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Direct to Video - DVD...you gotta love the crap that haunts the shelves at your local video store...

Taking a closer look at blurbs and storylines of various cheesy DVDs.

Creatures from the Abyss (1994)

Tagline: <none>

Storyline: "Five teenagers on a boating trip discover a mysterious ship and decide to board it and investigate. Inside they find scientific equipment and a man in a state of shock.

Then their dinghy sinks in a flash storm and they are stranded on the ship. Curious, they try to find out what has taken place - but then horrific things begin to happen to them. Dorothy vomits strange, small creatures, Margaret is bitten in the neck by a fish, Bob and Julie taste some powder and transform into hideous monsters.

Mike eventually comes up with the answer - radioactive waste contamination from the abyss - but can he survive the terror and get to safety?"

Comments: "Dorothy vomits strange, small creatures..." as opposed to vomiting normal small creatures? I also feel to see how Margaret being bitten in the neck by a fish is equally as "horrific" as Bob and Julie "transforming into hideous monsters." It just seems that Margaret got off a little easy there.

"...radioactive waste contamination from the abyss." Well, it's nice to see that even Satan in the abyss has trouble dealing with radioactive waste.

Cherry Falls (2000)

Tagline: "Lose your innocence...or lose your life."

Storyline: "Cherry Falls is a quiet little town - until the night that a serial killer begins preying on its youth. After a third teen is found slain, the killer's modus operandi emerges: the victims were all virgins. Sheriff Marken (Michael Biehn), is concerned for the safety of the teens in general and in particular his own daughter, Jody (Brittany Murphy), who is still a virgin. Once the students realise that to save their skins, they're going to have to lose their virginity NOW, a meet-and-mate party takes shape. Jody finds herself at the centre of the mystery and the mayhem. As the students' 'Pop Your Cherry' ball gets going off-campus, Jody takes matters into her own hands, in more ways than one..."

Comments: Did I read that correctly? Be very afraid of anybody that recommends this movie to you...

Demonicus (2001)

Tagline: "Demon gladiator from Hell!"

Storyline: "A man resurrects a long dead gladiator when he kills all of his friends...

On a hiking trip in the Italian Alps James discovers and [sic] ancient burial cave filled with gladiator artifacts. He becomes possessed by the spirit of Tyranus, a demon gladiator, and goes on a killing spree to revive the true spirit of demonicus [sic lower-case]. A professor, Gina, and her students are to be the sacrifices to the demon Tyranus. Can they outwit Demonicus before becoming offerings to the evil god?"

Comments: Gladiator meets Dawn of the Dead. I can't imagine that Russell Crowe turned down the lead in this. What was he thinking about? Oh yeah...his career.

I wonder how Gina, professor, will fare against Demonicus, demon...

The Unbelievable (1999)

Tagline: "A truth so evil..."

Storyline: "A group of hikers led by a college professor are searching the woods for an ancient Indian burial mound. When they discover a likely site, three members of the group reveal themselves to be grave looters, and tie up the others so they can keep the valuable artefacts [sic] for themselves. In the course of ransacking the mound, one of them stumbles across a cursed crown that unleashes the mound's guardian: an invisible monster that begins attacking everyone it finds. Will anyone make it back to civilization alive?"

Comments: Oh gee...an "invisible monster"...that's going to make for some fun viewing. "Will anyone make it back to civilization alive?" Will anyone make it through the entire movie wthout turning it off?

Project Vampire (1993)

Tagline: "Resurrection by injection..."

Storyline: "Three medical interns escape project Alpha, a diabolic scheme injections. [sic...did the writer fall asleep there?!] An additional injection of Antidote allows the vampire to masquerade as a human in the daylight. The Superserum as an antdote is distributed worldwide. The vampires produced are physically controlled by Doctor Fredrick Klaus, the master vampire. His goal, with Project Alpha, is politics and business, dominated by vampires. Only intern Victor Hunter struggles to regain his humanity and stop klaus and his addicted followers. But time is running out before Victor is one of them....."

Comments: If you can make any sense of that storyline then feel free to see the movie. I got lost after the first sentence.

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

Tagline: "An age of mystery and magic... Of swords and sorcery."

Storyline: "The mighty warrior, Kain (David Carradine), crosses the barren wastelands of the planet Ura, where two arch enemies, Zeg (Luke Askew) and the evil degenerate Balcaz, (William Marin) fight incessantly for control of the village's only well.

Kain sees his opportunity and announces that his sword is for hire...but his eyes stay clearly on the beautiful captive sorceress Naja, (Maria Socas) and his newly awakened purpose."

Comments: More 1980's 'sword-n-sorcery' sludge. Starring David "Kung Fu" Carradine. (ouch!). Hmmm, let me get this straight: I'm supposed to spend 90 minutes watching Zeg and Balcaz battle "incessantly" for the village well. Oh gee. Let me brace myself for that. Is it just me, or does that poster look a bit like the original Star Wars posters? Hello, Mr. Lucas...?

I really don't want to think about David Carradine's "newly awakened purpose" if you get my drift.

Bugs (2003)

Tagline: "They're dealing with the unknown. The unknown must be destroyed."

Storyline: "A cop on the track of a criminal finds himself in the midst of an unfinished subway tunnel, when his flashlight reveals a startling discovery: a three metre long scorpion-like Bug. With one slice of its massive tail the bug fells the man and devours him.

FBI agent Matt Pollack is brought in to investigate, and when forensics reveal the source of the problem, he turns to his friend and entomologist Emily Foster for help. Her studies have chilling results.

Matt and a team of crack SWAT commandos must go down and rid the underground of its evil predators. Once in the tunnel, the team is attacked by an army of the creatures. They retaliate with massive firepower, causing the collapse of the tunnel entrance.

Their only way out is ten miles ahead through an emergency exit. Matt and his team must get there and exterminate the bugs before they escape into the city causing chaos and destruction."

Comments: A Sci-Fi Channel made for TV movie. Obviously a totally lame rip-off of Mimic.

Why is "Bug" capitalized in the first sentence? Did I miss something in English class? Wow, an FBI agent who has a hot female friend that happens to be an entomologist. That was convenient.

Tagline: "One hundred miles beneath the Earth's crust...Five days to save the planet."

Storyline: "Scientists unwittingly unleash an explosion whilst attempting to drill to an oil rich deposit under the ocean floor. Miles away a Siberian town disappears through a sink hole..."

Comments: And the connection is...?