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Direct to Video - DVD...you gotta love the crap that haunts the shelves at your local video store...

Taking a closer look at blurbs and storylines of various cheesy DVDs.

Hellboy (2004)

Tagline: "From the Dark Side to Our Side"

Storyline: "In the final days of World War II, the Nazis attempt to use black magic to aid their dying cause. The Allies raid the camp where an occult ceremony is taking place, but not before a demon, Hellboy, has already been conjured. Joining the Allied forces, Hellboy eventually grows to adulthood under the supervision of his adopted 'father' Trevor Bruttenholm, serving the cause of good rather than evil.

When the powerful and evil Nazi figure who unleashed Hellboy suddenly reappears in modern times, he discovers that Hellboy is now working as a paranormal investigator at a secret U.S. government agency dedicated to protecting humanity from the forces of darkness. Now, Hellboy must fight to solve the riddle of his own existence and prevent the destruction of mankind...

Dark Horse Comics' popular cult superhero Hellboy makes the leap from the comic book pages to the big screen with Ron Perlman, the only actor considered charismatic enough to convey the blood-red demon anti-hero, cutting a cigar-chomping dash in the title role as Hellboy, assisted by prosthetics from 6-time Oscar winning makeup artist Rick Baker."

Comments: Starring the talented Ron Perlman. Based on a comic book, this flick got some pretty good ratings. Might be worth a rental...Good or bad, you gotta love that description!

Invasion (1997)

Tagline: "Alien terror begins from within."

Storyline: "It begins on Arizona when three college friends, Beau (Luke Perry, Johnson County War, Beverly Hills 90210), Cassy (Rebecca Gayheart, Urban Legend), a srudent teacher, and Pitt (Christopher Orr, Shaft), a four-year medical student, discover a meteorite - stinging hot to the flesh - in the parking lot of a Phoenix diner.

Within hours of touching it, Beau falls ill with strange flu-like symptoms that defy rational diagnosis. By the following morning, he has not only recovered, but feels euphoric. In fact he feels changed. But Beau isn't the only one who has undergone the transformation.

The strange flu has spread rapidly, affecting each victim with the same inexplicable exhilaration. The phenomenon inspires Beau to team with a billionaire entrepreneur to develop "The Institute for a New Humankind." It's a chance for its newly-illumnated members to experience the world as they never have before - and change it.

Cassy and Pitt, suspicious of beau's newfound "Cult," are compelled to investigate. What they uncover is unfathomable but terrifyingly real: the virus is an alien intelligence systematically infecting the bodies and minds of everyone on Earth.

Their attempt to solicit help from the Centre for Disease Control elicits only fear. For the CDC, along with the Police, are already among the changed. Tracking the course of the meteorite assault over the Internet, it's up to Cassy and Pitt to stop it. Their underground fight takes them to an isolated government germ warfare base where a secret Portal to another world - and a life-or-death confrontation with Beau, the leader of the new alien race - awaits them."

Comments: Luke Perry...oh dear. Are times that hard for you?

"The virus is an alien intelligence systematically infecting the bodies and minds of everyone on Earth." Isn't that a lot like the Republican party?

A made for TV movie that sounds pretty crappy. Sounds like a rip-off of The Stand and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Stay away.

Komodo (1999)

Tagline: "Welcome to the bottom of the food chain..."

Storyline: "Emerald Island, a tropical haven, where 15 year old Patrick (Kevin Zegers) spent many happy summer holidays. But now ever-expanding industrial plants have replaced the summer homes and in place of the friends with whom he played, a hidden and unimaginable terror lurks. Within minutes Patrick's world collapses as his family are attacked by fearsome creatures, leaving him orphaned and unable to describe the traumatic events he barely survived.

Patrick's grandmother locates Victoria Juno (Jill Hennessy), a fiercly committed young doctor who beleives she can help him. She decides that the best way to dislodge Patrick's memories is to return him to the scene of his terror - the island whose bloodthirsty inhabitants robbed him of the ones he loved.

But the devilish terror that existed before has grown in number and ferocity. When Patrick, Dr. Juno and their party arrive on the island they are met with deadly consequences. Dr Juno must take on insurmountable odds in order to recover Patrick's psychological well being and Patrick comes face to face with his greatest fear. But can any human overcome the predatory instinct of the Komodo Dragon?"

Comments: I actually saw this movie a few years back. Psschaw...what can I say? I had a few beers in me, so I thought it was mildly entertaining. You could certainly do a lot worse.

Replicant (2001)

Tagline: "A ruthless killer... to destroy him, they had to create him!"

Storyline: "A deranged serial killer is on the loose. And only one man can catch him. Garrotte aka "The Torch" (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is being tracked by veteran police detective Jake Riley (Michael Rooker) to no avail. Each time Jake gets one step closer to Garrotte, another victim surfaces.

