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Monster Shack Roundtable: Incompetent Invasions Do you ever get tired of having space aliens comin' down and pushing us around like a bunch a wimps?! Me too! And it was durned tootin' time that we did something about it. Like a write a roundtable. Yeah, we're not going to take it anymore. We're going to make fun of all the pathetic invasion attempts throughout the ages and really let them thar aliens know that we ain't gonna take no more...Now way, no how! The line up this time: The Galaxy Invader (1985) Dennis Grisbeck UFO: Target Earth (1974) Sean Ledden Battlefield Earth (2000) Karl Hoegle (<--- You are a braver man than I, sir.) I'm also proud to say that I've suckered another faithful reader into contributing this time around. So let's have a warm Shack welcome to Scot! Godzilla: Final Wars (2004) Scot Nolan. The powers that be, along with Scot, after many hours of intense negotiation, have decided to have Scot host the review at his highly entertaining site: Bargain Bin Reviews. Be sure to stop by and check out the awesome amount of crap that this poor guy has sat through.
Well, with all the pleasantries dispensed with, let's get down to some good ol' fashioned alien arse whoopin'! The Galaxy Invader (1985) Written and Directed by Don Dohler Run Time: 79 minutes Tagline: Alien menace terrorizes trailer-trash rednecks! Review By Dennis Grisbeck Oh, and yes, the title shot is off center in the film. I owe a quick shot of thanks to Karl for generously gifting me a wonderful cache of crappy films, namely, the 50 film Sci-Fi <cough cough> Classic box set. It is a true gold mine of horrid little productions that run the gamut of charmingly absurd ("Cosmos: War of the Planets") to utterly unwatchable ("Kong Island"). It just so happened that one of the movies in the set happened to coincide nicely with the theme of this round table, i.e., pathetic alien invasions. In fact, the ambitiously uncreative title of "Galaxy Invader" fit pleasantly with the roundtable theme as well...so selecting this film was a no-brainer. I'd like to warn anybody even thinking about watching this film to be warned: This film lacks all charm or appeal. Better yet let me put it this way: It sucks. "The Galaxy Invader" plods along from one scene to the next while bland paper-thin characters shout their lines at each other in an effort to get through the shot so they can get back to their real jobs. In fact, this movie was one of the tougher movies I've had to sit through...and if you've seen the Monster Shack Movie Index, that's quite an accomplishment. On a side note, director Don Dohler hails from legendary sleeze-cinema John Waters' part of the country, i.e., back-woods Maryland and has, in fact, along with a few other actors in this movie, had bit parts in a couple of Waters' earlier films. (Yes, John Waters made other movies before Hair Spray...if you haven't seen them, then please promptly shut down your computer, send the wife and kids away for a long holiday and rent them all. You won't be disappointed. Or maybe you will. But you will never forget them.) In a strange way, Waters' influence is easily seen here, yet this Dohler film is a tedious trudge through a watered down imitation of a John Water's movie, even worse, it's without Divine's unique stage presence or sophistication. Open with a chintzy camera pan over a hand-drawn picture of the Earth followed by a cartoon meteor whizzing through space and smashing into our pretty blue planet. Cue the blue-texted 'Casio Credits', i.e., cheezy credits accompanied A POV shot of somebody stumbling through the woods, and I assume it's the alien's POV because it's accompanied by the foleyed sound of somebody breathing into a tin can, indicates that...We Have A Visitor! The Horror! David races off and phones Dr. William Tracy, an old school professor and UFO buff...what are the odds? After listening to David's awesomely bland description of the recent events, Dr. Tracy becomes convinced that this might be something worth investigating...well, duh. Dr. Tracy hops into his car and makes the 5 hour journey (!) to meet with David and take a look around the crash site. (I thought it was strange that the drive was so long. I mean, they explicitly mention that it's a long drive and then they take the time to film them calculating when he'll arrive, so you'd think that this was some sort of clunky plot point. But no, it never comes up again.) Meanwhile, the Invader (for lack of a better name) sneaks into the basement of a local house. The house's occupants hear a noise from the basement, go down to investigate and are quickly dispatched after a token struggle. This scene actually gives us our first glimpse of the woeful rubber monster. Not that I could do a better job at making a monster suit, but hey, this is one obvious Rubber Suit Monster. (Capital R, S, and M.) So, yeah. That chewed up some run time I suppose. Cut to the Montague residence; a local White Trash family of a particularly loathsome pedigree. The families patriarch, Joe, is a vile alcoholic jerk that dominates his vapid daughters, Anne and Carol, and his equally revolting son, JJ. (Interestingly enough, JJ is played by George Stover, an active part-time actor who has graced the screen in several of John Waters' earlier works and still appears in a steady dribble of low-budget DTV productions.) After some perfunctory characterization, and I use the term 'characterization' in the thinnest sense, Joe gets into an argument with Carol about her boyfriend Michael, and yadda yadda yadda, he ends up grabbing a shotgun and chasing her out of the house. Unfortunately for the viewer, this results in a pointless "foot chase" through the Maryland wilderness while somebody bangs away at a Casio keyboard. As you might expect, the scene's participants end up discovering the Invader, who was standing behind a tree and watching the debacle. "My God...what's that?", JJ asks with as much enthusiasm as a nurse receiving a stool sample.
