhile, Broddick’s poachers start arriving for the big hunt. The typical cookie-cutter characters drive up one-by-one:

• The first guy to arrive is the requisite Redneck, named…wait for it…"Tex".
• Next guy to arrive is referred to only as "the military’s greatest sniper"…but I have to wonder if you’d really need a sniper to hit a 60-foot snake?
• Right on time is Odious Comedy Relief played by nerdy Mr. Danner and his reluctant son, James.
• Last but not least, the Native American, Littlefield, also referred to as the "Master Huntsman". You see, Littlefield hunts with a crossbow and has "Indian" music played on the soundtrack whenever he comes onscreen because, well, he’s spiritual or something, which is way he’s out hunting a giant snake with a crossbow.

Anyway, with the snake’s buffet lined up and ready to be devoured, our disposable cast members hop aboard Broddick’s CGI jumbo jet and fly off to the starting location of the next day’s snake safari.

Meanwhile, back at the Snake Lab, Agent Sharpe convinces Emmett to allow them access to his snake. (You know what I mean.) In a scene that I’ve never seen the likes of before, the gargantuan snake is anesthetized, and laid up on a huge table where Monica attaches a perfectly fitted rig to the reptile’s head that contains microphones, cameras, and GPS (just in case they lose track of an 80-foot boa?!) Anyway, the surgery is a success and Monica manages to implant her, uh, implants into the python. As the snake recovers from the procedure, Emmett gives a little boring back story about how he’s on a life-long quest to develop a "universal antivenin." (Well, maybe you should try researching on snakes that actually have venom! Pythons are constrictors, you idiot!)

While all this other non-stuff is happening, the Bad Snake has squeezed through a manhole (!) and happily eats a young teenage couple making out in their car on Lover’s Lane. In a rather crass scene, the girl doesn’t notice the boy being eaten because she’s in such ecstasy, and then…and then….well, let’s just call this The Scene Too Stupid To Be Described. (You can see it for yourself at the end of this review if you really want to…and you do want to, don’t you?)

Anyhoo, Emmett releases the Good Snake into the water treatment tunnels in order to hunt down the Bad Snake. Just why they think the "good" snake simply won’t eat even more people is not clear. (OK, there was a throw-away line about how it’s territorial and will hunt down and kill other snakes…whatever.) Agreeing to try and take both snakes alive, Sharpe, Emmett, and Monica (dressed in a revealing halter top and tight pants, natch), accompany a gaggle of soldiers into the tunnels armed with tranquilizer guns and a variety of heavy ordinance…Just In Case.

Because this film doesn’t deserve too much introspection, I’ll summarize the next half hour or so as this:

"Hey, let’s split up!"

"OK"

(man/woman/soldier/poacher gets eaten)

"Hey, where did he/she go?"

"I don’t know. Let’s split up and find him/her."

"OK"

(man/woman/soldier/poacher gets eaten)

[Repeat until all but main characters remain]

OK, now that everybody is dead after some predictable "thrills-n-chills" (the camera mounted on the snake breaks down, they lose the GPS connection, the computer freezes up, blah, blah, blah, zzzzzz)…the 2 snakes are flushed out of the water pipes and end up slithering into a local nightclub.(!) I’m really not kidding.

So like I was saying, everybody is just soooooo into the music not a one of them notices the gigantic snake crawling around the dance floor. Yeah, that’s pretty believable. In a relatively humorous scene, the DJ interprets the crowd’s screams as cheering and instead of running for his life, continues to play music as the snake coils up behind him and gulps him down. (This scene represents one of the more clever parts of the script. Scary, aint it?)

Anyway, as the dancers finally notice the giant reptile in their midst and flee the club, Broddick shows up out of nowhere with his flamethrower and starts torching the place because, ya know, he’s a bad ass and that’s how he rolls. He also torches a few soldiers, so I guess Broddick has gone nuts; God knows I have. With Monica and Emmett trapped in a cage (yeah, it’s one of those kinds of dance clubs, I guess), the 2 snakes finally square off…and man, it’s been a looooong time coming.

Trying to stay awake here….

With Broddick ripped in half by the snakes (one snake grasped his head, the other his feet, and then they simultaneously yanked him apart like a party-popper, typical snake behavior I guess), the scene is set for the FX crew to use up the rest of their budget. Unfortunately, the "action" takes place in a darkened night club which really pissed me off because I wanted some screen shots for you. (Never mind the fact that the movie’s bogus cover is totally misleading!!! Where are the helicopters?!)

Boa, or is it python???, slithers down the stairs into the subway station below. (HUH?!…subway station?! Weren’t we just in a night club?)

Blah, blah, Bad Snake gets hit by a subway train. (Apparently the authorities didn’t deem it necessary to shut down the mass transit system despite the fact that it’s infested with giant snakes.) In the ensuing chaos, Good Snake manages to sneak away (How?! HOW?!) leaving Emmett and Monica to join forces and start tracking her down as a team. Cut to closing credits as they jump back into the tunnels…oh no! does this mean…gasp!…a sequel?

Dennis Grisbeck (April 2010)

Things I never knew:

Big snakes growl like lions while normal sized snakes make squeaky mouse noises.

A leading herpetologist could think that a boa is venomous.

80-foot pythons are good at oral sex.

Warning: Here is the “scene” that was so stupid I couldn’t describe:

Read more about Boa vs. Python at

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

Written by M. Night Shyamalan

Co-Starring M. Night Shyamalan

Produced by M. Night Shyamalan

Run Time: 109 Minutes

Tagline: Time is running out for a happy ending.

Like most people on the planet, I was terrifically impressed by M. Night Shyamalan’s 1999 debut The Sixth Sense. I was wrapped up in the story from the beginning, and I freely admit to being bowled over by the surprise at the end. All in all a treat of a cinematic experience. But his follow-ups grew increasingly dominated by a preachy kind of sentimentality, and I parted ways with him. Then Lady in the Water came out in 2006, and it was so thoroughly trashed that it seemed to be his Waterloo, or his Heaven’s Gate. Can it really be that bad? The Monster Shack provides the perfect venue for an investigation and (Spoiler Alert!) the answer is yes.

A Complicated, Yet Still Incomplete, Summary Of The Torturous Plot:

Black & white animated stick figures that look vaguely prehistoric open the movie and fill us in on the backstory. Here we learn that the seemingly all female “ones in the water” used to impart wisdom to Man. Only Man doesn’t listen very well, true enough, so the guys, and they all appear to be guys, go inland, acquire property, and start a bunch of wars. But now the ones in the water are trying again, so they send their “precious young ones” into the human world to try to restore some sanity. Only it’s dangerous, because in addition to dealing with a bunch of greedy, stubborn, warlike men, they also have to contend with some sort of wolf-like creatures. – What the heck do wolf-like creatures have to do with mankind’s greedy and violent nature, by the way?

Then we meet nice, ordinary looking, stutter prone maintenance guy Cleveland Heep. Yes, Cleveland Heep. (Rhymes with jeep. And if that’s not a name meant to invoke despair I’ll eat my hat!) He’s earnestly played by one of my favs, Paul Giamatti, and I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that he’s soulful and lonely. To make matters worse, his job is nothing but a collection of warmly hit-or-miss comic vignettes amongst the vivaciously multi-cultural and charmingly eccentric residents of an apartment complex called The Cove – as in Safe Harbor, FYI. It’s sort of like Greenwich Village, by way of an old MGM musical – only without the music.

