Double Agent 73 (1974)

Double Agent 73

Directed by Doris Wishman

Tagline: “The Most Unbelievable Set Of Secret Weapons!”

Run Time: 73 minutes


Double Agent 73Our current feature, Double Agent 73, like director Doris Wishman’s other freak show, Deadly Weapons, stars the semi-comatose actress/stripper/breast life-support system Chesty Morgan. As low-budgeted and uninspired as Deadly Weapons was, Wishman’s second film featuring Chesty (and her last) sinks below even these abysmal low-level marks in the sludge.

The story, and I use that term in the loosest sense possible, revolves around Jane, AKA Double Agent 73, a super-dooper spy who’s ordered to infiltrate a ring of heroin pushers in order to get to the leader who has some sort of scar or something.

Was that confusing? Good. Then you got the point.

To help Good Guy Headquarters in identifying the miscreants, Jane goes deep under cover. How deep? Glad you asked. So deep that Chesty submits to having a camera implanted in her ample left bosom so that she can take pictures of her victims for later identification. (Sound stupid? Good. You’re really getting the idea then.) You might wonder how anybody could take a picture with a camera implanted in their body. Yes, it would be impossible, wouldn’t it? Never mind, Jane manages to do it by grabbing her boob with her hand and jostling it up and down; resulting in a a ‘click!’ sound and camera-bulb flash (!).

As in "Deadly Weapons", Chesty’s enormous breasts are at first shocking, then boring, and finally disgusting. I really couldn’t help feeling sorry for poor old Chesty, I mean, let’s be real: she’ll always be supporting actress for her boobs. (Strangely enough, Chesty disappeared from the film scene in 1981 after appearing in Third Hand. Rumors have it that she moved to Florida and faded away, however I can’t believe she could ever just fade away anywhere she was.)

Due to Chesty’s impenetrable Polish accent, the entire film was re-dubbed in post production resulting in some of the absolute worst dubbing I’ve seen since…oh…her previous film. Never one to disappoint, director Doris Wishman continues to employ her trademark cutaways to walls, ash trays, and her favorite inanimate object: shoes. (You can read more about Doris and Chesty in the Deadly Weapons review, just click on the link at the beginning of this review.)

After the opening credits (intercut with film clips showing Chesty taking several pictures with her boob-cam…boy, thanks, I just can’t get enough of seeing that…) we see some Bad Guys playing cards in a rather drab looking house. A huge, hideous ceiling-to-floor tapestry covers the entire wall in an effort to disguise the fact that this same room will be used as several different locations in future shots. Outside we see an undercover agent make his way into the house and snoop around.

If you ever watch this movie (God help you), notice how the door he enters is in the middle of the long, front wall of the house, but when he goes inside, there is a wall with a window immediately to his left. It’s very reminiscent of the weird ‘magic staircase’ in the entry room of Dr. Vornoff’s home in Ed Wood’s Bride of the Monster. What I find rather amusing about all this is that in this film’s opening credits there’s special mention given to somebody for ‘Continuity’…and they’ve already blown it within the first minute!

But let’s be kind and move on…

Double Agent 73 Double Agent 73

Now where did that window come from?

After quietly poking around for a while , Secret Agent Guy (SAG) discovers a roll of microfilm, stuffs it into his pocket with a smile, and sneaks back towards the front door. Unbeknownst to him, he’s being followed by a couple of Bad Guys (no names yet), who knock him unconscious.

"Get rid of him," orders a gruff voice belonging to the as yet unseen crime lord, Toplar.

The Bad Buys pick up the still woozy SAG, carry him outside, and lock him in the truck of their car. (Never mind that they do all this in the middle of the street in broad daylight.) In an incredibly ham-fisted bit of editing, SAG somehow overpowers his captors and starts running down the street. (!?) Unfortunately for SAG, his assailants quickly regain their senses, jump into their car, and run him down. Amazingly, SAG is standing in the middle of the street but when he’s ‘hit’ by the car, he tumbles to the grassy ground in a park somewhere. (!) Anyway, it looks like everybody’s in the middle of a park now, so I don’t know what the hell’s going on…and…wait, up walks one of SAG’s fellow agents (WTF?) and asks "Who did this?"

