Blurbs 5

Dead Heat (1988)

Blurb: Violent criminals who can’t be killed are shooting up Los Angeles, and the investigation leads LAPD detectives Roger Mortis and Doug Bigelow to a mysterious pharmaceutical firm. But when Mortis is suddenly murdered, his coroner girlfriend and loose cannon partner discover the company’s ‘resurrection machine’ that turns Roger into the walking dead. Now the department’s most unstoppable cops must battle zombie hit men, a butcher shop gone berserk and the deceased industrialist who may hold the key to it all. But can Mortis solve his own homicide case before he completely decomposes?
Comments: Gotta love criminals (violent no less!) that can’t be killed. That’s gotta suck to be a cop on that beat.
Starring SNL’s Joe Piscopo. (You’re getting old if you remember that guy!) Anyway, I vaguely remember this movie coming out but, to be honest, don’t remember if I saw it or not. Probably doesn’t make much difference. Even though from the storyline I’m pretty sure I’d remember something this goofy.

Hell Comes To Frogtown (1987)

Blurb: In the radioactive wasteland of the future, Sam Hell is one of the last fertile men on the planet. But when Hell is seized by a female organization intent on repopulating, he is sent on a deadly mission to rescue – and impregnate – a group of beautiful women held captive by the violent bipedal amphibian leader of Frogtown. Who will survive the Dance of the Three Snakes? And will the female sex ultimately get their fill of Hell?
Comments: Stars "Rowdy" Roddy Piper from the good ‘ol WWF days. As mentioned in the blurb, Sam Hell comes to Frogtown. Get it? Hell? Ha Ha. Let’s see, Roddy Piper vs a bunch of guys in rubber frog suits. Go frogs! Unfortunately, I want to see this movie, even if it takes place in a future where the only "fertile" male is Roddy. (Yech!)

Illegal Aliens (2007)Killer Tomatoes Eat France (1991)

Blurb: The razor-toothed tomatoes return in "Killer Tomatoes Eat France," affectionately known as Part IV of the Tomatoes Trilogy. This time they’ve developed an appetite for dining a’ la Francaise! Filmed in France, the juicy plot unfolds as the evil professor Gangreen (John Astin) and his bungling henchman Igor (Steve Lundquist) create a new strain of tomatoes to devour the country. Only a young American tourist claiming to be Michael J. Fox (Marc Price, Skippy from "Family Ties") and his girlfriend (former Miss Universe, Angela Visser), who’s one hot tomato herself, can stop them!
The battle rages from the dungeon of France’s newest tourist attraction, "Igor’s Really Big Castle," to a Ben Hur-style car chase around the Arc de Triomphe and a heavy metal rock riot at the Louvre.
Comments: You know, I saw the first "Killer Tomato" movie way back when and even as a kid I hated it. I’m all for silly movies, but I just feel I missed the boat with all this Killer Tomato movies. Am I missing something here? Anyway, these movies are so goofy that I can’t stand them. I mean, isn’t there anything better to waste your time on?

Play-Mate of the Apes (2002)

Blurb: In the far distant future, sexy and fearless U.S. Astronaut Gaylor (Misty Mundae) and her shipments (Anoushka, Sharon Engert) crash land on a grim and desolate planet. Quickly out of their spacesuits and into each other’s arms, unbridled lesbian seductions become their only hope for survival. But Gaylor and crew discover the planet to be dominated by a tyrannical race of intelligent talking apes led by the dastardly general lade who plots the enslavement of all humans. The three astronauts are caught and imprisoned, yet Gaylor’s smarts, girlish charms, and hot erotic beauty immediately catch the fancy of human-friendly ape Dr. Cornholeus [!!!] (Debbie Rochon) as well as the luscious wild woman Uvala (Darian Caine). Soon, no woman can keep her “filthy” paws off Gaylor’s young, scrumptious body, and a revolution of untamed and uninhibited female lust threatens to bring down the repressive ape society… or set it free!
Comments: Takes place not in the distant future, but the "far"distant future…now that’s
the future! Oh yeah, and the planet they crash on is not just desolate: it’s "grim" too!
Straight-to-video soft-porn. Take it or leave it. By the way, the star of the film, Misty Mundae, also played ‘Clitoris’ in Gladiator Eroticus: The Lesbian Warriors. Aren’t you happy I told you that. If you really want to know, her sister, Chelsea also appears in this film, er, genre…notably The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String. (Oh, brother…)

Matthew Blackheart: Monster Smasher (2002)

Blurb: During World War II a renegade scientists invented green goo capable of transforming the dead into an army of monsters to fortify enemy troops. In retaliation, America gave life to the antidote — Matthew Blackheart — a monster-smashing machine, built from the reanimated reamins [sic] of American war heroes. Now, fifty years later in New York City, Blackheart returns after being frozen in time. The world has changed – but the monster domination remains the same. Armed with super-human powers and an old-fashioned sense of justice, only Matthew Blackheart can beat the undead at their own gruesome game! Comments: Blackheart returns to NYC to battle the monsters controlling the city. I always knew there was something about Donald Trump…
Anyway, a lot of people seem to like this movie. I have to admit, there’s something alluring about somebody who kills zombies while wrapped in an American flag.

Alien Factor 2: The Alien Rampage (2004)

Blurb: Witness the return of Baltimore’s greatest alien terror in this monstrous saga from low-budget cult director Don Dohler (Fiend, Nightbeast). Watch in horror as alien space specimens escape to pillage the countryside, leaving pandemonium in their wake!

Comments: Gee. Don’t tell us about the movie or anything. Wouldn’t want to give anything away regarding this Oscar winner. Wow…nothing like pandemonium to set your nerves on edge. Really makes me glad I never saw this nor the first "Alien Factor