But while depressed, Cleveland manages to avoid bitterness. Unlike the pinch-mouthed book and movie critic (Bob Balaban) who has just moved in. (Aren’t cultured, college-educated white people the worst?) This is an achievement because some unknown person seems to be swimming in the pool at night and making the water oily, which is hell on the filtration system. Our story begins in earnest one night when Cleveland attempts to solve the mystery of the unknown swimmer only to slip, bump his head, and fall into the pool. Waking up in his own apartment he finds that he is alive, and that a young, half-naked woman (Bryce Dallas Howard) with intense eyes is staring at him from across the room.

Almost the first words out of the young woman’s mouth are, “Do you feel an awakening?…Do you feel like pins and needles inside?” ( Groan. ) So much for subtlety. And her name is Story. ( Dear Lord! ) Beyond that she doesn’t say much, because it’s too early in the movie to dispel the “mystery.” The mystery that was completely explained to us in the pre-title animation. The same mystery that we will have explained to us again and again in ever greater detail for the next hour and a half. Nor do we get any comedy or energy as a flustered maintenance man grills his mystery swimmer. What we get is lots of pregnant silences as a woebegone Cleveland promises not to get her in trouble, and she asks to stay with him because she’s scared. Again, with no explanation. (Wasn’t she sent to the world of Man to communicate with us?) And as the plangent string section begins to play the…..scene….just….dies.

Heep & Story hear a scrunt. (Metaphysical fable, or Dr. Suess parody? You be the judge.)

Later that night Cleveland wakes up on the couch with Story innocently cuddling against him. Tormented by his loneliness and desire, he takes her out to the pool deck only to be chased back inside by one of those wolf-like things. (Which we’ll learn later is called a ‘scrunt’.) The next day he’s giving a report to a city official about the incident, so we know that Story is still being mysterious and uncommunicative. As if to compensate, the music starts telling us too much and angelic choral voices manifest themselves on the soundtrack. (Oh goodie!) All the while a frightened and defenseless Story wonders about Cleveland’s ground floor apartment. Its windows look out over the tall, un-mowed grass. Guess what’s hiding in the grass?

The scrunt

Continuing to leave Story unattended, Cleveland then asks a young bikini clad Chinese co-ed what a “narf” is. Why not? Amazingly, she knows, because her grandmother used to tell stories that had narfs in them. Is this co-incidence, or (bum-bum-bummmm) fate? Anyways, the co-ed, along with her comically cantankerous mother, explains that a narf is a sea-nymph. What’s more:

“In the bed-time story, she must be seen by the one human chosen for her. This person is called the vessel. Seeing the narf will awaken something in this chosen one. If she is successful in this, she will return with the great eagle, a giant eagle. And become free.”

OK… At least now I don’t have to feel guilty about putting the movie’s ending in this review.

Back at Cleveland’s apartment Story (God I hate that name) innocently walks around in the nude. Because, sigh , she’s innocent. And being a narf, she must awaken something inside the chosen one. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. (I’m going to pull a Dennis and give a “Note from the future.” The sexual innuendo abruptly disappears after this scene – thank goodness. But why was it in there in the first place if it serves no dramatic function in the story?)

But wait, maybe Cleveland isn’t the chosen one. Story finally loosens up a bit and says she’s searching for a writer, a writer who is working on something important.

So Cleveland obligingly does some detective work around the complex. More warm comic vignettes amongst the vivaciously multi-cultural and charmingly eccentric tenants. More visits with the hot co-ed and her comically cantankerous mother for more details on the narf’s story. Why? Because Story isn’t allowed to explain herself to humans. Why? That’s never explained. (But of course we all know that this is the conceit that allows the movie to run to one hour and 49 minutes. After said hour and 49 minutes a giant eagle will swoop down and carry me away, so that I can be free. I hope.)

Cleveland is successful and he finds The Writer, a young Indian man with lovely brown eyes who is played by none other than writer, producer, director M. Night Shyamalan! Though currently suffering from writer’s block, our young man is working on something called ‘The Cookbook’. “It’s actually just my thoughts on all the cultural problems, and thoughts on leaders and stuff,” he explains. (Wow! I’m working on a book about all the cultural problems too! I’m also writing about leaders and stuff!!! I’m up to page 934, and the next chapter will be called “Integrity and America’s Future: The Threat from Within.”) He then adds modestly, “I don’t know who’s going to want to publish the thing.” (Tell me about it.)

Rushing back to his own apartment, Cleveland finds Story curled up on a chair holding his own secret, private diary. In a tiny, hard to hear little-girl’s voice that gets more and more annoying as the movie goes on, she explains his tragic past. Seems he was a doctor until an intruder murdered his family when he was away from home. (Unanswered question: did he stutter when he was a doctor?) We are spared a flashback to this horrible crime, but the whole thing seems needlessly over the top, and just plain off. Cleveland suffers, we are told by Story, because he feels he has no purpose. Given the nature of his tragedy I would think he’d suffer from a hatred of the human race. Anyways, Story continues and, standing in for God, helpfully tells Cleveland that “all beings have a purpose.” (What’s that?)

Brushing aside this dime-store philosophy comfort, Cleveland brings in The Writer who is “awakened” just by looking at Story. This scene is shot very oddly because The Writer is out of focus, while Cleveland, who is fussing around in the background, is in focus. Weird. But at least Story’s mission to the world of Man has been accomplished and now she can go home and “be free!” Uh oh. There’s still an hour of run time left. Sure enough, something goes wrong and Story is nearly killed by the scrunt. What went wrong?

The Writer (the blurry fellow on the left) receives the “Awakening” he needs to redeem the world, while Heep fishes for some apartment maintenance paperwork in the background.

So it’s back to the hot co-ed and her comically cantankerous mother for yet more briefing on narfs, scrunts, and something else called a tartutic, in addition to the giant eagle. Oh and guess what. Our narf isn’t just a garden variety narf, she’s a“Madam Narf!” This is a very rare Queen narf who only comes once in a thousand generations. It’s because she is so important that the scrunt is willing to break “the rules.” Oh, and there’s more! In addition to narfs, Madam Narfs, scrunts, tartutics, and giant eagles, we have a number of humans who play an important role in protecting the Madam Narf. (Remember, she’s the rare Queen narf who only comes once in a thousand generations!) These humans come in a dazzling array of types, including The Guardian, The Healer, The Symbolist, and a whole group called The Guild. Remember Hillary Clinton’s book, It Takes A Village to Raise a Child? Well, evidently it takes an apartment complex to save a narf. And I mean the WHOLE complex. The whole quirky, vivacious, multi-cultural, yet lost and yearning for purpose complex. (Did I mention that the Tartutics live in trees? I didn’t? Well, they do. FYI.)

But there’s a problem. No one knows who these people are. So Cleveland will have to play house detective again.

Oops, I’m getting ahead of myself, because I didn’t give you Story’s prediction for The Writer’s future. (FYI – narfs can predict the future.) Seems that a little boy who will grow up in the mid-west will one day read The Writer’s book, and “will grow into a great orator. (Here the music swells into a gentle wave of uplifting soulfulness.) He will speak and his words will be heard throughout this land and throughout the world. This boy will become leader of this country and begin a movement of great change. He will speak of you and your words. Your book will be the seed of many of his great thoughts. It will be the seed of change.”

During this great prophecy, The Writer, played by writer, producer, director M. Night Shyamalan looks on with wonder and humility – and my mouth hangs open in amazement. What a fantastic guy! And he’s modest too, for later he tells Story “I’m nobody special.” Oh pshaw Mister, pshaw!