"Toplar…scar…", SAG manages to gasp with his dying breath.

Cut to yet another park where we get to watch…and watch…and watch…some people playing volleyball…one team is in swimsuits, the other team is nude…ahhh…the carefree 70’s.

Anyway, we watch them playing more volleyball…cut to a flower…back to volleyball…and

COME ON!!!

What the hell?!

After a long while we see Chesty lounging in the shade reading a book while wearing a hideously revealing black bra accented by gigantic hot-pink platform shoes. Oh yes, she’s a secret agent all right.

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THE HORROR!

After receiving her assignment from headquarters, a scene which looks suspiciously like it was shot in somebody’s back study, Jane agrees to infiltrate a gang of narcotics dealers headed by Ivan Toplar, a mysterious killer that no agent has managed to get a look at yet.

Is the suspense killing ya?

The extra twist to the mission is that Jane is to take pictures of any henchmen that she happens to whack in the process of finding Toplar, and what easier way to accomplish this than implanting an camera in her boob (!).

"You must be back in this office by 10 p.m…March 11th!" Jane’s handler stresses as we cut to her massive cleavage and fade to the next shot. Man, this is one classy production.

Double Agent 73

MORE HORROR!

Just when you thought you’d get a respite from Chesty Morgan’s wares, we cut to watch her recovering at home after having the camera implanted. Jane is recovering in bed, naturally, and topless, naturally. (A scene so horrifying that I refuse to post any screen shots.) A nurse gives her a pill for her pain but Jane remembers that she is to trust no one, so she hides the medication under her pillow and pretends to fall asleep.

Talk about a taut thriller!

After another fade to Jane’s breasts (ENOUGH ALREADY!!!), then a pan up and along her vast folds of flesh, we see the supposed nurse make a call to some bad guys. How this ‘nurse’ managed to infiltrate Jane’s mission before she’s even recovered from surgery is beyond me!

Anyway, Jane sneaks out of bed and into the other room where she overhears Bad Nurse say that everything is under control. Being a super-spy, Jane promptly strangles the nurse with the phone cord and takes a couple of pictures of the corpse by grabbing her tit and pulling it up and down. (Please…no more shots of Chesty’s breasts…PLEASE!) In keeping with this film’s high standards of realism, the director foleyed in the sound of a camera shutter clicking along with a bright flash…yes, a flash from a camera implanted in her boob!!! How the hell does that work?!

No. On second thought, I really, really don’t want to know.

After killing the imposter nurse, Chesty discovers that somebody has slipped a note under the door. It reads…oh hell, read it for yourself:

Double Agent 73

Yeah, that’s pretty much how headquarters feeds the leads to Jane. Pretty professional.

Cut to the "Bigelow Rock Bar" which is actually just the same shots of a ‘club’ from the other crappy Chesty Morgan film Deadly Weapons, and you know what, this is one God-awful movie. There. I said it and I feel better.

Anyway, at the club, Jane quickly zeroes in on her target, mostly because everybody else in the scene is from stock footage from a different movie. Yep, after some stultifying small talk, Jane discovers that this guy is in Room #6.

Oh. So this is a hotel, I thought it was a club. Man, now that’s some great location establishment.

Ah yes, silly me: you can tell it’s a hotel from the room number on his door. A room number that was simply drawn on a piece of paper and cut out with a pair of scissors. (I shit you not…this movie is that bad! You can see the rough edges around the curves of the "6" where it was cut out of a piece of card board or something.)

Jane forces her way into his room by blowing the lock with some plastic explosives (which is simply a glob of…Play -Doh!!! I’m not kidding!!!)