Without missing a beat, Joe immediately fires his shotgun into the Invader's side, causing our extraterrestrial visitor to drop a glowing white-ball-thinga-ma-bob onto the ground before running off. "This thing here could be worth a lot of money!" Joe exclaims as he examines the alien artifact. "But what's it for?" asks JJ. "It's for something...I'm sure of that," replies the ever alert Joe Montague. JJ runs home and returns with a wheel-barrow in order to cart away their newfound treasure. Later that day, back at the delightful Montague estate, we discover that Joe has called local money-man, Frank, and suggested that through his connections they could sell the...thing...for a handsome price.
Eager to show just how, er, valuable, this styrofoam ball, sorry, alien device, really is, Joe "switches it on" by tapping it with a long pole because it's sooooooo dangerous. Or something. Anyway, the relic's awesome powers are realized by exploding a wad of firecrackers that a stagehand had placed behind it before the cameras started rolling. Frank watches in mute amazement....much like myself, but for entirely different reasons. After this awesome display of extraterrestrial firepower, Frank realizes that capturing the "green man" who dropped the ball would be worth a hell of a lot more money than the ball itself. Joe agrees, and the two of them head off to the bar to hire some local yokels to form a posse and capture the alien down.
Frank, Joe, JJ, and Vicki discussing the alien's styrofoam ball, er, weapon Before leaving for the bar Joe tells the dim-witted JJ to stay behind and keep an eye on the styrofoam ball, you know...just in case, or something. Unfortunately for JJ the alien has discovered the location of the ball and and attacks him from behind. After easily incapacitating JJ with a rubber-claw <whop> to the head, the alien recovers his ball and returns to the woods. Meanwhile, at the local pub, Frank manages to round up a bunch of flannel-shirt wearing hicks to help hunt down "something" in the woods. Details are to be given out later that evening at the assembly point. Boy, the suspense.
Recruitin' one of them thar huntin' posses After the fascinating Hick-Bar Scene, Joe returns home and immediately notices JJ's absence. A quick search reveals JJ's unconscious form sprawled on the ground behind the garage, which probably happens quite often after a couple of drinks. "The green man jumped me...it must have took the thing," a dazed JJ explains. After fully recovering his wits, JJ suggests to his father that they can recover the "thing" when they catch the "green man." Man, that's some descriptive dialog, but hey, you get what you pay for. Later that night, the Flannel Club For Men shows up with dogs in tow. The hunt is on! Woof! Woof! Beer break. Meanwhile, Dr. Tracy and David, remember them from the opening scene about a million years ago?, well, after stomping around the woods all evening without finding any sign of the alien, they decide to pop into the local pub to get a bite to eat. Lucky for them, Frank's girlfriend, Vicki, is drunk at the bar and they overhear her bragging about how rich she'll be when they catch the "space man". Dr. Tracy lures Vicki over to his booth with the lure of another drink, where she spills the beans about what Frank and the redneck posse are up to in the woods. Dr. Tracy and David quickly pay for their drinks and eagerly head out to try and find the alien before the rednecks get ahold of it.
Unable to resist the allure of a can of beer, Vicki spills the beans After yet another endless sequence of Rednecks Running Through the Woods shots, the posse spots the beast and gives chase while a'whooping and a'hollaring to wake the Devil. After running through the woods for a while (Excitement!), the alien manages to corner itself...in the woods. How in the hell he managed that is beyond me. I mean, how do you trap yourself in a bunch of trees? Anyway, with the styrofoam ball back in his possession once again, the alien quickly takes aim with his plastic pistol and fires at his pursuers. (Read: a shower of roman candles and sparklers. And yes, the special effects are that bad.) The camera cuts to reveal Dr. Tracy and David, surreptitiously observing from a nearby patch of bushes. I was going to try and figure out how they got there so fast, and to that exact position, but my head really hurts. I guess it's a really, really, small forest. Anyway, while the alien is gleefully zapping rednecks, Joe, Frank, and JJ manage to sneak up behind him and tie him up after a brief struggle. Frank chokes the struggling beast into unconsciousness in order to facilitate its transportation back home. Luckily the actor inside the monster suit was kind enough to keep his arms "tied" to his sides even though the ropes had clearly slid down below his waist. Dr. Tracy and David, keeping a safe distance, follow the rednecks back to Joe's house in order to keep their characters in the film I suppose. Later that night, Joe and JJ take the alien's weapon down into their basement to play with it and discover just what in the hell it's capable of doing. Now, I'm not a military genius, but since this advanced weapons system clearly consists of a silver spray-painted plastic pistol and a styrofoam ball, I'm guessing this won't take too long to figure out. Well, then again, it is Joe and JJ trying to figure it out so all bets are off. "Let's shoot it into that stairway!" Joe eagerly suggests.
