Kottentail (2007)

Written and Directed by Tony Urban

Run Time: 90 minutes

25 Words or Less:

Mutant rabbit bites man. Man mutates and attacks scantily clad women. Dennis laughs.

The Cast

"Kottentail" is a spoof of all the typical genetically mutated monster flicks. It’s also obviously a parody, so pointing out "flaws" is pointless since the film is aiming for ultimate campiness from the get go. But I can still have fun with it? Right? That’s why I’m here when I could be, oh, having a real life? A movie based on such an outlandish concept (a killer rabbit-man mutant) and with low production values, certainly deserves a few minutes in the limelight before fading back into obscurity…and where else but the Monster Shack to provide that light? Like our motto says, "We shine the light into the dark damp corners where you don’t dare to go". (At least I think that’s the motto…well, I digress.)

Open in an animal research lab, which looks like it’s being filmed in somebody’s basement, where we learn that sciency-named test subject "F-13" is finally alert. A quick cut shot reveals that F-13 is a freakin’ stuffed toy rabbit. Seriously. It’s a toy rabbit. Boy, this movie’s got some brass balls.

So that’s how this movie’s going to be, eh?

A cruel male scientist begins jabbing F-13 with an electric prod…ostensibly to "test its reflexes"…hmmm…not really in the spirit of the scientific method, but oh well. As an off screen stage hand jerks the toy up and down with an all-too-visible string, in comes Dr. Scarlet Salenger, played by the lovely
Bridget Marquardt. (She was one of Hugh Heffner’s "girlfriends" from back in the day…kids, ask your dad). "His name is Frederico!" Scarlet shouts while shoving her abusive partner away from the caged creature.

"Don’t get too attached to the subject," he warns her in an ominous tone.

Later that day, Robin and Lizzy, 2 members of the secretive animal rights group "Women for the Liberation of Caged Animals", meet outside the lab to prepare for a daring rescue operation. Lizzy, a prostitute by day, which naturally provides an unending stream of stupid sex jokes throughout the film, distracts the security guard with a pizza and a quick look at her boobs. While the guard ogles Lizzy’s goods, Robin sneaks inside the facility and frees Frederico who happily hops off into the nearby woods. Nice one, releasing altered animals into a local ecosystem. That never goes wrong, does it.

Over at the "Köttentail" farm (get it? get it?), local vegetable farmer Hans Köttentail espies Frederico happily chomping carrots in his garden. "Ja!..think twice about raiding Hans Köttentail’s garden!" he shouts after grabbing the thieving rodent and tossing it to the ground. Unfortunately for Hans, but fortunately for bad-movie fans, Hans receives a nasty bite on his finger…annnnnnnd I think you can see where this is going.

Meanwhile, it’s time to introduce another character, Yvonne Mikita, a meter maid who busily writes parking tickets while her boss makes fun of her over the radio about her not being a "real cop". Har dee har. Try not to notice that her supervisor’s voice is not coming from her radio, but rather from a guy delivering his lines from just off camera…I love it.

With that exciting scene fading into black we cut to the Pi Pi Pi sorority house (which again, looks very much like some random crew member’s mobile home). Inside the (cough) sorority, freshman pledge Marissa is crouching in a bikini getting her rear end paddled by the other members.

This hot, spanking action is interrupted when Hans shows up to give Marissa a handful of his prize carrots and to ask her out on a date. Marissa accepts his generous gift of muddy carrots, but has to decline his clumsy attempts to pick her up by blandly stating that she’s already going out with another guy. Poor Hans! Yes, another compelling characterization scene…but where’s the damn monster rabbit? I’m all for spanking scenes, still, let’s get this going already…

In the meantime, Scarlet has discovered the break in at the lab and to her great dismay notices that Frederico is missing from his cage. With the Department of Defense demanding an update on F-13’s status (the DOD?!), Scarlet drops the drab lab coat and puts on a pair of Daisy Duke cut-off shorts and tie-around top before heading out to hang up "Missing Rabbit" posters. (Yes, the Monster Shack heartily approves of this wardrobe change.)

After hanging up a few posters, Scarlet continues her desperate search by waving a handful of carrots and yelling "Frederico! Frederico!". Well, I guess if you’re trying to find a rabbit, that’s a good way to start. Unbeknownst to Scarlet, Officer Chapman of Animal Control has spotted Frederico in some underbrush and deftly knocks him on the head with a stick before taking him back to the animal shelter.

Meanwhile, Hans, who is steadily morphing into the titular Kottentail, decides to peep in some windows at the nearby apartment complex. (It seems that the filmmakers felt it’s been too long since we last saw some skin.) Hey, what do you know, it’s Officer Mikita’s place. What are the odds? Anyway, the local landlord spots Hans peeking into the windows and confronts him in the backyard only to receive a vicious slash to the gut. Later, the landlord recalls how he was attacked by someone that "hopped away…like a kangeroo..or…or…a rabbit!"