Double Agent 73

Jane lights the ‘plastic explosives’

After gaining entry, Jane takes off her blouse and takes a few pics of some Super-Dooper-Important Documents that just happen to be laying around on the guys desk in his hotel room.

Double Agent 73

Super-Spy Jane photographing documents with her Boob-Cam

I included one fairly innocent screen shot (above) just to give you an idea of the hideousness of it all.

(Seriously, it’s terrifying to think that there were people that found this tantalizing.)

After watching Jane take at least 6 or 7 shots (drink her in, people, drink her in…) the guy from the bar enters the room and discovers Jane busy at work. After a brief struggle, Jane knocks him out with a blow to the head with her breast (now that is probably pretty realistic) and escapes down to the street into her car which can mean only one thing:

CAR CHASE!

Yep, the guy who was previously knocked senseless, has miraculously recovered and jumps into his car to give chase. The excitement grows when you quickly realize that the ‘chase’ was actually filmed at normal speed and then played back ‘extra fast’ in the final product. (This includes one shot where the cars make a quick stop at a stop sign before continuing!!! EXCITEMENT!)

After much silliness, Jane is captured at gunpoint and driven away. (At this point I’m sort of wondering just why in the hell Jane doesn’t have a gun…) After driving for what seems like an eternity (to the viewer), Jane is forced out of the car, but not before she drops a tube of fake lipstick into the seat behind her.

BLAMMO!

The explosion is so violent that the car is teleported, via jump cut, from the parking lot to a vacant lot beside a stand of trees, and then, just to add the cherry on top of this wonderful scene, a quick insert of a mushroom cloud scene is added to the end of this shot!!!

When the news of the demise of this latest bad guy reaches Crime Syndicate Headquarters, a Really Bad Guy, named Dimytri, is tasked with whacking Jane as quickly as possible. Some how the bad guys have Jane’s address, so we thankfully can dispense with any type of plot development or intrigue. It’s not like this is a spy movie or anything. Oh wait. Never mind.

Cut to the next scene to see Jane receive her next assignment:

Double Agent 73

As ridiculous as it may seem, one of Jane’s friends just happens to stop by for a visit while she is out and decides to take a shower. Give yourself a pat on the back if you predicted that Dimitry would show up and kill her instead. (In a rather violent scene, I must say.) The funny thing is that, really, how hard would it be to realize that this woman, of normal bosom and red hair, is not the battleship-boobed, blond Secret Agent Jane?! How could you mix them up? Actually, how could you mistake anybody for Chesty Morgan?

(I’m not even going to mention the despicable homage to Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho when the red-head is slashed up in the shower and her blood is shown draining away…it makes me want to puke.)

Anyway, Jane returns home to find her slaughtered friend, grunts in dismay, and leaves for the zoo to meet her next contact, Atlantis-Seven. After meeting this new contact, Jane and Atlantis-7 stroll around the zoo, exchange small talk, and the scene ends. Thank you, Ms. Wishman, for not overdosing me on excitement.

After who knows how long, Jane returns home, takes off her top (EYEEEEEEEEIEIIIIII!!!) and has a drink. Little does she know that Dimytri has been scolded for his screw up (by killing her friend) and is forced to redo the job. After he enters the door, Jane quickly squirts some smoke in his face from some sort of weird drink decanter. The smoke proves to be some sort of ‘knock out’ agent (much like this film), and renders the would-be assassin unconscious at which time the topless Jane pounces on him and kills him by choking him to death with ice cubes!

Man…she’s good!!!

Double Agent 73

The next morning Jane receives a call from…somebody, it’s hard to hear who it is on the phone, and as usual, the dialog gives the hapless viewer nary a clue as to what the hell is happening. OK, now I think I get it. It’s some guy from the agency (Atlantis 7?) that insists on taking her out on a date. Jane agrees and we immediately cut to see Jane and The Guy returning from their night out, because, you know, it would have cost too much money to actually film their date.