"HOT DAMN! JJ, this is great!" "Shoot another one, pa!" (Do you see what kind of crap I put up with for this site? Do you?!) Meanwhile, back outside in the middle of the afternoon even though it was the middle of the night in the previous scene, Dr. Tracy and David sneak into the Montague garage in order to take a look at the captive alien. Sure enough, there's the greatest find in mankind's history hog-tied in the middle of the garage floor next to a lawn mower. (It's a shot that's rather stunning in its unpolluted idiocy.)
After admiring the creature for a moment or two, Tracy and David undo the beast's bonds. Realizing that its free, the alien tears off Dr. Tracy's arm and proceeds to beat David to death with the bloody limb. No wait. That's what should have happened to any idiot that would simply untie a pissed off monster. In this movie, however, the creature passively stands aside and waits for instruction, because, you know, he's one of those nice galaxy invader types. Upon returning to the garage door, the monster tagging along like a big, green, scaly puppy, Tracy peers out into the night and notes that Joe and Frank are standing just outside. Wait a minute...night? What the hell? It was broad daylight. Whatever. After a moment's reflection, Dr. Tracy comes up with a brilliant plan: sling open the garage door and run like hell. Frank and Joe give chase, while Joe's oldest daughter, Carol, retrieves the monster's weapons (from atop a pile of old magazines next to the sofa!). Coral runs outside into the woods and gives the weapons back to the alien, who immediately zaps her; reducing her to a pile of red hot ash. No wait, I guess I was dreaming. Oh, and how in the hell did Carol meet the monster who was running away from the house with Joe and Frank in hot pursuit. Does your head hurt too? After running for a bit (through the same set of trees used in the other foot chase scenes earlier in the film...argh!), Frank and Joe stumble upon Dr. Tracy and David. Without nary a moment's hesitation, Frank takes aim with his pistol and shoots Tracy in the chest. When he takes aim at David, Joe tries to stop him, but Frank insists on killing him because he's a "witness". (To what? The monster's existence? So what?!) Just as David is about to join Dr. Tracy in the Great Beyond, the monster jumps out of nowhere and zaps Frank with his styrofoam ball thingee. Joe picks up Frank's pistol and promptly shoots the alien. (What the...?!) As David wisely runs off, Joe approaches the wounded creature and removes the styrofoam ball (again) and leaves the wounded alien to die in the forest. (Good grief...did you get all that? No? It doesn't really matter.) Realizing that her father is out of control, Carol, David, and Michael (Carol's boyfriend...don't worry if you don't remember, it really doesn't matter: they're all equally unappealing characters) decide that something has to be done to get the alien gun out of Joe's possession and back to the alien before their drunken father can hurt anybody. Michael promises to "think of a plan" and they agree to meet the next morning. I can't wait.
Anyway, people say things and things happen and, man, this movie is really, really, really dragging. Let's move this along:
Seriously. You can go now.
Dennis Grisbeck (May 2008)
UFO-Target Earth Prologue: The phrase "Lamest Space Invasion Ever” instantly brings to my mind the 1964 Larry Buchanan classic "Attack of the the Eye Creatures.” (Sic) In it, a small number of extras in appallingly cheap and incomplete costumes stumble blindly (ha ha!) around a backwater lover's lane. They leave their plastic flying saucer completely unguarded, thus allowing a stunningly incompetent In looking for a substitute I briefly considered similar Buchanan fare such as "Zontar: The Thing from Venus” and "Mars Needs Women” – but decided to give poor Larry a break, and so plunged into the hoary netherworld of B-movie space invasions from the past. My daunting task – to find another batch of invaders so hopelessly pathetic the wonder isn't that they fail to conquer the earth, but that they manage to find it in the first place. Did I succeed? Oh boy yes! But in a different way. Where Buchanan would spend $15 dollars on some of the goofiest props and costumes I've ever seen, and then blithely throw them up onto the screen, "filmmaker that time forgot” Michael A. De Gaetano came up with a bold alternative. Wanting to make a flying saucer movie but having no money, he simply eliminated the flying saucer and replaced it with reams and reams of pointless, incomprehensible gibberish! And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: UFO: Target Earth (1974) Written and Directed by Michael A. DeGaetano Run Time: 80 minutes Tagline: UFO's…The truth about them might just blow your mind for Review by Sean Ledden Notable Quotes: We are beyond the jaws of darkness, where the light springs from the consciousness of your mind and bends upon itself to become the truth. Alien TV Screen "Curiously, what the hell do we know