Back to the search for The Guardian, The Healer, The Symbolist, and The Guild. Well, Madam narf herself thinks that Cleveland is the Guardian, so that’s one down. Phew! As for the rest, Cleveland turns to the sour, pinch-mouthed critic for help. Here Shamyalan plays with fire, daring the viewer to apply The Critic’s words to Lady in the Water itself, “There is no originality left in the world, Mr. Heep.” (But you’re wrong Mr. Critic – have you ever heard of a tartutic?) And in looking for The Guild, Cleveland should find a group of people who are always together and have “seemingly irrelevant and tedious dialogue that seems to regurgitate forever.” Ummm, I’m going to walk away from this one.

And I won’t go into all of the convolutions as the plot does loop de loops around itself. Suffice it to say that Mr. Smarty Pants Critic is wrong about who is who, and so Madam Narf is almost killed, again, by the rogue scrunt. If this makes you as angry as it apparently makes writer, producer, director M. Night Shyamalan, who plays The Writer, you will be happy to learn that The Critic is the only one in the movie that the scrunt manages to kill. (Of course, Story also got it wrong when she pegged Cleveland for The Guardian. Turns out he’s really The Healer, because he used to be a doctor, etc. But well, that’s different.)

Anyways, our very large group of charmingly eccentric, and surprisingly pliable heroes finally starts to figure out who is who. And guess what, the Symbolist, the one who can read signs and see the truth, is a kid! A kid with the mystical ability to prophecy from cereal boxes. (!?!) I came close to heaving at this point, for the wise innocent is such a hoary old cliché of American cinema I just can’t take it any more. What was it that The Critic said about originality? And maybe this is the time to reveal another one of Story’s predictions – that The Writer will be assassinated because of his book… Jesus F**king Christ, he’s ANOTHER Christ figure!

All of this leads up to a “climatic”, if shambling, party thrown around the pool on the last night that Story can return to narf world. (I’d like to take a moment here to give some sympathy to all of the fine actors lost at sea in this movie. In addition to Paul Giamatti and Bob Balaban, we have Jeffrey Wright, Bill Irwin, Mary Beth Hurt, and Tovah Feldshuh. We also have newcomer Cindy Cheung as the Chinese babe. She starts out kind of annoying, but ends up beating the odds and gives a winning performance.)

The pool party. Note how the pool likes like a giant eye. Note too how this adds nothing to the story.

The party is meant to confuse the scrunt, but, surprise, our large group of charmingly eccentric heroes still haven’t gotten it right, and Story is again nearly killed by the scrunt. This is the point in the movie where we learn that Cleveland is The Healer, and we have to suffer through the morbid sentimentality of a tear-stained apology to his dead family as he tries to heal Story. (!?!) Ye Gods, it’s just like daytime television. But at least he magically heals Story’s wounds. This is great news because the return of the Madam Narf to the narf world will be taken as a particularly important inspiration for her people. Why? I have no idea. Story has the narf gift for predicting the future, but has otherwise exhibited no outstanding qualities whatsoever. When she isn’t fumbling about mistaking people for what they are not, she is a passive damsel in distress.

Oh well, let’s just cut to the chase where the eagle flies down and carries her away to narf world. The scrunt, meanwhile, is dragged off into the trees by the 3 tartutics. For the tartutics are evil and vicious, but uphold justice (?!?) They are also woefully behind the curve, for they only show up after our motley band of heroes learn to effectively guard Madam Narf….. are they a stand-in for the CIA? Oh, never mind.

Sean Ledden (Dec 2009)

How many tartutics does it take to lick a scrunt? (Answer: Don’t be disgusting!)

Read more about Lady in the Water at

Written and Directed by Neill Blomkamp

Run Time: 112 minutes

Tagline: You are not welcome here

Peter Jackson’s latest production District 9 is an wonderfully ironic look at man’s inhumanity to man, and man’s inhumanity to inhumanity.

Basically: What if alien refugees sort of, well, parked their spaceship at our planet and couldn’t leave? Yes, we’d toss them into a ghetto and treat them like we treat everybody else we deem “unworthy”: as subhumans.

It turns out that 20 years ago an alien ship came to rest floating above Johannesburg, South Africa. After defying all attempts at contact, the South Africans cut into the ship to find a mass of sick, confused, and now homeless, aliens. In an initial fit of kindness, humans shuttle the aliens down to Earth and place them into a containment area in order to nurse them back to health and more importantly, figure out what the hell to do with them.

Fast forward 20 years later.

The alien camp is now a gigantic, crime-ridden ghetto where our interstellar visitors, now derogatorily referred to as “Prawns” because of their shrimp-like face, scrounge through garbage heaps, deal in black market weapons, and spend their days hopelessly meandering through their refugee camp scouring for their favorite sustenance: cat food. (!)

Enter Wikus Van De Merwe, a clueless, cruel, middle-level bureaucrat who is placed in charge of a massive Prawn relocation project by his big-wig father-in-law. In order to exert his new-found (and undeserved) authority, Wikus tags along with some of the “grunts” on the day of the relocation of over 1 million Prawn refugees from their ghetto outside of the city to a “safe” and “Prawn friendly” camp nearly 200 miles away.

Needless to say, things go a bit awry and Wikus is exposed to a fluid that a Prawn scientist has been secretly working on for the last 2 decades. As the time progresses, Wikus becomes ill and after a day or so winds up in a hospital where doctors discover that his hand has mutated into a Prawn claw. Seeing an obvious military use, Wikus is bagged up and whisked away to a secret military research center where he is put through a series of brutal tests with no regard for his well-being. (“We’re performing the test without anesthetic,” a doctor gloats while Wikus screams as they cut into his arm with a power drill, “because we don’t know how it will react with the alien DNA.” Nice.)

The main motivation behind the experimentation is, duh, military. It turns out that all of the Prawn’s advanced weapons that were scavenged from their ship will function only if held by a creature with Prawn DNA. Sort of a genetic safety switch. When the sp00ks finally force Wikus to fire some of the weapons
(first at dead pigs, then at live, helpless Prawn prisoners), they realize they have a potential goldmine, and quickly strap Wikus down for immediate vivisection.

Obviously, Wikus manages to escape (or else the movie would be over, right?) and flees to the Prawn ghetto where he takes refuge in, ta da!, the same ramshackle shelter where the black, DNA-mutating goop was spilled on him in the first place. The Prawn scientist who resides in the hut explains that the fluid was in fact fuel that he was planning on using to return to the mother ship so he and his son could skidaddle back to their home planet and eventually save the rest of the Prawns. (Exactly how the Prawn was going to rescue his oppressed, er people, is not clear…most likely come back with a fleet of ships and whip our mother-loving asses.)

The upside for Wikus is that the Prawns could in fact reverse Wikus’s ever-accelerating transformation into an alien.

The downside is that it will take about, oh, 3 years for the Prawn to get back to the home planet, get the necessary medicines, and return to Earth to fix Wikus. Oh, and the state security forces, MNU, have confiscated the only vial of alien-fuel on the planet and has secured it deep inside Evil MNU headquarters. Crap.

To make a long story short, Wikus manages to steal some Prawn weapons from a local band of vicious, black-market Nigerian hoods so that he and his Prawn buddy can make a desperate effort to break into MNU headquarters, retrieve the fuel, escape back to the ghetto, and get the Prawn back to his planet. Naturally, this lengthy action sequence includes a lot of cool Prawn weapons turning humans into what looks like cans of exploding stewed tomatoes.

Anyway, after some pretty cool action scenes, the Prawn makes it back to the mother ship and takes off into outer space. Wikus, seriously wounded after fighting with MNU forces, crawls off into the ghetto where he’s never seen again…or is he?

Will the Prawns come back? When? And the big question is: If they do come back, are they going to treat us as badly as we treated them?