Tormented by Garrotte's insanity, Jake quits the police force and joins a special agency in a top secret mission to eliminate Garrotte. As part of Jake's new assignment, he is teamed with a Replicant (Jean-Claude Van Damme) cloned from Garrotte's DNA.

In a race against time Jake must learn to trust the mind of the one person he has been trained to kill and control the thoughts of a madman he cannot stop."

Comments: Van Damme up to his normal post-career-meltdown antics. Looking a little worn around the edges in the poster, some reviewers say that this film signals Van Damme's cinematic come back. I'm not holding my breath.

Tornado (1996)

Tagline: "Hell has no fury like a twister"

Storyline: "Samantha 'Sam' Callen (Shannon Sturges) is assigned to pull the plug on Dr.Branson's (Ernie Hudson) tornado project, an untested machine to track and predict dangerous twisters.

In the few days she gives him to finish his researches she meets, and falls for, Jake Thorne, a tornado chasing cowboy who, along with his friend Tex, shows her the devastating effects a twister can have on an entire community.

Sam then begins to understand the importace of Dr.Branson'swork and realizes she wants to help. It's then that Jake receives world of a real monster tornado heading their way - a deadly gale force maelstrom - an opportunity to test Dr.Branson's machine but at a great risk as Sam and Jake enter the vortex and face imminent death!"

Comments: Hmmmm...a made for TV movie that came out the same year as Twister. What a "coincedence". For some reason the storyline writer fails to mention the lead, Jake Thorne, is played by Bruce "Evil Dead" Campbell. (!!)

Now how bad Twister was, and it was bad, I'm betting this one is a whoooole lot worse...

Forbidden Rage - White Slave Secrets (2002)

Tagline: <none>

Storyline: "A small group of young women are captured and enslaved by the cruel forces who own the only source of water that is not infected by the deadly plague."

Comments: Apparently a soft-core lesbian flick. I guess it was about time the whole captured-lesbian-slave-deadly-plague niche market was exploited.

Starts Fawnia Mondey, crowned 1999 "Miss Nude Internet". She also starts in an instructional video called "Lap Dancing & Entertaining Your Man: Volume 4". Now I know what I'm asking for next Christmas.

It might be bad, but it's probably better than Tornado.

Asteroid (1997)

Tagline: "The end of the world is just beginning"

Storyline: "This is the amazing story of the greatest catastrophe in human history. Two giant asteroids are on a collision course with earth, hurlling towards us at 34.000mph and each could hit with 10.000 megatons of explosive power, creating shock waves and a fireball that would obliterate the human race.

As panic and terror spread, two people hold the key to mankind's survival - a top female astrologist and the head of the government's federal emergency agency. When the first asteroid causes cataclysmic disaster as it crashes into Kansas City, the world's resources are turned against the even larger rock hurlling [sic] through space. And as the eve of total destruction approaches, the entire planet holds it [sic] breath. "

Comments: Stars Michael "John Connor" Biehn.

You know that if one asteroid slamming into the Earth is exciting, it's gotta be twice as exciting if there's two! Right?

Wow, you know it's going to be an fun movie when Kansas City gets wiped out and the hero is the director of FEMA. zzzzzzzzzzzz

Countdown - The Sky's On Fire (1998)

Tagline: None

Storyline: "A city is threatened by a firestorm, as a hole in the Earth's ozone layer increases.

Researcher Evan Thorne investigates a number of cases of severe sunburn and discovers a hole in the ozone layer threatening the lives of millions in the city. With his sister, Jennifer (Josie Bissett), and her pilot fiance Racer [!!!], Evan calls for the evacuation of the city but Dr. Aaron Schiffren, of the Atmospheric Research Committee resists. Evan is forced to tell the media and there is panic in the city. Finally Dr. Schiffren is convinced and prepares an ozone bomb for Evan and Racer to explode inside that deadly hole. But their plane has trouble climbing to the right altitude and down below Jennifer, along with many thousands, is feeling the effects of the lethal radiation. Evan and Racer are their only chance for survival!"

Comments: Another made for TV film which sounds a hell of a lot like The Day After Tomorrow even though "Countdown" came out first. If you find "ozone bombs" your cup of tea, then rent this flick. Otherwise you might want to stick to "Forbidden Rage".

Boa vs. Python (2004)

Tagline: <none>

Storyline: "Two of nature's biggest and most terrifying scaled predators square off in an action-filled battle of fangs!

When a gigantic python is on the loose on a private reserve, the FBI [!?] must release an equally large boa to track and capture it as a group of wealthy big game hunters try to bag the python as a trophy themselves..."

Comments: Well, I guess it was a matter of time.

I have to question the FBI's conclusion that the only way to capture a giant python is to release a giant boa. Now that I think about it...the FBI was put in charge of this?

Dear God...please forgive me, but...I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!