about electricity?' Distinguished Professor The Plot: UFO: Target Earth opens with (far too many) "recreated” interviews of "actual happenings that have occurred in recent months throughout the country.” (Are you scared yet?) I'm not - the interviewer looks likes the announcer from "Laugh-In,” only with a great 70's mustache! (Sorry.) Anyways, Mr. Mustache earnestly asks people in and around Athens, Even here, before the titles have come up, De Gaetano betrays his utter lack of skill. The most dramatic story, a classic alien abduction of a farmer and his wife, isn't saved for the finale, but is sandwiched in the middle of several "lights in the sky” anecdotes. The "climax” comes when Mr. Mustache and two men solemnly stand around some small plane wreckage in a drab stand of leafless trees near a lake. One of them asserts, "Since there has been no probe into this crash – and there have been several UFO sightings in this area for some time now, that a – well, we know what we saw.” Huh? (By the way, are you scared yet?) Finally! The Titles! And they're accompanied by a groovy, dreamy rock ballad from the groovy, dreamy, post-2001: A Space Odyssey 70's. Taken for itself, it's not a bad tune, but as the title track to a UFO movie it can only fill the heart of a sci-fi fan with dread. "UFO- Target Earth” means to be "deep.” And "Spoiler Alert!” the grainy, fuzzy, black & white UFO photos that accompany the titles are the only UFO's that appear in the movie.
Creepy UFO's hover over the heartland – I think.
These are either more creepy UFO's, or the blurred headlights of oncoming traffic at night. I'm not sure which.
What the - !?! By the end of the groovy, dreamy titles I've drifted off into a groovy, dreamy stupor - only to be jolted awake by a strident narrator's voice: "On the afternoon of March 26, 1974, Allen Grimes, a young teaching fellow at the University of Gainesville attempted to make a telephone call to a colleague to discuss some academic business. - It was a call which was to change his life!”
Allen Grimes, a young teaching fellow at the University of Gainesville, attempts to make a telephone call to a colleague to discuss some academic business. What this "academic business” is, we'll never know – for Allen has somehow intercepted a call between two military men discussing a UFO radar sighting near the "Buford Power Project.” With a blank look on his face, Allen quickly grabs a pen and starts making notes as the two harried authority figures talk about a 15% drop in the power grid. (!) Freaked out by a feeling that "there's something out there,” they decide to send some planes up to investigate. Do we see the planes? No. Do we find out what happened to them? No. Instead we get to hang out with Allen in his dark and dreary office. A blank look on his face, he stares out the window into the stormy, nighttime sky of "the afternoon of March 26.” As "spooky” thunder rumbles over the sound track his mind drifts back to his childhood bedroom, where he complains to his mother about "that light.” It was like a "big star” and "it hurt.” Mom brushes off his fears by telling him it was a dream, then leaves him alone in his room. And………NOTHING HAPPENS! We're back to grown-up Allen staring, blankly, out the window of his office. Oh wait, something is happening. Allen is making another phone call! He's trying to track down a girl named Vivian because he "has to talk to her tonight.” What follows is a pivotal conversation, so I'll quote it: Allen: "I've heard that you feel extra-terrestrial presences. Beings around us. Vivian: "Beings? - That word is too - dimensional. Energy. Yes. I feel that. I feel as if I might somehow… Allen: "Communicate with them?” Vivian: "No – with "it.” Yes, I would like that. - Why do I feel so aware now? Allen: (Blankly) "Listen, I have to make an appointment. Do you have some time tomorrow? Vivan: "I don't know.” And….fade to black. (Is your mind blown yet?) Next day finds Allen at a Planetarium lecture, where a distinguished professor blows our minds with the following information: "The appearance of Halley's Comet in 1066 A.D. neatly coincided with the conquest of England by William the Conqueror, and proceeded the raise of the Islamic Empire. It is also credited with such events as The Crusades, the Great Black Plague, the Reformation, the discovery of the New World, the decline of the Old.” And so, apparently, though the professor mysteriously omits the sinking of the Titanic, Halley's Comet explains everything. (Like, wow.) And he continues: It is curious, in an age of science and Star Trek, that there is always a flurry of UFO sightings before and after a comet visits us. What? No UFO sightings while the comet is visiting us? And why would Star Trek prevent people from seeing flying saucers?…..Anyways, after the lecture wraps up Allen and the professor stroll around the campus, gaze at photographs of space on the observatory wall, and engage in a rambling, abstract discourse on UFO's and the plausibility of extra-terrestrial life.
