Blurbs 4

Submerged (2005)

Blurb: Steven Seagal (Under Siege, Into The Sun), the world`s most deadly anti-terrorist agent, is going down under – under the sea, where waves of deceit are set to torpedo his command… permanently. Chris Cody (Seagal) is summoned from his military prison cell and promised a presidential pardon – with a hitch. An American Ambassador has been assassinated – by the U.S. Secret Service. Now the C.I.A. wants Cody to uncover and terminate this deadly operation, but they don`t tell him the truth. Cody ends up overpowered and trapped beneath the waves… but hardly out of his depth.

Comments:“…where waves of deceit are set to torpedo his command…” Oh BUH-rother! Steven, can’t you just go away?…To think that he was once married to Kelly “Woman In Red” LeBrock…(sigh). I’m assuming somewhere in the film there’ll be some sort of 10 minute monologue on global warming and/or the health of the world’s oceans.

American Nightmare (2002)

Blurb: On Halloween night, the pirate radio show ‘American Nightmare’ is broadcasting through the night. The show’s cynical and sadistic presenter has invited listeners to phone in and share their worst nightmares while he commemorates the massacre of four college students one year ago. At a local cafe, seven friends have gathered for dinner before heading out for a Halloween party. With the radio show playing in the cafe, they each take a turn to phone in and describe their worst fears. But unbeknownst to them, a killer is lurking nearby – a killer whose only intention is to turn their fears into a violent reality.

Comments:Oooo…not a pirate radio show! Now that’s cutting edge! I’m not a fan of “slasher” movies, and I really don’t understand people that are. Give me giant bugs any day. This is a prime example of the reason the government shut down all those damn pirate radio shows back in the 1990’s…look what it leads to: murder! And even worse: crappy movies. (End sarcasm)

Chained Sinners – Medieval Fleshpots (2003)

Blurb:…recently died and his son and heir will have a new virginal bride selected for him from amongst the princesses by the high priestess. But before the selection can begin, the beautiful princesses must be freed from their jealous kidnappers, who have forced them to work naked in the silver mines!

Comments:Somebody on IMDB swears that this movie isn’t porn….damn. Lead actress Rena Mero is appearantly some sort of wrestler, and goes by the moniker of ‘Sable” in the WWF/WWE pseudo-universe. Could be entertaining for somebody, but not me.

Cutaway (2000)

Blurb:U.S.customs agent Victor Caruso (stephen Baldwin) is a special operative who goes “Deep Cover” to bring down some of the worlds [sic] most notorious drug lords. He works under various alaises and he always brings these criminals to justice. He discover that a group of fanatical drug smugglers have been using parachutes to skydive drugs at night. Gradually, Caruso blurs the line that separates his mission from his new found passion having ultimately to choose between his duty and his lifestyle which he has come to obsess.

Comments:Yes! The rock’em-sock’em kick ass team of Stephan Baldwin and Dennis Rodman are back together again! (Did I just type that?!) Anyway, I thought it was pretty funny that they didn’t capitalize “stephan” in the movie description. Ouch. Then why did they capitalize “Deep Cover”? I suppose it’s all just random. I didn’t know somebody could ‘come to obsess’ their lifestyle, but there you have it. By the way, Rodman’s character is named “Randy ‘Turbo’ Kingston.” WARNING: Never see a movie with a character named “Turbo”.

Gladiator Eroticus – The Lesbian Warriors (2001)

Blurb:The Year is 69 A.D. Beautiful and powerful Roman General Eroticus has just vanquished her latest enemy with superior forces, cunning warfare and body-weakening lesbian seductions. Fading Emperor Gluteus Maximus wishes for the popular Eroticus to lead Rome into a new democratic era, but his spineless son Dickus Minimus will not give up the throne so easily. Arrested, savagely seduced, then left for the vultures, Eroticus vows revenge. Taken into slavery, she must first survive the sensual rigors of becoming the most feared and least clothed female Gladiator. She is the ultimate lesbian warrior! Friends, Romans, Lesbians…Lend Me Your Eyes.

Comments:I just wanted you to read this story line too. Some sort of ‘erotic-spoof’. Now there is a genre that is under-represented in today’s cinema. This movie features the characters of Eroticus, Orgasmus, Dickus Minimus (!!), and Slave Master Fellatio. I bet you want to see this, dontcha?

Some Things Never Die (1998)

Blurb:Shannon Griffin and her family move into the country to get away from the pressures of city life. Their peace is shattered when several townspeople die mysteriously and their bodies are found to be infested with a form of insect lava…

Comments: Infested with a form of insect “lava”? I guess that would be rather “mysterious”… Stars Randy “Cousin Eddie” Quaid and even has “Downtown” Julie Brown (!). If you don’t know who she is then go ask your parents about the history of MTV. Seems like an Arachnophobia rip-off, but might be OK to see if I’m in the right mood.

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