Read more about District 9 at

By Sean Ledden

War of the Worlds – or – quality time with the kids

And now, regrettably, we come back full-circle to Monsieur Spielberg. Remember how I complained in Close Encounters of the Third Kind of our long immersion into Neary household trauma? Well, now that stuff’s the entire movie! In a weird, Bizarro World sort of way, for everything is now reversed. In Close Encounters a visit by benign aliens destroys the Neary family. But in this 2005 remake of the H.G. Wells classic, evil invading aliens inspire the healing of the Ferrier family. I guess there’s nothing like the end of the world to help you reconnect with annoying teens and hysterical children. And gosh, isn’t that what it’s all about?

True, there’s a lot of post- 9/11 political subtext, and I give the filmmakers credit for trying, but even that isn’t Topic A. Like Contact and Mission to Mars, Spielberg’s War of the Worlds tries to make sci-fi relevant by making it (gag) personal. The real subject isn’t an alien invasion of planet earth, but the stress a “typical” (meaning dysfunctional) American family undergoes when confronted with danger. From start to finish we’re handcuffed to self-absorbed “everyman” Tom Cruise, his bratty teenage son and traumatized daughter, as they scream, run, and hide from various forms of alien peril – often fighting amongst themselves as they do so. Imagine being locked in a car with an arguing family from New York to California and you get the picture. On the plus side, there’s lots of sweaty exercise thrown in, as Cruise gets a killer workout carrying poor little Dakota Fanning over 167 miles of open country. Just watching him made my lower back hurt.

THE PLOT:

Our story begins in New Jersey, (probably a reference to Orson Welle’s famous radio adaptation, which also took place there) where dockworker and generic man-boy Ray Ferrier (Tom Cruise – super intense as ever) is having a tough time dealing with “life issues.” First, his surprisingly elegant ex-wife is now with a prosperous WASPY kind of Prince Charming, which makes him feel threatened and insecure. Then there’s his sullen, angst-filled teenage son Robbie (Justin Chatwin), who makes him feel threatened and insecure. Finally, there’s his “wise beyond her years” daughter Rachel (Dakota Fanning), who makes him feel threatened and insecure. And as if that weren’t enough, it’s the weekend he’s stuck with the kids that the aliens choose to invade. This makes him feel – threatened and insecure. – Who wants to bet me the movie doesn’t end with him hugging his kids?

To their credit, Spielberg and writers Josh Friedmand and David Koepp get the set-up over with pretty quickly, and 14 minutes into the movie we get two big set pieces of the kind Spielberg excels in. First is a weird, stormy cloud formation that sends down strange lightening. Then it’s a dynamite showstopper as a giant alien war machine heaves itself out from under the ground. (Here I’d like to note the cool use of sound effects as we hear the machine gear up. And John William’s score, a kind of Machine March of Doom, is also very effective.) After incinerating scores of innocent by-standers the giant alien tripod lumbers off, as does the best part of the movie.

The very cool alien war machine.

Then it’s, gulp, into the car with Tom and the kids. (“No, no!” I scream, but when I lunge for the doors they’re locked. Robbie’s up in the front seat, seething with pent up resentment and pretending he doesn’t hear my frantic efforts to escape. Rachel’s in the seat beside me, eyes bugging out, and it looks like she’s getting ready to scream. Outside an alien death ray is blowing up the Bayonne Bridge, but I make another frantic effort to open the doors…)

Viewers who have been following the movie closely will realize that every car in the world has been knocked out by an electro-magnetic something-or-other from the aliens. Yet this car works. Because “everyman” Ray is our star and he figured out how to fix them. So he told his buddy the mechanic, who fixed the one Ray just jumped into. Great! Only Mr. Mechanic, bizarrely unaware that the world is ending around him, insists that Ray get out of the car because it doesn’t belong to him. And thus we come to the first MORAL CRISIS this movie throws at our distressed family. Like every MORAL CRISIS to come, this one is drawn out and rammed down our throats with a kitchen plunger. Will Ray steal the car? – Would I? Let me see, a 200-foot tall alien war machine is killing everyone with a death ray, and the only chance of escape is someone else’s car. Someone who isn’t there. It’s a no-brainer. The answer is Yes! – But the movie treats this like the temptation of Christ!

Back to Mr. Mechanic who, as I said, isn’t aware of the fleeing extras in the background, or the buildings blowing up down the street. Why doesn’t Ray just explain that they are all in danger and tell the idiot to jump in? Isn’t Mr. Mechanic worth saving along with the kids?….I guess not, and he is disintegrated a second after Ray pulls away. – You know, I want to reward movies that raise difficult ethical questions, but the set up is all-important. Are we really looking at an agonizing moral choice, or an easy chance for some cheap melodrama? … Well, let’s just move on. Speaking of moving, wouldn’t a working car attract the attention of the alien tripods?

Answer – not if it’s driven by a star! And so onto a New Jersey highway clogged with stalled cars and refugees. Oh, I do want to stop and compliment Dakota Fanning’s portrayal of a little girl freaking out from fear – she’s great. The only trouble is, that’s all she has to do for the rest of the movie – panic and be rescued by dad – who, sigh, realizes how important a parent’s responsibility is to his child – once the world is being destroyed by invading aliens. Awwwww. Who says every cloud doesn’t have a silver lining?

Justin Chatwin also does a good job with Robbie. So good that there’s rarely a scene he appears in that I didn’t want to slap him. His role is to be an aggravating, sulking weight around his intensely insecure dad’s neck. No wait, there is that time he leaps up onto a ferry ramp and rescues some people – causing Ray to look on with wonder and pride. It took a world-ending alien invasion to do it, but now he realizes his son isn’t a complete asshole. Awwww. That is, until Robbie abandons his sister and father to run over a ridge because he just has to see the army attack the war machines – and thereby gets himself all blowed up in a huge fireball. Welcome to another CRISIS POINT. Here too, the scene where Robbie tells his frantic dad he just has to “see this,” while sis is off sobbing by a nearby tree, and some friendly strangers start to drag her off, because they think she’s an orphan, is really, really, really drawn out. Honestly, it’s a relief when Robbie gets himself all blowed up. At least we don’t have to watch him sulk anymore, and dad can now concentrate on Rachael.

The alien attack on a Ferryboat begins.

Except that Robbie is immediately replaced by another emotionally unstable male – Tim Robbins giving a tour-de-force performance as Harlan Ogilvy, a crazed, gun-wielding survivalist-type who’s holed up in a basement. And so, after the forced march through an increasingly desolate countryside with possibly the most annoying father-son combo of all time, we’re now locked in a confined space with the ever-intense Ray, the aggravatingly hysterical Ogilvy, and traumatized daughter Rachael. Great.

We’re stuck down in the dark, cluttered basement for a pretty long time. This gives Spielberg the chance to dazzle with another set piece, this one a cat and mouse game as first a robotic tentacle loaded with sensors, and then some of the aliens themselves, come down to investigate the basement. It’s beautifully staged and edited, but the aliens themselves prove to be a problem. First, their look is very creepy – but haven’t we seen them before? More on that later. Second, they aren’t intelligent alien beings, but demons from a nightmare. Demons without a spoken language – or clothing for that matter. (Trivia note: My guess is that the CGI animators based the movements and body language of the aliens on baboons.)

The creepy, strangely familiar aliens

Throughout all of this Ogilvy becomes more and more hysterically nutty, to the point where he is endangering everyone’s safety. The icing on the cake is an icky little scene that suggests he might put the moves on little Rachael – and the dank allusion to child abuse fits in perfectly with the punishingly bleak atmosphere of the entire movie. This leads us to a high point of sorts, the ultimate MORAL CRISIS. Unable to think of an alternative, like knocking Ogilvy out, tying him up and then gagging him, Ray murders the man in the presence of his daughter…Just remember people, thinking won’t get you out of trouble, violence will. – No matter what those namby-pamby liberal elitists might try to tell you.