Allen and the professor ponder the vastness of outer space. But it seems the professor believes UFO's can all be explained rationally and, bizarrely, he thinks he proves this by showing Allen a comet through the observatory telescope. Finally Allen comes to the point: Allen: "Something is bothering me. Partly it's a scientific curiosity. Partly it's just curiosity.” Professor: "Do you understand the difference?” Allen: "Does anyone? With one you pry by asking questions and recording the answers. The other you follow hunches and wonder where the maze leads you.” (Reviewer's Note: Oh dear God!.) Professor: "Well?…..” (Reviewer's Note: Yes? - Well??) Allen: (dramatic pause) "I think you should know…..” And……fade to black. (Reviewer's Note: AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!) When the lights come on again it becomes clear Allen has spilled the beans about the UFO phone conversation he overheard. Drama threatens when the professor refuses to do anything about it for fear of ridicule, but Allen merely replies, "I understand.” To which the professor helpfully adds: "Curiously, what the hell do we know about electricity?' (Reviewer's Note: What???) Allen: "We know it's a power source.” (Reviewer's Note: Huh?) Professor: "So is imagination.” (Reviewer's Note: GAAAGGGHHH.) And so ends the conversation with the professor. Interestingly, it was a conversation whose only interesting portion was edited out. (Spoiler alert! – This entire scene has absolutely no impact on the rest of the movie.) Soon afterwards a dazed looking Vivian finds a blank looking Allen mellowing out at a local bar. She complains about "an oppressive feeling.” Flatteringly, she explains that it emanates from him. (Ouch!) Allen seems mildly intrigued. And when she takes his hand a mild kind of hell breaks out in the bar as she gasps "Energy!” and "Stars! Stars!” The lights flicker on and off. The music starts playing r-e-a-l s-l-o-w. Then the lights stop flickering and the music returns to normal. And…..fade to black.
Vivian freaks out!
Allen is concerned! Phew! That was exciting. Fortunately things calm down in the next scene as Allen paces around some nice lady's living room. Freaking out over Vivian's freak out, he explains that "an hour later enough people reported UFO sightings to make the national news.” Do we see any of that? Of course not! (De Gaetano has soooo much to answer for….) And I'll spare you a description of the rest of the scene because it's just a needless repeat of what happened with the skeptical professor. (Spoiler Alert! – The undescribed scene has absolutely no impact on the rest of the movie.) Next week finds Allen and Vivian out on the open road accompanied by plangent 70's folk-pop. He's off to see Army general Gallagher, whom he suspects took part in the "phone call that changed his life.” It's another talky and bizarre scene as the crafty Allen duels with the pissy general over "closed” and "open” communication systems. But while he learns nothing of the jet scramble, or even if the general is in the know, Allen succeeds in alerting a paranoid military to his interest in top-secret phone calls. So I guess it was a productive meeting! (Spoiler Alert! – absolutely nothing comes of all this.) Later he and Vivian stop at a picnic table and review all they know. It seems that all recent and past UFO sightings form "a broad elliptical sweep around the Buford power project.” Becoming almost animated, Allen blurts out "It might be a power source never thought of before!” (Maybe it's electricity Allen. I mean, what the hell do we know about it?) Then there's lots of prattle about mysterious "heat blisters” on structures at the Buford plant, but because of "tight army security” we'll never see any of that stuff. Hell, we don't even see the army security! Instead we go to the computer lab of Dr. Mansfield, who turns out to be that nice lady from the previous scene. Over the phone she decides Allen can use her computer to evaluate his "interviews and sensor data.” Cut to Allen and Vivian conducting one of those interviews, and one of the most astounding scenes in movie history. Not for anything that's said, but BECAUSE THE BOOM MIKE, AND IT'S LONG HANDLE, ARE CLEARLY VISIABLE FOR AN EXTENDED SHOT. (See photo.) As the shot goes on and on, you can watch as the handle makes small adjustments to the mike's position. It's mesmerizing.
Boom! I had to rewind so I could catch what the old lady was talking about! It's a long and involved story about an eclipse and UFO's coming in and out of the local lake. So Allen and Vivian go to the local lake and have another important conversation. Allen: "Do you realize she probably gave us the one bit of evidence that couldn't be co-incidence?” Vivian: "The split up of the lights.” Allen: "Absolutely. An energy force - with a flight pattern!” And….fade to black. (Reviewer's Note: What…the…hell???) A call to Dr. Mansfield's computer lab finds her assistant Dan printing out their "wild, really wild” data. (What data?) And the computer, in it's all knowing wisdom, counsels Allen and Vivian to place their "sensors” on the "opposite side of the lake.” "As far from your camp as possible.” …..OK. Looking out over the pleasant if non-descript lake, Vivian tries vainly to create a sense of dread by noting the "strangeness of this place.” Like she's "been here before.” A preposterous suggestion indeed! Then she really goes off the deep end, accusing Allen of trying to "buy my soul with your technology.” (?!?) To Allen's credit, he doesn't plant a strained smile on his face and slowly back away. Instead, he muses, "Well, we're all bound by it aren't we?” (Good answer!) He then assures her that "nothing will happen” (Oh boy, is he ever right!) before saying he has to boat over to the opposite side of the lake to place their "sensors.” Then we watch him, seemingly in real time, as he boats over to the opposite side of the lake – to place the "sensors.”
