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Direct to Video - DVD...you gotta love the crap that haunts the shelves at your local video store... Taking a closer look at blurbs and storylines of various cheesy DVDs.
Hypersonic - Air Race Earth (2002)
Storyline: "In the spirit of the new millennium, six leading nations have agreed to each enter a team in the ultimate hi-tech competition. A 24 hour round-the-world supersonic jet race. The skill and bravery of the selected pilots will be tested in the extreme as the aircraft will be set [sic] a punishing zig-zag course over oceans and through narrow canyons. Determined to revenge [sic] the recent death of three comrades, a renegade Chinese pilot decides to bring live combat in to [sic] the competition creating havoc for the American and British pilots and a political nightmare for the organisers and governments involved." Comments: Wow! A "zig-zag course over oceans" ! Now that's crazy!!! A renegade Chinese pilot! Who would have thought. Well, I guess since the cold war is over we can't blame the Russians for every Evvviillll in the world... Thank goodness the American and British pilots are still buddies. Oh, and he decided to bring "live combat" to the competition...as opposed to? Blood Dolls (1999)
Storyline: "Virgil is an eccentric freak, a brilliant billionaire with a head the size of an avocado. He finds amusement in his personal 'house band': four beautiful rock and roll girls-in-a-cage who play on command... Comments: Hmmm, reminds me a bit of those Puppetmaster movies. Or was it Demonic Toys? Anyway, I'd love to get my hands on this one. "Four beautiful rock and roll girls-in-a-cage"... How can you go wrong? Why is "rock and roll" unhypenated while "girls-in-a-cage" is? Oh nevermind...
Antibody (2002)
Storyline: "An international terrorist has the detonator to a hidden nuclear device secreted within his body. If he dies, the nuke explodes. In the style of 'Inner Space' and 'Fantastic Voyage', a miniaturised crew enters the fanatics [sic] body to locate and neutralise the device!" Comments: Is it the detonator or the nuclear device "secreted" in his body? Nevermind, I don't want to even think about it. Oh yeah, this movie is "in the style" of Fantastic Voyage...I guess they didn't want to say "ripped off". Deep Freeze (2002)
Storyline: "A scientific expedition to the frozen wastes of the Antarctic promises many riches for the oil exploration company, Geotek. Comments: OK, why the hell can't people remember that "it's" is a conjunction of "it is", not the possessive "its". People get paid to write this crap! Anyway, a "vampire-like prehistoric menace that thrives on death and destruction". Sounds like my old girl-friend. Could be worth seeing. Dark Descent (2002)
Storyline: "35,000 feet beneath the ocean lies a mining community forgotten by most except for their profit-chasing employers. In an effort to reduce their employees time in decompression and so increase working hours, the company is testing an experimental decompression serum on their workers. When a section of the mining complex floods resulting in the death of 30 miners, investigator Lee Ramsey suspects foul play. With the help of the eccentric veteran miner Jeffrey Lotte, Ramsey sets out to destroy the evil bosses and eliminate their cruel money-based motives!" Comments: Oh my God! A company that chases profits! Bastards! I bet you the rough-n-tough team of Ramsey and Lotte will take care of those "cruel money-based motives"! Thank goodness I work for a company that's not interested in making profits. I'm also a little confused here...what's the connection between the experimental serum and the flood? If 30 miners die and the only people that know about the place are the "profit-chasing employers", then who sent in the investigators. Ugh. This looks like a mindless Blame Big Business potboiler with no redeeming factors. Avoid. Prison of the Dead (2002)
Storyline: "Kristof, an eccentric rich kid, tricks his high school friends into getting back together for a reunion of sorts under the pretence of a funeral. The group of twenty-somethings is forced to spend the night in an old, abandoned witches' prison. During a Ouija board séance, the schoolmates accidentally unearth three undead executioners from their graves. A little confused, and quite a bit angry, the Crypt keepers initiate a killing spree that will only end up when everyone is dead. Fortunately, the schoolmates were all wearing black - too bad it's for their own funerals…" Comments: Why is it pointed out that Kristof is rich? Because money is bad? Yeah, he's rich, he implicitly deserves to be slaughtered by re-animated Crypt keepers. Should we feel more pity for a poor kid than a rich one? "An old, abandoned witches' prison". As opposed to an old yet fully-operational witches' prison? "...a killing spree that will only end up when everyone is dead". Can a killing spree end before everybody is dead? Python (2000)
Storyline: "Sleepy New Haven California is a small town with a big problem. A sixty foot slithering horror has arrived and shattered the town's tranquility on it's [sic] path of death and destruction. Comments: I think this must be a new record...they used "it's" instead of "its" EVERY SINGLE TIME! Congratulations! Oh, how does a python strip a victim to the bone? Body Melt (1993)
Storyline: "Injected with an experimental drug, the research chemist RYAN leaves a mysterious rural health farm and drives to the outer city suburb of Homesville. As Ryan's body starts to deteriorate and his driving becomes more erratic, a cruising police car starts to chase him. Charging towards a group of houses in Pebble Court, Homesville, Ryan leaves a cryptic message on his Dictaphone: 'The first phase is hallucination. The second phase is glandular ... The third phase is ...' Before he can finish the sentence Ryan crashes into a parked car and dies. The cops and various residents approach the wreck but do not see the bizarre tentacles that crawl out of the dead man's neck. Senior detective SAM PHILIPS and his rookie partner JOHNNO [?!] starts investigating the death. Was the dead man trying to contact one of the residents of Pebble Court? and why? Strange things begin to happen to the residents. PAUL MATTHEWS drinks an innocent looking vitamin powder and starts to hallucinate, a ghostly apparition coming from his ribs. two [sic lower-case] young Italian boys SAL and GINO drive into the outback and are captured by a feral, mutant family and the patriarch PUD. the [sic lower-case] pregnant CHERYL RAND loses her placenta. It hides in the house and then attacks her husband BRIAN. the [sic lower-case] NOBLE family go to a health farm for 'a holiday they will never forget'. The cops begin to piece the puzzle together, making connections between the bizarre events in Homesville and the so-called health farm run by the insidious Dr CARRERA and his assistant SHANN. But can they stop Carrer's crazy scheme? Or will everything just keep melting?" Comments: Was the guy who wrote this storyline on speed? And why is everbody's NAME in CAPITAL LETTERS? A woman loses her placenta, which proceeds to attack her husband? I was thinking about dropping some acid this weekend but I think I'll just watch this movie instead. |
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Tagline: "The Ultimate Race...The Ultimate Challenge."
Tagline: "Little creatures with deadly features"
Tagline: "Embedded within one man's body lies the threat of nuclear destruction...Only a mission deep within the human body can stop it."
Tagline: "Some things are better left frozen."
Tagline: "Take a deep breath...It might be your last."
Tagline: "They're out...on bad behavior!"
Tagline: "Created by nature...redesigned by man"
Tagline: "Stage One | Hallucinations. Stage Two | Organ Failure. Stage 3 | Body melt."