Now that he’s a murderer Ray drifts off into a peaceful nap with the little daughter he just saved. Only she gets spooked, runs outside and gets captured by an alien war machine. Oh well, I’m sure that Ogilvy had it coming to him anyways. And, not that I care, Ray runs out screaming and hurls a grenade he happened to find lying on the ground at the machine. A super high tech energy shield protects the aliens from the grenade, but not alas, from their own stupidity. For they capture Ray, a man they know to be armed with high explosives, and dump him into a big basket thingee attached to the outside of the war machine. It’s filled with all sorts of people who are periodically drawn into the war machine itself – there to be drained of their blood. (Insert Boris Karloff-style laughter here.) But Ray manages to get a live grenade into the machine, causing it to get all blowed up. And the audience cheers as the little guy finally hits back! Oh, and the captive people aren’t killed because everyone falls into a convenient tree. Just like a cartoon! Whatever. I look at my watch and wonder how much more time I have to spend with the murderer and his progeny.

Not that much! We’re almost to Boston, where Rachel’s mom should be. Once there Ray and Rachael, along with a horde of extras, discover that the machines are wondering around aimlessly or falling down. The aliens, it turns out, are dead – killed by earth bacteria they didn’t know to protect themselves from. Phew!

Now we come to the big, moist finale that’s full of (oh God, not again!) “uplift.” Ray and Rachael finally make it to the elegantly upscale and untouched townhouse of his ex-wife’s parents. (Not only did their block escape any kind of damage, but the house even has electricity!) Mom, her parents, and the WASP prince are untouched too, and we get Big Hug Scene Number One as mom and daughter cling to one another. Big Hug Scene Number Two comes a moment later when, in an utterly unbelievable and barf-inducing miracle, Robby shows up alive as well. As they cling to one another Tom Cruise gives the kid one of his super intense looks that either means a) he loves him, b) he wants to kill him, or c) both. It’s the only scary element to pop out as the movie sinks into a swamp of saccharine artifice.

As if the fires weren’t bad enough, Boston is now littered with alien war tripods too!

Fortunately, Cruise’s ex-in-laws still look FABULOUS! (Speaking of fabulous, Grandma and Grandpa are played by none other than Ann Robinson and Gene Barry – stars of the 1953 version… They don’t have single line of dialogue.)

Read more about War of the Worlds at

If you’re as depressed as I am after this feast of sour despair topped with saccharine uplift, I think you’ll agree that we need a pick-me-up and some genuine fun. And that can be had with a (gasp) big-budget American remake of War of the Worlds. Hold on to your hats, it’s Independence Day!

Independence Day? Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day?? Yup. Believe me, I’m not a groupie. Stargate was a hackneyed mess that left me frustrated and bored, and Godzilla was a perversely, enragingly incompetent fiasco – but Independence Day is a big B-Movie blast with one great shining virtue; it’s a terrifying alien invasion movie that’s about, get this, a terrifying alien invasion! And before you throw a shoe at my head let me explain.

Warships Away!

Independence Day hits the ground running with the arrival of a gigantic spaceship that has one quarter the mass of the moon. Soon dozens of saucer shaped ships, each 14 miles in diameter, detach themselves from the Mothership and descend into the atmosphere to hover menacingly, and spectacularly, over the cities of mankind. This sets off a large and varied cast of characters led by fighter pilots (Will Smith & Harry Connick Jr.), ex-fighter pilots who are now drunken crop dusters (Randy Quaid), and ex-fighter pilots who are now president of the United States (Bill Pullman). Joining the fighter pilots, both current and ex, is a delightfully old-school assortment of eggheads, soldiers, and politicians all scrambling to react. But that’s not all. We also get ditzy strippers, gay cable executives, and an adorable Golden Lab Retriever as well. (Guess which one escapes the alien fireball!)

Once genius scientist guy David Levinson (Jeff Goldbum) figures out that the aliens have set off a count down that in 12 hours will result in “checkmate,” he races off to Washington to sound the alarm. His warning comes in time to save the president and Air Force One, but it doesn’t prevent the destruction of New York, Washington, and L.A. in one of the best pulp spectacles to come out of Hollywood. It’s the “wow” moment that won Independence Day the 1996 Oscar for special effects.

Is mankind going to take such villainy sitting down? Of course not, and the Air Force launches a huge counter attack. But the courage and the missiles of the pilots are to no avail because of those ever-present high tech energy shields that invading aliens always seem to have. The sneaky, cowardly fiends! This utter failure seems to herald the end of mankind, until an old government secret, one that everybody’s heard about, presents a new hope. Air Force One then races to the fabled “Area 51” and a certain secret something that’s been under study there for 50 or so years. Once inside we discover that Area 51 looks like the ultra-cool headquarters of a James Bond super-villain. Just like we always knew it would. Yeah! Even more satisfyingly, once there everybody focuses on the invaders, and not their long dead fathers, ex-wives, or troubled children. Good gracious!

So a weather balloon crashed near Roswell? Yeah, right.

Amazingly, this focus on the problem at hand actually brings results, and brilliant science guy David comes up with an idea! It’s a one in a million shot – but it’s just crazy enough that it might work. Only, it requires a probably suicidal mission into the gigantic heart of the invading Mothership itself…

The evil mothership lurks in orbit above the earth.

Read more about Independence Day at

MONSTER SHACK EXTRA SPECIAL PHOTO BONUS
Now I remember where I saw the aliens from War of the Worlds before!

Independence Day Alien

War of the Worlds Aliens

by Sean Ledden

Mission to MUSH (OOPS, I mean MARS)

Mission to Mars came out in 2000, and unlike Contact, it avoids the God question entirely. This should be refreshing, but unfortunately it is so besotted with sex and romance it doesn’t have another idea in its pretty little head. Directed by Brian de Palma, who’s made some really fun stuff like Carrie, it does have a number of virtues. It has a good cast, a first-rate production design by Ed Verreaux, and excellent visual effects produced by armies of technicians at Dream Quest Images, ILM, and Tippett Studios. Unlike so many recent big budget movies, it isn’t plagued by A.D.D.-style editing. To his credit de Palma lets the camera linger so you can actually feel like your up in a space station, or on the surface of Mars. The movie also boasts a gorgeous score by the Great and Wonderful Ennio Morricone. Unfortunately, it’s a dirge from start to finish. (That’s what they asked for, and that’s what Ennio gave’um!) So in that frame of mind I suppose it’s time to view the body.

Mission to Mars gets it wrong right from its endless beginning at a Houston barbecue in which a bunch of NASA astronauts talk, and talk, and talk, about – what? Space, or their mission, or God forbid science? Nope, they talk about themselves. And thus about sex.

Woody (Tim Robbins) gloats over a future mission with his wife Terri (Connie Nielsen) “under his command.” Chuckle, chuckle. A nameless, and bitter woman complains that both Woody and Terri will be on that mission (doing you know what!), while a nameless stud puts the moves on various babes with the “I’ll be off in space for over a year” line. (It’s kind of complicated, but evidently there’s a 4-person mission that’s just about to launch off, and a future 4-person mission in the works.) Then party host Luke (Don Cheadle), who’s in the upcoming mission, tries to comfort his worried son, while Luke’s wife Debra tries to cheer up Jim (Gary Sinise), who’s depressed about his dead wife. You see, it was supposed to be Jim and his dead wife going up in Luke’s mission. But she’s dead now, and he’s depressed – so they’re not. (Jim is to Mission to Mars what Ellie was to Contact – the miserable center.) Then after the party, Woody and Luke try to cheer up the still depressed Jim over beers and male-bonding. Then Jim teases Woody about a little Flash Gordon rocket necklace he wears, and – are you as bored by all this as I am? Something to think about is that these two rambling, inconsequential scenes take up an entire 10 minutes of screen time. It’s incredible.