Allen boats over to the opposite side of the lake, to place the "sensors.” As Allen sets up the "sensors” on the opposite side of the lake, "as far away from their camp as possible,” Vivian waits nervously and clutches the walkie-talkie he left her. It's here that the one and only creepy thing in the whole movie happens – a weirdly harsh "voice” starts calling "Vi-vi-an” over the walkie-talkie. Freaking out, she drops it and runs off into the woods. She's still lost when Dr. Mansfield and Dan show up at the campsite and join Allen in a search party. They walk amongst the trees in the cheerful afternoon sunshine until they come across a dazed looking Vivian sitting on the ground and growling, "Get away from this place!” – as if she fears they'll eat her toasted marshmallows. It's right about here that "UFO-Target Earth” becomes a sort of mind-blowing, 1970's "Blair Witch Project” – with all of the excitement and spectacle that that entails. Then it's back to the campfire, where the mystery of the lake is revealed through (sigh) more talking. Oddly, the explanation comes not from the freaky Vivian or the fixated Allen, but from rational skeptic Dr. Mansfield. Here it is: What the old woman saw could have been an alien ship that experienced a major power loss during an eclipse of the sun. It fell not from the sun, but from space. And it plunged into the lake, where it has been submerged for all these years. But somehow, through technology that far exceeds our own the inhabitants have managed to remain alive. And periodically they send out satellite ships to secure power, from say the power plant. (Apparently, halfway through his script De Gaetano got so excited by eclipses he forgot all about comets…Sad, really.) Why hasn't the alien ship left yet? Dr. Mansfield has the answer! Unable to fix their main power supply, they can't get enough thrust to overcome the gravity of "this galaxy.” (!?!) She adds wisely, "Even advanced technologies have limitations.” (Amazingly, this statement was made years before the advent of Microsoft Windows.) Then things get even freakier as Allen pipes up: "You don't believe a word of that. Why are you saying that?” Dr. Mansfield: "No Allen, I don't believe it.” (!?!?!) "I don't believe it because I haven't seen it. But I say it because we must construct some possibility to begin our investigation.” For a rational skeptic Dr. Mansfield certainly is bizarre! And though this would seem the perfect time for Allen to dramatically reveal his childhood abduction trauma, all we get is more of this: Allen: Possibilities. - Is anything possible? Dr. Mansfield: (Dramatic pause) I don't know. Allen: (Vivian) accepts all this as fact. We perceive it as myth. Dr. Mansfield: My reason tells me I have nothing to fear. Your emotions give you the basis for your fear. Allen: I don't know. I feel that we just have to watch, and wait. And…..fade to black. Watching the cast of amateur actors struggle earnestly with this nonsense wrings the heart. But De Gaetano "the merciless” doesn't let up. He keeps the tension high (sarcastic laughter) and sets up the grand, if listless, finale with (sigh) more vague pondering, Vivian's pointless backstory, and a dizzy spell suffered by Dr. Mansfield. Then Dan starts yammering about the "sensors” picking up a "high concentration of energy.” Get ready for a shock; it's from "under the water. Under it!” And as the scientific instruments in the van flash, blink and draw curvy lines on graph paper, Vivian runs off and tells the semi-conscious Dr. Mansfield "They're here!” Allen adds to the lethargic "climax” by wandering over to a TV set and gazing at the mind-blowing images that are coming in from the "sensors.”
The alien presence makes its dramatic appearance.
Allen's look of stunned bemusement matches my own as I watch this movie.
Several minutes of confused non-action pass before the TV screen starts babbling at Allen. And what it says might just blow your mind for the last time! "It is you we seek. We are beyond the jaws of darkness, where the light springs from the consciousness of your mind and bends upon itself to become the truth. We have waited for you, over 1000 years." (Reviewer's Note: Gosh. The old lady who saw the eclipse must have been really, really old!) "You must choose between two time spans: yours or ours. Give us the power to return, and your time will be destroyed. Nothing will be left. You will die. Only a memory in the mind of your friends will remain. If you refuse, all will end within your lifetime anyway. Your planet will crumble. Already your mind purifies itself of the memory, transforming the imagination into our needed energy." (Reviewer's Note: Good luck in figuring out what it all means. Being high would probably help.) "In the evolution of your race, only 3 have been chosen before you. You are the 4th to ascend." (Reviewer's Note: Thus does Allen Grimes, "a young teaching fellow at the University of Gainesville,” join the company of, just a guess here, Buddha, Jesus Christ and Mohammad - and ascend into Godhood. Wow! And he wasn't even published! – It's also interesting to note that in addition to its many other sins, UFO – Target Earth now commits blasphemy! – Nothing wrong with that.) The stage is now set for a stunning rip-off of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Allen, his mind blown and his face covered with unconvincing "old man” make-up, wanders off to the portentous sound of a beating heart. Then we get three solid minutes of mind-blowing images from the Alien TV screen. Three solid minutes!