Back at the Department for Animal Control (uh, boy that sure looks like the same basement used as the research center, if you know what I mean…), Scarlet stops by to see if Frederico has been captured. Agent Chapman is not so eager to release the rabbit since he knows about the reward, so Scarlet is compelled to pull the old, "I’d do anything…anything at all" routine. (Which I have to admit would be a pretty convincing argument.) Not too surprisingly, Scarlet distracts Chapman with her "wares", quickly ties him up, and runs off with Frederico.

The next morning (I think), a couple of local toughs discover Hans passed out on "their" basketball court. Unwisely, they start to harass the poor guy which causes him to fully mutate into …drum roll…"Kottentail". In total rage-mode, Kottentail quickly kills the thugs and even slam-dunks one of their heads through the hoop in a victory celebration! Now that’s something you don’t see everyday.

Back at the bloody basketball court, Detective Fulci (played by the same actor as Agent Chapman, did the casting budget run dry?) looks over the corpses of the deceased basketball players. Meter Maid Mikita looks on from afar, but isn’t allowed to approach the scene since she’s not a "real cop." Yuck Yuck.

Robin, a journalist by trade, is allowed immediate access to the crime scene…"Freedom of the press…ever heard of that?!" she yells at the cops when they try to stop her. Alas, the cops are pretty tight-lipped about the recent happenings, soooo Robin has no story. As she leaves the area in frustration, Mikita whispers on the down-low that she can give Robin the scoop back at her place. (How does Mikita know what’s going on if they never let her near the scene? Woman’s intuition I guess.)

As agreed, later that evening Robin pops over to Mikita’s house. As Mikita fills in the details (the attacker was seen hopping away, rabbit fur on the bodies, etc.) Robin puts it all together…it must be a killer man-rabbit! Well, duh! A plan is hatched: Kidnap Scarlet from the animal research center and get to the bottom of this once and for all…and they better hurry up because there’s only about 15 minutes of run time left.

After getting ahold of Scarlet and forcing her to spill the beans about Frederico, the girls realize what has happened to Hans. Sooooo, OK, the plan: Strew hormone laden carrots around the city ("…they’re like crack for rabbits!" Scarlet explains, well, she is the scientist after all…) along with pictures of Kottentail’s house. You see, this will make Kottentail return home because…well, I really don’t get the logic behind all this, but that’s not terribly important at this point. To my pleasant surprise, Lizzy suggests they dress up in sexy rabbit costumes so that Kottentail will feel comfortable around them and…oh, my head hurts. On the brighter side, we are treated to quite a bit of skin as the women change into their skimpy bunny suits.

Once the gals break into Kottentail’s house, they sit and wait and wait and wait until Kottentail finally shows up. For some inexplicable reason, Robin decides that she’ll be the one to tackle the monster since she released Frederico in the first place. (Lizzy, on the other hand, feels no such pangs of guilt.) Yeah, so, she runs outside with a knife in hand and Kottentail slashes her to pieces as the others watch from the window. (Damn. She was pretty hot.) Cowering inside, the surviving girls place a quick call to the Agent Chapman at the Animal Control Center and explain what’s going on…so he shows up a couple of minutes later with a freakin’ butterfly net! Oh, good grief…Well, needless to say, Kottentail rips him to ribbons as well.

With Robin and Chapman pushing proverbial daisies, the gals have no choice but to grab knives, hammers and what-have-you from the house and go for it. Mikita, determined finally to prove that she is a real cop, goes out first to confront Kottentail, but he’s nowhere to be seen…oh, that’s because he snuck back into the house through the back door and took Scarlet hostage in the basement. Damn, it’s sad when you’re outmaneuvered by a rabbit, ‘eh ladies?

Well, down in the basement Kottentail kills Scarlet and Marissa with a brutal battering of his bloody paws, then disembowels Mikita before punching Lizzy and running out to the barn with her slung over his shoulder. Whew…now that was a busy scene. Mikita, guts hanging out and gravely injured, still manages to stumble to the barn and distract Kottentail long enough to allow Lizzy to blast him with a shotgun that magically appeared out of nowhere.

Hand in hand, the surviving women smile and walk out of the barn, safe at last now that Kottentail is dead…or is he? What is that shadow running up from behind them…?

Ok, I’m done with this silly movie.

Dennis Grisbeck (July 2013)

3 comments to Kottentail (2007)

  • Guts3d

    Wow! Another great review! Sounds like they were going for the “Cult Classic” from the get-go.

  • Monster from the Id

    A killer man-rabbit (mabbit?)?

    Where’s Jimmy Carter when you need him? (dating myself with THAT reference) ^_^

    Maybe Habitat for Humanity has a chainsaw Jimmeh could borrow to kill the mabbit?

  • “…(dating myself with THAT reference) …”

    I’m right there with you, bud : )

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