Then suddenly, after Sad Jim plants a Neal Armstrong-esque footprint in the dirt of Luke’s backyard we cut to Mars … So – successfully landing the first manned-mission on Mars is less interesting than a backyard barbecue??? – DePalma & crew think so, and Ennio’s sad, lovely music turns what should be a thrilling triumph into a wistful scene of regret and lost opportunity. I’d yell “What the #&$^$^$&#&!” at this point, only I’m too depressed. Anyways, it’s here that mission leader Luke and his crew discover a mountain with some mysterious properties. Aiming radar sensors at it they unleash a marvelously realized dust storm that’s half sandworm and half tornado. It promptly destroys the Mars mission, and when things calm down we see that the mysterious mountain is in fact a giant sculpture of an alien face looking up into the sky.

The very nifty "Sandworm Sandstorm"

Back on the “World Space Station,” we get the first of many, and inevitable allusions to Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Obyssey – which is the space station itself. Nifty! Later we get a beautiful tracking shot of astronauts walking and working all around a space wheel, and even the computer voice in the Mars Mission spaceship sounds a little like someone whose name begins with “H.” Every one of these “hommages” is beautifully done on a technical level, but De Palma & crew were ill advised here. All they do is remind of you a much, much better movie. (Hommages aside, they don’t appear to understand what made it a great movie.)

Anyways, back to our (sigh) story, where Woody and Sad Jim fight the brass to launch a rescue mission in case Luke is still alive. This is an important point. Nobody earthside knows about the alien face, so there’s no “call to adventure” in this mission at all. What passes for drama here is Woody’s argument that Sad Jim should come along on the rescue mission – even though he’s a hollow-eyed zombie of grief. The tough but fair brass gives in, of course.

And now we know why we skipped the first trip to Mars – it’s so we can enjoy seeing married couple Woody and Terri treat the rescue mission like a second honeymoon. They flirt, make-out, and dance in front of horny single guy Phil (Jerry O’Connell) and still grieving widower Jim. Woody and Terri are supposed to be two great people, but their cruelly obtuse behavior makes them come off like a couple of spoiled high school kids who can’t wait to show off how happy they are in front of their less fortunate friends. You know what? I’m with that bitter nameless woman back at the barbecue.

Woody & Terri enjoy the trip to Mars

Sad Jim enjoys seeing Woody & Terri enjoy the trip to Mars.

Horny single guy Phil enjoys peeking up at Terri’s derriere

Turning the rescue mission into a (frankly unbelievable) romantic idyll deflates all dramatic tension from the movie. It was concern for Luke that launched this incredibly expensive mission, but once en-route the crew forgets about him. I’ve already covered Woody and Terri, but the others are just as bad. Phil spends his time building a model of the DNA for his “ideal woman” with floating, zero-gravity M & M’s. -Oh br-ruh-ther. But hey, sex and product placement in one scene, talk about a money shot! Sad Jim, meanwhile, mopes in his room watching painfully phony and sentimental home videos of his dead wife. Usually I’m very sympathetic to grieving widows and widowers, but dear God! I get it. He’s sad his wife died. I get it!!!

Alas, everyone is ripped away from his or her self-absorption by the approach to Mars. Sad for them, but good for the audience, because we finally get some action. In a clever variation on the classic danger suffered by every 1950’s spaceship, we get a barrage of “micro-meteors.” They come as a complete surprise when Phil’s hand is punctured by a small projectile that comes out of nowhere. OK, so it’s a steal from a famous scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s The Man Who Knew Too Much (1934 version), but at least it’s a well-done steal. The tiny menaces wreak such harm that the crew must abandon ship and space walk to the safety of an earlier space probe that is still orbiting Mars. This is the movie’s best and most terrifying image – the 4 tiny astronauts “walking” miles above the red surface of Mars – watch this on a big screen and you might get vertigo. Oh, and everyone makes it to the probe but Woody. Who has a long, anguished, and very long death scene. Which is very long. And anguished. And long.

The best shot in the movie

Once on the surface we find that Luke is indeed still alive. Surprise! Unfortunately, he’s also slightly insane. So now we have to wait around while the rescue crew talks him back to realty. Finally, almost as an after-thought we return to the astounding discovery of an extra-terrestrial intelligence. Amazingly, our crew of narcissists is kind of interested in this. And what has been a tediously slow journey so far suddenly becomes a miracle of brevity, and the mystery of the alien face is solved in a few short minutes of dialogue. Seems that the mysterious sounds that came out of it during the sandworm storm spell out the code for a very human-like DNA. Sad Jim, inspired by Phil’s M & M’s (product placement!) intuits that this is a test. They then “fix” the DNA code to make it completely human and beam it at the face – and a door opens.

Everyone is very ambivalent about following this up except Sad Jim, who suddenly and miraculously morphs into an adventurous hero. Up to this point he’s only been one part of an ensemble cast, and one who’s shown no interest in anything but his sad memories. But now he firmly declares, “I haven’t come 10 million miles just to turn around at the last 10 feet.” Huh? He came to rescue his friend Luke, which they’ve done. So what’s he talking about?

On never mind. Once inside an admittedly neat hologram room Sad Jim, Sad Terri (remember, she’s just lost a husband) and Sad Luke (he’s sad that his friends are sad) learn the sad fate of ancient Mars. A giant meteor strike turned it into a dead world and a hologram of a tall, graceful Martian steps forward and sheds a tear. Sad Jim and Sad Martian look soulfully at each other and bond: like a puppy with his new master. The hologram lesson continues and we learn that a fleet of Martian ships fled their dying world and traveled to….no, not earth, but to a distant galaxy. A distant galaxy? But – oh never mind, for wait. One ship does go to neighboring earth. And there it….seeds it with Martian DNA? Yes. And thus we get the Cambrian Explosion of complex life that occurred some 530 million years ago. Why didn’t the Martians just colonize earth?… Oh never mind, the nifty hologram lesson isn’t finished yet, and it runs a pretty, if simplified movie showing earth’s evolution up to the appearance of mankind. How does the ancient Martian hologram know just how life evolved on earth?…Oh, never mind.

Sad Martian

Well, that was certainly informative. Our astronauts accept it all with the same amount of shock and wonder they’d experience watching a morning news report that butter doesn’t raise one’s cholesterol levels as much as doctors once thought.

And now it’s time for everyone to go home, except for Sad Jim the Explorer. He intuits that a 530 million year old space ship will soon appear to ferry him to that distant galaxy to which the Martians fled. And it does! Interestingly, it has room for exactly one human being. Given this movie’s obsession with sex and marriage, I’m very surprised it isn’t built to accommodate a breeding pair. And now that Sad Terri is single again she’s just as free to go to Martian Valhalla as Sad Jim. But she doesn’t because, I don’t know…widows still belong to their dead husbands? Only men can advance to a higher plane of existence?… Oh never mind. At least Sad Jim’s departure gives us one more chance to wallow in all the pointless tedium of the last 90 minutes as he experiences a rapturous flash-back that culminates with his wife’s face at their wedding ceremony. And the point of that would be?….Oh, never mind. (Writing this it just occurs to me that an interesting climax to the flash-back would be to fade from the dead wife’s face to the Sad Martian’s face. Oh, maybe not. That wouldn’t be nice.)