The mind-blowing, 3-minute finale of UFO – Target Earth! Finally, Allen makes it to the lake and sinks under the surface. Trying to fish him out Dan retrieves, get ready for a shock, nothing but his (dramatic pause) skeleton! Is your mind blown? I know mine is! But we're not thru yet – as the piped in classical music swells and swells up comes a poorly spelled quote from (sigh) The Bible.
And I guess that explains everything.
The End. Sean Ledden (May 2008)
Battlefield Earth (2000) Directed by Roger Christian Written by L. Ron Hubbard, Corey Mandell, J.D. Shapiro Run Time: 119 minutes Tagline: Prepare For Battle Review by Karl Hoegle
This “movie” starts out with exciting slime green lettering informing us that it is now the year 3000, and Earth has been ruled for the past 1,000 years by a race of aliens known as the Psychlos. They came here and defeated the armies of Earth in less than 15 minutes, as they are just so advanced, don’t ya know? They need heavy metal for their economy, and so enslaved mankind while they mine ore and teleport it back to their home planet via an industrial sized transporter. Right off the bat I have a problem with this, as we of Earth have huge amounts of heavy metals making up the skeletons of our skyscrapers, easily taken apart and cut into transportable pieces. Also, the Psychlos obviously have space flight, so why not mine the asteroid belt? It would be much easier to get at valuable mineral deposits and to pick and choose which types of metal you want to extract. Anywhoo, Man is now an endangered species (according to whom?) and dresses in furs and other animal skins. A tribe of humans live in the hills of what was once Colorado and Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Our Hero, Barry Pepper!) is off trying to find medicine to save his ailing father. He returns upon horseback with a small pouch of herbs, and races to save his dying dad. A beautiful woman clad in furs informs us that his father was “Taken by the Gods at night” and he is too late. Johnny puffs out his scrawny chest and yells “NO!” and flings the rare, valuable medicinal herbs away; presumably as they have little shelf life and no one else will need them in the near future. Or he is just an idiot. Later on, inside their cave with no less than 5 open pit fires (I hope they know a little about ventilation!) Johnny begs the tribal elder to allow the group to leave the caves and migrate to where there is more food. (Note: No one seems thin, and all the fur clad extras on the set are busy preparing food at various times during Johnny’s tirade). The elder says no, they must stay to please the Gods above who will come and wipe out the Psychlos and return Man to his former selfish glory. Our Hero leaves this cavernous paradise, and Chrissy (formerly known as the beautiful woman clad in furs) wants to join him. He tells her no. Our Hero gallops off into the sunset (an odd time of day to start his quest, but what the hey.) He gets about 50 feet and is attacked by an immobile, unmoving fiberglass dinosaur that looks just like the scary cave drawing that terrifies the tribe. His groping hand finds a metal golf club that he uses to smash a few good licks to this terrifying beast, and he realizes that this is what his people are so afraid of and laughs. He is in a mini golf park that is 1,000 years old and the fiberglass constructs are still intact and painted. Instead of going back and bringing the tribe to see this and exposing their silly fear, he goes on, keeping the 1,000 year old golf club as a weapon. (It must be good, it laid in an open field exposed to the elements for 1,000 years and didn’t get as much as a speck of rust. He then meets two brigands who he befriends with offers of extra food (I thought that food was scarce?) and they go to a long deserted mall to become good friends, exchanging a piece of glass that they think is magic for their supper. This dinner is interrupted by a being wearing a leather trench coat walking on concealed stilts, wielding an odd gun. He shoots them, and Johnny’s horse for good measure. At times the beam disintegrates what it hits, and at other times it only stuns people. The Psychlo alien in its first appearance, ladies and gentlemen! He drags them out to his ship, and departs for the alien stronghold. The alien lands inside a huge glass dome, and alien air is pumped into the landing bay. The humans choke on this, and an alien comes and gives them a nose pinching device that converts their air into something breathable to humans. This was once Denver, and as soon as the door to the cage opens our Hero Johnny makes a run for it, grabs a guards’ gun, and shoots him. He then drops said gun, and runs yet again, only to be snatched up by Ker (Forest Whitaker) and Terl (John Travolta) who carry him one armed back to the landing area to demand an explanation as to why the Man Animal is running loose. The guards seem pretty calm, seeing as how this animal killed their buddy with ease, and now the chief of security is there demanding to know why they didn’t run after it and catch it. Instead of telling the truth (They are walking on concealed stilts and it is excruciating to walk anywhere, much less run), they feign amazement that he killed their buddy. Terl doesn’t believe that a Man Animal could kill a Psychlo, so he gives the other guards’ gun to Our Hero who shoots the other guard as well. Terl looks faintly impressed with this new knowledge, and says (I kid you not!) “Well, I’ll be damned”. Then they all start laughing. After a bit of running about, Our Hero gets put in front of a training machine with holographic aliens who teach Johnny boy everything from Euclidian geometry ( I guess that no matter what planet you are from, the being who invents Euclidian Geometry is fortuitously named Euclid.) to Psychlo security codes and language. The special effects are top notch throughout the movie, so you can’t fault the SFX team. At one point the transporter device is engaged, and Johnny watches the alien numbers count down and I laughed as I saw that the number “10” was written in Psychlo language as “LO” and the number “2” is exactly the same, as is the number “1”. The other numbers are mostly similar, but anyone with an I.Q. above 40 can easily figure it out.