We then cut to see Jane returning home…from somewhere, this time wearing a completely different outfit then we just saw her in so I must ask:

What the hell is going on here??!!

OK, this is some sort of a mission where Jane has to take some pictures of some documents but then some guy walks in and she kills him with a throwing-star/earring to the neck.

Man, I hate this movie.

But that was the end of that scene.

There’s really no way to make this any less awful than it already is.

OK, cutting again to see Atlantis 7 tasked with finding Jane because…she’s in danger? What the…WHAT THE HELL?!

So, the next day at the horse track (why? why? why? why?), Atlantis 7 snoops around in the crowds trying to find Jane, whom, I might add, he’s falling in love with. ("…there’s something different about Jane…" he muses to himself. Uh. Yeah. You noticed?!)

Stock footage of a horse race to break up the intense drama which is…Double Agent 73!

Anyway, Jane tracks down and kills a dentist…yes, because, well, he’s a bad guy. WHO KNOWS?

So let’s see, Jane gets captured by Igor (birthmark guy) and tied to a chair in order to be interrogated. After bashing her around a bit in a most clumsily filmed fashion, Igor makes the mistake of answering the phone and turning his back on Jane. Jane, using her electric ring (!) burns off the ropes and dispatches Igor with a broken bottle, takes some boob pics and then leaves. Fantastic.

Soooo…to be honest. I hate this movie.

Let’s move into bullet mode:

  • Little does Jane know that the camera is set to self-destruct at 10 p.m., which is in about 10 minutes. Why? Why? Why?
  • Jane stumbles into head quarters Just In Time! WHEW!
  • After successfully removing the camera (within 5 minutes of her arrival?!), Jane and her boss review the photos on a projector. Yes, somehow they are looking at still photos from Jane’s boob-cam on a reel-to-reel movie projector.
  • My head hurts.
  • A quick run down of Jane’s hits reveals that the leader of the bad guys is actually one of their agents. What a plot twist.
  • Jane, having fallen in love with this traitorous double-agent, feels betrays and volunteers to bring him to justice.
  • Luring him to her place, Jane’s ex-boyfriend confesses his crimes and begs to begin anew, even to marry her, Jane simply pulls out a gun and shoots him. How’s that for a tight plot?
  • Cut to a close-up of Jane’s boobs…again!…man, I’m getting sick of those things.
  • After returning home, an emotionally exhausted Jane tells her boss that she’s calling it quits, but her boss won’t have it: He sends her on a mission to Istanbul.
  • Cut to a oh-so-tasteful montage of Jane’s plane landing in Turkey superimposed over her mammoth breasts.
  • Ho ho. That Jane! She’s a spy for life. She’ll never quit because that’s just how dedicated she is!!!

Double Agent 73

Good Lord! Is this movie over yet?

Ah, yes. It is.

Dennis Grisbeck (November 2008)

Afterthoughts

After over 100 movie reviews for this site, I can honestly say that this movie was the most painful of them all. I really can’t put my thoughts into complete sentences after getting through this crap pile, so I’ll have to resort to spewing out single words:

boring

turgid

plotless

pointless

exploitive

tasteless

I could go on, but what more could I ever add to that which is…Double Agent 73!!!

And, as hard as it is to believe it, this movie is way, way worse than Chesty’s other boob-fest, Deadly Weapons. I know it sounds impossible, but it is.

This movie is that bad.

Read more about Double Agent 73 at

IMDB

Some more shoe shots. Bah!

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3 comments to Double Agent 73 (1974)

  • Shawntos

    I think you got adjective wrong, she wasn’t supposed to be a super dooper secret spy but a super drooper secret spy.

  • guts3d

    …and dispatches Igor with a broken bottle, takes some boob pics and then leaves. Fantastic.

    Where else but the Moster Shack could one read a sentence like that? Glad I missed this one!

  • The4thStooge

    Sweet JESUS! This (ahem) “movie” was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. Of course, I LOVED it, but still! Horrible!

    Thanks for the review!

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