Sean Ledden (Jan 2009)

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Produced by J. J. Abrams

Tagline: “Some Thing Has Found Us”

A guest review by stalwart contributor Sean Ledden

Most of the movies ridiculed, I mean critiqued, at the Monster Shack are prehistoric artifacts from a murky past. Born from the swampy fringes of a by-gone Hollywood, they lumbered across the land seeking to thrill and terrify a kinder, gentler, and sillier time. But what about the big budget spawn of today’s enlightened Hollywood ? Is it fair to ignore them just because they don’t have cardboard sets, rubber monsters or an overweening fear of communism? My answer is no. And so here, with the kind permission of Web Meister Dennis], comes a review as current and up-to-date as anything you’ll see on the E! Channel! (And a good deal more caustic and bitter to boot!)

In describing his inspiration for creating “Cloverfield,” producer J.J. Abrams tells of visiting a toy store in Japan and being impressed with Godzilla’s long-running popularity. He’s quoted as saying “we need our own (American) monster, and not like King Kong….King Kong is adorable.” I like Abrams for this, and it’s interesting how his statement confirms the utter failure of the 1998 American “Godzilla.” Abram’s creation is certainly better than the Emmerich/Devlin horror, and after seeing the very clever poster before it’s release I had high hopes. Unfortunately, it’s ultimately a failure as a monster movie.

A central problem is that Cloverfield isn’t really a monster movie, but a very generic love story between two “ordinary people” that’s interrupted by a giant monster attack. “Ordinary people” in this context means a pair of beautiful 20-something Manhattan Yuppies who like to video tape themselves constantly. This leads to the 2^nd major problem, at least for this viewer – the entire film is a shaky, hand-held “home movie.” Much as I love giant monster movies I waited until this picture came out on DVD to see it. I made a wise choice. Seeing it on the big screen without the ability to hit “pause” would have given me a terrible migraine.

Regarding the monster itself – neat! And several scenes of havoc when it is nearby are well-staged. However, it’s rarely clearly visible. And since you learn nothing about it, watching the movie becomes a curiously hollow experience. I’ll say more about that after a quick sprint through the plot – such as it is.

The Plot

As the movie opens, official looking writing tells us we’re about to see video recovered from a camera found in Central Park. The first portion of this video shows our hero, I’ll call him “Boy,” and his girlfriend, I’ll call her “Girl,” burbling romantic nothings to each other in the bedroom of her killer apartment overlooking Central Park. (FAST FORWARD BUTTON)

Now we’re getting ready for a party at Boy’s apartment with some other beautiful 20-something Manhattan Yuppies. It’s here we meet, sort of, the spastic doofus who’ll serve as our “voice-off” narrator and cameraman. He’s very good at jerking the camera around, failing to focus on what’s in the frame, and asking stupid questions. And so, despite being oh so up-to-date, Cloverfield shows it’s traditional colors by introducing the “Odious Comic Relief.” Wait, that’s not quite fair. Cloverfield does come up with a radical 21^st Century innovation – THE ODIOUS COMIC-RELIEF SHOOTS THE ENTIRE MOVIE! (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

Then we’re at the party itself, where more beautiful 20-something Manhattan Yuppies say cute things to the camera. (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

Boy joins the party (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

Girl joins the party, with a date. (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

Feelings are hurt (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

Girl leaves (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

FINALLY, the lights go off and something interesting starts to happen. No, not an orgy, but a giant monster attack! After seeing a huge explosion from the rooftop, panic – and movie excitement – break out as people flee down to the streets just in time to see nearby buildings collapse, giant shapes move about in the shadows, and the head of the Statue of Liberty crash down out of the sky. Great stuff. – when you can see it. And after a brief stint hiding out in a deli, Boy, Camera Doofus, and a number of party-refugees emerge into a changed world. It’s an urban nightmare taken from the images of 9/11. Everything is coated in dust, debris covers the streets, and countless sheets of paper twirl about in the murky air.

Panic breaks out on the streets as the monster attacks.

Escape seems the order of the day, and our intrepid band, along with a goodly number of extras, make for the Brooklyn Bridge, and the safety of, well…Brooklyn. Along the way there’s lots of authentically hysterical yabbering by all involved. (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

Panic breaks out on the bridge as the monster attacks.

Once on the bridge we get a shaky and too-brief glimpse of a burning oil tanker rammed up onto the shore, as well as a brief glimpse of the headless Statue of Liberty. (This movie too often provides teasers instead of spectacle.) Then Boy gets a cell phone call from Girl. Apparently she’s trapped in her killer apartment, (Oh the irony!) but this important conversation is interrupted by a monster attack on the bridge, and so the movie becomes exciting again. Briefly. (Speaking more about teasers, we still don’t see what the monster looks like – just a tentacle like limb. This “dance of the 7 veils” will continue for the entire movie as each time our crew crosses paths with the creature we see a little bit more of it. Only in the final minutes of the film do we see the beast entire. And while each encounter is itself exciting, there isn’t enough pay-off at the end to really bring the whole thing off.)

The Army fights back!

A direct hit!

Having fled the bridge along with the remaining party survivors, Boy tells everyone he has to rescue Girl. And so, after more hysterical yabbering and shaky camera work, everyone heads up towards Girl’s apartment – and the monster (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

The rest of the movie is more of the same. Lot’s of walking, lots of puffing up and down stairs, lots of skulking, and lots of shouted “We’ve got to get out of here!” All interrupted by exciting, if brief, near encounters with the monster. Honorable mention goes to the creepy dog-sized parasites that, having been shaken loose from the monster’s skin, scuttle about and attack people. A not so honorable mention goes to the various episodes where the camera is dropped, raising our hopes that Camera Doofus, and perhaps more of the rescue party, are dead. Alas, like cartoon characters, most of them bounce back from traumas and injuries that would kill most “ordinary people.” To give just one example, Girl is found in her trashed apartment with a big spike driven into her shoulder. Our rescue party pulls it out – off camera, thank God – and moments later she’s running, in heels, to catch a military helicopter. Now that’s realism!

The monster rages through mid-town.

Having suffered in the company of these “ordinary people” for what seems an eternity, even with the Fast Forward Button, our pay-off is a 5-second shot, taken from the helicopter window, of the monster being bombed by the Air Force. It’s a terrific shot. A terrific 5-second shot. Then the helicopter crashes and the camera is dropped. (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

Dammit. Boy, Girl and Camera Doofus have all survived the helicopter crash. (See what I mean?) But at least we get a close-up of the monster towering over Camera Doofus in the early morning light of a trashed Central Park. Again, cool monster design. And yes! He eats Camera Doofus! Sort of. To the thrilling sounds of CRUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH, CRUNCH the camera spins around wildly before (again) dropping to the ground. Then a surprisingly uneaten Camera Doofus drops to the ground too. Being dead he can no longer shout “There’s some serious shit going on outside!” “Are you seeing this Shit?” or “Go! Go! Go!”

The monster looms over a terrified Camera Doofus.

The monster leaves and, oh God, Boy and Girl are still alive. They’re picking up the camera. (FAST FORWARD BUTTON.)

The End

Sean Ledden (May 2008)

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Separated at birth?

Cloverfield monster

The Giant Claw

YOU make the call!

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Directed by Roger Christian

Written by L. Ron Hubbard, Corey Mandell, J.D. Shapiro

Tagline: “Prepare For Battle”

Run Time: 119 minutes

Review by Karl Hoegle

This “movie” starts out with exciting slime green lettering informing us that it is now the year 3000, and Earth has been ruled for the past 1,000 years by a race of aliens known as the Psychlos. They came here and defeated the armies of Earth in less than 15 minutes, as they are just so advanced, don’t ya know? They need heavy metal for their economy, and so enslaved mankind while they mine ore and teleport it back to their home planet via an industrial sized transporter.