Johnny goes to Alien school. Notice the cool special effects. The Head Honcho Zeet from Corporate Psychlo shows up and is instantly brown nosed by Terl, who smarmily asks about his promotion. After a bit of obtuse innuendo, Terl is told that since he fooled around with some corporate bigwig’s daughter, he is stuck on Earth forever doing the same job. Bad news for Ker, as he was next in line for the chief of security job that Terl has. What is hilarious is the way the actors flail their arms to keep their balance as they walk, as the stilts they wear are plainly audible. Terl and Ker cook up a plan to use humans to mine the ore needed, and since they are slaves, they won’t have to pay them anything. Terl gets Ker on videotape outlining the plan, so he can use it as leverage in case he needs to blackmail him later. Terl teaches Johnny to fly their ships against Corporate policy, and takes Johnny and a bunch of slaves to a gold vein that was uncovered by a recent Earthquake. Colorado is not known as a tectonically unstable area, but I guess in a thousand years that could change. The Psychlos cannot get near the ore, as it is radioactive and turns the air they breathe into poison. Terl tells Johnny to get the payload of gold in seven days, or he will use a remote control collar to blow off the head of his girlfriend Chrissy. Our Hero sets out after stopping off at a public library to look at a few books that weren’t turned to dust by silverfish, termites, etc. and finds that Fort Knox was the repository of most of America’s gold, and decides to use this gold to stave Terl off while he trains his buddies. They break into Fort Knox with laughable ease, as they pass only 2 armored doors that I frankly could get past given power tools and a few hours. They load up the ship, drop it off at the mine, and travel to Texas to find a supply depot with mothballed Harrier jets, machine guns, ammo, bazookas, and the like. There is a generator at work somewhere, as the lights work and the training machine still works like a champ after 1,000 years of disuse. Riiiiight!
Door number one at Fort Knox
Vault door at Fort Knox After raiding the depot for millennium old munitions that of course still work, they take a nuclear warhead that they plan to use to blow up the Psychlo home planet. Seriously, this thing is the size of a watermelon, and it will destroy the entire enemy home planet. Apparently L. Ron forgot that science fiction starts with science. I can forgive millennia old Harrier jets starting right up and a generator that kept going for all that time, but there is no way that a single bomb of that size could do one millionth of the damage needed. By the way, here is a picture of scenic Psychlo and its moon, which is unnamed.
Windy here in outer space near Planet Psychlo and its unnamed moon. Yes, those are clouds surrounding the planet and moon. In space. In a vacuum. In this reality. This caused me to swear never to join the Scientologist cult. Anyway, I lost interest after that scene and the usual heroics ensued, people attacked and killed the plodding slow witted alien oppressors with laughable ease, the atomic bomb blew up the entire alien world to its constituent atoms, and even took out their moon. (Which was unnamed.) The Harrier jets come to the rescue, the millennium old bazookas work perfectly every time, and thousand year old gunpowder fire just fine. Johnny keeps both Terl and Ker, the former as a prisoner in Fort Knox, the latter as a turncoat who helps the humans after they blew up his home world.
Atomic bomb that destroyed an entire world. The End Karl Hoegle (May 2008)
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by that ubiquitous, characterless 80's Casio synthesizer music that everybody went ape-shit over when they found out just how cheaply you could buy a Casio drum machine when they first appeared at the local Radio Shack. After a much too long exposure to the title song (my ears are bleeding), we cut to see some redneck kid, David, out for a drive in the middle of nowhere. (The aforementioned youth is played by Greg Dohler, son of director Don Dohler, and one of the many members of Clan Dohler that had a part in this film.) Oh, a cartoon meteor streaks out of the heavens, does a couple of loops (!) and then crashes into a forest not far from the curious youth. 