Right off the bat I have a problem with this, as we of Earth have huge amounts of heavy metals making up the skeletons of our skyscrapers, easily taken apart and cut into transportable pieces. Also, the Psychlos obviously have space flight, so why not mine the asteroid belt? It would be much easier to get at valuable mineral deposits and to pick and choose which types of metal you want to extract.

Anywhoo, Man is now an endangered species (according to whom?) and dresses in furs and other animal skins. A tribe of humans live in the hills of what was once Colorado and Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Our Hero, Barry Pepper!) is off trying to find medicine to save his ailing father. He returns upon horseback with a small pouch of herbs, and races to save his dying dad. A beautiful woman clad in furs informs us that his father was “Taken by the Gods at night” and he is too late. Johnny puffs out his scrawny chest and yells “NO!” and flings the rare, valuable medicinal herbs away; presumably as they have little shelf life and no one else will need them in the near future. Or he is just an idiot.

Later on, inside their cave with no less than 5 open pit fires (I hope they know a little about ventilation!) Johnny begs the tribal elder to allow the group to leave the caves and migrate to where there is more food. (Note: No one seems thin, and all the fur clad extras on the set are busy preparing food at various times during Johnny’s tirade). The elder says no, they must stay to please the Gods above who will come and wipe out the Psychlos and return Man to his former selfish glory.

Our Hero leaves this cavernous paradise, and Chrissy (formerly known as the beautiful woman clad in furs) wants to join him. He tells her no. Our Hero gallops off into the sunset (an odd time of day to start his quest, but what the hey.) He gets about 50 feet and is attacked by an immobile, unmoving fiberglass dinosaur that looks just like the scary cave drawing that terrifies the tribe. His groping hand finds a metal golf club that he uses to smash a few good licks to this terrifying beast, and he realizes that this is what his people are so afraid of and laughs. He is in a mini golf park that is 1,000 years old and the fiberglass constructs are still intact and painted. Instead of going back and bringing the tribe to see this and exposing their silly fear, he goes on, keeping the 1,000 year old golf club as a weapon. (It must be good, it laid in an open field exposed to the elements for 1,000 years and didn’t get as much as a speck of rust.

He then meets two brigands who he befriends with offers of extra food (I thought that food was scarce?) and they go to a long deserted mall to become good friends, exchanging a piece of glass that they think is magic for their supper. This dinner is interrupted by a being wearing a leather trench coat walking on concealed stilts, wielding an odd gun. He shoots them, and Johnny’s horse for good measure. At times the beam disintegrates what it hits, and at other times it only stuns people. The Psychlo alien in its first appearance, ladies and gentlemen! He drags them out to his ship, and departs for the alien stronghold. The alien lands inside a huge glass dome, and alien air is pumped into the landing bay. The humans choke on this, and an alien comes and gives them a nose pinching device that converts their air into something breathable to humans.

This was once Denver, and as soon as the door to the cage opens our Hero Johnny makes a run for it, grabs a guards’ gun, and shoots him. He then drops said gun, and runs yet again, only to be snatched up by Ker (Forest Whitaker) and Terl (John Travolta) who carry him one armed back to the landing area to demand an explanation as to why the Man Animal is running loose. The guards seem pretty calm, seeing as how this animal killed their buddy with ease, and now the chief of security is there demanding to know why they didn’t run after it and catch it. Instead of telling the truth (They are walking on concealed stilts and it is excruciating to walk anywhere, much less run), they feign amazement that he killed their buddy. Terl doesn’t believe that a Man Animal could kill a Psychlo, so he gives the other guards’ gun to Our Hero who shoots the other guard as well. Terl looks faintly impressed with this new knowledge, and says (I kid you not!) “Well, I’ll be damned”. Then they all start laughing.

After a bit of running about, Our Hero gets put in front of a training machine with holographic aliens who teach Johnny boy everything from Euclidian geometry ( I guess that no matter what planet you are from, the being who invents Euclidian Geometry is fortuitously named Euclid.) to Psychlo security codes and language. The special effects are top notch throughout the movie, so you can’t fault the SFX team. At one point the transporter device is engaged, and Johnny watches the alien numbers count down and I laughed as I saw that the number “10” was written in Psychlo language as “LO” and the number “2” is exactly the same, as is the number “1”. The other numbers are mostly similar, but anyone with an I.Q. above 40 can easily figure it out.

Johnny goes to Alien school. Notice the cool special effects.

The Head Honcho Zeet from Corporate Psychlo shows up and is instantly brown nosed by Terl, who smarmily asks about his promotion. After a bit of obtuse innuendo, Terl is told that since he fooled around with some corporate bigwig’s daughter, he is stuck on Earth forever doing the same job. Bad news for Ker, as he was next in line for the chief of security job that Terl has. What is hilarious is the way the actors flail their arms to keep their balance as they walk, as the stilts they wear are plainly audible. Terl and Ker cook up a plan to use humans to mine the ore needed, and since they are slaves, they won’t have to pay them anything. Terl gets Ker on videotape outlining the plan, so he can use it as leverage in case he needs to blackmail him later.

Terl teaches Johnny to fly their ships against Corporate policy, and takes Johnny and a bunch of slaves to a gold vein that was uncovered by a recent Earthquake. Colorado is not known as a tectonically unstable area, but I guess in a thousand years that could change. The Psychlos cannot get near the ore, as it is radioactive and turns the air they breathe into poison. Terl tells Johnny to get the payload of gold in seven days, or he will use a remote control collar to blow off the head of his girlfriend Chrissy.

Our Hero sets out after stopping off at a public library to look at a few books that weren’t turned to dust by silverfish, termites, etc. and finds that Fort Knox was the repository of most of America’s gold, and decides to use this gold to stave Terl off while he trains his buddies. They break into Fort Knox with laughable ease, as they pass only 2 armored doors that I frankly could get past given power tools and a few hours. They load up the ship, drop it off at the mine, and travel to Texas to find a supply depot with mothballed Harrier jets, machine guns, ammo, bazookas, and the like. There is a generator at work somewhere, as the lights work and the training machine still works like a champ after 1,000 years of disuse. Riiiiight!

Door number one at Fort Knox

Vault door at Fort Knox

After raiding the depot for millennium old munitions that of course still work, they take a nuclear warhead that they plan to use to blow up the Psychlo home planet. Seriously, this thing is the size of a watermelon, and it will destroy the entire enemy home planet. Apparently L. Ron forgot that science fiction starts with science. I can forgive millennia old Harrier jets starting right up and a generator that kept going for all that time, but there is no way that a single bomb of that size could do one millionth of the damage needed. By the way, here is a picture of scenic Psychlo and its moon, which is unnamed.

Windy here in outer space near Planet Psychlo and its unnamed moon.

Yes, those are clouds surrounding the planet and moon. In space. In a vacuum. In this reality. This caused me to swear never to join the Scientologist cult. Anyway, I lost interest after that scene and the usual heroics ensued, people attacked and killed the plodding slow witted alien oppressors with laughable ease, the atomic bomb blew up the entire alien world to its constituent atoms, and even took out their moon. (Which was unnamed.) The Harrier jets come to the rescue, the millennium old bazookas work perfectly every time, and thousand year old gunpowder fire just fine. Johnny keeps both Terl and Ker, the former as a prisoner in Fort Knox, the latter as a turncoat who helps the humans after they blew up his home world.

Atomic bomb that destroyed an entire world.

The End

Karl Hoegle (May 2008)

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